Just Smile!

Image from Vicki
Hladynets on UnSplash

 Even though one of the first things I learned when I began to experience the public first hand as my feminine self was everyone was looking at me, sometimes I still forget the consequences. 

This morning I was reminded.

It happened when I went with my wife Liz to one of her doctor's appointments. While I waited, I was facing the receptionist and was oblivious to what was going on until I looked up and she was looking at me. The mistake I then made was instead of immediately smiling my hello at her, she smiled at me first. The whole process took me back to an incident I had years ago with a young girl when I was shopping in one of my favorite clothing stores. The girl ran around a rack of clothes and all of a sudden we were face to face with each other. I must have scared her because the next thing that I heard was Mom, look at the BIG woman. I thought well at the least she didn't mis-gender me, until she said the BIG MEAN woman. I then realized I needed to make a major change in my feminine presentation.

The change I needed to make was how I used my facial expressions. Here I was putting all the effort into my makeup and wardrobe, then I ruined it all by keeping that old male scowl on my face. Especially with other women, I was immediately outing myself as a cross dresser or transvestite. I certainly needed to change the way I was presenting myself to the world. Especially since I was discovering more and more I needed to deal with both genders differently. Specifically in the women's restroom I learned if I led with a small smile in my presentation, it was exactly how the other women did it. Also, it was all right to lead with a smile because I wasn't dealing with the old confrontational world I had to live as a male. I resolved to make my smile a go to effort with other women I encountered and it worked. Even though they may have considered I was transgender, if I smiled first, they didn't consider me a threat. 

Perhaps this morning, my excuse was I hadn't had any coffee yet so it was early and I was grumpy. It doesn't matter. I should have never forgotten one of my basic rules of presenting in public. As a woman (transgender or not), we are always on stage and need to remember it. Men bluster their way through life while women finesse it.  Just another example of how the rules change when you cross the gender border. 

Sadly, no matter how hard I try, sometimes I have a tendency to slip back in to old ingrained male habits without even thinking. Back in the old days, I could simply stop people from interacting with me with a look. The difference now is I want to invite them in as a woman but only if they are another woman. I didn't this morning and I feel bad.

The positive is I realized it and smiled back hoping to manage any damage, Plus, I will have a chance to see her again during the next appointment. Certainly. I will be sure I make the first move and smile with a hello.

It's All a Dream

 

Transvestia Cover from
the year I graduated 
High School

When I began my gender journey years ago, little did I know many of my dreams would become a reality. 

In the midst of being so young, all things were possible but at the same time impossible. Here I was so all alone in my very dark, isolated closet thinking I was the only one in the world who wanted desperately to be a girl. I would be years away from my first "Transvestia" Magazine where I learned there were actually many others like me called transvestites. Plus, from that point forward, I had other cross dressers to compare myself to. After all, there were so many others who looked wonderful and I could only dream of looking like.

Then, "Transvestia" opened the door to more one on one interaction with other transvestites by publicizing social mixers I could actually attend because some were close enough geographically to be there. I did go and was exposed to a whole new world I never knew existed. There were cross dressers trying to hide their feminine side with cigars and cowboy hats (way before the Urban Cowboy movie) all the way to the impossibly beautiful transsexuals' who I couldn't believe were ever male at all. Through it all, I still had the impression I did not totally belong in either group. I could dream of looking as good as the second group I mentioned, but getting there was going to take me quite a lot of work. 

Ironically, the mixers led me to networking myself to smaller groups of like minded individuals in Columbus, Ohio which was a much shorter drive to where I lived but far enough away I would not be recognized as a version of my male self. Back in those days, he was standing directly in the way of all my feminine dreams and making any progress difficult to maintain. In many ways, he and my second wife were allies against my authentic self who so much enjoyed the new interaction she was having at the small parties she was attending in Columbus. Those attending again included anyone from cross dressers admirers to lesbians to transsexuals headed for genital realignment surgery. I was able to learn from them all and wonder what future path my life could take. Following the parties, I would spend days daydreaming of the next one and would I be able to get time off of work to actually go. With or without my wife who was normally the only spouse who attended the small mixer. I could sense the whole evening was not enjoyable for her.

As much as my gender daydreaming threatened to disrupt my everyday life during the days following the party, I still found time to do my job well. As well as dream of my next move. Which was could I ever think or dream of considering a life as a full time transgender woman. The term was just being coined at the time and to me it meant a new freedom from the old belief transsexual's needed to complete their gender surgery, sever all ties, then move away and just disappear. Perhaps there was hope for me yet.

Through the small sliver of hope I maintained over the years, it was true I could have the life I had always dreamed of. I was able to carve out a life in what I considered to be a feminine dominated world. Gone were the days of trying to please my old male self with how I dressed and in came the days of dressing to blend with the majority of the women I encountered in the world.  It all led to me considering and beginning hormone replacement therapy and really changing my life away from my old male self. Basically as far as I could without surgery. 

What I really learned through it all is if you can manage to live long enough, life is but a circle and some dreams can come true if you can stay the course. Which essentially what happened to me.

Fun and Games?

 

Image from Itai Aarons 
on UnSplash

Far too many instances these days I read about someone saying being transgender or having gender dysphoria is a choice.

For those of us who have (or continue to) suffer through our own gender issues, we have never had a choice. The problems with our gender meshing with our authentic selves is much more than just thinking we could put a dress on us and the world would be so much better. If only it could be so easy. Quite early in life I learned just looking myself in the mirror as a girl was a fleeting idea. Not only did I want to look like one of the girls I envied so much, I wanted to actually be one of them. Such a radical idea was to lead me into a lifetime quest to live as a transgender woman. A term which still would be years away from being invented as I looked into the mirror. 

When I look back at the whole process, it was never fun and games because the pressure was on to conceal my cross dressing from my parents and only brother who was a couple years younger than I and very curious. Very few times I remember being able to actually relax and enjoy what I was trying to accomplish. Which brings up the question, why do it? The answer is simple, because I had no choice. Deep down, something kept me driving towards being feminine, at least in appearance, It would take me years longer to learn the finer points of moving around and succeeding in the world as a transgender woman. Most of the time, the process was very painful and very few times exhilarating. I was at once guarded and afraid and out and happy on others. The night I went out to see the Christmas light display at a nearby restored mill comes to mind. 

I wore my fuzziest, warmest sweater along with leggings and boots and out I went to test what it would exactly be like to see the lights as a woman. Along the way, I even became brave enough to stop and order a cup of warm hot chocolate to thaw out. The whole evening turned out to be very satisfying because everyone I encountered seemed to be nice to me but even still wasn't what I called fun and games.  Plus, the twinkling lights were brighter and certainly more fun to see. 

It is also not fun and games when you have to deal with the up's and down's of having gender dysphoria. Often the process was similar to taking a continual ride on your favorite roller coaster. You spend so much time effort and money to prepare your image as you climb to the  top of the coaster. Then you feel the exhilaration on the first steep downward slope only to hit the bottom and be depressed again. After all, gender dysphoria is a deep dark place place to be. Especially when you combine it with a bi-polar disorder like I did. Often my mood roller coaster spent way too much time at the bottom until I reached out for help.

Just once I wish someone who thinks being transgender is a choice would have to experience our existence. Why would a person give up the gender privilege's they worked so hard to accumulate during their lives? The partial answer is it takes a person who can grasp a complex situation to accept a trans woman or man. Often we are still trying to understand our selves.

One thing is for sure, the journey for us has never been easy, is not a choice and is never fun and games.