Gender Migration

 

Image from Stephan 
Stephancik on UnSplash

From the early days cross dressing in front of the hallway mirror to finally coming out in the world as a transgender woman, I found my gender migrating away from my masculine side. 

The migration was slow at first because my old male self was resisting any and all changes to his existence. It seemed the more I tried to cross dress as a girl, the more he hated the process. The problem quickly became more apparent after I appeared in the mirror as a girl, which would involve or invoke a fast reaction as he responded negatively to anyone else in the world. Family and friends became targets of his gender frustration. Why? Because even though he did not know it, he was fighting an impossible battle. Even though it was possible for him to win the occasional battle, there was no way he could win the entire gender war. My feminine inner soul was just too strong.  Every time she was successful in coming out to the world, she wanted more and more.

Through my life's middle years, advancing in my job and raising my daughter, my migration slowed but never went away. In fact, it showed up in the most inopportune times when I had company business meetings to go to, or a family vacation to act as if I was having a great time when all I wanted to do was go on the vacation as a transgender woman. Of course my wife always sensed I was having a problem and tried her best to pry my thoughts away from me. I became very good at hiding my emotions as any true man would. 

In my case, I found if I waited long enough and tried my best to express my true feminine gender the best I could away from my wife and friends, I could get by. Those were the frustrating migration days of sneaking out behind my wife's back and beginning to establish myself as a woman in the world. At the time, I viewed the entire process of slipping down a very steep and slippery slope which would change my life forever. As much as the process scared me, at the same time I desperately wanted it to succeed. At times, too much when I couldn't keep my mind on which gender I was day to day. I knew I had gone too far when a stranger in my restaurant would refer to me as a woman instead of the macho man I was playing that day. 

Finally, I gave up, started gender affirming hormones and started a totally serious pursuit of a gender migration. From that point onward, I let go of my old unwanted male self and re-entered the world as a transgender woman. As I always point out, friends and family were there for me to enable my final migration to be a successful one. I am not sure I could have done it without them. 

Another Holiday?

My Favorite Valentines. Liz on left, daughter 
on right.
From the Jessie Hart Archives.

 Following the Christmas holiday season which presents so many problems for transgender women and men, here comes yet another rather traumatic holiday. 

Both of the holidays revolve around personal relationships, to which trans folk often have lost close friends or family because they set out to live as their authentic selves. When I read all the social media posts from transgender folk who are lonely, my heart goes out to them. The entire process just goes to show how much a person can lose following a gender transition. Once again it shows how much of a choice we don't have when we set out on our gender journeys. 

I am fairly sure I didn't think of losing family the first time I looked at myself cross dressed as a girl in the hallway mirror but then again maybe I did because I was so frightened about getting caught. Maybe my fears were justified so many years later, when I did lose all contact with the brother I was afraid of exposing my secret to so many years ago.

Overall, I know how fortunate I am when certain holidays such as Christmas and Valentines Day come around each year. Through a mix of work, destiny an sheer luck, I was able to find another person in the world who accepted the authentic me. My wife Liz basically picked me up off the trash heap and made me a believer in myself again. Something which I thought was impossible at my age of sixty two. In fact, I had given up on the idea of another serious relationship in my life and felt I was doomed to live alone as a transgender woman trying to make her way in the world. 

Perhaps, more importantly, I was able to rebuild family connections which were lost. Through my daughter's in laws and Liz's family, having a Christmas with family and friends became a reality again. And, even though I had never been a big believer in Valentine's Day, it is still very nice to tell Liz happy Valentines Day and I love her and for her to return the favor. Plus, I can't forget all my bonus checks which were added to because of Valentines promotions in the restaurant business I was in.

At the least, Valentines Day only lasts for one day and hopefully you can mend the hurt you may feel from having no one to celebrate with. Anyway you cut it being transgender should not deny you a chance to be happy with another person...but it does. 

It is just another holiday designed to stimulate certain areas of the economy not hurt the ones who happen to be single when it comes around. If you are one of those people, Liz gives out the best hugs and I am sending a big one to each of you.

Beautiful...Inisde and Out

 

Image from the Jessie Hart 
Archives...

As I obsessed with looking the best I could as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser, all I could think of was how I looked. Little did I know there was so much more coming up in my journey to living fulltime as a trans woman. I needed to live my looks as well as just admiring myself in a mirror. 

This morning turned out to be a prime example. Today I tagged along with my wife Liz to her mammogram appointment. Before I went, I applied my usual minimal amount of makeup, brushed out my hair and was essentially ready to go. While I was doing it, I felt it was time for a change. I thought I have been in a rut I have been in too long. I have essentially stopped working on my appearance and then being shocked when I am mis-gendered. 

Of course, nothing negative happened morning when it came to the doctors appointment because there were very few people waiting to begin with plus no one was paying any attention to anyone else. Since I had a spare moment, I went shopping on my phone for a foundation specifically tailored for older women. A group I naturally fit into. I found their on-line site and decided to give it a try. 

Currently, I am relying on the skin effects of gender affirming hormones, so I don't have to use a foundation at all. Or so I thought. It's occurring to me now the hormones have been a crutch for me to quit trying as much as I did. I ordered the new foundation and I will let you know my feelings. 

The end result is I need to work harder to make my inside and outside match up again. I learned long ago, similar to many cis-women, I will never be the prettiest woman in the room. I needed to find other ways to survive in the world as a new transgender woman. Little did I know, my biggest positive as a new person was already within me. My discovery was my inner feminine soul was actually good people. Opening up to others turned out to be one of my biggest pluses. The world turned out to like me. 

Doing my best to be beautiful to others, inside and out, turned out to be one of the most beneficial things I have ever done. Now, I feel it's time to get out of my rut, have some fun and get back in the game. Maybe to the point of treating Liz out to get our nails done and then have some dinner out at our favorite restaurant

I need to get us both out of the house.