Fright or Flight?

The last couple of days I have had a couple of those moments when I wasn't totally sure which I was going to do. Stay scared or get out of the situation I was in. 

The first was the actual picture taking of the families before the Bar Mitzfah- with focus on the extended families of my grandson as well as him. I just don't like pictures to start with...so I hitched up my big girl panties and got over it.

The second time was today when (for the first time in my life) I went to a fitness club with Liz.  So, I basically went sans most makeup in sweats. (Proud owner of my new ID.) Needless to say, I was at my best but again hitched up my panties and began on my fitness goals. Why?

I need to see if I can exercise my way out of my bad hip's influence. Burn a few extra calories and become more agile before I begin my plan to start yoga. In my quest to live longer and get this transgender trip I'm on as far as I can possibly can.

Even though "fright or flight" seemingly at times is as much a part of my journey as the night years ago when I sat in my car seemingly forever gathering courage for the first time ever to go into a restaurant by myself to eat as a woman. Why would I possibly stop now>

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Another cold Sunday edition is hitting your front porch. Around here in Cincinnati, we are at a balmy (yet sunny) thirteen degrees. Lets get a hot cup o joe (coffee) or cocoa (with marsh mellows) and get started.

Page One - The Week that Was or Wasn't: Saturday (yesterday) was one of those days when life's transgender changes seem to pile up. In chronological order, yesterday morning, I went and did the final work to get my Ohio drivers' license with the magical "F" under gender. I wrote yesterday about 50 years between Major license changes. What I meant Fiona was I got my original license when I was 16 and now I am 66. I got to thinking, does a half a decade sound better? Pretty intimidating to me-either way! Then, I didn't have much time to reflect upon the moment, as we Liz and I had to head up to Kettering, Ohio for my oldest Grandson's Bar Miftzfah. Being a grandparent, I had to do my duty and step up and in for what seemed like a million pictures with the family. I could only think that years later, future generations would look at the picture and see very (very likely) the immediate family's first transgender member. Although-my first wife (and mother of my daughter) has a trans man nephew. Indeed it is a small world.

Page Two- Yesterdays' Coffee - Opinion: As I rejoiced in the success of changing over my State of Ohio ID (driver's license), a trans girl friend of mine reminded me how difficult it is to do it. From Racquel: 
" Kick ass. Appeasing the Ohio BMV is no small feat. It took me over an hour on the phone just to get them to figure out which form to send me. Then you gotta get a shrink to certify you as trans enough. I can't help being proud from a "rite of passage" standpoint. But needing to beg for the permission of so many gatekeepers — having to satisfy doctors, therapists, the BMV, the State Dept, probate court, vital statistics, and the Social Security administration — is total BS."

Thanks Racquel! You see, she is much younger than me and I forget many don't have the benefit of a free therapist like I had being a trans vet. So, indeed my therapist had to approve my transness to enable me to start HRT. 

"BS" to be sure and my problem these days too is "treating" transgender youth (to prove their 'transness' has become a business of sorts. 

Page Three - The Back Page - Back to the Future?: Last night I literally had to stand up and do a "special reading"my Grandson chose for me in front of approximately 125 people. So, for the rest of the evening, it was tough to hide- if I wanted to. Plus, I saw more than a couple peeps I knew through my daughter from my male past. The top moment I suppose, was a rest room visit of all places. Liz and I were going to pee before the trip home and all of the sudden, it was "old home day." Seemingly, two or three women showed up from nowhere to have a bathroom chat-mostly about how much weight I have lost and how long my hair was from the last time they had seen me. At that moment, I knew the world had come full circle - at least for now.

Page Four- The Back Beat: As always, thanks soooooo much for stopping by the Condo. Hopefully, you are in a spot out of the snow and/or cold!

Legal Under the Law

Seemingly after what seemed like a half a decade since my first driver's license- I went out today and changed mine from male to female. And, of course while I was at it I changed my legal name too.

Well, actually it was fifty years ago!

How did it go? I was a puddle of goo :) but with Liz's help and a very helpful BMV clerk-we "got-er-done!"

Beauty and the Art

Recently a friend of mine has launched her "on line" beauty business and it got me thinking. (Scary) And her business is not the purpose of this post.

It's another cliche but a woman's true beauty does come from the inside out. But, after it's filtered through media and society etc- beauty becomes one hell of an external deal.

SIT on WHAT???

I'm sure if I had the money to buy products from my friend (or one of the upscale make up stores) life would be easier for this transgender woman-and yes-like many of you, I feel like some days I am trying to make a purse out of a sow's ear.

Then again why not? All I am really looking for is a break even beauty point. And, I am off point.

Women of all ages compete for attention of some sort. I remember distinctly years ago when my granddaughter invited a girl who just didn't fit the mold of the other kids. She was somehow prettier etc. Years later as I attended one of my first "transvestite" mixers (of all places) I saw the same thing with a group of three or four CD's who I called the "A" listers. They were the ones who made a big deal of looking you up and down when you tried to speak.

I am going to have to release my list again of reading women-reading you as it is changing quickly in many spots.

Another key beauty point is being able to try to apply it to make it look like you aren't trying and you are able to erase in your mind what ideals your old guy is screaming look good.

I'm lucky. No matter how I'm perceived on the outside, my friends see me from the inside out. It's like last night when Liz and I went to another of our "creative" Meetup get togethers. I approached (and was approached by) several cis-women I had never met. I am not naive enough to think some of that was trans curiosity. But these days I am more apt to seek out new acquaintances.

I know too, that beauty is a combination of hobby/fun and necessity for most all cis women. So I hope my friend does really well with her sales!!!!  

Well "Heeled?"

As the 'first class' winter snow storm of the year heads towards us, I decided to dig a little deeper into my boot wardrobe. We are going to be lucky by east coast standards - who are expecting to get pounded. However, most of the congressmen are never there anyhow and Washington (expecting over 2' of snow) has snowed us for decades anyhow.

I have had a pair of faux fir topped black boots with an approximate two inch wedge heel which come about half way up my calf.I have never really worn them but-

Liz and I are going out tonight and it may be the ideal evening to get "reacquainted" with the boots. I won't be walking far and not have to worry about going over my own "personal glass ceiling height." Without heels, I'm rarely the tallest women in many rooms. Plus, I know a height paranoia with me is my problem as there are more and more beautiful cis women of height. Who cares anymore?

So, we will see if the extra rear padding I'm beginning to add again from HRT, does me good if I fall on my can tonight!

It looks as if I am going to have to stock up on a little extra tissues for my Grandson's Bar Mitzfah  this coming Saturday night.

If you are like me, perhaps you don't/didn't know much about the Jewish 'coming of age" tradition. My grand daughter had her "Bah Mitzfah" not long ago. So I had a chance to learn a little bit more.

For no particular reason except for info - I'm not Jewish and my kid converted-so that is why I didn't know much.

I chose a couple to pass along to you ( paragraphs), including these which I will be reading Saturday.

Be Generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with what you need yourself.
Be wise enough to know you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

And the best (and final) paragraph:

Be loving to those that love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you, and they may change.
Above all...BE YOURSELF!

Plus, if you didn't know, the U.S. Reform Jews last November -Temples and synagogues affiliated with the nation's largest Jewish movement In a resounding voice vote, Reform Judaism embraced some of the most far-reaching policies for transgender people seen among any of the nation's mainstream religious organizations, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT advocates said.)

I can't say how proud I am of my daughter. Some say the apple didn't fall far from the tree.  

I think in my case, the apples fell and rolled and she went and picked them up!

Cyrsti's Condo "Silver Screen" Update

As I wrote in the Sunday Edition, Liz and I watched "The Danish Girl" Saturday and "Carol" on a rare weekend when we go out to see two movies. Carol stars Cate Blanchett who is at once a powerful/cold wealthy woman at love with Rooney Mara.

On the other hand, Blanchett is vulnerable in the role and goes from sort of a regal/imitator to the girl next door peaking out of the shower with no makeup,

As I said/wrote before, we were interested in watching Carol also since it was filmed here in the Cincinnati, Ohio area and we happened to be downtown when they were gathering the vintage cars for the movie.

Since Carol is a love story between two women-yes there is a very erotic love scene. Sort of icing on the cake (so to speak.)

Of course between the two movies, "The Danish Girl" meant more to me from a purely personal nature. Lili Elbe's life (even though years apart) were so similar-MAINLY the interactions between her and Gerta her wife. I think I walked into the movie thinking Gerta gave Lili the green light for a transition which went all the way to one of the first sex reassignment surgeries. I was wrong. Gerta was hurt and questioning-mad and hurt through out the experience. To the point she used the magic words most all of us hear if we are married crossdressers or transwomen from our wives.  A transition is all about us.

I don't want to go into any more spoiler alerts than I did. I did overviews. 

Finally, if you live in an older city the size of Cincinnati, you may look around for what I call "boutique" theaters. They are usually around big colleges or upscale suburbs in reclaimed movie theaters.  Plus, the theaters are more apt to hold on to movies a little longer than the big box places with all the kids!

Cyrsti's Condo "The Sound Track" Fades

In rapid fire this week we have lost David Bowie and Glenn Frey to death. Frey of course was with the Eagles.

I see more than a little humor when the news stories say Bowie died early at 69 and Frey at 67 - hell at 66 I have years to go...I thought?

Of course my particular age of Baby Boomers felt the sting of death with the Kennedy's, Martin Luther King, Jim Morrison, Joplin and Hendrix all suffering an early death at the hands of others or by their own hands.

I wonder if you could ask any of the musicians in particular if they would quote the "Indy" Jone's comment about their life, :"It's not the years-it's the mileage."

I began to feel that way when I celebrated the "double nickles" (55). I had spent nearly all of my life running from my gender issues on top of a pesky bi-polar deal.

Through it all though, I was able to do some heavy duty playing along with the running and working to glue a life together with mirrors.

Perhaps when I miss a Bowie or Frey, the hurt is a bit deeper for me. The soundtrack meant a lot.

So much so, I have picked a tune for when and if I am fortunate enough to leave this existence in peace- "Call Me the Breeze" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Read the lyrics and you will understand and if you have ever heard it-turn it up REAL loud and listen for the keyboards!

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Another Sunday edition is hitting your virtual front porch and if you live around this part of Ohio your porch is cold and getting colder by the hour-down into the zero degree range by tomorrow. Yikes! It's time to make a cup of Buckeye hot cocoa (with a tad of peanut butter) and maybe a little protein powder too. So, let's get started!

Page One-the Week that Was or Wasn't:  For Liz (my partner) and I, the weekend was the whole week essentially. Friday night we joined our friends for dinner which was cool as I wrote about and today we hope to make the early (old peeps) showing of the movie Carol  

The  film tells the story of a young aspiring photographer and her relationship with an older woman going through a difficult divorce. Highsmith based the character of Therese Belivet on herself, after an encounter she had in 1948 with a woman while she worked 

at Bloomingdales in New York City. Other than being an LGBT based film, the "movin' picture show" was actually filmed around the Cincinnati, Ohio area.

Page Two-Yesterdays' Coffee-Check Your Fluids-Opinion: Recently, I wrote more in depth of the dinner with a group of friends we went to Friday and the chance I had to sit close to a transgender man friend I have who I believe (like the majority of us) has struggled with gender fluidity. The reason I say that is, early on when I met him-I used the male pronoun and learned I may have been the only one that was. Of course I asked him and he said it didn't matter. So now I listen for what his partner calls him of course. 

Gender "Fluidity" may be more prevalent than we think, similar to transgender women and men. As Connie commented "As dazzled as you may be when you learn from someone that they know another trans person, it should give you pause to wonder just how that trans person is presenting herself or himself, and then how are you being viewed in the inevitable comparison." Good point! So many times it's NOT all about us. And, the more we realize it, the better chance we have to move on with our lives in our intended gender. A point which was made in the "Danish Girl" which we saw last night.

Page Three-The Back Page - Saving the Best for Last: I was literally shaken after viewing "The Danish Girl" I mean, how dare they rip chapters from my life and put them on the big screen? At the least the movie was lush in it's backgrounds and scenery, powerful in it's message and so sad. 

With that, it's time to go. Wherever you are remember I luv you all and thanks for making the Condo a regular stop!