Reality?

From Connie:

Reality shows.....Mostly show, not much reality. I've given up watching them, and even my curiosity toward this one is not enough to cause me to bother looking for a stream. The only reality I can vouch for is my own, but it still leads me to believe that whatever causes one to have an identity inconsistent with their "assigned" gender is a lifetime condition. I am not completely satisfied with the term, "transition", anyway, but I definitely don't believe that it can be used in the past tense - nobody really finishes a gender transition. I have been considering using the word, "transposition", instead, for my own situation.

 I think that it more accurately describes my own gender process, as its definition can be a reordering or realigning that causes change; not only the change itself. Besides, my fondness of making plays on words leads me to coin a new one: "Trans-position". That is, the relative place one might find herself on the sliding gender scale. I know that I have been sliding on that binary scale my whole life, slowly moving past the center-point toward female enough that I could never slip back so far as to be on the male side again. I know this because I have reached an awareness of self without external influence, and I have accepted the fact that I am who I am based on where I am now, as well as have been in the past.

 I'm confident, as well, that where I'll be in the future will be determined by who I am at the time - not as a result of any chemical or surgical influence. I haven't entirely ruled those influences out (health reasons are impediments at this time), but any decision I may make toward them will always be so much more with consideration to who I am than what I think I need. "What I think I need" is the core of the trouble ahead of which you speak. My word play will call that "Trans-supposition".

I guess my "transposition" came during the years I decided to not be a cross dresser-but a woman. I had to see if it was possible at all and did I want to do the Mtf transition. It's tough to follow because  so many people get caught up in the semantics.  Take the show for example, not once did they allude to the fact the dictated weight loss had any think to do with appearance instead of a healthy major surgery. Which, I thought was good. 

Plus, as you said in essence, gender is more of a slippery slope than any of us imagined. I too, have no desire to go back to my male side-no matter how much easier life would be.  (Perceived)

I was lucky. I had friends who could see the real me and kick me down the slippery slope, off the cliff and catch me at the bottom.

Finally, I like the comment "No one ever really finishes a gender transition." 

Ready or Not-Here We Go!

2017 has made it's appearance.

For me, not a real good one so far, but we all know that will change.

New Years Eve turned out to be windy with rain and snow mixed, so we just stayed home and watched The Ohio State Buckeyes get positively demolished by the Clemson Tigers. The pot of home made chili tasted great though!

Later on that evening, Liz's son came home very sick and managed to pass it along to Liz early today. (At press time, I am surviving well-knock on wood!)

So, our gift certificates I purchased for New Years Eve are still good of course, my new dress can be worn for another occasion and life goes on.

De-Transitioning?

Several nights ago on the TLC Network, they shared a show about two transgender people. One a trans woman, the other a trans man.

To make a long story short, the transgender woman had a SRS surgery scheduled with the renowned surgeon Marci Bowers. But she had to lose around 50 pounds before the surgery could take place. The show then moved to a gym where the trans woman was going to try to lose the weight with a personal trainer. As it turned out, to no avail. For whatever reason (and there could be several) she gave up losing the weight and even de-transitioned for a span of time before reverting back to more of a gender fluid life.

I thought the show was interesting because I can't tell you all the times I look at a guy and just want to be a no strings attached male. Life would have been such an easier journey.

Having written that though, I know the hell I went through just trying to live up to my demands of being "a guy." Plus, after bringing my journey as far as I have, I would have to be dragged (no pun intended) back into that world.

So I can see both sides of the fence on this per norm. (Cheers?) But I don't care what Norm says, I could never de-transition.

By the way, the person on the show is a lot like me. I thought she made a realistic if not knock down beautiful woman before she seemingly gave up on the SRS. Also there is the line of thought I subscribe too that if you have to rely on a shiny new vagina to prove who you are, there will be trouble ahead anyhow.

I had a difficult time finding out if there would be a follow up episode to her story or not. A lot of ground was covered in this show including the specter of suicide, a transgender wedding (man and trans woman) as well as other story lines.

My best advice is to follow the link above to see if you can stream it.

How Sweet It Is!

The end of 2016 for some reason has brought my Mtf transgender presentation confidence to an all time high. Starting a couple days ago, I stopped at a coffee shoppe inside my VA hospital to pick up a mocha for the trip home. I was actually in line with a couple other peeps before my order was taken.

Two girls were working behind the counter and when one asked the other about the type of milk I wanted, she causally replied "she wants low fat." So quickly and naturally, even I was impressed as I grabbed my coffee and headed home.

Then the very next day, Liz and I were shopping for some sort of a new dress to wear with my "The Ohio State University" scarf she made me for New Years Eve, plus a new headlight bulb for the car. For convenience sake, we went to one of the big box stores I won't mention. We found the headlamp but of course it was locked up on the rack, so I had to find someone to unlock it. Amazingly enough I found someone a couple aisles away.  She in turn summoned another clerk to unlock the item saying "she needs a light bulb"  meaning me of course. By this time I'm thinking life is good as I am navigating this heavily redneck store as a girl, until life was about to get even better!

Of course Liz and I were fighting about what to buy in the sweater dress department until finally she throws up her hands in disgust and says "Go try it on, it is not what you think it is." (I hate it when she is right.)  So I did.

I headed for the fitting rooms which were manned by a more elderly than me lady and I got a little apprehensive in that she would be choosing the man's or woman's fitting room for me. But before I could make another move, she wheeled and unlocked the women's fitting room for me. Wow! As I said though, Liz was right and my idea of a new dress for the evening didn't work, so I went with her's.

So all in all the last couple of days have been astounding.

Happy New Years to you all!!!!

Jessie

End of Year Comments

Thanks again for all of you who make Cyrsti's Condo a regular stopping point!  Lets get to a few comments.

From our "Demarcation" Bra post:

"It's mainly a matter of comfort. Bras are supportive but constricting and once in one's private space at home, comfort rules and off comes the bra. With a sigh of relief. 

That said, if you're going out again later on, a bra will have to be put back on. Going braless will risk men getting fixated on your wobbling mammaries, or another woman's raised eyebrows, unless the wearing of a bra is clearly discretionary, as on a hot beach - or if you actually relish the attention! 

It's also clear that small-breasted women have a lot more latitude to do as they please in this area, compared with women who - naturally or otherwise - are well-endowed. 

Lucy"

For better or for worse, I am still one of the small breasted women! Thanks Lucy :)

And, of course Connie brought her unique perspective to the Condo:

 "Well, my problem is that when my bra comes off, so do my boobs! Of course, as far as my womanhood is concerned, that is neither here nor there.....except that my boobs aren't here unless the bra is there. I don't know about my stars aligning, but I still need a bra to keep my boobs aligned.:-)"

Finally, Michelle: "CHEERS to the New Year to both you and Connie from one that NEEDS to take that dang thing off when I get home...LOL"

Cheers to you too Michelle!!!!!

Demarcation Point?

Is the bra a line between a cross dresser and a transgender woman? Here is Connie's take:  "I've heard it said that the line is separated by the fact that a cross dresser can't wait to get home from work and put a bra on, while the transgender woman can't wait to get home to take hers off. Other than that, cross dressing is "what" one does, while being a transgender woman (or man) is "who" one is. It is the "why" question that forms the thin line. "When" and "where" can also be factors."

I really like the definitions here Connie-thanks! I know it took me years to figure out why I needed to do more than just put the feminine clothes on. I could never figure out why the "thrill" of dressing like a girl had long sense lost it's charm. It became more important to me to be more efficient in the process of being able to do the best I could to present my inner female to the outside world. When the stars began to align, I began to understand I was indeed transgender and not a cross dresser. Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with. The problems naturally occur when we can not align our inner and exterior genders.

And oh by the way, I can't wait to get my bra off!

It's a Thin Line

Last week during my transgender veteran support group I told a couple of experiences I had during what I called my "formative" years as a cross dresser. By formative I mean I was searching to see if a feminine life for me was all I thought it would/could be.

Every time I describe myself as a "former crossdresser" I look for reactions at the same time.

Why?

I know transgender purists say you are trans or not from basically birth and by all accounts I was. The problems came as I built a rather successful male life, it became harder and harder to give up. Plus, information on transgender people was just not as available (or available at all to us.)

So when I talked about singing karaoke with a very masculine lesbian in her cowboy hat (by her direction) and trying to beat my wife home from work at midnight, you can understand the confused or bemused looks around the table.

I find it amusing too that my therapist doesn't understand my past and present paranoia about using the correct restroom (women's). After all it was me who had the cops called on me three times. I learned quickly the proper rest room etiquette and then some. I always carried some sort of feminine hygiene product just in case a not so slick cis woman tried to trip me up, and I had one.

So, the line was thin between being an accomplished cross dresser and a transgender woman-if you believe there ever was one. I know some of you do and some don't and I know too there are a few cis women (GG's) who keep up with the blog who wonder too about their spouses. Which is another blog post altogether.

Some day we will have to cross that thin line.

Thanks!

We received several nice holiday greetings here in Cyrsti's Condo from Paula, Mandy, Connie,Calie and others! Happy holidays to you and yours :).

Most of  our work was done Christmas Eve, so Liz and I had a chance to kick back and relax and watch my fave seasonal classic-A Christmas Story. It's a period piece which takes place in Cleveland, Ohio and among other plot lines, involves a pre teen boys' quest to get a BB Gun for Christmas. Which is exactly what I did not want to get but did anyhow. My brother got one too and we used to have shootouts in the backyard. I could never hit him but he could me. As I progressed through life, I found I was never destined to be much better of a marksman. Even in the Army.

At the least though, since I have been able to transition finally, I can watch the movie for it's own sake and catch more of the humor. It's amazing how that works.

On the flip side, North Carolina managed to stay in the transgender dark ages and not rescind it's discriminatory bathroom law. Which essentially means I would have to use a men's room in public places. On the other hand Kentucky's very Republican governor said he would veto any attempt to pass a similar bill. A move which would hurt the many civilized areas of Kentucky such as the part across from Cincinnati, Lexington, Louisville, Frankfort and others. So the boycott of North Carolina did work...just not there.

Again, thanks all for checking in and following the blog and to all the rest of you who do too! (The silent majority dare I say.)

And So It Is Christmas!

My fondest desire for all of you is you have an accepting family this Holiday. Too many transgender women and trans men just don't.

Even after I was old enough to understand completely why I would rather have a doll for Christmas rather than the BB Gun I got, I still took years to understand the complete ramifications for coming out of the closet as transgender.

After I did a couple of years ago, I was lucky and only lost half of of family. My brother would not stand up to his in laws. Ironically, I gained two sets of family with my partner Liz and my daughter and her in laws. Turns out change was good after all.

As I said, Best Wishes during this Yule Holiday Season!

Jessie