Magnificent Obsession

Image from UnSplash

Early in life when I was going through the difficult steps of attempting to sort out my gender dysphoria, one of my ideas was my desire to be feminine was merely an obsession.

On good days, I even thought what I was going through was an evil joke which I would out grow. Naturally I never did out grow wanting to be a woman and on the other hand just grew into it. To arrive at understanding my gender journey, I needed to make many twists and turns along the way. The first involved just not getting caught when I tried to cross dress as a girl for my favorite mirror. I have no idea now how I got away with everything I did. Including even shaving the hated hair from my legs. My biggest problem was having an ever inquisitive slightly younger brother who was always getting in my way. 

As I grew into (then out of) my ideas of cross dressing being a harmless hobby, I again began to wonder if the whole process I was living was still an obsession. As I did though, my mind was flooded with reassurances I was on the right path with my gender issues. I spent too many hours obsessing on the next time I would be able to cross dress in my feminine clothes. I often wish I had the time back I wasted on my magnificent obsession. When I couldn't dress when I wanted to, it made me a nasty person and one which was not easy to live with. All because I was having a hard time living with myself. It was a period of my life I am not proud of.

Finally, when I could take the gender pressure no longer, I began to venture out of my deep, dark and lonely gender closet. I learned the obsession was only going one way and it was because my old male self was obsessed with holding on to his life, no matter what. It was then I entered my transgender stage of my life. When I decided to go out in the public's eye as a woman. Not as a person just trying to look like one. Even though the process was tremendously frightening, it was equally as enlightening. I found once I did it, I could exist in the public's eye as the feminine person I always dreamed of being. From that point forward the magnificent obsession flipped and I knew I could pursue a life as a transgender woman. A life I had only dreamed of.

Even though I found a feminine transgender life may be possible, my male self was still busy whispering in my ear. He was saying what about telling friends, family and what about my job. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. It was extremely difficult to uproot a male life I was so entrenched in to begin a new one. I write often on how much the gender pressure effected me. I was so close to my dream yet so far away. Plus even though I was close, there was still so much to learn to fulfill my phantom obsession of being invited to play in the girl's sandbox. 

Call it what you will but my magnificent obsession led me to finally living my dream as a fulltime transgender woman.    

Gender Copycats?

 

Image from Kelly Sikkema
on UnSplash

Just one of the major misconceptions transgender women and trans men face is we are just copying the gender we are transitioning into.

The majority of people never come to, or accept the fact we are not copying anything. We are just in the process of becoming our true selves. I know my first inkling I was doing much more than copying the girls I admired so much than just copying them. When I grew tired of just looking at myself in the mirror, I knew I needed to move forward or continue to be completely miserable. Or, I was quickly tired of just being a cross dresser long before the term transgender was ever invented. It is one of those times I wish I had known then what I know now.

As the years of life flew by, so did my feelings about being feminine. I grew more and more into being the newer transgender label. For some reason even needing a label appealed to me. Somehow the process made me feel closer to a group of like minded individuals. When I first began my search I was struggling to find such a group. The first mixers I attended which labeled themselves as being only for heterosexual transvestites, were far from being only for those people. I discovered a wonderful mixture of every sort of person from male admirers, to hetero cross dressers to very feminine and sexually ambiguous transsexuals.  Deep down I thought I needed a place to fit in but it was very difficult for me to do so. I was very frustrated to have come this far to still have no answers. It turned out I would have to live many more years until my major gender questions would be answered. 

Ironically, the only questions I had answers for were the fact any answers I found just led me to more questions. Was I really just copying the women I admired so much, or were my feelings much deeper than all of that. To arrive, I found I needed to explore more completely who I was as a person. Was I truly a transgender person and what did that mean anyhow. Fortunately by that time, the world was catching up with me and I found comparisons with other like minded transgender women who felt they didn't completely fit in with the world. Of course it was scary to leave my comfortable male past behind but I discovered a new incredible feminine life I couldn't live without. I finally learned I was far more than just a gender copycat which a part of an unapproving world said I was. 

Through my journey, I remained way too loyal to my old male self. Eventually, the gender pressure became too much and I needed to be man enough to leave my past behind me. I chose to live in the real world, the feminine one and not look back. I was not in anyway shape or form a copycat of anyone else. Once I really began to transition in earnest, I learned the hard part was behind me. My inner feminine soul was ready willing and able to take over my life as only she could. She was telling me in no uncertain terms she was reaping the benefits now of having to live in the background for so many years. 

One way to completely upset her is to say she is a gender copycat of any sort. She has paid her dues to be her own person.

Gender Countdown

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

My journey to living my dream as a transgender woman admittedly took a long time. 

Too long to many who blame me for waiting so long and tried to say I was somehow less transgender than they were. Which of course, I immediately dismissed. After all after I had spent nearly a half a century to achieve my goals, who were they to question me anyhow. Also, they dismissed me since I turned my back on any possible gender altering surgeries. My reasons included not wanting to undertake any serious surgeries at my age. I was in my early sixties when I decided to undergo HRT which I still call "Hormone Replacement Therapy.' Since I understand has been relabeled in some circles. It's interesting in that the topic this week of my Veteran's Administration group session this week included two full pages on just transgender related labels from over the years.

Then, there was always the matter of trying to properly present  my feminine gender in a brave new world. Along the way, a trans woman friend of mine told me I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took to mean, I was going out in the world doing the best I could and I would learn as I went along. Similar to on the job training. As I continued my on the job gender training, I learned the hard way, the more I learned the more I needed to learn.

I was fortunate in that my entire life I made observing women a priority. By doing so, I had a head start when it came to surviving in a new world. Even though I had made major strides, I found I could not learn enough to overcome all of the obstacles I would face. The main one was to be worried about my own personal safety. Looking back, it was the main male privilege I lost when I transitioned. There were many more but none where I had my safety questioned several times by stray men. 

For some reason, destiny led me into the company of lesbians when I was included into a small circle of friends I socialized with. With them, I learned to be an observer more than an active participant until I began to gather my confidence. From there I learned also how women don't need a man for verification. It was during this period of my life my gender countdown really became faster. I began to make up for lost time. 

Perhaps the final and biggest push to my countdown came when my future wife Liz told me I should complete my MtF gender transition. She told me at the time she had never seen anything male about me at all. Finally the doors were opening for me to live my transgender dream. To celebrate, Liz was with me the night I took the first minimal HRT dosage. 

The only regret I have on my countdown, is I put myself through so much torment before I completed it. (To my specifications.) I could have saved myself another suicide attempt as well as other unpleasant possibilities My gender countdown would have come to an unpleasant end. .