Stair Step Method

 

Image from Monica Sauro 
on UnSplash...

Every now and then I am asked how I managed to navigate a marriage, a male life and still transition to a feminine transgender life. It certainly was not easy.

I approached it this way, I took it one step at a time. I needed to prove to myself I could take on and conquer each challenge. Early on, the challenge simply meant looking the best I could as a woman. Then it all got so complicated. Each stair step required more and more work, especially when I needed to move fully out of my mirror and take on the world. 

Along the way, I became more goal orientated than I ever was in my male life. Unexpectedly at first  I was surprised when so many strangers wanted to interact with me. The strangers were mostly women who I think were mostly curious of why I wanted to enter their gender world. I needed to quickly add another step in my transition from one binary gender (male) to another (female) and start to communicate face to face with people I didn't know. I was traumatized since first I am very shy and second, here I was trying to modulate my voice to a feminine level and come up with feminine things to say. It was a huge step to take. 

To add into this step, I had to settle in on how I was going to look. No more going to the same venues with different wigs thinking I wouldn't be noticed. Of course I was and as I ascended to the next step there would be no more changing wigs and names when I was meeting the same strangers. As I said, all of this happened so fast, it was a blur to me looking back. 

Other giant steps I took were when I decided (finally) I was no longer a man trying to look like a woman (or cross dresser) and a man who deeply wanted to discard my life and live as my authentic feminine self. If I could climb more steps to get there. I needed to keep trying more and more venues to see where I would be accepted. Which included bathroom privileges. Most of the time I was successful except the notable times when people called the cops on me or I was banned by management. Nothing stopped me though and I just kept trying to find venues who valued my money. I always minded my own business and tipped well, so normally the employee's liked me.

Through all of this, I was desperately trying to negotiate a very serious twenty five year marriage. I guess you could say I was trying my best to build in hidden steps to save what was left of my relationship when all along my second wife hated the idea of me moving towards me living as a transgender woman. 

It wasn't until she passed away, did I take possibly the biggest stair step of all, being approved for and starting hormone replacement therapy or HRT. My body took to the new hormones so naturally, I wondered why I had waited so long. I just couldn't because of the woman I loved as well as being afraid to give up what was left of my male self.

Looking back at all the gender steps I took. I must have been a fairly good carpenter or gender contractor because I was able to arrive at my impossible goal of living full time as a transgender woman. Somehow, I managed to never fall and hurt myself along the way except the times when my ego was bruised which is the topic for another post.  

Mental Health and the Holidays

 

It doesn't take an expert to know we are entering the most difficult time of the year for transgender and/or LGBTQ individuals.

During this approaching time, many in the community face the truth of having no close family any more to celebrate the holidays with. It happened to me when my only sibling (a brother) and his wife decided not to invite me to the annual Thanksgiving Day family feast. We have not spoken since and that was ten years ago. What made it hurt even worse was my deceased second wife used to take it upon herself to cook and feed everyone for years.

Similar to so many aspects of me coming out, I was fortunate in I had a backup plan. What happened was my daughter and my partner (future wife) included me in their families. An improbable happening especially when I needed to mix in with Liz's heavily right wing conservative father. He has since passed on leaving me to forever wonder what he really thought of me. 

So destiny led me out of a potentially bad situation with my own often fragile mental health. As you may, or may not recall, years ago I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder along with having more than my share of anxiety. Again destiny stepped in and helped me cope with my mental health . I was nearly completely broke and could not afford my medications when a fellow veteran friend of mine suggested I take advantage of the Veteran's Administration health care. I did and again I was fortunate when I was assigned to a VA therapist who was able to separate my gender issues with my mental ones.

As I said, I was one of the fortunate LGBT or transgender community members who was able to cope with lots of help. To this day LGBTQ women and men are subject to much more substance abuse than the rest of the population because of reasons such as harassment, discrimination,  negative stigma and lack of family support. The basis for the information comes from a site called "LGBTQ+ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Resources"  Thanks to Enmanuel from FloridaRehab.com for the heads up for the site.

I make no secret of the fact I used to be very self destructive due to all the issues I dealt with in my life. From reckless driving in my cars all the way to trying to commit suicide with pills, I had a total disregard for my life. Plus, there weren't the outreach programs available in the pre internet/social media years which I lived through or groups of like minded individuals who provide social activities. Often, if you live close to populated areas, there are organizations you can take advantage of. 

Please, as the holidays approach, see what you can do to help your mental health.  There are sources available.

The Audacity of It

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

When you view the transgender community from the outside, I'm sure more than a few people, other wise known as transphobes, think we are nothing more than a group of people asking for audacious demands. 

I know with me, I often felt audacious in my demands on my wives as I transitioned towards being a transgender woman. After all, my wives were seemingly making all the sacrifices in the relationship as their man faded away. Through it all, yes I did feel guilty but at the same time, there was nothing I could do. Gender change was impossible as I journeyed along the path to eventually leaving my male self behind. Since deep down I knew there was nothing I could do about my gender issues (and or cross dressing), I knew my wives would eventually have to get over their misgivings and I would get my way. 

Also, I need to say both my first and second wives knew I was a cross dresser before we were married. I don't think either woman really cared until it came to me becoming more serious about living increasingly fulltime as a woman. My first wife was very easy going and never really pressured me before we broke up. My second wife was much more opinionated and did participate somewhat with my transgender self but never really liked my feminine self for whatever reason. From the beginning and all the way until she passed away, she drew the line at me starting hormone replacement therapy and taking another giant step along my gender path.

The audacity of it all came when she said she didn't sign up with me to be with another woman and she was right. There was nothing I could say. I will forever wonder if she ever would have come to get along with the woman I always was before she died. Of course I will never find out.

Then there are all the transgender haters or transphobes who have the ability to change our lives in the real world or as keyboard cowards (as I call them.) The audacity of all of them to intrude upon our lives speaks for itself. The only defense I can think of is, the transphobes can't and won't take the time to understand trans women or trans men. The unfortunate part of it is that just consider how long it takes most of us to understand our own gender issues. I know in my case, it was a real struggle to come to any understanding of what was going on in my life. 

The biggest audacity for me now is the fact I don't care what the world thinks of me. Especially transphobes and/or TERFS. Now I can face the world as my authentic feminine self with a tight knit group of family and friends around me. Plus I am a role model of sorts for my transgender grand-child. 

Being audacious all those years when I was struggling to learn the world as a transgender woman left me with so many scars. I learned the hard way to develop a thick skin and keep learning all the important lessons I needed to discover. The whole process was terrifying but all so satisfying.