The Ultimate Obsession

 

Image from Brett Jordan
on UnSplash

As I recall, the ultimate obsession I had with being feminine began with explorations into my Mom's clothing and makeup. Once I started I couldn't let it go.

Little did I know, I would need to follow quite the winding and rough path as I crossed the gender border from male to female. As soon as I conquered one of my goals and escaped my very dark and lonely closet another wall or barrier would crop up to challenge my obsession. An example would be how I imagined just improving my outward feminine appearance would be enough to help me live in the world as a transgender woman. All the process really did was set me up for other huge challenges.

Challenges such as how I would or ever could learn to communicate with other women in their world. Nothing in the process was easy and often terrifying. The old "no pain-no gain" saying proved to be all too true. Just attempting to modulate a feminine sounding voice to match my appearance was the ultimate challenge. Plus I needed to learn to always make eye contact with other women as we engaged in conversation. A simple statement saying I loved another woman's ear-rings often proved to be the ice breaker I needed to survive in my new gender world. 

Through it all, my male self was fighting me all the way. Every move I made to try to enable me to be more feminine was a problem to him. Deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle because when I was pursuing my authentic self I felt so natural. So everytime I was questioning the path I was taking, the bottom line was if it all felt so natural, it was the right thing to do. Somehow I needed to conquer my fears and temporary setbacks and follow my own personal ultimate obsession. Follow it I did.

No matter how complex my life became as I ended up attempting to share a life between the two primary genders, until the pressure became too intense to survive, I did my best to live my life. My male self kept resorting back to what he had always done...internalize his feelings and hope for the best. His best never came as I continued my path towards my ultimate obsession. Even then, I had no idea if I could make it to my ultimate goal of living a life as a transgender woman. Fulltime with no interference from my old male self. 

As I always point out the struggle nearly killed me and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I was one of the lucky trans women or trans men who all of a sudden found the doors opening which would allow me to finally follow my obsession which had followed me my entire life.  Destiny showed me the way around life's setbacks such as close friends and family dying. It all allowed me to have very little resistance to living my own life as I saw fit. Also near the same time, the Veterans health care system I was part of started to provide help with hormone replacement therapy, which I was fortunate enough to be healthy enough to be a part of.

In short, my life which was very much in shambles faded away and I was finally able to achieve my ultimate obsession. To lead a feminine life and even to become remarried again to my wife Liz who accepted me all the way. 

The path I took was never easy but on the other hand, my trip was never boring and provided me with a unique look at life others never have.  

Veterans Weekend

 

Civil War Cemetery image from 
the Jessie Hart archives.  

Since I am a veteran of the Army during the Vietnam War era, I feel as if I can expand the observance of Veterans Day to more than one day.

Veterans I think should be recognized for their service as well as their sacrifice. It should be noted many vets joined the military to try to outrun their gender issues. Or, the well worn, the military will make me a man theory. More than a few transgender people tried the same method by getting married and having children. In my defense, I did neither. I was in essence drafted into the military and decided to get married to my first wife just ahead of the birth of my only child. 

Interestingly, since I now live as a transgender woman, most of my friends and acquaintances don't remember at all that I am a veteran. As such, I receive very few thanks from anyone for my service. Then again, it fits right in with my experience as a Vietnam Vet. For those who don't remember or aren't old enough, the war was very unpopular. Even to the point of taking it out on the people who served. I gave my Army uniform to my Mom while telling her I never wanted to see it again. In the years following, I reclaimed it as memories started to fade.

It always bears mentioning, the number of in the closet transgender veterans who never had a chance to escape their gender closets and ended up paying the ultimate cost for their country is tremendous. Veterans Day is just one of several days of the year we should pause to remember those service men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country. And what would we have without their service. 

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the other veterans who I know read this blog.  Thanks for your service.

Puberty

 

Estrogen patch on 
UnSplash

It isn't often in life a human gets to go through puberty twice. 

More than a few transgender women and trans men are counted among those who have had experienced puberty on both sides of the binary gender borders. Of course starting hormone replacement therapy will kick start another puberty. Even though my HRT began at a minimum level of medications, quickly I began the changes I was craving. Probably quicker than others because my natural output of testosterone was decreasing because of my age which was in my early sixties. Regardless, the changes were shocking to me on occasion. 

Very quickly, my breasts started to grow, even to the point of having to consider wearing very loose fitting shirts to cover up my new found shapes. All the process really did was speed up how long I had to actually quit wearing any of my male clothes at all, learn more and more how (and if) I could live as a transgender woman and never look back. As it turned out, there were many other positive changes I quickly went through to seal my decision. My skin softened as my body hair thinned out and my facial angles began to soften also. Not to mention, my hair was following the lead of what my doctor told me and really started to grow. Wigs were quickly out for me as I had no male patterned baldness. 

All the changes led me to a very androgynous appearance. All of a sudden I was losing all of the "Sir" references I cringed at. I was amazed at my progress which was happening with my minimum dosages I was prescribed. It is always very important for me to note I was (and am) under a doctors' care for my hormone replacement therapy. Along the way I have sadly seen the effects of hormones unsupervised on transgender women. I wanted no part of being unsupervised at my later stages of life on hormones which have the capability of making such dramatic changes. 

One of the most dramatic changes I went through one night when I was in the middle of my second puberty was when I experienced my first major hot flash. I was in one of my favorite venues enjoying a tall beer when all of the sudden I felt as if I was internally combusting. The hot flash came on so fast and so completely, I was taken aback and wondered if anyone else noticed I was on fire. No one did and I finished my drink and headed out into the cooler autumn evening to make sure I could look at myself in my car mirror. Surprisingly, I looked the same and no worse for wear after my hot flash. When I brought up the experience to my cis-woman friends, they just smiled and said welcome to their world of hormonal change.

Although, I was amazed how quickly the external  HRT changes took place and ecstatic, the internal difference I was going through was just as amazing. All of a sudden for the first time in my life,  I could cry and to a lesser extent my internal thermostat went through a radical time when all of a sudden I was cold more often and even my sense of smell improved. In other words, my world just softened and I was happier.

These days, my hormonal transition continues as my body fat is shifting to my thighs, hips and rear area. Very simply I am amazed and happy I don't have to go back to the old days of fashioning foam pads to give myself a feminine shape. 

I remember the days so long ago when I was not particularly happy when I was going through the changes of male puberty. I didn't want to grow bigger and more angular because I would be challenged when I tried to dress in my rapidly shrinking feminine wardrobe. As my life went by, there was nothing I could do concerning going through a male puberty and ending up facing the effects of testosterone poisoning for what amounted to over a half a century. 

My only solution was hormone replacement therapy and I know I am fortunate to have survived and benefitted from the results because not everyone else can.