Sex Versus Gender-a Debate?

No, we all should know there is no debate. Put very simply sex is between the legs and gender is between the ears.

This post is part of a conversation Connie and I had concerning having a "brand new shiny vagina" at her age and what would she do with it? I gave her a partial pro/con answer using a woman in one of my support groups who is actually older than me who is going through (or has just) had SRS.

She considers it a life long culmination to a transgender struggle. Now and only now she can proudly claim "woman" hear me roar. (Sorry Helen Reddy.) In the same breath though she was telling me how her sister would kick her out of the house after SRS.

Of course only each of us can answer the separation of sex and gender we all experience and how far we are willing to go to achieve it.

For example, I live with a woman who would have no problems with me having a vagina because she has always seen me between the ears as a transgender woman. On the other hand, my deceased wife never would have.

Should the trans woman going through SRS only to join many of her transgender sisters on the street, do it and why?

And, where does sex enter back into it either way? Unless you had a hell of a sex drive as a man, estrogen/spiro does a pretty effective job of chemical castration. Plus as a woman, I can't see myself settling down any time soon with an elderly gentleman in the suburbs. Imagine being brought home to meet the the family on Thanksgiving? Either way, my idea of wild passionate sex is somewhere -lost in my dashboard lights (Sorry Meatloaf.)

Like almost everything else a trans person goes through in life, sex versus gender hassle is yet another which seemingly never goes away.

Now, if at least we could get a majority of the public to understand we are not just gay or playing dress up.

What's Next and Why?

Sometime ago at one of the transgender veteran support groups I go to, I found it interesting in the amount of push back I received when I mentioned my desire for a breast job. Specifically from one member who is 68 and going under the knife for a full blown sexual genitalia reassignment surgery. She could barely pee straight telling us all about it (and may not be able to afterwards.)

Good for her. I am glad she could achieve her life's goals and tell her detractors that once and for all she was a woman, including between the legs. I have said it many times though, there is so much more into "becoming a woman" than surgery. Somehow I don't think all the knives in the world can add or subtract the little extra which comes with being a "woman." It is my belief no matter your birth gender, you start the SRS process between and ears and finish between the legs.

Maybe I am wrong and when I see her next, she will be smiling ear to ear, still has a place to live, etc. (Yes, it still happens.)

In the mean time, I'm told by my partner Liz I can research having my breasts done if I prove I can go through the pain of a tattoo. The problem is what kind of a tattoo and where on my body. I keep telling her if I had the boob job first, then I would have extra space for the tattoo but so far she doesn't believe me.

So much for credibility, I might as well be a politician!

Unconditional Love?

From the "other" side I can't begin to understand the confusion and even the anguish involved for the wife and girl friend when her spouse/boyfriend comes out as a cross dresser or transgender woman to her.

I know there are the rare publicized relationships in which the wife "stands by her new partner" and I have all the respect in the world for those cis women.

In my case my deceased wife accepted from day one I was a cross dresser but rejected from day one any idea of me wanting to go the transgender route.

I can only imagine what she thought of me tottering around in skin tight skirts and high heels and don't want to.

I know too there would have been no way for our relationship to continue the way it was if she had not passed on, but I am sure we would have parted as friends.

What would have been very interesting would have been her take on the transition path I ended up taking.

She was rather conservative and would have approved for the most part of my jeans/flats style wardrobe but would have recoiled at my choice of hair color (violet.)

I have just met a fledgling trans girl who says she has come out to her wife and "she knows" I just wonder how much and if her and her family are ready for the rocky road ahead?

Transgender Mini Series

At times as I seriously begin to slave over my second book again, I get a chance to look back over the half century or so of time which took me to this point in my life.

Like the other day when my new endocrinologist asked me to start at the beginning.  Really? The story would be like a mini series on the history channel. We would have episodes along the way of playing football while wanting to be a cheerleader, raiding my Mom's clothes while they would still fit, and how about the doll I wanted for Christmas I never got?

The problem I had with her was trying to color in the space of time I spent exploring my possible transition from crossdresser to transgender woman-and yes there was a difference. I was so much more than an ex guy with hormone induced breasts and emotions sitting across from her.

Obviously, I was the first "up close and personal" trans woman she had ever met and was fascinated. I even fascinate myself, sometimes not in good ways which could be a another show.

I often wonder if I ever had the chance to be the "flaming star" of transgender women (like Caitlin Jenner), how would I handle it? To be sure better than her because at the least I have more empathy towards the trans community than she seemed to ever show. The again, she didn't have to "come up through the ranks" similar to someone such as Laverne Cox.


Even though I would like to show empathy though, I know it's tough because of the issues all of us have faced to get us here in the transgender tribe. One episode could be centered in how we as a tribe are still terribly cannibalistic. It's like we carry whats left of our male ego, then mix it in with our newly forming feminine ego.  We have talked about it here. Rather than say hello to another trans sister, we desperately hope her trans dar did not go off and read us.

Another interesting episode would take a look at the progression and in some cases digression our fashion senses take. Take me for example, I don't wear mini skirts or sky high heels but my jeans, flip flops and violet hair serve to announce my arrival and P.O. many other women my age. But you have probably figured by now...I don't care.

I could probably come up with two or three more shows without much trouble, like how does one become socialized as a woman etc... but more on that at a later time! Don't panic, I don't have a ton of producers knocking my door down anyway :)

Itty Bitty Share?

From Houston:

This year, "Jenifer René Pool became the first transgender candidate to win a primary election in Texas history, securing the Democratic nomination for Precinct 3 of the Harris County Commissioner’s Court. She celebrated by ordering a pizza, curling up with her cats, Aurora and Molly, and scrolling through incoming emails and Facebook messages—no glitzy rally, no prime-time speech. “It’s uncomfortable when you don’t win and people are just glad-handing you, slapping you on the back,” she says. “I had heard that enough.”

Pool’s reticence is understandable, rational even. In electoral politics, the transgender community is essentially invisible. According to research by political scientists Logan S. Casey and Andrew Reynolds, only 20 trans politicians hold elected office, at any level, in the entire world. Here in the U.S., no openly transgender person has ever served as a member of Congress or been elected and seated in a state legislature. “People have run, they have won, they have beaten the odds,” Reynolds tells us. “It’s still a tiny, tiny proportion.”

Jennifer Pool

Most certainly we transgender women and men number a small part of the population, but we are growing enough to reportively cause a shortage of estrogen in certain companies. So our tribe or "cult" as some like to put it, is expanding as more find it's safe to come out of the closet.

Follow the link above for more.

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day (Archive)

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

"The biggest risk of all is not taking one at all". Normally always heard from a person who took the risk and succeeded.
 I have never had a problem living this quote in my life, which leads me to the second quote:
"Some you win, some you lose and some get rained out."  The big difference these days is I carry a different style of rain gear!

Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Transition by Definition

Earlier this week we ran a post here in Cyrsti's Condo called Beyond Transition. At that time I mentioned I had a few more thoughts to share on the matter.  Also, this week is home to "National Coming Out Day".

Huge ideas to be sure. I look at transition as a passage from point "a" to point "b".  When I look at the transgender community as a whole, does anyone ever really get to point "b"? My only point of reference is when I'm out with friends and I lose any sense of gender. I simply just am who I am. Have I transitioned, am I done? Am I the same as a transsexual woman who has gone through SRS and lives her life with no fanfare down your street? Could be...or not.

Although I have not had the surgeries the trans woman down the street has had, would her transition qualify as being more complete?  Probably not. In essence if either of us is facing taking estrogen till the day we die, we are still transitioning.  Perhaps the only defining separation is one of us is determined to talk about our life to hopefully lend some guidance to others - the other not and that's fine too.

On the other hand transitioning does imply a certain series of events.  The external move from gender "a" to "b" is very clear. You decide you need to change to live, you begin to socialize yourself in your non birth gender, you decide you want to ingest chemicals into your body to further the process and you go "under the knife" to complete any physical changes you may deem necessary. This black and white process looks very good on paper and especially works well with a male mind but often runs into problems with the mental processes.

In my case, some would assume I already have the problems with my mental processes, so it's been damn difficult on occasion to sort out what is coming from where.  An example is years ago on my first visit to a "gender therapist", she asked if I had any problems with my cross dressing. I said no but I did have problems on the effect it was having on my marriage.  To make a long expensive story short, the only good result of the visits was that she diagnosed me with a very clear bi-polar disorder.

So I guess transitioning is in the mind of the beholder.  The TS woman down the street may be "snug as a bug in the rug" in her stealth life.  On the other hand, I don't think I have ever been snug at anything. If the river is calm, bring me a boat to rock to see if I can tip it in my heels. Plus I hope I never lose the wonder of where this life has taken me.

Years ago when Uncle Sam let me go after three glorious years, I was discharged at Ft. Dix in New Jersey where my car was waiting from Germany.  I threw my duffel bag in the back seat of my 1973 VW Beetle and headed home to Ohio.  The next morning was clear, blue and beautiful when I got onto the Pennsylvania turnpike.  Just for a split second at a toll booth on a hill and had a chance to look at the road in the valley ahead. What a rush of freedom it was!  I thought I would never have a chance to reclaim that moment again but guess what - I'm close. Never say never.

So I guess my transition will only end when I depart this life and I look back and think how crazy it was that being transgender was so earth shattering. I will get back to you on that!

***Please note the link above may will not work for you. It's from 2013.

JJ's Sunday Edition

Ker Plunk! Welcome in to another Sunday Edition which is hitting your virtual front porch!

First the Weather...positively glorious here in Southwestern Ohio. Low humidity and highs around 80. Let's get a "cup o joe" (coffee) and get started.

Page One- The Week That Was-or Wasn't: As restroom battles continue to rage around the country and as transgender women try to figure out the proper etiquette to use an urinal in panties, it turns out our new trans girl Caitlin Jenner's show was cancelled for this season. If there was any true "realism" to Jenner's reality show, Jenner never got the true message about what being transgender is all about.

Page Two- Yesterday's Coffee-Opinion: Yesterday was a bittersweet day for me as I put some sad memories behind me and opened new horizons. On the way back from Columbus, Ohio we stopped at a place called "Thurmans" which is widely regarded as having the best one pound burgers in Columbus. This is a picture of my burger. In the past I could have easily eaten this, but yesterday I had to take half of it home with me. I guess I'm not the person I used to be :).

Page Three: The Back Page: Looking ahead into September it will be time to put together my packing for a vacation trip my partner Liz and I will be taking up to Maine.

I love leggings and big soft sweaters, so I will have to start digging mine out, plus Liz has promised my first trip to get my fingernails done in a salon (already had a pedicure once.)

Of course I may have to eat a Lobster!

Well kids, your violet haired Vixen (the name of the hair color I chose) needs to wrap this up and move along with this beautiful day.

Hope you are well and I love you all!

Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"

Monday, January 20, 2014

Pandora's Box

 I have wondered forever,  what role does an attractive cross dresser's feminine presentation play in possibly later moving her into a transgender existence? Is it similar to the worn out idea that a majority of heroin users got hooked because of marijuana? Did my first experiments with Mom's hose and underwear get me hooked, or was I just predestined to be who I am today? I believe the answer was a little of both. What caused me to open that Pandora's Box of goodies? By the way, this definition of "the box" comes from Wikipedia:  

The phrase "to open Pandora's box" means to perform an action that may seem small or innocent, but that turns out to have severe and far-reaching consequences. Certainly, the definition is correct. Little did I know how severe the gender torment I would feel during my lifetime and it's far reaching consequences. But what made me open the box?  My brother didn't and for all I know the greatest majority of male type kids in my school and town didn't. The simple answer is some sort of switch already existed in my noggin and I flipped it to "on".

Even more interesting is the number of "switches" we have ready to be turned on or off.  Why was it for me, the occasions I was told I made a better looking girl, was mistaken for one, or was made over to look like one, I felt worse about being a cross dresser a few days later. I believe now,  cross dressing never seemed to come closeto explaining my first gender switch. . Hell, I didn't have a  "switch", I had a 50 amp circuit breaker!

I flipped the breaker and got a better look into Pandora's Box. I saw all the glittering bling of new wigs, dresses and heels. They were sooooo inviting but sooooo non fulfilling.  Finally, after years of torment, I ignored the bling and went for substance and found a book called the My Little Book of Trans.  I grabbed it and found there was even an instruction guide, which of course I didn't read first. Who needs "no stinkin instructions?"

As I blissfully thumbed through the book's  pages from back to front (I'm dyslexic) I learned my obvious gender disconnect wasn't so obvious to me. I had to readbackward to  Chapter One in the "Book of Trans", to make some sense of my life as a trans woman.  A cross dresser looks like a woman, a transgender woman socializes herself as a woman and a transsexual acquires the sexual genetalia of a woman.  In addition, none of them ever become females and being a genetic female does not guarantee you're a woman.

Of course I spent 50 years fighting the crossdressing in me, five accepting the transgender spirit of my soul and no years obsessing on purchasing a store bought vagina.

At this point in my life, I have to blame my slow learning on someone, so  I'm blaming it on Pandora!  I've been known to be nothing if not persistent.  Seems as if I kept bugging our girl with the box just long enough, she got up off the "good stuff" and threw the book at me!

By the way, "My Little Book of Trans" exists only in my fertile "itty bitty" mind.