I Did Not Want to Wake Up!

As I read and see all these transgender women and trans girls talk and write about always wanting to be or feeling like a girl-I wonder where did I go wrong?

Was I really a transgender "pretender" or a glorified cross dresser as many were quick to suggest?

In my "spare time" these days I seemingly am turning up more and more gender "history" on myself. First of all, let me point out I could give a rat's ass less what 99% of the people think about me. These are merely a few of my "aha" moments.

1.- Yes, I did wake up some mornings desperately wanting to be a girl.
2.- On Christmas, YES I did want girly things and not boy gifts.
3.- No, I never wanted to hunt and fish with Dad and brother (although I did later embrace fishing later.
4.-Possibly the best story is the year we went on a vacation fishing in Canada and for no reason in particular happened along another car for a stretch of highway time. In the car was a teen girl with what I considered was a beautiful head of long dark hair. I again, desperately wanted to be here. I ended up burying my head in my pillow and tried to dream about being a girl.
5.-Speaking of dreaming, yes I did have many dreams which turned out to be nightmares. I dreamed I was a girl-and woke up a boy-again.

So, there you go. i am not sure there is some sort of a transgender rating system. But that was mine. 

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

KerPlunk! Another Sunday edition is hitting your virtual front porch! We are experiencing another very "normal" summer Sunday here in Southwestern Ohio-complete with loud "thunder-boomers" in the middle of the night. For no particular reason, we are drinking our "Joe" hot (coffee) this morning. Grab a cup and let's get started.

Page One.-The Week that Was or Wasn't.- Transgender kids came front and center again-a good thing!  The TLC network (for once) featured a show which didn't feature a child molester family such as the Duggars and/or Honey Boo's Mom and promoted their upcoming trans superstar teen "Jazz Jennings"  

Page Two.- Party Girl.- This weekend was my youngest grandson's birthday. The party proved a very uneventful coming out affair for me and a very fun time for the eight year old party boy. To put it easily, I was only mispronounced once and didn't feel much different one way or another around all of them. One thing that did help though was Liz calling me Cyrsti at every turn and both using the "she" pronoun with me. Plus, in what I call the transgender coming out "ripple effect", my daughter's Sister in Law is from Cincinnati and is ready willing and able to go out with Liz and I to eat and enjoy an adult beverage. Each person who knows and embraces a trans person is where real change beings.

Page Three.- Health is everything! The best news this week for me personally was being pretty much given a clean bill of health on some of my "innards" the docs were looking at. Now, I know at 66, anything can happen but I will take any good news I can get! (Yay!)

Page Four.- The Back Page.- It's been fun kids, but today after we get moving, excitement will include, buying some more very addictive chocolate covered coffee beans, maybe try some salt and vinegar dried crickets and finally color my hair (again). As always, thanks for being my guest here in the Condo!!!! You all are the best!!! 

The Right Answer is There Isn't One

Over the years of my Mtf gender transition, I have come across many with a "it's my way-or the highway" approach to living a transgender life. Truthfully, I know along the way-I have been there too. Guilty as charged.

Recently, I have happened across a couple other bloggers who seem to facing the same problem from others.

Stana at Femulate is one and Francine at In Transition is the other. As is usually the case, Stana wrote a thought provoking personal post essentially about her life. I really don't want to describe it anymore than to say Stana talked in depth abut her life as a "feminine man" and her extensive fashion sense. I will say though, it seemed she was trying to "rationalize" all of it.  No need to!!! The world is full of feminine men and masculine women. Plus, as far as style goes, Stana and I very much fabulous examples of the opposite ends of the trans style spectrum and that's OK too!!! 

If nothing else, all the recent publicity with Caitlin Jenner, Laverne Cox and others should show the world as a transgender community we are different. And, appearance alone far from defines us.

In a similar vein was the post from Francine in which a reader asked her about the best way to come out to her family. Again, her answer was a good one. There is no right answer. Each person is different. 

The only right answer is to take care of yourself. Do your best to follow a path you can understand. Just be aware there will be many blind curves. It sounds like a clique but if you are heading the right way, your inner girl will tell you. She has all he right answers!

Happy Birthday?

Tomorrow night is a family birthday party of my youngest Grand Son. It is yet another in a line of coming out parties for me too. The problem is, I don't want to be the center of attention to fully half of the attendee's who have never met me out of boy-drag.

But after fully catching hell for not coming as me to the last couple birthday parties and coming out to all three kids-I will be there.

Truly, I don't have much apprehension except (of course) what am I going to wear. Blah, blah, blah!) Also, of major importance is the condition (or lack or it) of my hair. Very quickly, my main color of gray is winning it's inevitable battle. With a little luck, I should be able to sweet talk Liz with providing her bathroom-if I don't turn it into a copy (again) of the shower murder scene in "Psycho." If you have never colored your hair the color will stick to you, walls and everything else it comes in contact with. (I learned the hard way-of course!)

My paranoia is, I just don't want my presence to take away from an eight year old boys birthday party! Being transgender in a room full of people means finding a corner to hide in is tough!

Transgender Learning on TLC?

I recoil for the most part anytime I think of "TLC" (The Learning Channel) being a source of any positive television programming at all. After all, one of their greatest programming debacles was"Nineteen and Counting"  -recently exposed for covering allegations of inner family child abuse. If you remember, TLC also featured "Honey Boo Boo."

However last night, I caught an episode?documentary called simply Transgender Kids on TLC and next Wednesday TLC will begin a series featuring transgender girl Jazz Jennings.

Here is a link to the promo-just ignore the rest of the side show. 

"Paranoia and the Duck"

I have written extensively here in Cyrsti's Condo of my complete and total paranoia about spending my last days in this life tossed back in the closet of a bleak nursing home.  OK, I could be too much of a drama queen I know but then again it's my paranoia which lives in it's special little closet in my noggin.

Now, enter the Aflac Insurance Duck character. Wasn't it the Duck who said "without your health-you have nothing?" Well probably not, but-

My point is, I wrote a post about a scheduled "cat-scan" I had last Thursday at my Veterans Administration Hospital. Having no idea of what to expect physically, I did the best I could to shave my legs,pits etc. Of course after I did all of that my "Rolls" car broke down on the way and the only person who could conceivably appreciate all my "grooming" would be the tow truck driver on the way home. (I was wearing a long skirt anyhow.)

Tomorrow morning, I an rescheduled to do it all again.

Again, call me a "drama queen" but I do see all of this as the first stages of my future health care. I really do have a healthy "fear" of being the androgynous "senior critter" who has shown up for tests. Plus, I have led a remarkably healthy life, so I have no experience to fall back on. As we all know, the fear of the unknown is the worst fear of all.

Being a transgender woman though ( I feel ) has made me uniquely qualified to "face down" the unknown.

Tomorrow, I just want to make it to the appointment and let the "Duck" take care of the rest. 

Married in Moscow

My only question about this picture of  Alison Brooks (left) with new husband Alina Davis (Dmitry Kozhukhov) after their wedding in Moscow some time ago-was Putin the best man?


Plus, I dooooo love the wedding gowns!!!

Cyrsti's Condo-Hey Jill was that your Husband in the Gay Bar?

The tall blond to the right thought cross dressing up for the Womanless Beauty Pageant in one of his old Halloween Costume would be innocent enough - until some of his wife's friends recognized him from the gay bar he went to that night!!!

Transgender Women and the "She" Word

Last night I did catch another episode of Becoming Us on the ABC Family Network.

As you can imagine, some gender bigots do not consider this show family friendly programming. (That's when you know you are watching the right show!)

Last night's show featured a clash of cultures of sorts. Mtf Carly's step daughter was getting married.  Carly and family are in the Chicago area, step daughter lives in New York City and future Son in Law's parents are from South Carolina.

Regardless of my suspicions of a "set up", the fact remained that "Mother of the Bride" could not quit mis-pronouncing Carly. In fact at times she kept calling her by her former male name - in front of the rest of the family at a dinner.

Out of respect for all the good people of South Carolina, I don't think this woman was carrying her Confederate flag. She was just gender ignorant-but worse yet thought it was OK-even cute.

At the least, last night's show, took a look at the harmful effects the use of a simple pronoun can have on those of us who cherish the correct one so much.

'Nuttin Honey'

Rarely am I at a loss for words-written or vocal. That's not to say I am full of quality words, but over my lifetime I have faced down my share of "Bull-shitters." Today it seems is one of those days my noggin is quiet.

As all of you know (who are 'blessed' with gender dysphoria) times are rare when we don't try to dig deep within ourselves and question "why"?

I think I am in one of those burn out modes I get into. Going into the Fourth of July weekend, my "Rolls" (car) broke down and I couldn't make my VA Cat scan appointment, was laid up with a bum knee and had to figure out how to scrape up money to pay my property tax. So I basically spent the weekend not at Liz's, by myself as she was working. I don't do well left to myself and basically want to knaw my arm off.

So, today, I am on the comeback trail. My car is getting fixed, my knee is feeling better and my cat-scan has been rescheduled. About the best I could come up with yesterday was a trip through Walmart with "ghosts of cross dressing past." I am too lazy today so far to jump over to Pinterest to snag a photo of an impossibly beautiful (and/or fake transgender woman).

One benefit of being retired is, I can relax a bit more before something else in the transgender world happens I can write about.

Until then, silence is golden? 

Karen, Roxie and I in Walmart

This morning as I finished another VA doctors visit, I stopped at a Walmart to pick up shipping supplies. While I am the first to say I think Walmart has single handily done more to rip the economic heart out of this country, I will say I am a hypocrite and buy boxes/shipping tape at about one third of what I pay anywhere else.

As I was walking through the store, I couldn't help but remember the women walking with me I barely recognized. On one side was a woman from my past I called Karen. Karen was named after a middle school crush I had. To me a "crush" was wanting to be her. My Karen really blossomed in the 1980's. She did fairly well with the big hair, over sized sweaters worn with short skirts and flats. In fact, Karen gave me the courage I could present well enough in the world to get by as a cross dresser. But, essentially, I out grew her the more I searched for my "fit" in a feminine world. 

On the other side of me, came Roxie. As the name would lead you to believe, Roxie was much more adventurous than Karen. Roxie did a lot of crazy stuff in short skirts,heels and blond wigs. Many times "over the top" would be a kind description of her. In many ways Roxie was the antithesis of Karen in that she was too showy-especially for Walmart.

In fact, I tried to judge my "pass-ability" by heading for Walmart.  I never was the sharpest tack in the box and kept going back for more punishment from the hillbillies in this town.  After a while even I understood my long blond wig and black jump suit really fit in well in downtown Columbus and really bad at my local Walmart.

Fast forward to today. Basically, no one gave me a second look. As much as I wanted to break out my "happy dance"-the fact remained the place was nearly empty at that time in the morning (10 AM). On the other hand, my hard earned belief in myself as a trans woman plus the effects of HRT brought me to the point where I am today.

Roxie and Karen were smiling.