To Be ...or Not To Be

There are two huge questions we face as we go through the "stages of MtF gender transition."

One of which is the pesky "passing" question. If you go back through all the very old Cyrsti's Condo's posts you may notice an inordinate amount of them have to do with how I looked. Over time though, I became less and less obsessed  and more concerned with how I felt. In addition, you probably noticed, many of the pictures I use are dated.

Connie noticed: (Thanks!)

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 20, 2017 at 11:12 AM

"You forgot to take a selfie?!? Now, that marks a point of transition. It's a long way from being obsessed with taking selfies, anyway. Although I have never been one for taking selfies, it seems to be a pretty popular thing to do within the trans community, especially among the cross dressing faction."

I think there is a certain sense of pride in all the work it takes to transform one's self from a man to a woman for a selfie at least, and rightfully so. The problem becomes when you  have to take the selfie out into the public's eye and deal with reality. I remember all the times the mirror told me I looked devastatingly good, just to be totally devastated when I would be immediately busted. It's impossible for a picture to hold up a standard when you add in all the angles and movement of real life.

Over time though, I personally was fortunate enough to be able to grow out my own hair enough to do away with wigs and gain enough confidence from it to move forward in my transition to another stage. I am aware too, a cross dresser or transgender woman can do the same with a quality wig/hair piece.  

The end result of course is how confident you feel and if a picture helps, why not? 

Often, to be...or not to be is just in the eyes of another anyhow.

I believe now I have crossed into another stage of transition where much of the public automatically views me as a woman and it is up to me to screw it up from there. Which is the topic of another upcoming blog post here in Cyrsti's Condo and answer the second question.

The Everyday Life of an Everyday Transgender Blogger

When I embarked on writing Cyrsti's Condo some five plus years ago (thanks to Connie) I barely knew what a blog was, let alone write one. Then I found out how many bloggers don't post everyday.

Early in the process, writing everyday was a challenge (yes), but on the other hand, a much easier one in that the whole process was so bright, shiny and new. In my pet "levels of transition" the first big level of stepping out into the world as a real live trans woman.

Echoing my sentiment in many ways is fellow blogger Paula Goodwin: Paula GoodwinDecember 19, 2017 at 6:57 AM

"As things progress it does become very difficult to find things to write about, when I started Paula's Place each outing was worth at least four posts, as I planed my outfit, my route and everything else down to the smallest detail to avoid any risk, then I could usually mange at least a couple of posts, on what I did, how I felt and what people's reactions were.

Now it's just everyday life!

I have found that the Blog is now much less Trans or Clothes related than it used to be, it is just about me, my opinions, experiences, and my ideas. Writing a daily Blog is tough! and a big commitment."

I can't agree more Paula about your overall comment, especially the part of this level of transition is when life becomes essentially "ho-hum" I am finally living my dream as a transgender woman. I too, struggle to write about clothes as much as I did. 

It's a good problem to have! 

"Trans Trippin Bout 'Nuttin"

As previously mentioned here in Cyrsti's Condo, I spent most of my day yesterday traveling the one hundred mile trip to attend one of my transgender veteran support group.

I wore dark gray leggings which closely matched my charcoal boots with my new dark forest green fuzzy sweater with the lace inserts. I paired it all with a pair of rose gold hoop earrings and one of the hand knitted beige scarves which Liz made for me...plus my black leather hip length jacket. I was trying to remember to get a selfie, but yesterday was so screwed I forgot.

As far as the sparsely attended meeting went, I ended up speaking about a specialty wig shop in Dayton, Ohio and my theory about the different levels of MtF gender transition. Nothing too exciting.

I ended up packing some items I need to sell from my warehouse I am closing in Springfield (Ohio) and a load of trash. So, the day was overall less than a glamorous excursion.

Such is life as a full-time transgender woman.

Monday Blues?

This is another one of those days when my Cyrsti's Condo's blog ideas are difficult to come by. After all, you have probably noticed, I have relied heavily on the creativity of regular readers'comments to provide quality content.

I have even written about going stealth as a transgender woman.

It's also difficult to write about every time I go out as a trans woman, because I am living 24/7. Our weekly shopping trip to the grocery store yesterday was predictably boring. Except the cash out girl who gave me the "princess" look when I balked at helping to bag the groceries. Liz would have killed me! I suppose I should be happy she thought enough of me to fire off the powerful woman to woman non verbal communication.

So, let's jump ahead. Tomorrow, I am going to another transgender or even LGBT support group meeting in Dayton, Ohio. Normally, I have a person or so I need to write about, but lately I haven't even seen the "on again" - "off again" SRS "transendered" (her words) woman from Indiana.

I have even figured out which outfit I will be wearing on our annual New Years Eve "date" and where we are going.

Oh yeah, while I am on my whining binge, my estrodial patches are bothering me this morning. Every once in awhile, they itch a day after I change them out. On the other hand, I feel they are doing me some good if I can feel some sort of reaction in my breasts...or "breast-ed's" as our Indiana friend says. :)

Even though it wasn't much of a post, maybe later on today, I will be inspired!

Transitioning Around Transitioning

As I have mentioned many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, there are many stages in a Mtf transition. Very rarely I suppose, does a transgender woman wake up early in her transition and say "this is the day", go out and throw her male clothes in the trash.

Personally, I think I went through at least distinct transitions before I arrived at the point I am today.

Let's check in on Connie's ideas:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 16, 2017 at 11:43 AM

In my mind, I had begun transition about 18 months before I went full-time living as a woman. There had been little doubt that I was ready (long overdue, really) to live as my true self, but I felt obligated to others to plan and allow them to transition along with me. That is, family and friends were more important to me than whatever solace my transition may have brought me. By that time, I had already been living 80% as a woman, which was pretty easy. The last 20% took a lot of work, however. The 80% was in terms of time, but the 20% of time was ten times more important to me. Three Thanksgivings have passed now since I began my 100% life, and I couldn't imagine going back to 80% - which is as far back as I know I could manage, anyway.

I, like Paula, am a musician. I had long wondered how I would be accepted by an audience as a woman, and also by other musicians. I had been performing for mostly cross dressers for about a year, but that was more of a novelty, and not so affirming. I was in a blues/jazz band as my male self at the same time, and one day I secured a job for the band at a charity event called "Cross Dress for Success," raising money for "Dress for Success," helping low income women with business attire to help them find jobs. Using my cunning and decisiveness (honed so well over the years), I had a clause put in the contract that "at least one member of the band must be cross dressed." That opened the door for me to come out to my band, but what happened later was far beyond my expectations. Someone at the event wanted to hire us for another event (having nothing to do with trans), but insisted that I be just who I am. That led to a series of gigs for "Connie Dee and The Sciaticats (we all had bad backs, but were cool as cats), and I never appeared on stage as my old male self again. I went on to bill myself as "The Fabulous Connie Dee," adding the "fabulous" because there was already a "Connie Dee," hence the name you see here.

I'd have to say that love is what helps to make the decision to transition. Love who you are, love those who are important to you, and love what you do (or continue to do what you always loved)."

As always thanks!

I too agree with the 80%. I had an tendency to over think the final 20% as I transitioned. I was too concerned with every move I made and with every nuance of how I looked. It was only after I finally began to gain confidence (and relax) did I begin to really enjoy my new life.

Rugby Mini Dress

Thanks to all of you who continue to help me to write Cyrsti's Condo! These comments from Paula and Michelle deserve to be repeated:

1. Paula GoodwinDecember 15, 2017 at 1:16 PM

   "I always thought that American Football was a girls game anyway! Sometimes when I am with friends who have known me for a long time, and the conversation turns to my game (Rugby Union ~ I played in the front row!) anyone who overhears the conversation can get a little confused. I am sure that there are some men who have felt their masculinity undermined when somebody as apparently Macho as I appeared to be rejects their own masculinity, but, I suspect that this often indicates a lack of security in their own sexuality or masculinity.
   
   I make it point of pride only to wear rugby shirts of teams I have played for or against, I still have the shirt I used at my last club, it's just that now I wear it as a mini dress!
2. 
   Michelle HartDecember 15, 2017 at 2:53 PM

   I had to laugh when you were describing how you dealt with the tow truck driver.
   
   And yes you are right about how women start learning early on how to act around men (basically how to stroke their egos) to accomplish a goal."
3. Paula, while I wouldn't go as far (of course)  by calling American Football a girls game, there are women playing it now...so you could be right! Plus I have seen a semi-pro women's football team up close and personal, and I would  not want to make any enemies of them. Also, I thought the Australians played the toughest rugby :)
4. I had a long The Ohio State University football jersey, which could have been worn as a mini dress...just never did it.
5. And Michelle (no relation), I did learn a powerful lesson with the tow driver, just smile, shut up, and make him feel good by making a fool of himself! It's no wonder cis women have such a different view of dealing with men that we trans girls have to learn as we cross the gender frontier!
6. Thanks to both for your comments!

We Made the Cut!

In an ever increasing attempt to curtail free speech in this country, the orange menace (Rump) and crowd have banned certain words for government agencies to use...including transgender.

Here is more from the Washington Post: 

"By Lena H. Sun and Juliet Eilperin December 15 at 6:53 PM 

The Trump administration is prohibiting officials at the nation’s top public health agency from using a list of seven words or phrases — including “fetus” and “transgender” — in any official documents being prepared for next year’s budget.

Policy analysts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta were told of the list of forbidden words at a meeting Thursday with senior CDC officials who oversee the budget, according to an analyst who took part in the 90-minute briefing. The forbidden words are “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based.”

And:

"The question of how to address such issues as sexual orientation, gender identity and abortion rights — all of which received significant visibility under the Obama administration — has surfaced repeatedly in federal agencies since President Trump took office. Several key departments — including Health and Human Services, which oversees the CDC, as well as Justice, Education, and Housing and Urban Development — have changed some federal policies and how they collect government information about lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans.

I have no further comment about how ugly this makes me feel about the current fascist administration.

Decisions, Decisions

Paula Goodwin responded to our Cyrsti's Condo post about going full time as a transgender woman:

Paula GoodwinDecember 15, 2017 at 7:24 AM

"Making the decision to stay full time in one gender is not an easy one, particularly for those of us of more mature year! After living many years presenting one gender to then make a permanent switch takes a lot of thought. For me I felt I had to try out what it was like doing real life things presenting as a woman, not just the fun things like going out to concerts, bars or galleries. I joined an orchestra as Paula and found that I enjoyed my music more and played with more sensitivity (as much as is possible on the bass trombone!) and that I was just more comfortable.

I would strongly recommend trying some real life experiences before making the decision, after all it may be possible to go back after going 24/7 but it could be both difficult and embarrassing!"

Thank you Paula!

I can't imagine ever going back, although I have to admit I miss doing several of the activities I did as a guy and I miss the simplicity of living as a guy.

My body is so feminized now from HRT, I know I could go back, but I can't ever imagining wanting to. Almost none of the people now ever knew my old male self.

What Makes a Man a Man?

Briefly, a couple of posts ago here in Cyrsti's Condo, we discussed how (for the most part) cis-men are intimidated by transgender women.

It's another complicated topic with no easy answers, but there are a couple. First, many men cling tenuously to their manhood to start with. Manhood is so confined, as compared to womanhood. After-all, woman have the children, keep a home and these days most must work too. Men have ego's which need to be maintained, etc.

Also the domains previously reserved for men are shrinking. Sports are a prime example. When, we, as trans women have played sports (and still have an active interest in) in our past, it's a problem with some men. Take Connie for example:

"I don't know if my high school successes as a football player intimidates any man, but I have disappointed a few who think that I was fooling them. I did play football as a diversion; a diversion for myself and a diversion for others to have no idea that I had a secret identity. The truth is that I loved playing the game - beyond the opportunities it afforded me to take out my anger and frustration on another human being. It was something I had a talent for, but, thank God, I had not the size for college ball. I don't have many occasions to talk about my past exploits in the game like a group of guys might do, trading stories and one-upping each other. That just doesn't fit my style anymore. 

There have been times, with people who are sincere in their curiosity, when I've used the example of my prior football days to explain how I dealt with my gender identity early on. Then I sing a verse of "If They Could See Me Now," and give a big wink. My days of intimidation were left on the football field. ;-)"

As most of you know, I too played football and some baseball in my past. When I was actively in the dating pool as a transgender woman, sometimes I just didn't say much about my knowledge of sports, or other "guy" things when dealing with a guy. A perfect example was when my car broke down one time and I had to sit back and play the perfect "dumb blond" as the driver explained to me how to get to my own house and how his tow truck worked.

I suppose it's an act most cis women learn growing up.

Maybe now, times are a changing and it's up to cis men to be better persons and catch up. They just can't rely on their "brawn" to make life work with women. Cis or trans. 

And thanks to Connie.