A Layered HRT Life

Here is perhaps another oft discussed topic for the upcoming Simmons College seminar on transgender issues in June we are participating in here in Cyrsti's Condo.

In a recent post, Connie mentioned all the "practice" she put in following all the feminine mannerisms she observed. Generics most certainly do too as they attempt the journey from female to becoming their own woman. I am not going to attempt a right or wrong way, as each of us is different.

I used to talk about certain of the Mtf transgender transition issues I had with my generic friends but more often than not, all I got back in return was "welcome to our world."

Not being the "sharpest tack in the box" it took me awhile to figure out, the women didn't have the slightest idea on certain occasions of what their world was. I quit bringing it up.

Any woman I have ever brought up the fact my HRT transition has added "layers" to my life, has looked at me blankly-HUH? Woman are just born into a layered existence. Men, aren't and I do believe now (more and more) how much the differences are hormonal driven AND a major source of transgender dysphoria.

Back to Simmons. One of the most asked questions I get is "what were the most dramatics changes during my HRT transition?" Everyone expects physical changes such as breasts, skin and hair changes. In reality though (it takes awhile) you begin to see the world in different ways and many times you have no one to explain it to.

As I wrote, generics take it for granted as a pro or con birthright. I compare the process to my nephew who could throw a 92 mile per hour fastball in high school. He took it for granted and now it's merely a "remember when" topic at family get togethers.

Adding the layers has been a fascinating experience and I am sure many would say I really didn't need the HRT to become the person I am today and they too are right. There is no wrong answer. Except to just cop out and say "welcome to my world."

I wouldn't do that to you if I could help it!

Mark Twain was What?

From Connie:  "They came to jeer, but remained to whitewash." (from 'Tom Sawyer') Not that Twain was necessarily speaking directly to gender roles here, but you have brought back memories of reading Twain's works many years ago. He had a few characters cross dressing in different books, and I took delight upon discovering them in my reading. I especially liked the Huck Finn cross dressing episode in which he inadvertently outed himself because, while threading a needle, he attempted to move the needle toward the thread (the way a man would do it), rather than thread to needle (the way every girl is taught). As a boy so confused about my gender identity, reading this made me really start to think about gender stereotyping, in as much as I knew that I'd have to be very careful to present myself properly if I were to ever to put myself into the "real world". I began studying the way teenage girls and young women acted (I never felt like I was a little girl so much), and I spent many hours practicing in front of the bathroom mirrors. Unfortunately, by the time I was really pretty good at it, the testosterone ruined everything.

I hadn't thought of it until I read your post, but I put so much effort into painting stereotypes in an effort to "justify" my gender identity. After being hit with the reality of male puberty, though, I ended up whitewashing my own identity. The lesson, I think, is that buying into stereotypes is not nearly as bad as whitewashing - which is just withdrawal and denial. Without stereotypes to define the binary opposites, like man/woman, love/hate, and war/peace, how would we ever figure out who we are? Besides, what could be more boring than a whitewashed world? 

Thanks Connie! I guess I shouldn't have taken a few of the book shortcuts I took with Cliff's Notes. I did however know of at least one of Twain's references to a cross dressing character. I positively loved your response. In my case I vividly remember a comic strip detective catching his "prey" by tossing "her" an item. She was wearing a long skirt and spread her legs to catch it-not squeeze them together like a man would do.

Then there was the Ian Fleming attributed short story about 007 James Bond in drag which happened to turn up as reading material in a high school history class I took with a very gay (much certainly not out in those days) teacher. I have never seen it since and wonder if Ian Fleming really penned it all. Surely though, to a gender conflicted teen ager it was fascinating as I secretly read it.

There is much more to Connie's comment which we will look at in a future Cyrsti's Condo post!

Cyrsti's Condo "OOOPPS!"

Ian! Get down here, dinner is ready and your grandparents are here to see you!

Unidentified cross dresser-Pinterest

Put That Damn Brush Away!!!

I should be the last person to stereotype the world! I get so frustrated when I do. I  know it doesn't help I am reasonably opinionated. Here are a few:

I have opinions that a macho "jock" looking man is going to react negatively to me when in fact I have found it's just the opposite. For the most part, they are secure in themselves and don't give me much notice at all. I have opinions my lesbian friends won't get much male attention-but they do. I assume gay guys won't like me and that's changing (maybe even lesbians!)

I also assume  people think I live in this conservative "red neck" part of the country-when I don't.-and others don't either. Take Shelle lle for example:  "As you know Cyrsti,I live In Indiana which is likely among the most Anti LGBT states in the Midwest,However I live in a fairly liberal town ,thanks mostly to the fact that Purdue University Is located here, and they have a well organised LGBT program on campus,I'm able to go anywhere around town without fear of reprisal and have not had any bad experiences at all I'm lucky and thankful for that."

Thank you Shelle lles! I am always encouraged by the pockets of understanding around the larger educational institutions anywhere (many of which have gender studies programs.) And, as I told my grand kids, they are the future diversity which oils the future. They can make a difference. 

Now, as far as living in Ohio, Indiana or Texas where my BFF trans woman friend is headed - sure there are places you don't want to go, for any number of reasons. But there places you can. But only when you understand the basics of where you are and as a transgender woman or cross dresser-you follow the basics of being any generic woman knows.

I am a terrible painter anyway and I need to be a worst one when I paint stereotypes. 

Cyrsti's Condo "Memorial Day" Tribute

Every Memorial Day it seems this post never changes - except more have died from war and transgender military members are still fighting for rights they don't have.

To me, Memorial Day, means taking a moment to remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice. I am sure most of you these days have a family member who served or are serving now-thank them for me!!!!!

If you are a transgender veteran or a currently serving trans military member-thanks to all of you for what you did - or have done.

Freedom isn't free.

I Love My Family

As expected, my visit with my grand kids went well. The trip to their house took about an half hour and gave me time to think how I could screw this up. 

The clearest answer I could come up with was to take them for granted. I very much knew my daughter would be setting me up for success. I have written a number of times here in Cyrsti's Condo about the diverse household my daughter and son in law encourage. Plus, I knew the kids had been waiting for this since February.

So, after the initial change of my appearance-we dove right into the differences between a gay person and a transgender person. As it turns out all the kids knew a friend with two "Daddies or two Mommies." 

From there I went into a "why me?" conversation. Of course the only answer I could give was I have no idea. I also added in I would not wish being trans on my worst enemy. I only cried once today as I said waking up in the morning not knowing if I wanted to be a boy or girl destroyed me for most of my life.

About that time I was losing the attention span of the eight year old, and he bailed. I went into the basics of HRT and that there were transgender men too.

Finally, before we ate, I explained to the ten year old boy and 13 year old girl the basic differences between gender and sex.

I have also said a number of times, I am not sure what I have done to deserve the incredible nurturing group of family and friends I have. But, as I told the group today-I can count on two hands the people I really care what they think of me, ( or not. )

I would hope my grand kids came away from today with the deeper message to believe in themselves. What goes around-comes around and I loved what came around today!  

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

Cyrsti's Condo "Dad?"

Dad-Imagine meeting you with my girlfriends at a drag show?
Wait a minute-did you shave your legs?

"Fear and Loathing in Ohio?"

Several days ago Stana on the Femulate blog wrote a post essentially about part of her yearly trip to Hamvention here in Dayton, Ohio called "Fear and Loathing in Ohio." 

Immediately I thought Whoa!!! basically, she worried about Ohio being (and I paraphrase) less than liberal and somewhat worried about traveling through it. I will let you get your own take on it because after being slightly miffed immediately, I began to think-Stana is right.

Selfishly, I have had tons of fear and loathing here as I opened the cross dressing door and began my transition to woman. On a much larger scale though Ohio is a melting pot of ideas and sometimes they just don't melt. I can see how that would frighten some-after all- there is a reason we are always a presidential battle ground. 

Plus, "Fear and Loathing" for each and everyone of us is yet another highly personal situation. I can't begin to express the terror I felt the first night I journeyed into a TGIF Fridays. Could I - would I be able to for the first time in my life express my feminine self. As is turns out-the evening was successful and the first of many. And, in a Dr. Phil moment- I have many more examples of "fear and loathing" in my book "Stilettos on Thin Ice."

So, it has been suggested on occasion the hormones cause me to become a little more bitchy. So I have calmed down now and agree-there is "Fear and Loathing" in Ohio! But rest assured, there are more and more "freedom fighters" out here on the frontier getting organized to make life easier for all transgender women and transgender men. 

I certainly don't live in a cushy liberal neighborhood but acceptance is worth the battle!