The Audacity of It

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Jessie Hart Archives

When you view the transgender community from the outside, I'm sure more than a few people, other wise known as transphobes, think we are nothing more than a group of people asking for audacious demands. 

I know with me, I often felt audacious in my demands on my wives as I transitioned towards being a transgender woman. After all, my wives were seemingly making all the sacrifices in the relationship as their man faded away. Through it all, yes I did feel guilty but at the same time, there was nothing I could do. Gender change was impossible as I journeyed along the path to eventually leaving my male self behind. Since deep down I knew there was nothing I could do about my gender issues (and or cross dressing), I knew my wives would eventually have to get over their misgivings and I would get my way. 

Also, I need to say both my first and second wives knew I was a cross dresser before we were married. I don't think either woman really cared until it came to me becoming more serious about living increasingly fulltime as a woman. My first wife was very easy going and never really pressured me before we broke up. My second wife was much more opinionated and did participate somewhat with my transgender self but never really liked my feminine self for whatever reason. From the beginning and all the way until she passed away, she drew the line at me starting hormone replacement therapy and taking another giant step along my gender path.

The audacity of it all came when she said she didn't sign up with me to be with another woman and she was right. There was nothing I could say. I will forever wonder if she ever would have come to get along with the woman I always was before she died. Of course I will never find out.

Then there are all the transgender haters or transphobes who have the ability to change our lives in the real world or as keyboard cowards (as I call them.) The audacity of all of them to intrude upon our lives speaks for itself. The only defense I can think of is, the transphobes can't and won't take the time to understand trans women or trans men. The unfortunate part of it is that just consider how long it takes most of us to understand our own gender issues. I know in my case, it was a real struggle to come to any understanding of what was going on in my life. 

The biggest audacity for me now is the fact I don't care what the world thinks of me. Especially transphobes and/or TERFS. Now I can face the world as my authentic feminine self with a tight knit group of family and friends around me. Plus I am a role model of sorts for my transgender grand-child. 

Being audacious all those years when I was struggling to learn the world as a transgender woman left me with so many scars. I learned the hard way to develop a thick skin and keep learning all the important lessons I needed to discover. The whole process was terrifying but all so satisfying.    

It's All a Dream

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to expand upon it a bit further. 

The idea I had was very simple. What if my whole life was nothing more than a dream? As with any dream, some are pleasant while others tend to be nightmarish. When I started my gender dreams, they were pleasant enough. Most of the dreams involved in me being very attractive and existing successfully in my dream feminine world. As it turned out, if that was all which was involved, life would have been so much easier.

Early on, I spent many hours shopping for just the right wardrobe additions so I could present better and better in the world as my dream woman. Due to financial considerations, thrift stores in particular were my friends. In fact, in most of them, I became so comfortable I started to use the changing rooms so I could try on sizes as well as styles. The whole process became so beneficial, I actually became very good at judging which styles would look good on me and even found sizes which fit me. Slowly but surely I began to transform my style into one that blended into the world from the former trashy fashion I thought looked good. My dream was telling me, all my validation as a transgender woman came from being admired by men when in fact it was other women who mattered.

Along the way, I was even able to learn to develop different wardrobe outfits for different occasions. Examples included if I was going to a lesbian bar, I would dress differently than if I was going to a summer downtown summer festival. My goal was to present as an "lipstick lesbian" in boots, jeans and blond wig in the bar but go for a much softer look with a light top, flowing slacks and dark wig when I went downtown. Even I was amazed on how fast my wardrobe had expanded so I could accomplish my goals of blending and enjoying my evenings. Especially the gay bar when a butch lesbian in a cowboy hat forced me into trying to sing karaoke with her. Something I was totally against because I was and am I totally not a good singer. To make a long story short, I managed to blurt out the only country song I knew and left...in a hurry. Her only comment I remembered hearing was my voice was lower than hers. At the least, the bartender got a laugh out of the whole affair since she knew the truth about me. 

Surprisingly to me, none of this was in my dreams. In fact, my dreams were fairly mundane when compared to how my life was turning out when I transitioned into a fulltime life as a transgender woman. No longer was I in essence playing with my gender. When I started hormone replacement therapy and finally came to the conclusion I was no longer a casual cross dresser, I knew I was no longer in a dream.

It took me years, to figure out my gender issues were much more than casual dreams. Plus, my gender was much more than a game I was playing with. These days, my sub conscious is catching up with the fact I transitioned a decade ago to living as a transwoman. I am dreaming increasingly of me as a woman.
 

Dream it To be It

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on UnSplash

 If you are similar to me, many times when you woke up as a kid in the morning you were saddened when you realized the experience you had was nothing more than an evil dream. In other words, in my dreams I was living life as the girl or woman I always wanted to be.

As I grew older, the dreams never went away. Instead they just became more complex and intense. Often the dreams were so intense I would have a difficult time trying to return to reality. Once I did return to my unwanted life as a male, I didn't want to be there. All along I was pursuing a highly secret life in my dark gender closet. When I did it, at the least, I could relieve the pressure of not being a feminine person the best I could do. 

Ironically, it was near this time when I started to participate in organized athletics. During my earliest days of interacting with coaches I learned the basics of muscle memory. To oversimplify the idea, it means you just repeat a motion until it becomes a habit. It turned out, over the years of learning the best I could to cross the gender border, I used the idea of applying muscle memory to certain aspects of moving as a woman. I practiced and I practiced until it became difficult to switch back to moving as my old male self. 

During this time also, I was dreaming more and more concerning the possibility I could ever live fulltime as a transgender woman. The more positive feedback I received the closer the dream became to reality. I began to seriously dream my biggest goal might become become a distant reality. I knew then I had serious work to do. I began a stairstep method to my male to female gender transition. Once I accomplished going to a certain venue, I would try another to see if I could learn anything new. The whole process was exciting and the whole time I was living my old unwanted male life I was dreaming of my next feminine step.

Possibly, the biggest step I always mention was when I needed to undertake the new world of communication as a woman with other women who showed the most interest in me of the two primary genders. For the most part, men didn't pay me much interest for whatever reason. Quickly I learned the power of non verbal signals as my life began to change as well as adjusting to a world of passive aggression.

Once I survived all of the steps I was taking to live my dream. At the same time doors all around me were opening and closing around me. By opening, my dreams could become a reality but by doing so I finally needed to take the final steps to stop all interaction with my male self. So closing became more than I bargained for and the stress became unbearable since I was risking so much. Life as I knew it as a man would be over and losing all the male privileges I worked so hard for was so scary. Mental health problems became a reality as I my ultimate dream drew closer. Of course I was worried my dream would become a nightmare.

Spoiler alert, my dream was not a nightmare and everything I hoped for became a reality as I was able to achieve my ultimate goal of living a feminine life. Call it muscle memory or anything you want but I was able to dream it to be it. I was fortunate.