More "Scratching the Surface"

After reading comments from me and readers like Connie, you might think the confidence we share comes naturally...but the opposite is true:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEFebruary 2, 2018 at 2:12 PM

Early picture. Blond in sunglassess.

I, like many of us, spent a lot of time dressed up in front of a mirror all alone. I was always, and still am, my own biggest critic. There's not much that another person could say or do to me that I haven't already imagined and run through in my mind. I have been studying my own dichotomy for so many years that I am conditioned to see both sides of just about everything else in the world. That's why I can, more often than not, come up with a witty retort to another's words or actions. I've found that to be more disarming and effective when dealing with bullies; turning their own words or actions around can twist them to their knees. To argue with them or to say some random mean thing back only serves to escalate, and showing weakness by expressing the hurt only gives them permission to continue. Short of that, or when the right words don't come immediately, I have learned that I can - and have the right to - keep my head held high and walk away from the situation.

Of course, there have been many times, after an unpleasant incident, when I've cried my way home, alone in the car. I must also say that I don't do that nearly as often these days.

It's been said that one monkey don't stop the show, but I've found that making a show of the monkey can stop the monkey. This is my show - the one I had kept under wraps for way too many years. I have no time to waste on the monkeys of the world, yet I am prepared to come across one of them at any given time."

I too can not count the amount of tears I have shed over the years. What gets to me is when I am off in my own little world (which is warm and fuzzy) and someone comes barging into shatter it. That's when I get taken by surprise to the point of not having a good or great retort.

These days, I have decided to not have the problem and keep the cruel world out...when I can. Being in the LGBT transgender tribe is tough though, as we know.

Living in a Woman's World

Yesterday, I spent an hour plus talking to a friend's sibling who was struggling with questions as to coming out as a transgender woman.

Along the way of course, she asked what my definition of a cross dresser versus a transgender woman is. You Cyrsti's Condo regulars know I feel the difference is a cross dresser wants to look like a woman, while a trans woman wants to be a woman.

From there, my new friend said she probably belonged in the transgender category.

As the conversation continued, we crossed into the area of sexuality. I said, I wasn't really attracted to men, but had dated a few...with no substantial results. On the other hand, she seemed to be attracted to men...which is absolutely fine.

Old Halloween Picture with Cis Friend

I did tell her to see if she could tell if her attraction was real, or simply a mode of validation. I used to be a believer being on a man's arm was the fool proof method of passing in the world as a woman.

Again (as many of you know), as I transitioned, my first three strong friends, and later my partner of seven years, all just happened to be cis woman lesbians. So, I didn't really have to worry what most men thought of me, since I didn't need them anymore for my validation as a trans girl.

All in all, the hour and ten minute conversation turned out to be a really educational experience for me, as I mostly just sat back and listened. I only really reacted when asked a question.

It was good to help and by the way, from her pictures, she is a Mtf transition natural.

I Made It

The "night out" went OK. The place was packed to start with with mainly a big party of millennials. However the overall mix of people was pretty evenly mixed.

As we came in and waited for the hostess to try to find our party, I did get a few looks, but nothing out of the ordinary.

We finally found our group and settled in. For once I didn't say anything real stupid and got a picture.

To the left, you will see Liz and I with Jill. I was geeking all over her because she is a retired train engineer. I am a huge train fan.

Liz somehow came out looking like a ghost, much to her chagrin. She has a pale complexion anyhow and the lighting made her look like a witch...which she is anyhow. :)

Some of the group even "sang" Karaoke. All I can say is they are much braver than I!

Although Liz and I had to leave fairly early, everyone in the group seemed to conduct themselves in a proper manner. I was pleased! 

The "Good Doctor" Gets a Lesson

From TV Guide:

"The Good Doctor's star physician is going to be a bit perplexed when he encounters his first transgender patient in Monday's episode. For Shaun (Freddie Highmore), who likes exact scientific definitions, it's difficult to understand the full spectrum of gender identity when he had been raised to think of it as a binary.

Over the course of the episode though, the patient, Quinn, will teach Shaun a thing or two about being misunderstood, and he'll see that the two of them have more in common than he thought. So many people try to put Shaun in a box, but when Quinn explains that she's only ever been able to be herself, something clicks deep within Shaun.

While this new perspective will be a healthy thing for Shaun, he's still going to ask some cringeworthy questions along the way as he tries to understand Quinn better. Luckily, the young patient is pretty wise and is ready to swing curveballs back."

The "Good Doctor" is on Mondays at 10:00PM EST on ABC.  Follow the links above for more.

Social Girl?

Well, tonight, Liz is going with me to the cross dresser - transgender social get together. I hope it goes well for her especially. She actually is more forgiving than I am in many situations, so I am sure all will go well.

I even have a new sweater to wear with leggings and boots. It's a cream colored hip hugging turtle neck with just a bit of sparkle to give it some pizzazz. The group's "social director" always comes early to get it set up and volunteered to meet anyone in the parking lot, who was a little afraid (or really afraid) to come in alone.

The offer brought back remembrances of my past, when I would have taken someone up on such an offer.

Liz and I plan on eating and having a drink, but are coming early. So, I doubt if we will see the whole group. Or, stay long enough to see if anyone embarrasses themselves.

I will let you know here in Cyrsti's Condo.

The "Dating Pool"

I think it is so terrible we transgender women aren't given a fair shake when it comes to dating. After all, we have so much more to offer the typical cis man. I know years ago I could come up with a number of points, but as my memory serves me today, I can only come up with a couple of the most major ones.

Most importantly, I think, trans women like to be more traditional than cis women do these days. Plus transgender women have a tendency to have a deeper appreciation of the same subjects as men like.

For example, back in the day, I was very enamoured with a big teddy bear of a guy who rode a very nice classic "Indian" motorcycle. As I look back, if I was able to have grown out my hair, I may have tried to flirt my way into a ride. As it was though, I was able to understand on a deeper level, his feelings for his motorcycle. As destiny would have it, he got transferred to a different location and I never saw him again.

Along the way, I did have a couple other men who I went out with whom I really liked. Again, they weren't local and moved away. From then on, cis women were the answer for me and the men I continued to encounter were less than stable.

Let's check in with Paula Goodwin for her ideas:

"Sound advise, I suspect that most of us have found ourselves in "unfortunate" situations my few attempts at dating led me to the conclusion that I was fishing in a very limited gene pool; and that all the men (with one exception, but he turned out not to be available) I met were creeps only after one thing. Strangely the longer I am on HRT the less that matters,~~~ but I would like some male companionship."

And, from Connie:

"I think that the dating process may be the same in one way, although it is made different by the type of "suitors" a trans girl may be more apt to attract. We can go around declaring that gender is between the ears and sex is between the legs all day, but the truth is that, for men especially, there is an awful lot of sex going on between the ears, too. As trans women, we are seen to be attractive by others whose minds may be swirling with ideas of sex much different than our own. 

I may be old-fashioned, and even a bit of a prude, but I am not naive. I'll admit to allowing a man to go too far with his advances toward me - to the point, I imagine, he thought he had been given permission by me to use me any way he wished. I was a young 50-something trans woman at the time; not really young, but new at being an out trans woman. I was flattered by the attention, but I had no interest in a sexual encounter with this man, or any man. 

The privilege any woman should have is to have NO taken for an answer, but this can definitely not be an assumption. Whatever her reason for wanting to end the pursuit of her, a woman should be prepared to make her NO be clear and final. Before doing so may require physical means or the defensive tactics of pepper spray, though, a woman needs to learn to read the signs beforehand. A trans woman also needs to learn a few other signs than does a cis woman, I believe."

Thanks to both of you for your ideas!

Scratching the Surface

Under the facade I carry around with me daily, comes the worry someone, someday will "bust my bubble" and ruin it all.

Probably though, what is more likely to happen is someone will want to question me about being transgender. Although, it hasn't happened for years. I suppose my insecurities go back to all the days when I was cross dressing and the comments I received. Most because I deserved it for some ill conceived outfit the mirror told me was lovely.

Along the way, as I acquired my own sense of being and style, I did settle into a basic confidence which allowed me to navigate the feminine world.

I really wonder what would happen some time if I do run into a smart arse comment. I wonder if I could be as quick as Connie's retort (in the last Cyrsti's Condo post...Take That Bitches).

And, I'm not the only one. Check out this comment from Tanit:

Tanit RichardsFebruary 1, 2018 at 9:37 PM

"All I can say about this jaw-dropping story is that I would DIE if those idiots did that to me. I would never associate with them in ANY way, shape or form after that since I am not a person that could ever get over a "prank" of this caliber. OMG - the thoughtlessness of it! Good on you for taking it like a "man" though, I couldn't... Hugs,

Tanit"

Thanks for the comment Tanit. I have been known to be more than a bit cynical during my life but I would hope (from the amont of time I have known her) Connie and I are mainly on the same page...no pun intended. I wouldn't want to instigate a verbal sparring with her.

Or more precisely, it wouldn't happen because we are on the same level of transition. I don't mean that negatively. As all of you probably know, as you go through life, trans or not, there are different things that bother you. Take my hair for example. I know my long hair is very age inappropriate for a woman of my age. But I know I have waited all my life to grow it and I was fortunate it did to the extent which has happened. Plus, I feel in the absence of a real high quality wig, growing out my own hair was the one biggest step for me personally being able to negotiate the feminine world. 

In the meantime, we all have our transgender crutches to carry around, and sometimes they get quite heavy. 

Take That!...Bitches!

From Connie, concerning rest room usage and a fun story:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 30, 2018 at 1:16 PM

The transgender/cross dresser group here in Seattle has bylaws that must be agreed to in order to join. The largest section of those bylaws is dedicated to proper ladies room behavior. I can only imagine this to be so because of specific incidents that had occurred over time. The fact that these rules are so specific in regard to "no brainer" behaviors has always been disturbing to me. I also imagine that alcohol was a factor in many of these incidents, but that certainly does not excuse them. Bylaws often don't mean a thing to one who is pumped up with alcohol, however.

The first time I went out with this group (about ten years ago) was also the first time I'd ever gone into any public establishment. My reluctance to use the ladies room for the first time had me reluctant to use it along with anyone else, as well (including, if not especially, anyone in the group I was with). While I was sitting safely in the stall, one of the members bought off a female server to walk into the ladies room and yell out, "Hey, there's a man in the ladies room!" I recognized it immediately as a prank, and I re-entered the main room with my head held high and walked confidently back to the table. Of course, the group was laughing and applauding, but I did not let it phase me. As I took my seat, I said, "I knew that there were no men in the ladies room because none of you were with me there."

Bullying can come from even the most unexpected people. I wrote this off as a sophomoric initiation prank to a "sorority" that I quickly learned I did not want to belong. Not only did I not want to belong, I simply did not belong at all. If nothing else, that experience confirmed what I had begun to understand about myself - that I was not merely a man in a dress.

I could have qualified that last statement with "not that there is anything wrong with that." Sometimes there is something wrong with that, however. Bad behavior has nothing to do with gender identity in any form."

I too really don't like the "team potty" effort, unless it is with Liz in a situation which I consider to be "iffy"! Otherwise I will "do it" on my own. Thanks for the comment.

A Transgender Actress Returns

From TV Guide: (no, not transvestite!)

"Grey's Anatomy may be an old show, but it's still on the cutting edge for telling trans stories on primetime network TV.

ABC's medical drama is bringing on Transparent actress Candis Cayne for a multi-episode arc as a patient who comes to Grey Sloan for a "groundbreaking" vaginoplasty surgery, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The storyline is based on a true story about a trans woman named Hayley Anthony who helped Jess Ting, the director of surgery at the Center for Transgender Medicine and Surgery at Mount Sinai, design a new vaginoplasty procedure.

Candis Cayne

In 2007, Cayne became the first trans actress to play a recurring trans character in primetime on ABC's Dirty Sexy Money. She's also appeared on The Magicians and Nip/Tuck.

Grey's Anatomy has been working to improve trans representation on TV in Season 14. This season has a new character, intern Dr. Casey Parker (Alex Blue Davis), who debuted in October and recently came out as a transgender man. The show has received praise for how Casey's gender identity is not treated as the most important part of his character and how many of his storylines have nothing to do with being trans."