Looking Back and Forward

Following the weekend's intense activity, I finally have had an opportunity to reflect on life as I know it now.
Recapping just a bit, Saturday's burial of my outward male and emergence of my female self was intense to say the least. Sunday I sort of curled into a ball, Monday I worked diligently on all the projects I do and last night I went out for a drink to the place where much of my public coming out process happened.
I'm going to stop and quote a loving and giving quote from my Mom now: " Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes". As "non frilly" as that quote may seem-it's true.

Last night, I thought back on all the times I went to this very busy upscale sports bar in various "experimental" outfits and wigs. I've told whomever will listen (and some who won't) I was very much a trial and error transition person. (mostly error) I was fairly certain this feminine direction I was heading was the correct one but I had to find out for sure. One of the those moments occurred where I was last night. Years ago I was sitting there and this incredibly warm sense of well being came over me.  No, it wasn't the beer and I didn't have to run out and buy a store bought vagina- I just knew I found my true self.

At any rate, the last five years have been one hell of a trip. I went back to the dusty archives to pass along an ancient post from Cyrsti's Condo, called Weekend Update.  I was interested to see how completely I was into the psychical aspect of the moment...shaving legs, clothes etc. I won't pretend to say I'm not into the psychical aspect of being a woman now but it ceases to be the all encompassing factor. I guess it's important to me to look as good as I can but it's not the defining factor of my femininity. Again, I have been so lucky to have learned from a close group of genetic female friends currently and in the past on what a woman is and isn't.

As I look forward to the time I have left on this world, I'm incredibly excited what is around the next corner for me on this journey.  I'm never so sure what dose of positive karma brought me to this point. I compare my life as a human and a transgender person to an old school pin ball machine. Don't we all play this game?   Five silver balls and we are done- game over-see ya!  As hard as we try, we try to aim the silver balls and hope for big points. Skill is one thing though but what about luck and destiny? If you know those answers-please can I talk to you!!!!!

So looking forward, I'm hoping to have at least one or two balls left to play...and have as much fun as karma will let me!

I've Been A Girl My Whole Life

This is a portion of a quote I'm passing along called :"Super Progressive Mom Conquers Intimate Apparel" by Laurastina.  The rest of the quote is "and nobody noticed" and came from her transgender daughter.
This is a good read! Go here!

Transgender Music

Ever heard of Angelica Ross? Quite by accident I came across a site called trans-genre which spot lights transgender artists. Here is a part of Angelica's story:

"Angelica’s journey began when she graduated high school at the age of 17, to avoid 1 more year of spiritual torture. Angelica traveled, from Racine to Rochester, NY where she was recruited by the U.S. Navy. They knew this black blonde-haired boy didn’t belong when she showed up to the physical with her toenails painted, but they enrolled her anyway. Angelica spent 6 months in the military stationed in Yokusko, Japan which ended abruptly after she was almost killed by a few of her shipmates who hung her out of a 3rd story window to force her to admit she was gay. That was the catapult that gave Angelica the drive to begin to live her life for herself. When she got back on American soil, she began the transformation process at the age of 19 while living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Angelica then began a long career of modeling & acting under the radar. Her agency had no clue for years, until she confided in a gay booking agent at the agency, who became a friend and ally, in getting Angelica work in music videos, runway, and print & commercial, which took away some of the stress by having someone on the “inside” who knew and was looking out for her. But, Angelica would turn down work, after assessing certain jobs would be too stressful for her if anyone were to find out."

Go here for more!

Horror Scope!

It's time for another Cyrsti's Condo Horror Scope for all of us Libra's:

" Being gracious isn’t always the best way to deflect bullies. If you get a vicious one on your back, they will keep going until you crack. Of course, you won’t do that, at least in front of anyone, but do know what you are up against and know you will have to be at least five moves ahead to get any peace of mind over the next few weeks. Yes, you’ll be busy, to say the least." 

Needless to say I didn't enjoy the "bully" part of this!
As always, the "Horror Scope" term is my own and you can get your own from theFrisky

Anti Stealth Trans Woman

Seemingly, I'm starting to find several transgender video's of note to pass along to you.
Laverne Cox is certainly no stranger to the public eye and in this video she explains the process of owning her transgender status:

Culture Chic

Of course I walked away from last night's trip with daughter and friends to the HIV Aid's Benefit Show with more than a couple new impressions.
First of all if you ever have a chance to see a drag group called the Rubi Girls in the Dayton, Ohio area- do it!!! The group has been doing the particular show in Dayton for the past 17 years or so and has raised over a million dollars for Aid's research...Wow!
As I have said, I was invited by my 30 something daughter and we were joined by six or seven of her rather upscale suburban girl friends.
Ironically, I felt slightly out of place and ill at ease not because of my "trans-ness" but because of being totally out of touch with women raising pre teen kids. I was introduced as just another of the friends my daughter knew. One though had met me before and was told my story.  So more than likely in a couple days all of them will know I'm really a parent. The only real result could be the impact of other kids finding out my grand kids have a transgender grand parent.
The most amazing part to the whole evening was the turnout from the elementary school where a couple of my grand kids go to school. They turned out to see a fourth grade teacher from the school who is also a "Rubi Girl". Call me crazy (some do) but when I was in the fourth grade, a teacher doing a drag act would have not been too popular.
Dare I say last night the concept was cool and even chic. I also should mention he mentioned the school and the visiting group two or three times during the show.
At one point he even stopped the show to introduce a sexual/gender diversity professor from the University of Dayton.
So all in all I walked away from the evening with the feeling things are changing for the better from the kids up. Perhaps those who noticed I was transgender also noticed I was much different than the drag queens. But in the meantime I was more than happy to watch a dyamite show, see a glimpse of the future and be chic in the meantime!

Beautiful Sounds

One of Mexico's well known opera singers made the journey this year to Thailand to participate in the "Miss International Queen Pageant" and returned as her true self.
Her name is Morgana and she was trying to win the transgender beauty pageant to complete her SRS in Thailand. But of course she lost out in the competition but won out on the surgery. It turns out she was being followed by a documentary crew who was sucessful in getting much of the surgery fees waived.
Here's the video of the story:

A Free Man in Paris

Way back in the mid 70's Canadian folk rock singer Joni Mitchell wrote and sang a song called Free Man in Paris on an album (yes vinyl!) called Court and Spark.
The song to me always seemed to be an anthem to escaping life's pressures-if only for a second and if only in your mind. Here's an excerpt:

"I was a free man in Paris I felt unfettered and alive Nobody was calling me up for favors No one's future to decide."
and a little more:

"I deal in dreamers and telephone screamers Lately I wonder what I do it for If I had my way I'd just walk through those doors And wander down the Champs-Élysées Going café to cabaret Thinking how I'd feel when I find That very good friend of mine"

I know you are wondering where the heck I'm going with this.

In my head today, I'm walking down my version of the Champs-Elysees because yesterday was so incredibly mentally intense. In fact I did take a brisk morning walk in thirty degree temps with my dog around a few personal landmarks in my home town such as the church I was brought up in and the neighboring building which housed the draft board where I was sent off to South East Asia. (not for SRS but it was free!)
The buildings were obviously so far from the Champs-Elysees (I've been once) but not so far from the point.

It probably was the strong cold wind which was making my eyes tear up and not the hormones as I thought of the events of the day before. You regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo know I'm a huge sports fan.  Yesterday was the 109th rematch of the great The Ohio State/Michigan football rivalry game. Easily I have watched at least 45 of them with my brother and 27 with my spouse who passed almost five years ago. (She was a huge OSU fan too.) Sure I was happy Ohio State won but of course I was a bit saddened of the male past I was beginning to leave behind in increasingly huge chunks.

Why? Because in about three hours I was meeting my daughter, son in law and his brother as Cyrsti for the first time and being told the three grand kids know and heading out to an Aid's Benefit Show with six of her soccer mom friends. (more on that in another post). Incredibly, the day ended with a bang as a car on my busy street went out of control and hit a parked vehicle. BOOM! (True story and a fitting close to the day.)

So today I'm in my own "Free Man in Paris" mode, pretty much emotionally shot but internally charged. I can only describe my mental and psychical state to one of those incredibly busy 12 hour restaurant shifts I used to work-emotionally spent but adrenalin sparked.

By tomorrow I certainly will have time to filter all of yesterday through and get back to my own version of normal! Finally. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Jessica from France who reads the blog and can wander up and down the streets of Paris.

Quote of the Day

The latest Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day" comes from the world of sports:

"Ohio State's defense is turning Michigan over like a bakery shop!"- Paul Keels comment during The Ohio State/Michigan rivalry game yesterday which Ohio State went on to win...again.
Paul Keels is the announcer for The Ohio State radio network.