And Then he Was Gone

 

JJ Hart at Club Diversity
Columbus, Ohio

It took me nearly a half a century to rid myself of my male self and begin living as my authentic feminine self.

Even though much of my progress towards my gender goal was physical, much was mental also. The physical part I am referring to was the portion of my transition which revolved an intense period of time I went through attempting to judge my appearance in my own personal mirror. I was so into myself, my wife began to call me the pretty, pretty princess and told me I was ignoring what a woman really was. She was right and it took me years of research and struggle to learn what she really meant. 

As I learned, the more my male self-fought me as he did not want to give up any of his life and male privileges he had fought so long to earn. It seemed every small gender victory was hard earned until he was gone.

Perhaps the biggest factor against him was I felt so excited and natural in the new world of transgender womanhood I was creating. Surely, I was still having my ups and downs when I tried out the public when I went out, but the downs were becoming fewer and farther between. Plus, my amount of terror I was still experiencing as a transgender woman was decreasing by the day. I think now, the major reason was I finally made the mental decision to go forth in the world as a woman on my own terms rather than the part time cross dresser I had somehow portrayed myself to be. Some may say I was dealing in semantics, but the thought pattern was a revelation for me. 

As he disappeared, my female self-had no problems filling the void in my life. My long-buried woman self-had no problem putting her past behind her as she stepped out into the bright lights of a new world. I think having no resentment made her a better person people could relate to and like. In fact, I found many new people related to me as a woman than ever before as a man. 

Ironically, after a very slow start to the fifty years of gender discovery I endured, once I seriously started my transition. time went very fast. Perhaps, it was because every night I went out, I was learning so much new on not being just the pretty, pretty princess and finally experiencing what my wife told me about being a woman was all about. Or I was finally given the chance to go behind the feminine gender curtain into a world dominated by women. When I did, I found women ran their own world their own way without the help of men. During the girls' nights out, I was invited to I learned what was important to women and not men. Even along the way, I learned the power of non-verbal communication between women when one night I was warned away from an intoxicated man in a venue I was a regular in by a bartender I knew. With one look, I immediately went the other way away from him and was safe.

Finally, after so much learning and experiencing a new life as a transgender woman, I think my male self-saw the writing on the wall and decided he was done. When he did, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It seemed carrying two people all those years took a toll on me, and I wanted out. 

Staying in your Own Lane

 

Image from Gabriel
Silverio on UnSplash.

As I transitioned into my own version of transgender womanhood, there were plenty of opportunities to not stay in my own lane.

First of all, I needed to get my presentation house in order so I could even receive a fair chance at starting. Paraphrasing "Stana" of "Femulate Blog" fame, in order to pass properly, I needed to first signal before I accelerated and moved to the outside lane. For me, acceleration was not an immediate or easy thing to do. Before I began to see any progress, I needed to put the mirror behind me and seek approval from the public at large. Once I was able to do that, then I needed to push away any of my ingrained male thoughts I was having on how I should look. He was leading me towards a totally trashy look which was attracting too much negative attention. If I wanted to stay in the feminine lane and be successful at all, I would have to change...quickly.

Once I began to be more comfortable and accepted in the feminine lane I was in, I needed to then learn all the nuances of the new life I had chosen. Immediately, the concept of passive aggression got to me. Too many times, I was fooled by another woman's smiling face or indirect suggestions. Examples included the times when I was complimented on how I looked. I was told how good I looked without the extra statement, for a man dressed as a woman. Regardless, I had too many claw marks down my back from encounters with women who I perceived as harmless. It took me awhile to learn the new lane I was in with other women. Once the scars healed on my back, I developed the knowledge and thick skin I would need to get in the passing lane and survive.

As I cautiously began to live more and more in my new gender lane, the more natural life became. I developed a whole new group of women friends and learned tons of ideas from them on how to stay where I was. The group of us partied into many nights and I discovered I was still messing up by trying to live in both gender worlds. I guess you could say, when the going became rough in the feminine lane I was in, I could always escape back into my male privileged world I knew so well. Finally, with the help of my friends who were primarily lesbians, they taught me my validation did not have to come from men, it could come from within. It was the only signal I needed to switch gender lanes and stay there.

These days, with the current political climate, we transgender women and trans men are trying to be forced back into our original lanes. It is in times such as these when we still have to be as visible as possible and live our lives as authentically as possible. As I have written several times, my own demarcation point of support is coming up in May with the Veterans Administration health care system. In May I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist and the opportunity to get my Estradiol prescription renewed. I naturally don't have total confidence the government won't step in and block my gender affirming hormones. I am sure, I will be writing about my fears as the date gets closer.

I am desperately trying to stay in my own lane which meant years ago I was able to live as the person I was always meant to be. At my current age of seventy-five, there is no way I am going back to my old lane I was unhappily living.     

A Push versus a Dream

 

JJ Hart

I often describe my journey to transgender womanhood as the impossible dream. 

On the other hand, I cannot ignore all the pushing I needed to do to arrive at my goal. My pushing started at a very young age when I was first cross dressing in front of the mirror. To begin with, I needed to push hard to find hiding places for my exceedingly small, treasured collection of feminine wardrobe selections. I resorted to old boxes in the garage attic, all the way to a hollowed-out tree in the woods next door to our house. In trash bags. Anything to stay safe with my secret. I knew if I was exposed, life as I knew it would be over.

I did push on and survive so my dream was still intact when I went to college and then served out my time in the military. My military time was especially stressful as I needed again to carefully conceal any idea, I was feminine at all. Through it all, I needed to keep my thoughts centered on a far-away dream I had of being able to live as a transgender woman. Sadly, there were too many times when I did not see how I could make it at all. Especially when the Army was strongly reinforcing my manhood. 

As in many other facets of life, the Army came and went leaving me a sense of freedom of what I could do concerning my gender issues. My first marriage came shortly following my discharge from the military and left me still wondering about what was going on. My first wife knew I was a cross dresser and did not really care, so I was left on my own to make any gender decisions I might decide on. This was back in the late 1970's and there was very little information on even being a cross dresser available. Again, I was on my own until the computer became a reality, and I was able to reach out to others. I learned quickly I was not alone and began to push for more clarity in my life. I even was able to dream more frequently of being able to live as my authentic self.

Before I did, I needed to determine what my authentic self really was and push to get there. This meant going down a largely selfish road as I carefully checked my gender boxes. It took me years to figure it out until I was able to merge how hard I was pushing with my ultimate gender dream of a being a transgender woman. My authentic self which was revealing her-self When she did, she left no doubt on why I felt the way I had my entire life. Something was not quite right, and I pushed on to figure out what the problem was. In the meantime, I treaded water cross dressing in front of the mirror until I found the courage and confidence to try going public.

Each and every time I was successful at all in dealing with the world, my dream was re-ignited, and I started to push through or totally ignore any gender warning signs I encountered. Everything I was doing put me completely at odds with my second wife, who again knew I was a cross dresser but never wanted me to leave the house dressed. Not only did I break my promise to her, but I also went as far as beginning a whole new life. My new life rapidly became very important to me mainly because I was happier and the whole life felt so much more natural.

My lifetime full of pushing finally aligned with my ultimate dream of transgender womanhood. Destiny opened my gender doors at the age of sixty and I took complete advantage.