The Steps Within a MtF Gender Transition

I get asked time and time again when did I "start" my transition. Ideally, it is not that an easy of an answer.

I didn't seriously consider going "full-time" until my 60's but had always been a serious cross dresser before that, going back into my twenties when I constantly spent time considering how or if I could ever transition. So, if you do the math, that is at least 45 years going on fifty.

That's why I tell people, actually, I was in a constant transition state whether I knew/accepted it or not. I do wish I could recoup just part of the time I spent scheming and/or worrying about where my life was headed.

Ironically, the same stubbornness which kept me guessing, helped me accept I was transgender along the way as more knowledge mainly via the internet became available.

Early Transition Picture

Thus "transgender transition" to me is not a static or concrete thing. Rather, it evolves over time with our lives.

It sounds like a "cop-out" but I tell peeps I have been transitioning forever.

Spaced Out!

Yesterday turned out to be one of those expected/unexpected late summer days as temperatures reached ninety (with equal humidity.) I had to go to one of my transgender support groups, this one at the Veterans Administration Hospital in Dayton, Ohio so I had to use my cars 260 air conditioning...two windows down at 60 MPH. So it was hot.

I dressed down for the occasion, wearing a relatively low cut sleeveless tank top and distressed jeans with my walking shoes for the normally long walk along the VA's parking lot to get a spot to park.

Once I did, all was good and the group gained another member. She actually is still serving and is very effeminate and mainly still in the closet due to the current administration's  harassment. Our on again off again SRS girl was back sporting a brand new wig and makeup and looked much better. I was happy for her until she couldn't keep her hands off me.

I enjoy my space and only let select individuals into it, if I can help it. So yesterday, I didn't grin and bear it.

On the bright side, I learned I can attend another larger transgender group which meets after ours once a month on the third Tuesday. All I have to do is stay up in Dayton another couple hours until the meeting and then come back, skipping all the nasty Cincinnati rush hour traffic. Plus, I have had several invitations to attend their meetings, which makes me feel good!

I also had to stop in downtown Dayton yesterday to pickup the last piece of legal paperwork finishing off my probate property work. It was like returning to my old stomping grounds as the office was near the cluster of Dayton gay bars I essentially started to go out in public too. The whole experience brought back good and bad memories. Including the one when I was nearly accosted by myself by two men leaving a club.

I learned my lesson the hard way about cis/trans women and space that early morning for sure.

Time to Get Active!

Before transition and weight loss.

I wrote the other day about weight loss as a way to better present yourself as a transgender woman. And, how I lost about 50 pounds before HRT set in and my male metabolism slowed down.

Now I have gained back about twenty pounds and it is time to do something about it. It is especially important now as thanks to the hormones, I am adding hip tissue for the first time. Naturally that means I want a more defined waist line to take advantage of the process.

Some of you have asked how do I take my estrogen. I take estrodial in patch form. I started with pills until my new endocrinologist said he thought patches would be easier on my system. Other transgender women I know have told me they had problems with the patches staying on, but that has never been a problem for me. I never have considered shots because injecting myself never seemed like having kicks and giggles.

Speaking of hormones, last Friday, I battled a bout of melancholy when I put on my new patches and was "weepy" into the next day. The symptoms fortunately didn't go into hot flashes, which I have had before. Mainly when I started the dosage of HRT I am on now.

Whatever the symptoms, I look at the process as being what a normal cis woman faces at some point in her life. So, if I want to play in the girls' sandbox...get over it!  

Such A Week!

Last week, we scorched Cyrsti's Condo with a discussion which basically revolved around passing privilege, or the lack there of.

Past all of that were the meetings I went to.  At which I tend to lose all sense of gender objectivity. What I mean is, none of the people who accept the real me, never knew the old me. At this point of my life, it's hard somehow to accept it still. Perhaps it always will be.

On another subject totally, I am warming (again) to doing another presentation in the Spring at the annual Trans Ohio Symposium. I am thinking of a subject such as "Lesson's Learned from Fifty Years in the Closet." My problem continues to be over thinking the project to the point of wondering, "Who gives a damn?" At any rate, I have plenty of time to over think it!

Also, as fall sets in, I am thinking of getting started (seriously) on my second book, which is partially written already. I am so scatter brained, it will be tough not to start on book three at the same time. We will see how much self control I have.

Fall to me has always represented the ultimate transition season. I always wondered as the trees changed and lost their leaves, when if ever I could ever admit I was transgender and begin the ultimate Mtf gender transition.

So, I have a lot to think about, which fits me fine!

24/7 and More!

I am sure,  little did Stana know over at Femulate, (or maybe she did) the ripple effect her blog post concerning transgender women being mocked for their appearance would have. Even on other blogs such as Cyrsti's Condo.

You may recall, I added my two cents  basically agreeing with both sides without pointing out key issues such as how often you seek to present and blend as a woman in the public's eye. To put it mildly, it is a daunting task when you shrink your closet from two genders to one. All of a sudden you may not have that hour to cross dress yourself and finances maybe more tight than ever. Makeup becomes more precious as the usage of it becomes more important.

Of course, in the transgender sorority, "passing privilege" becomes a factor too. As we all know, as humans, we all were dealt different hands in the appearance department. Precious few men can Mtf transition effortlessly, no matter how much weight they lose.

Another view was sent along by Sally Bend: "I like Stana, and I usually enjoy her blog, but that post really rubbed me the wrong way - so much so that I find myself reluctant to read her again.

To suggest that ridicule and violence are okay because someone isn't good enough at their makeup skills, or didn't put enough effort into their outfit is ridiculous. More than that, it is dangerous. It hands the close-minded bigots a trans-approved excuse to be as mean and as cruel as they like.

The how or when of your gender presentation/expression does not matter. Crossdresser, genderqueer, non-binary, transsexual, whatever, we all started somewhere, we all learn differently, and we all have different goals in mind. Some of us want to pass and be glamorous, some of us want to slip by unnoticed, and some of just want to be comfortable in our own skin.

And then, to close out her post by telling us not to whine about it when it happens? I am going to echo the sentiments of some of the comments and call that what it is - privileged bullshit.

A little compassion, understanding, sympathy, and support go a hell of a lot farther than mockery and blame. Nobody, especially someone who should be one of us, has the right to tell us we are "not good enough" to be ourselves."

Thanks Sally!

24/7?

This post is a continuation of the post I wrote yesterday concerning Stana's post on Femulate. 

After I finished the post, later in the day, I thought I should have added something about the differences of being part time presenting as a transgender woman, and doing it 24/7 (full time). Obviously, there are huge differences. For example, if we are going out on a special occasion, I try extra hard to look better with my dress, make up, etc.

I still have to go farther than the average cis woman anytime I go out, and for that I will be eternally envious!

For another take on going 24/7, lets hear from Connie:

"The comments over on Stana's blog are quite interesting. Not that they surprise me, but it shows differences in the attitudes between 24/7 trans women and those who express their femininity "part time." Also, that both are reading the same blogs!

Being a "24/7-er," myself, I know that I'm not always going to look my best. If something in life demands that I be there right away, I can't always spend the time to make myself gorgeous before leaving the house. I'm picky about my looks, too!

I laugh at the thought of me, cross dressing years ago in my basement, and dreading what I would do should the house catch on fire. Would I have sought safety only after changing my clothes and washing off the makeup? Now, it's just the opposite, I suppose. Well, except for the fact that I am much more confident in myself these days, so I wouldn't risk my life for the sake of makeup nor for the lack of it. :-)"

Thanks Connie!

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

Stana from the Femulate blog recently wrote an interesting and extremely thought provoking post about transgender women who complain about being laughed at in public.

She (Stana) placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of the trans person trying unsuccessfully to present in their desired gender. While some of that is unfair given the extremely un-level playing field we play with as far as looks are concerned, much of it is true.

To start with, I think presentation and/or passing are wrong terms. Better yet would be "blending." Let me give you an example. At the huge grocery store we shop at, I have seen a trans woman or cross dresser outfitted in a denim mini skirt in winter and on the other end of the spectrum, one dressed to the"nines" in heels and hose. Both stuck out like sore thumbs and set off my "trans-dar"immediately.

I think some just say what the hell with their appearance and I agree with Stana, shouldn't complain too much when they get busted. I used to write about the amount of emphasis I put in to skin care and weight loss as I transitioned.

No one should argue how much work it takes to undertake a Mtf gender transition and how most of us have had to grow a tough skin along the way.

While it is true the great majority of us are not and will never be blessed with Stana's looks, we have to fall back on what cis-women do...work on our positives.

Beware of the mirror lying to you and don't be afraid of going back to the drawing board! Confidence breeds success and specifically the cis women in public will know it.

In Good Company

Both Pat and Connie commented on recent blog posts concerning the seeming "normalcy" of being transgender within the general public.

Of course, much of that has to do with where you live. I have written many times, I live close to the "demarcation" point of overall acceptance where I live on the East side of Cincinnati. Head east into the next neighboring county and you find hotbeds of Evangelical Trumpers waiting to condemn.

It speaks volumes though, to the amount of people anymore who really don't care or pay attention to the average transgender person on the street.

For those of us who do, Liz and I have seen at least five trans men and women working in the area where we live over the past several months. As Pat has noted many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, familiarity breeds knowledge with most transgender women and men. Sometimes it even goes as far as celebrity status.

I have a very close friend (going back many years) who has invited Liz and I to her fall "bon-fire" party in a couple of weeks. She is a great example of acceptance which I appreciate mightily. We are going to really try to make the hour and a half trip north to the party to see her and her husband and perhaps meet some new friends.

New friends mean a wider circle of people (mostly religious) who can say they (at the least) have met a trans person. They find I have had all my shots and don't bite. Plus I will have a chance to see a great friend again!

Yes, normalcy and/or ordinary is good when you are LGBT, sometimes though it is hard to accept it when you experience it.

An Ordinary Transgender Life?

If you are not aware, Connie has been around since the inception of Cyrsti's Condo, some seven years ago and in fact, urged me to write a blog. So, she is in a great spot to send in this comment:

"Your last two posts show your trans life to be extraordinarily ordinary. That's great! We'll always be trans women, but day to day living should not have to be centered on the "trans" part of it. It's a long way to have come since those days when being trans was almost an obsession, don't you think?"

I do think you are right and in some senses, can't believe it is true!

An example was this weekend when Liz and I went to one of a zillion fall festivals happening around here and "happened" to see at least two other transgender persons, one woman...one man. 

It was a great sign that "ordinary" is good!!!!

Thanks Connie.