Riding Two Horses While Trans

Jessie and Liz (right) from the
Jessie Hart Collection

 I should say trying to ride two horses at the same time. Since I have barely ridden any horses at all, I certainly couldn't attempt to ride two at the same time. What I have tried to do was live in two genders simultaneously. Or live two days a week in a feminine existence then finish out the week as a part time man. I took as many chances as I could to dress as a woman and attempt to present as well as I could in the public's eye. Being blunt, before I decided to go full time as a transgender woman and quit living as my false self as a man, the process nearly killed me. 

Overall, living in both of the primary genders was too much to take and it nearly tore me apart. As I lived I had to make a conscience effort to remember which gender I was. All in all, it was the complete throwback to my younger days when I woke up every morning wondering how I was going to make it another day trying to fit it and/or compete in a male world. Even though I was very bad at it, I somehow succeeded in convincing the other males around me I could compete to a certain level. Most certainly in those days I was not trying to ride two gender horses. 

It wasn't until much later in life, I was forced into the process. The better I became at being a woman, the harder it was to go back to my male self I detested so much. Especially when I began to learn all the nuances of how women interact between themselves. I found out the hard way when a passive aggressive compliment isn't a compliment at all. My favorite example comes from women complimenting me on my appearance as a man trying to appear as a woman. Or the occasional woman who would be smiling at me as she hid the knife behind her back waiting to cut me the entire time. The whole process was quite the experience. Exciting and terrifying at the same time.

I am sure there are rodeo acts somewhere with sexy cowboys riding two horses at once but I couldn't do it with my gender dysphoria. In addition to not really wanting to ride both genders, my male side at the time was quickly withering away and dying. Replacing him was an ever so vibrant inner woman waiting for her turn to live. The bad part was the worst male characteristics I had held on. Even if I had anyone to talk to concerning my gender issues, it was always easier to keep them bottled up. Even to the point of resorting to trying to escape through an alcoholic bottle. Deep down I hoped I could find the courage in a bottle to tell my friends what was really bothering me or later on give me the courage to go out and see if I could find a feminine existence as a transgender woman and live in it.   Even the alcohol didn't work and in fact the whole process led me to a deep despair which ultimately led me to self harm...again. As I looked back on my life, I squandered many chances I had given to me by being very self destructive. I am a firm believer I had a strong guardian angel looking over me. 

Riding two horses while trans didn't work for me. In fact it nearly killed me.

Transgender Night Out

Photo Courtesy 
Clifton Mill

 Long ago when I was increasingly exploring if I could indeed live in the public's eye as a feminine person, I made a decision. I decided to attempt to visit and even enjoy taking in the Christmas lights and atmosphere at a nearby restored grist mill at nearby Clifton, Ohio. Furthermore, I decided to visit for the first time as a woman, my authentic self. 

Of course, once I made my decision, I had to decide when I could do it and more importantly, what I would wear. As luck would have it, I had an evening off from work when my wife was working at the bookstore. The coast was clear (so to speak) for a night out as a woman enjoying the Christmas lights with perhaps even a hot chocolate to enjoy. The weather for the night turned out to be a benefit also. The evening was clear and frosty without being brutally cold. Ideal for a warm, soft, bulky sweater, leggings and boots. All of which I happened to have in my wardrobe since the items were indirectly approved by my wife. In fact, one year, she had even given me one of my favorite sweaters for Christmas. 

Finally, my night out was upon me and I neglected to say one of the biggest advantages I had was it was dark outside when I left. Harder for prying neighbors eyes to see me. I myself was satisfied with the way I was presenting myself as a woman. Transgender or not. As I always thought, confidence is always a woman's best accessory. When you have it, strangers will at the least read it in you. They will have a tendency to accept you more easily as your feminine self. 

Once I arrived at the mill, it was crowded and I had to walk. Luckily, my boots were casual and easy to walk in. With my shoulder length blond wig I felt encouraged I could present as a woman just out to enjoy the Christmas lights at the Mill. While I was there, I became so encouraged with the outcome of the evening, I decided to stop by the Mill's gift shop to see if I could pick up a gift for my wife while I was there. I didn't find anything special so I purchased a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. The young girl who served me didn't seem to pay me any extra attention so I went away encouraged with my evening.

As is the case with any special night, the entire evening seemed to go by in a flash and all too soon I had to return home and act like I had been there all night for my wife's benefit. If it was late my trick was to already be in bed so she couldn't detect any telltale signs of makeup I didn't remove.  She was always smarter than I was so I am sure she could usually tell what I was up to. Much to my chagrin now, I always caught got sooner or later. Most likely because deep down I wanted to. Evenings such as the one I spent looking at Christmas lights were enablers for me. The more I was successful in trying to live a feminine life the more natural I felt doing it. In many ways I was just living my truth leading me to ever increasing goals in my gender transition. Very quickly I found myself in other more exciting transitions when I was going from cross dresser to novice transgender woman. 

My Christmas night out just furthered my gender cause. The overall feeling of how I was able to approach the evening and succeed. Gave me the confidence to seek out other nights out which I will write about in other posts.

Trans Girl in an Antique Mall

Image from Christelle Bourgeois
On UnSplash

As I mentioned in my previous post, there was much more going on as I was searching out the perfect Christmas present for my second wife who is now deceased. After haunting a few regional antique malls for "treasures", I decided I could go it alone and surprise her with an ideal garden themed gift. First of all, I would like to explain what an antique mall is to those of you who may not be familiar. In our region of the US, antique malls are large to enormous buildings along or near major interstate highways. They are not to be confused with flea markets as most are full of quality antiques from many diverse dealers. Big and small. 

Before I sat out on my own to look for my gifts, I need to point out also I was the ultimate Christmas shopping procrastinator.  Literally, more times than I would care to admit I was the last hurried shopper on Christmas eve before the mall closed. But since I enjoyed the leisurely pace of wondering through a maze of terrific antiques, I always did my best to try to gain a head start on my shopping. Cross dressing and experiencing the process as my authentic feminine self just added to the pleasure. For the day or days I was planning to shop of course I needed to dress to blend and be comfortable, since I was going to have to do quite a bit of walking. So bulky sweaters, jeans and boots were the perfect outfits to fight off the December Ohio chill. Other than the wonderful selections to choose from, there was the problem of finances since many of the vintage garden items I was in the market for were quite expensive. 

Other than costs, the positives of the venues far outweighed the negatives. First of all, my chances were good for finding her that one of kind garden gift such as a vintage seed box from an old hardware store. They were rare and expensive but every now and then I could find one in my price category.  I was fond of referring to my shopping as garden binging as I slowly savored the feel of my feminine clothes as I made my way through the mall. I liked it to because of the laid back atmosphere. Except for the occasional floor clerk who would ask me if he or she could help me, I was rarely approached. I never had a negative response so I must have been doing fairly well in the presentation department. I know I felt confident as I shopped and the number of wonderful mirrors I happened to encounter told me I was doing fine. Back in those days at the least, I needed as much assurance as I could get when I saw my feminine reflection in an antique mirror. This was during the time when I was stuck between being a cross dresser and strongly considering if I could refer to myself as transgender and look at living my life fulltime as a transgender woman. 

The best part was I was able to spend the biggest part of the day as my feminine self, before my wife made it home and I had to be returned to my rapidly disappearing male self. I think now she could see through my gender charade and was waiting for the next foot to fall. But, in the meantime, I was able to find, hide and wrap more than a few wonderful Christmas gifts for her. Who knows, may be it was just my guilty conscience coming through when I went so far out of my way to seek out the perfect gift. After all, it was me who held the key to destroy our relationship by wanting to be a woman. 

In the meantime, I was able to learn from my antique mall experiences. I was able to step away from my usual regular clothing store/mall life and see if I could make it in the real world, perhaps even owning my own small vintage shop. In a different way later I was able to accomplish selling vintage items on on-line sites. In fact I was able to keep myself above water financially for quite a while. Mainly by selling the best gifts I had purchased for my wife before her death. It was the final chapter in many ways of our life together. I often wonder what it would have been like for her to join me in antique mall shopping.

Trans Christmas Shopping

Image Courtesy Waldemar Brandt
on Unsplash 

In reality,  all of this experience happened when I was primarily still a cross dresser still exploring advancing myself into the novice transgender category. Of course this is all important if you are into any sort of LGBT labels. I use them to further explain where I was on my long gender path.

Back in those days I was nearly at the maximum income  I would ever make. I had the spendable income which enabled me to spend money on nice gifts for my second wife who was really into Christmas. Traditionally I was a late shopper and would wait until the last minute to buy her the gifts I wanted. Along the way also I discovered I really enjoyed shopping for her when I was dressed as a woman. I would go to very upscale malls dressed to blend with the rest of the shoppers which allowed me to often wear my favorite black pants suit, along with my black flats and blond shoulder length wig. My outfit gave me the all important courage to move out of my closet and into the feminine world. 

One mall in particular was in Columbus, Ohio and featured an upscale garden store I was interested in. Among her other interests, my wife was very much a gardener. so it was a wonderful place to find her a special gift. I was always treated with respect there most likely because my money was green. Other places I went included green houses, antique malls and even a few oak furniture stores for gifts. Fortunately, since my wife worked in the retail book business, she was working many hours which allowed me to enter my feminine world and shop for her. I could knock out two major desires at one time. The desire to find her the perfect gifts as well as satisfy my new and wonderful desire to interact in public as a woman. 

One night in particular, both worlds came together spectacularly...almost. Over the years, I had tried to purchase my wife various oak furniture pieces for her living room including a large roll top desk with matching file cabinets. On the night in question, I just happened to stop by a store in Columbus to see if they had any matching oak pieces I could buy for my wife. By accident I found the perfect glass book case which matched her other oak pieces perfectly. The problem was here I was in my wig and pant's suit wondering how I was going to move my gift to our truck. Mentally I was still in male mode thinking I had to do everything physically myself. I was proven wrong when I made my purchase and found I didn't have to lift a finger. The store owner summoned two young guys to move the book case to my truck and even finished off with a big thank you Miss. I thought wow! I could get used to this. 

Once I arrived back home, it was a fairly simple task to slide it out of the back of the truck into the garage once I begrudgingly returned to my old unwanted male self. On Christmas Eve, the bookcase was a huge hit. Overall the entire experience made Christmas shopping so much more enjoyable for me. I could completely look for the special gift while expressing my desire to live a feminine life . I loved it! As we will get into in another post.  

It's Nice to be Wanted

 

Remembering Warmer Days!
From the Jessie Hart Collection

It is especially nice to be wanted during the holidays as an transgender person. Yesterday my wife Liz and I went to her circle's celebration of Yule. Being a special gathering I was invited since I am not a full member. The circle is heavily LGBTQ involved and actually the leader was our officiant at our wedding. Fortunately I found once of the guests was an excellent pastry chef of sorts and brought two trays of his home made cookies to sample. I am a huge lover of peanut butter cookies and the ones he brought were among the best I have ever sampled. 

The host also has two dogs which were very friendly and I felt again how much I missed not having a dog since both of ours passed away. Perhaps after we get our living arrangements straightened out, we can go to the animal shelter and pick out another dog to spoil. 

Since most of you already know my experience of being banned from attending what was left of our families holiday gatherings by my spineless brother who refused to stand up for me when I came out as transgender to him over a decade ago. I bluntly asked him if I was still invited and he just as bluntly told me no. So that was the last time we spoke. His in laws are very conservative bigots and I think he was afraid to face them with anything to do with me wanting to live as my authentic feminine self. I always felt if he and my sister in law were that shallow, I didn't need them anyhow and it turns out I didn't. I was fortunate, I fell into having an extended family which was far more cohesive than anything I had known in the past.

First of all, through my entire MtF transgender transition, my daughter stood by me and even embraced the change. So at least I had some remaining blood relation which supported me.  What I didn't anticipate was the amount of support I received from my daughter's in laws. Their support was nothing short of amazing to me. I was invited to any or all family functions as if nothing had changed. To add to that, Liz's ultra conservative late father even came to a begrudging support of me. So, all in all I came out of the holiday process in a better space than when I went in. It was nice to be wanted.

I should point out also, the group yesterday at the Yule ceremony the other Gay and Lesbian people there went through being ostracized from their families also. Thus, the group was more giving and happy when gifts were exchanged. The whole celebration felt to me as if I had found s new home. These days with the increasing number of LGBTQ centers around the country and cohesive social media contacts, it is very possible to locate other non-blood family replacements to attempt to sooth the pain of having no family for the holidays.

I hope through the holidays ( it is hard to believe Christmas is almost here!) you have some sort of family to replace the one so many of us have lost in the transgender community.

Transgender Winners

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection 

Is there such a thing as a transgender winner? We go through such trauma to achieve our goals to live as our authentic feminine selves. I know I wouldn't wish portions of my life when I tried ill advised cross dressing exploits on anyone. The amount of times I was laughed at, stared at and overall just rejected as a human being was ridiculous. I learned the hard way and relied on my experiences to propel me further on my journey.

When I first started my journeys into the feminine world, my wins were rare but very appreciated. I remember those rare times when I was treated as a woman. Very early I thought I fooled the public before I realized I was just fooling myself. I was always meant to be that way. My feminine inner soul was just expressing herself when I finally allowed her to. Anytime a man opened a door for me, I viewed the act as one of the rare privileges women have. After all how could  anyone mistake opening a door as a courtesy while at the same time I being viewed as the gender with a lesser overall intelligence. I took a small win as a win and moved on.

Probably the biggest win I was able to achieve was when I learned to exist in the world with other women. To look them straight in the eye and attempt to read their feelings about me. I discovered several layers of acceptance existed. The ones who didn't seem to care at all were the biggest group of all. Followed by those who knew I was new in their gender world and wanted to help. Finally, there were the ones who viewed me with disgust which I learned to project their nasty attitude right back at them. I learned to feel sorry for their miserable lives and move on because I also learned I wasn't put on this earth to change anyone's feelings. If I did, well, that was a win!

Even though wins were rare in my transgender universe, I used them as positive fuel to continue to move my feminine dreams forward. For every negative, suddenly I was able to add a number of positives. Proving to myself perhaps I could win and live a successful life as a transgender woman. I can't tell you enough how far away the trans dream was. With a lot of work and a lot of help, I was able to win and be a transgender winner. One award in my life I am quite humble about. 

Knocked off Another Pedestal

Image from Deva Williamson
on Unsplash

 Recently I participated in a Veterans Administration survey. It primarily revolved my treatment at VA facilities as well as background on my life as a transgender woman. Included within the survey were heavy questions on had I attempted any surgical gender intervention, as well as treatment I had personally received as various VA facilities. As I have said many times, following a very slow and unsure start my treatment has evolved to a positive experience.  

Long ago, I decided at my age, I would decline any and all gender surgeries including facial feminization, breast augmentation all the way to genital realignment surgery. In other words, I decided the numerous and welcome changes I experienced through hormone replacement therapy would be sufficient. My thought pattern was and is my gender is a highly personal matter and was decided by what was between my ears and not my legs. It didn't hurt either the only surgery I had ever undergone was to have my tonsils removed. Who was I to attempt to question success. My rule of thumb was to not undergo any or all unneeded pain. Such as elective gender surgeries.

Overtime I built up a bias towards those who viewed me as less transgender than they were since I have not gone under the surgical knife. While I still think the "transer than thou" ideas of certain post GRS persons is completely unfounded, I understand why some of the younger trans individuals would desire the surgery more than others. An example would be at the age of seventy three, my life is at a point where I am secure where I am currently at as far as my life as a fulltime transgender woman. Again, I don't see surgery giving me any sort of improvement.

The more I thought about the surgical questions in the survey, I put myself in the place of a much younger transgender person. Throughout my younger years, lack of insurance support and financial considerations would very much stop any idea of gender surgical intervention. These days though, there are more and more ways to finance surgery. Even the VA was asking in their survey. Perhaps most importantly there are more and more surgeons who can do a quality GRS and not mutilate their patient. After all, no matter how you cut it (pun intended) genital realignment surgery is a major operation. Major or not, if I was a young transgender person looking ahead at life. If I was in their shoes, I would desire any benefit I could get to live my life as happily as I could. 

Luckily when I fell off my pedestal, I didn't hurt myself. Plus I realize also many older transgender adults go through GRS for any number of reasons. I'm sure many see the surgery as a natural progression in their gender lives. Sadly our trans community puts too many up on their own pedestals as they try to find a way to look down on others. It's a human condition.      

Holiday Errands

It is time to venture out into the world at large and run several errands with my wife Liz. 

Since she is

Photo from Jack Dylag
on Unsplash

now on her near to end of year vacation from work she has something close to eleven days off. As Liz is used to doing, she normally uses the time to push together everything we need to do.

The one thing I don't think she ever understands is how the simplest of errands can affect me. On occasion, just thinking of facing the public can set off my gender dysphoria. Even though it probably has been over a decade since I have been confronted concerning my gender, I still have flashbacks to the days when I was laughed at or questioned. My fear is with the current trend of anti-LGBTQ feelings I may be centered out for negative attention. 

Our first stop will be to a big box store which happens to have the best prices on the cat food our feline critters eat. I imagine they will be fairly crowded with holiday shoppers too involved in their own shopping to worry about me. Also, since my handicapped placard has not arrived back from the state of Ohio yet, the amount of walking I hope doesn't bother me much. Perhaps if I am quick about it, I can sneak a peek at the stores selection of holiday sweaters. 

From there it is off to the grocery store where I have never had a problem before. So I don't anticipate any issues this time. Certainly nothing exciting, except shopping for munchie ideas for the holidays. New Years Eve is out this year because this year the semi final national football playoffs are scheduled and The Ohio State Buckeyes are playing the Georgia Bulldogs in the late game. We are huge fans and will be in front of the television. 

Along the way today also, I may talk Liz into stopping for a light lunch depending what time and how hectic the day becomes because we most likely will make another stop at the pharmacy also.  

As far as what I am going to wear, I already have chosen my charcoal gray cable knit sweater for warmth and I am pairing it with my navy blue leggings and faux fur boots. The outfit should be warm enough for comfort along with showing off my developing hips. Plus at the same time be comfortable and not attract attention. From that point forward, an application of light makeup and brushing out my hair and I should be as ready as I ever will be to face the world. 

I just don't understand why after all these years I still have to put up with all my gender dysphoric doubts. I keep telling myself all the success I have had as my feminine self in the world after all theses should mean something. It does until I look in the mirror and all the old doubts come rushing in.  

Transgender Life

Often I am amused when less than knowledgeable individuals or transphobes say we transgender women or trans men had a choice of transitioning our gender. Those of us who are in the middle of traveling a gender transition path know our decision was never a choice. Many times the whole process is a matter of life and death as is proven by the extremely high suicide rate in the transgender community.  

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Using my own gender path as an example, I can easily highlight the highs and lows of the journey. Highs included the times I tried and succeeded in breaking out of my own very dark gender closet. Early on, I was excited when I was accepted and even helped by clerks in clothing stores. Soon I learned most of the clerks were just doing their jobs and went out of their way to sell me something. From there I went on to seeing if I could present well enough as a woman to easily be able to prowl the malls around me looking for the occasional bargain. When the malls started to become mundane and boring, I decided to step up my journey by stopping different places to eat lunch. What I didn't realize was, how going face to face with servers and hostesses would expand my need to establish a real live feminine personality. As I climbed my gender affirmation staircase, for the most part I had more successes than failures when I learned how to dress to blend with the rest of the women around me. The less attention I created the better. 

When I was successful, there was nothing better in my transgender life. Even before I really knew what the term transgender was all about and how it fit in with me. On the other hand, when the lows set in, they were really low. I still remember vividly the nights I was laughed at and literally went home crying. Slowly but surely I recovered and re-committed myself to the goal of being able to present as a woman to the public without being stared at and ridiculed. Once I went through going back to the drawing board as many times as I did, I finally made it to a point where I had the confidence to go out as a transgender woman and exist in my own little world. Little did I know, my own little world would not stay little very long. My new and improved transgender life proved to provide the force to propel me forward. Sadly, the force was sending me straight on a collision course with my life as a man. 

Predictably as I was trying desperately to live parts of my life as a man and then as a woman, something would have to give. That something was my own mental health as I stepped up my attempts to sneak out behind my wife's back as the woman she disliked so much. The more I was successful doing it, ironically the more depressed I became. Leading me to a suicide attempt following a fight in which I was caught out in public by my wife. As with any other suicide attempt, I saw no other way out. 

Luckily I wasn't any good at self harm and the bottle of pills I took wouldn't have killed me anyway I found out later. Life is but a circle and if we are fortunate enough to live long enough to find out the bad times can reverse and become the good times. Most certainly a transgender life can be fulfilling if we are given a fair shot of being able to live it.