How I Became a Lesbian

Image from V T on UnSplash

Looking back, perhaps I have always been a lesbian. 

When I had to live as a guy, I intensely studied everything female and I never considered having sex with another man until I transitioned much later in life. At that point, I was wondering if my sexuality would change when I started living as a transgender woman. It was a highly intensive personal topic I put off questioning until I could not put it off any longer. 

Then I had help from other women such as Amy who instructed me to buy bananas to practice with, without becoming too graphic. She left little to the imagination. Plus, the problem was, I still did not know if I wanted to be with a man sexually or not. The only thing I did know was, since I had started going out in public as a transgender woman, I was totally embraced by more women than men. Probably for two reasons. The first being many women were just curious what I was doing in their space. The second is that generally women are less uptight about their gender than men. Who are very insecure. I just knew, for a change, I was enjoying my life much more and I was much less lonely. 

Still, I was not interacting with card carrying lesbian women and still did not understand the layers of their society. I knew nothing of femmes, butches and even super butches not to mention baby dykes. There are probably more than I can remember such as soft studs. Slowly but surely, I began to learn all about this when I began to regularly frequent two lesbian bars in Dayton, Ohio. Sadly, they did not exist for a long period of time and before they had closed I had moved on to mainly big sports bars where I could watch the games. 

By pure coincidence in the sports bars, I ran into two lesbians. One was the Mom of a bartender I knew and the other was there to pick up a to go order and slid a note down the bar to me. Over time and amounts of beer we became friends and met often. Plus, at the same time, a super butch I knew asked me out for dinner before he actually transitioned into a transgender man. It was my first date with a man and I was very nervous as he was fond of telling me later. 

With all the lesbian interaction I was having, I had the chance to go to lesbian mixers they were going to. My confidence rose when I gained acceptance at most of the mixers. Even to the point of joining up with my future wife Liz and going to a roller girl event in Cincinnati. And, I forgot to mention, Liz and I met up on an on-line dating site under a woman seeking woman category. So yes, she is a lesbian too and our first date was to a drag show. 

Sadly now, most of the lesbian clubs and bars have closed and gone away, leaving a big gap in the LGBTQ world. Personally, through my interactions, I learned so much. Including my validation as a person did not have to come from a man. Plus I was entertained and made friends when I needed them the most. Liz and I are going on over a dozen years together and happy. Proving I was a lesbian all along. I was just waiting for my male self to get out of the way so I could totally express it.

It turned out my sexuality was never in question and I only kissed a few men to know the direction I wanted to go. I owe a debt of gratitude to all the women who accepted me.    

The Long Search

Early in my
search.

The problem I often ran into during my life was taking my eyes off the goal and becoming lost.  

Perhaps my biggest problem was I did not have a clear cut gender goal. Essentially, I was wondering around just trying to get by as I cross dressed my male self in the mirror.  The work I put it sadly only lasted me a few days before the thrill of being femininized wore off and I was firmly back in my male world. The long search for better results resumed.

It took me years to realize the ultimate end to my search was me facing my own truth. Until I did, all the mirrors and Halloween parties in the world would not help me. Still, I was very stubborn and did not want to give up on all of the privileges of my white male life. I wanted my gender cake and a chance to eat it too. I suffered totally because of my idea I could live a life somewhere between both of the main binary genders. The long search went on as I struggled. 

Keep in mind also for over a half a century I searched for my gender identity and the entire journey had it's ups and downs. The ups happened when I was able to present realistically as a woman and the downs when I could not and engaged in self destructive behavior with myself and worse yet those around me who I loved. I did many things I am not proud of today but can not get back.

The search also led me to abusing alcohol and my mental health. Through therapy, I was able to salvage my mental health and fortunately, I was able to curtail my drinking before it caused permanent damage. So my search continued in better shape than it was in before. Plus, I was really able to step up my feminine presentation game to help my confidence when I went out. Through much more work than I can ever admit to, I arrived at the point where I could ghost my male self altogether and leave him behind. 

It was only then when I gathered the courage to end my long search and face my reality My search led me to the spot where I needed to finally accept the fact I needed to fill in the gender blanks in my life. I learned I was born to be feminine and was forced into a male life I really never wanted. Even still, I lived on in a mostly male life I felt guilty being in. It was time to put all my gender lies behind me and end the long search for good. 

I will forever resent I took so long to face my truth but it is something I will have to live with. My goal now is to live a positive transgender existence in my life. Now that the search is over.  

Check Up and More

 

Out to eat with Liz on Left.

Yesterday turned out to be a busy day for a number of reasons. So much so, I am really enjoying my cup of coffee this morning. The extra caffeine is needed and appreciated. 

Back to the day I just went through. I knew I had an appointment with the dermatology department at the downtown Cincinnati Veterans Administration hospital. I was referred there by my local VA clinic because of several spots I had on my face which concerned them and me. At my age of seventy four, I was naturally concerned the spots were pre cancerous, or worse. 

The good news was the two bigger spots were not cancer and could be taken care of with a liquid nitrogen spray they had on hand and the smaller spot was sprayed also. Just in case. So I was very relieved. I was also happy I was treated with respect by the entire team of a doctor, a doctor in training plus a medical student who was following them around. The older doctor even referred to me as "young lady" which I found humorous and thanked me for my service. 

Liz took the day off to take me to the hospital which is in a very congested area of Cincinnati. I always appreciate her doing it because if worse comes to worse and parking is at a premium, I won't have to walk along way. Especially during the heat we are experiencing. As it turned out, the trip to the hospital was not the only driving congestion she was going to have to drive in. Her son's car lost it's brakes and he needed a ride to work which was easier said than done. His job location is a good half hour away in busy interstate traffic and Liz ended up driving it four times in two days. I specifically was glad she was off and I did not have to do it. The car shop was able to fix it and we go back to pick it up today.

In the meantime, I wanted to celebrate my good medical news with a visit to our favorite Mexican restaurant. I always feel at home there and last night was no exception. No one paid me any extra attention and the food was good. Even Liz's son, who was feeling bad decided to eat something and felt better. 

By the time we arrived back home, I was exhausted and ready for my nightly ice cream treat before bedtime and was able to relax and enjoy it also.

Speaking of enjoying something, my first VA LGBTQ support group session came off fairly well. I did not say much and let the veterans who saw the most combat action do the talking. Since what I did was support combat troops in a situation where we were attacked a couple times at the air base I was working at in Thailand, I felt as if the others should speak more. Plus, unless the others were deployed overseas most had never heard of the American Forces Radio and Television Service I worked for anyhow. It turns out the session is scheduled weekly, I missed the second one because of a previous commitment I will have to see if I will go back or not. 

For me, the next month is going to be busy. I have to schedule my annual mammogram, get a new drivers license and get the transmission fluids in the car changed among other things. Being forced out of my comfort zone with the public keeps me more active and challenged to take on the world before this very important election. For our future, vote Harris/Walz!