New Years

 

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Kettle on UnSplash

It doesn't seem possible but it is time once again to look at a year behind us and look forward to another. As my Mom used to say, life is similar to a roll of toilet paper. The closer it comes to the end, the faster it goes. Very philosophical of Mom to be sure.

In my younger years I used to use a lot of alcohol to celebrate the coming of a New Year. The process didn't really amount to much other than a tequila or Mescal fueled evening of misadventures. One will forever be ingrained in my mind when I kissed my future sister in law before I kissed my future wife when the New Year began. Not to worry, my wife got even with me for years after the huge mistake I made. 

Of course the biggest problem I always had was trying to drink away my gender problems at the beginning of a New Year. Each year I wondered deep down if the year coming up would see me finally being able to live my gender truth and cast aside the shackles I had always felt living as woman cross dressed as a man. 

Eventually, it turned out all the grand predictions I made on New Years the year to come was finally going to be the one when I would explore all the changes I would need to make to transition into a transgender woman. Would I ever have the courage to do it. 

The whole process in many ways snuck up on me. Even though I stayed the course, good or bad as I kept exploring my options and I almost waited too long. The self destructive behavior I indulged in many times almost killed me. The end result was my resolutions to change my authentic self would finally come true. 

Now my party days are behind me and I will spend New Years with Liz from the comfort of my couch hoping nothing crazy happens when the ball goes down in  New York's Times Square. No matter where you are in your life journey, may you spend the New Year enjoying new beginnings which lead to a more fulfilling life.

Happy New Years! Thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo over the past year. You make the whole effort worthwhile. 

The Home I Don't Live In

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on UnSplash

It certainly took me awhile but I finally learned my male self was simply an empty shell I existed in to get me by in the world.

Over the years, even though it was difficult, he managed to secure a spot in the world and earn his white male privileges. Participation in such male dominated activities such as sports and muscle cars led the public at large off the beaten track of who I really was. I was a cross dresser or a woman pretending to be a man. Along the way, I was still able to build a fairly strong home I didn't live in.

Around that time, my life in an an empty house became predictably lonely, even though I was doing all the traditional male activities. I was married, had a child and served my time in the Army to add to two college degrees. It seemed the more I tried to do, the less fulfilled I felt with my life. It wasn't until years later when I understood much of my frenetic pace in life had to do with my gender desires being off center. In essence, I was building a home I couldn't live in. 

In it's place, I was increasingly becoming more and more serious about discovering if I could actually pursue a dream of living as a transgender woman. What I was doing was observing others in the trans community who were moving towards living fulltime feminine lives. I wondered if they could do it, why couldn't I? I was learning consistently by going to small mixer/parties in nearby Columbus, Ohio. The get together was hosted by a soon to be retired firefighter who restored an old house in a well known restoration district. I was extremely interested in her path because she was going against all the so called "rules" back in those days. Back then it was expected when one fully transitioned into being a trans woman, she was expected to leave her old life behind and start all over again. The woman I knew was going to not do any of that and I dreamed of doing it also. The same as her. Plus her parties included a diverse group, including the occasional lesbian and I learned early of the attraction I felt for lesbians' and vice versa.

Even though I did manage to slightly follow in her footsteps, leaving the male house I built proved to be anything but easy for me. To arrive at my destination, I would have endure intense moments of pain and suffering. As my old male self finally crumbled, I would be remiss, if I didn't mention the group of friends I found to help me build a new house. This time the correct one, complete with a life in my chosen gender. 

Even though the challenge was there to build my new house the correct way, I still needed to make sure all the improvements were built in to further make my new life more pleasurable. Out went the old male clothes and in came women's clothes including shoes, wigs, and makeup. 

The end result was, I discovered I could indeed build a brand new gender house and redirect the rest of my life living in it. The home I didn't live in was long gone and I felt a freedom I never thought I would ever have again in my life. 

Sizing Up the Crowd

 

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on UnSplash

One of the earliest lessons I learned when I first began to attempt to present as a realistic woman in the world was how I was always on stage. It presented a problem since I had always been very shy around people.

It didn't matter because both men and primarily women sometimes went out of their way to size me up. Plus, while I am on the subject, I was very insecure about my size as a novice cross dresser or highly questioning transgender woman. Initially I made the mistake of walking slightly hunched over to hide the fact I was nearly six foot tall. Then I realized there were plenty of other cisgender women around me and I could stand up tall and project confidence to the world. I learned the hard way that people were similar to sharks and could sense another person's insecurities so I needed to do better in all aspects of my presentation as a trans woman. 

One of the key insights I learned quickly was quite naturally, the world I was trying to enter was run by women. So I needed to figure out how to effectively play in their sandbox. On the other hand, men were out since they had a tendency to ignore me anyhow. If a man did pay attention to me, he would normally treat me as a lesser individual. When men paused to size me up, my reaction was to quickly keep moving. I did have a few very rare interactions with men but didn't feel particularly secure with the experiences. 

Women were a different story. When I started my male to female gender transition I received more attention from women than I ever had as a man. As I soaked in the attention, I thought most of the women were just curious of why I was in their world and became amused when I needed to encounter the everyday issues they did in a feminine world. Such as personal security, hot flashes etc.. They would  simply smile and say welcome to their world. Little did they know how badly I wanted to be in their world. Being included in a group of women helped me not to be singled out for attention. When the group I was in was sized up, I was simply part of the group and not an individual. 

The group of women I was a part of just happened to be lesbians so I faced a unique situation when it came to what sort of crowd was sizing me up. On several occasions we would attend lesbian mixers, so blending in met a nice pair of jeans, top and in season boots in the winter. In terms of the society I was trying to fit in with was I attempting to present as an attractive lipstick lesbian. I was successful on occasion attracting super butch lesbians and in fact, one of my first dinner dates I had with a man was  a trans man. We stayed in touch and often he made fun of me for being scared to death on our date. Which I was!

Scared or not, over time I became experienced in sizing up the crowd and bracing myself for the impact I would make. Somedays I receive little or no response to my public appearances. When nobody seems to notice me I know I sized up the crowd and won my gender struggle. Other times, when the room I am in goes silent and I am stared at, I know I wasn't so successful. At this point in my life, I am used to all sorts of reactions, so I can move on quite easily. 

Even still, I am aware of the public crowds I face and do my best to size them up and react appropriately. No longer am I so shy.