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| JJ Hart at Trans Ohio. |
Overtime, I was rarely successful as a boy and just put in
the amount of effort to get by. The only thing I was moderately successful on
was hustling on my newspaper route and doing extra chores around the house to
make extra money. Which in turn, I used to buy my own feminine articles such as
makeup, and pantyhose for when I was able to shave my legs. Overall, my plan
worked and eventually I was able to build up my own collection of
cross-dressing essentials. As I discovered I could get away with shopping at a
couple of small local department stores for everything I needed to shatter my dream
of doing it and stepping into my own form of reality.
The older I got, the more I did not grow out of my
cross-dressing gender desires. In fact, I grew into them when the world became
more and more accessible to me. I was building an increasing sense of confidence in my new
self and going out briefly into the world as a novice when the Vietnam War and
the persistent military draft caught up with me. For the first time in my life,
I could not daydream of something as major as a war going away. It was as real
as my draft card. Which I resented having because none of the ciswomen around
me needed one. Why should I be forced into an unfair war when they were not was
what fueled my resentment. A resentment which just made me feel worse as I
wasted my time worrying about the war which was staring at me in the face.
To make matters even worse was the fact my fiancé who knew I
was a cross-dresser told me we would break up unless I told the draft board I
was gay. Which, there was no way that was going to happen, so we did end our
relationship just before I headed out to Ft. Knox, Kentucky for Army basic
infantry training. Even though I fought military service as long as I could, in
many ways it did me good because I needed to stay in the present most of the
time when I was going through basic. If I was not, I would feel the wrath of
the drill sergeants which was not a place I wanted to be. I guess you could say,
I was going through a whole different basic training by teaching me to stay in
the present.
After I had served my time, I tried my best to pick up where
I left off by trying to join the world as a transgender woman. A new life was
just starting to come to me with the realization I was much more than a part-time
cross-dresser and needed to experience more of a woman’s life to satisfy me. Change
was upon me with the birth of my daughter and a new wonderful world of mall shopping
experiences to explore. After a rough start, I was able to present well enough
to enjoy being out in the world. In other words, the teenaged girls who made me
a target suddenly left me alone. The rest of the mall time was easy because I
discovered that my money was green and that was more important to the store
clerks who waited on me than my potential gender.
Eventually, more reality than daydreaming set in with my
life. I was becoming so successful in carving out a new transfeminine life I
knew that I had gone too far to ever turn around on my gender path to ever go
back. Sure, I was scared but a voice in the back of my head kept telling me
this was so natural that my new world deserved to be the reality I always
sought and I needed to stay in the present to do it.
I discovered as a transgender woman, the present was a very
great place to be. For once, I had access to the gender I wanted to be with which
were all the ciswomen who showed interest in what I was trying to do in their
world. I had always had a difficult time making friends with other men when I
was acting like one and I finally figured out why…I should not have been in the
boys’ club to begin with. Living a lie was a total mistake which should never
have happened. I was not interested in a club where I never belonged, and that
was OK.
Old habits are hard to break, and maybe even more so for
transgender women and transgender men. Primarily because we have to decide what
baggage we are taking with us or leaving behind as we journey along our gender
journey paths. Bring too much, and you can’t carry it all or don’t bring enough
and end up losing all of your building blocks you need for a new life are all
things to consider. And most of all, it is important you stay in the present,
so you don’t forget where and who you are and slide back into your old self. It
is frustrating when something as small as the look on your face can destroy all
that you have worked so hard to perfect. That old male “stay away” scowl may
have worked in your old world but in your present one, it certainly doesn’t.
It was difficult for me to find my present. Determine if it
was the right choice and then stick with it. As I went through my male to
female feminization efforts, I needed to finally decide on a wig to wear on a
regular basis and quit looking for the miracle wig which would instantly make
me attractive. Why? Because people were starting to recognize me as a person, and
I needed to build on that. Instead of just carving a new person, I was blasting
one and having the time of my life doing it.
I just wish I could have stayed in the present earlier in my
life, which I know would have given a better understanding of who I was at the
time. I almost did more after I served my time in the Army, but it was in the
mid 1970’s and the world was different, and I did not have the courage to do
it. Instead, I played my status-quo cards and thought I could help my life
along by just cross-dressing. By doing so, I just ended up losing so much of my
life when I ignored living in the present. One way or another, it is much too late
to cry over time that was wasted and remember the good time when I discovered
my present and lived it.
Thanks for reading along with me. Hopefully my insights can
help you with yours and comments are appreciated.
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