Gender Misfits

Image from Bruno Guerrero 
on UnSplash

I know I am speaking to the choir here when I point out how alone we all felt concerning our gender issues early in life.

Those of us of a certain age vividly remember the days before the internet brought the world closer and social media made it easier to contact like minded transgender individuals. Or I should say cross dressers and/or transvestites were included also. Suddenly, a whole new world was available to us.

In the meantime, there was so much we needed to figure out on our own. Without any sort of a peer group to help us with our clothes and makeup, often the process of adjusting to the world took longer. So, the feeling of being a misfit became very ingrained. I know for the longest time, I deeply felt all of my gender problems were of my own doing. How else could I explain the differences I felt with everyone else? Long story short, I couldn't and often my feelings left me deeply depressed.  How could I ever move through my life.

Somehow I made it through this very unsure time of my life. The problem was I was usually unable to seek out any long term friendships. Outside of a very few exceptions, I had very few friends in the new, larger high school I transferred to from the small rural school I previously went to. Plus, as far as girl friends were concerned, it took me until the end of my junior year to have my first date with a girl at all and that one was basically set up by people I barely knew. I was being set up for a friend of theirs's for the prom that year. Once again, I felt as if I was a misfit and should be the one wearing the elegant gown and be the one receiving the flowers. Even though I was scared to death, I made it through the evening and even ended up having a fairly good time.

Even with the first big date with a girl out of the way, I still felt as if I was still a misfit. I stayed in my very small group of friends who were mainly into sports and cars which enabled me to keep the bullies away. At least if I was a misfit, I was a protected one. 

Amazingly, when I went away to college, my desire to be a girl hit an all time low...for awhile. Of course, just when I was feeling like I was able to shake my misfit status, the old feelings came back. Before I knew it, once again I was cross dressing as much as I could and I was still feeling as my old misfit self. 

It wasn't until much later in life when I was able to fully accept myself as a transgender woman. When I did, the whole time I thought I was a misfit was wrong. I also discovered transvestite mixers and support groups where I met others with similar gender issues. The whole process enabled me to discover where I belonged on the gender spectrum. Meeting others was all it took to take away all doubts of me being the one who was a misfit. 

I just wish it didn't take me so long to come to the realization society was made up of misfits and not me.

Into the Fire

Actual Image from Bar-Mitzvah 
Liz on left, daughter on right.

 Shortly after I let the world into my gender closet, I had to hitch up my new big girl panties and get in the game. Under big time fire. 

What happened was, just after I came out to my daughter just happened to closely coincide with my oldest grandson's Jewish Bar-Mitzvah. Little did I know at the time how closely I would be involved.

What happened was, since I was one of the grandparents, I actually had a small part to read at the formal ceremony at their temple.

Fortunately, I had plenty of experience in public speaking from my old radio days so I wasn't afraid of getting back up in front of a crowd of people. Plus, I thought, how many people would show up anyhow and this would be my first chance to interact with many strangers for the first time as a transgender woman. No pressure, right????

When the time quickly rolled around, I was surprised how many people showed up for the ceremony. The rows of pews quickly were filling up along with my anxiety. What would all the strangers think of me and especially, what would my grandson. Finally, it was my turn to speak my part of the ceremony and there was no turning back. Naturally I was petrified and tried to hold back my panic. To make a long story short, the presentation I gave went by in a split second and nobody in the audience seemed to pay any attention to me anyhow as far as my gender presentation went.

After I was tossed into the fire, I was warmly greeted by the Rabbi who welcomed me into the ceremony plus, later I had the opportunity to meet her again at the party which was held afterwards. Of course the party was my chance to wind down and relax following my brief but intense place in the spotlight. 

On the way home, when I could finally breathe again, I marveled on how completely I was accepted by my daughter's new religion. I'm far from an expert on the difference in Jewish faith's but I think her temple is part of the Reformed Jewish religion. Since that time, I have been easily accepted by all of her in-laws, so that must be the case.

When I thought of the entire occasion later, I came to the conclusion of when you are going to jump into the fire, do it all the way. 

And finally, the best part was my grandson seemed to be really proud of me for participating as my authentic self.  Lesson learned from being a good role model.

I don't write it nearly enough, but thanks to all of you who stop by to read my writings. Your input makes it all worthwhile!

Camera Ready?

Local Alzheimer's upcoming Schedule

 

Today is one of the rare days I have dual appointments with my Veterans Administration providers. 

To attend all my virtual VA appointments, I was sent a tablet which is only for VA use because my old lap top I use for blogging somehow did not work well enough for the system I was working with. Ironically, it seems to work well enough for other online or virtual appointments I have had with the Alzheimer's diversity committee I serve on, so I don't know what the problem is. Plus I have a virtual Zoom class coming up in a week or so with the Cincinnati Council on Aging, so hopefully my old lap top will hang in there.

Regardless, I always have to make myself look presentable as possible. At the least a fresh shave, eye makeup, and lipstick is a must along with brushing back my long hair. Sometimes, I tie my hair  all the way back. The issue I have with the tablet is it provides only a thumb size image to work with. Then again, the days my gender dysphoria is kicking in,  I don't really want to be seen anyhow. The tablet provides me with the next best thing. 

I need to point out also, the VA keeps very strict standards on how someone should look during the virtual visit. In fact, during one of the LGBT group sessions, one participant who decided to attend in a bikini received a call from the moderator and was told to change. Plus, I know for those of us who are under mental health care also, how you look goes into our file. Seems a bit radical to me but I of course don't set the rules. My guess is, if your provider sees your appearance dramatically slip, it is a warning sign.

Also coming up fairly soon will be my chance to make myself available for my yearly blood labs for my nurse practitioners who keep track of my overall health. I have an in person, local visit scheduled with one of them in October. Before then, I have another Alzheimer's diversity committee scheduled for the latter part of September. It is in person All of which have kept me on point when it comes to thinking ahead on my appearance. Already I have been thinking about what I am going to wear.

All in all, it doesn't seem possible time this year is flying by as fast as it is. All too soon it will be time for my birthday to have come and gone and then be time for my wife Liz's operations in late October. Time to quote my Mom again...Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.