I've Got Someone for That

 

JJ Hart on Left, wife Liz on Right. 

Maybe you have seen the commercial on television where a group of men seemingly have an answer for a friend who can solve a certain problem. To a point, then they are all stumped on what to do.

I saw the commercial again this morning and applied it to my path to living a transgender existence. My basic idea was, I did not ever have someone to provide guidance in all my gender issues. In the pre-internet days, which I write about often, I needed to rely on publications such as “Transvestia” or “Tapestry” for any real information on having someone to help me understand what I was going through in my life. I was overjoyed for awhile when the magazines helped lead me to actually meeting in person others at cross-dresser-transgender mixers which were close enough to me so I could attend. Surely, (don’t call me Shirley my name was Karen back in those days) I could meet someone there who I could explain my gender issues to and feel as if I had someone to confide in and help me.

In reality, even after I went to the social mixers, I still did not come away with feeling like I had someone to be my friend. No matter how you defined what the publications called me. A transvestite or a cross-dresser, I just knew I was different and still belonged in the group of men in the commercial who were stumped on what to do. That defined the new groups I was meeting for the first time.

Since I could not find a friend at the mixers, I withdrew into myself and did the best I could cross-dressing and dreaming of a better day in front of the mirror. I was stubborn and kept on attending socials until I began to be invited to smaller parties at a house in nearby Columbus, Ohio. The parties were very diverse, and I learned a lot from the others around me and even developed acquaintances who shared my gender path. Or so I thought because a few of them took a sharp curve away from me and went as far as having gender realignment surgery. Back in those days when you took such a radical step, you were expected to leave your past totally behind and start all over again and I started to drift away from them. Very soon I was stumped again and very confused on where I was going as a transfeminine person.

The only thing I knew for certain was my sexuality did not change when I entered my feminine world. I even was attracted to the very few lesbians who were attending the parties I was going to, and often we would briefly leave to visit other lesbian friendly venues in Columbus. At least it was one small feeling I knew I could count on.

Through it all, I did have someone who was my second wife. On many of the party nights, she would accompany me which sometimes was bad and sometimes it was good. She was the one who saved me from being trapped in a small hallway by a huge admirer one night, which was good, and other nights her presence hindered my ability to expand and test my feminine personality. Sadly, I learned more about myself when she was not around as I considered her my best friend most of the time. She was not the person I needed all the time though, which created huge problems in our long-term relationship. She always knew I was a cross-dresser but drew the line if I drifted towards any of the transgender women at the party.   

At that point, I did feel like I did have someone who understood what I was going through at the party but had the feelings rejected at home. The worst part of the whole thing was, I had gone too far with my transfeminine experimentations to ever turn back but I tried to have the best of both worlds. Save my marriage on one hand and live a part time life as a trans woman on the other. I still carry the guilt coming from the number of times I broke my promise to my wife and left the house dressed when she was at work. I have always described it as cheating on her, with myself.

One way or another, I was gaining confidence in my feminine self to continue to build a new life which felt so natural because for a change I had someone to lean on. For those of you who don’t know, my second wife passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack leaving me with a huge hole in my life along with a truck load of guilt which I could never make up for.

In her sudden absence, I fell back on the only person I knew who could help me as I decided to end my male life for good and live out the remainder of my life as a trans woman. It turned out all the labor of love I put into my femininized life came back to help me because I had all the hard work of refining my presentation behind me. I had a working knowledge of what to do to survive in the world of alpha ciswomen. I just had to refine my new life to a point where I could thrive with new friends. When I had reached new milestones in my life such as HRT hormonal changes, I was met with welcome to our world and knowing smiles rather than masculine scowls and glares. I loved my new life.

The only problem I had was I took too long to transition across the male to female gender border. It turned out I had someone all along to help me if I ever gave her the chance. I was stuck in the good old boys’ male privilege club way too long and it was hard to give up. Once I found someone like my wife Liz to point out the obvious to me, I knew for sure I had that special someone and I could live an authentic life as a transgender woman.

 

Asleep at the Switch...a Gender Problem Unsolved

 

JJ Hart, Mystic Connecticut. 

I am seventy-six years old and totally admit throughout most of my life, I have been asleep while tending to my own gender switch.

I can easily make all the excuses about not having access to any gender information at all growing up, but the fact remains that it was all my own fault. Most certainly, I should have tried something to act upon solving my severe gender dysphoria. Starting most days, not knowing if I was going to be a boy or a girl should have been a huge red flag that sooner or later, I would have to throw my gender switch.

Maybe calling it a switch was my first mistake as my switch turned out to be a one-hundred-amp breaker which threatened to shut down all of my existence if turned off. There was nowhere to turn, and I ended up guarding the breaker as it controlled my existence. It wasn’t until the internet came along did I realize I had choices with my gender dysphoria and more importantly, there were others close to me dealing with the same problems. The only difference was that they did not seem to let on that they had a problem at all. Some were beautiful and effeminate, some were not, but all were making their way through a world I had only dreamed of.

All of you of a certain age may remember who I am talking about. “Virginia Prince” and her “Transvestia” opened up a whole new world for me as did the “Tapestry” publication. Through all of that exciting cross-dressing input came visits to nearby mixers and meeting other transvestites like me in person. Or so I thought so. What I really found was a group of people in various stages of throwing their gender switches. Some had already resorted to throwing a breaker on being a man at all and were preparing for gender realignment surgery and never turn back. Then there were the others who were still desperately hanging on to their fragile manhood by smoking cigars and trying to walk in heels in a dress and cowboy hat. All in the days before “Urban Cowboy” came along and made women in cowboy hats cool.

Through it all, once again I was lost. I did not know if I wanted to throw my switch and hang out with either group, so I stayed to my self as I more or less drifted to the effeminate group in the room. Especially those who continued the party after the mixer by going to a large lesbian dominated dance club. I did not dance but still wanted an opportunity to see if I could still fit in with any group, at all. Finally, I did when I was invited to much smaller diverse parties at an acquaintance’s home in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I was intrigued because I never knew who I was going to meet up with. From cross dresser admirers to the occasional lesbian, they were all there at one time or another. Including the impossibly feminine transsexuals who made an appearance too. Never knowing who I would meet helped me to determine which switch I would throw if I ever had the chance.

As time went on, my hand began to tremble as I reached for the big power breaker which I knew had the power to end life as I knew it. The potential was there to wipe out everything I had worked so hard as a man to accomplish. Throwing my life into a huge blackout.

Once I made it past the biggest mistake I was making, the darkness around my choice began to brighten somewhat. The mistake was I thought just appearing as a ciswoman would clear the path to my dream. When instead, it was just the beginning. To throw the big breaker and end my male life successfully, there would be so much more learning to do which went past just being accepted by the diverse groups I was meeting at the parties I was going to. I would have to sever my ties, hitch up my big girl panties and get out of the gay clubs and into the world.

One thing became increasingly certain as I did it, I could and would be able to leave my past behind and survive in an exciting but so scary new feminine world where I was able to compete successfully one on one with other ciswomen. Once my path head became clear, did I have the courage to follow my dream and live a transfeminine life I always had wanted to live. More importantly, I had fooled with my main breaker with the power on and had never got electrocuted.