So You Want to be a Girl Part II

As promised, "The attack of the Toilet Paper Monster!"
As I was told by a genetic female friend of mine, "TP" is not always a girl's best friend and we all learn the hard way!
This happened to me a couple years ago when I was out and about shopping till I dropped and had to potty.
I was in one of the big box stores when the urge hit and I headed for the restrooms. Fortuanately, the women's room was deserted and I took care of business, washed my hands, checked my hair and headed back out into the store.
I was about half way to the entrance when a clerk came up behind  me and said "Mam, Mam"! Naturally, my first reaction was I was going to be busted for using the bathroom but no I wasn't.
She very nicely pointed out to me the two foot length of toilet paper I was using as a tail. OMG was I embarrassed!
I guess I know now that women are doing a little more than checking to see how their rear ends look in those jeans in the rest room mirrors. They are checking to see if that mean old "TP Monster" didn't attack!

Telling Others- The Real Problem?

When you anticipate telling a loved one that you are a transsexual woman or man for the first time you have to look at the obvious. The person you are will make one of the most dramatic changes known to man. You will change genders.
Of course that fact alone makes the choice to tell the most dramatic life changing event of your life.
Let's look closer, take the experience a bit further and then step back and look at a couple of other factors: deception and trust.
Deception of course leads to trust. No matter how you approach it, you deceived some one.
Take me for an example. One of my first dates with the woman who turned out to become my wife of 25 years was to a huge Halloween party. We went to two or three straight bars with me dressed totally female. It was a wonderful night but was the beginning of a giant cover up. I presented myself to her as a guy who just liked to dress in women's clothes and just happened to be pretty good doing it. I can make an excuse (Excuses are like opinions, everyone one has too many of them and most are worthless in the real world.) Here's mine anyway: I didn't know how deep my transgendered leanings went (not even a well known word then). So true at that time but worthless to me now.
I was feeling attracted to her and she was somewhat accepting of my "hobby" so life was good! Well, in the short term it was. Long term it wasn't. 
Call it what you will, by not telling her then my attraction to everything feminine was much more than an innocent past time was a deception.
This deception led to a trust issue overtime. Not only did I "dress" on occasions she knew about I started to sneak around and do it when she didn't know. Of course I was discovered on several occasions which led to huge problems with trust. Does this sound familiar? Did it lead you to yet another "purge" when you threw away  everything feminine?  You didn't even trust yourself.
By this time my life took on many of the characteristics of a classic comedy show when one lie leads to more and more-except there is nothing funny! Finally my comedy show was coming to an end. Both my wife and I knew where the train was headed. Before it arrived, she died. No matter how bad the situation, just seeing tomorrow gives you the chance to do something about it. That's all you can ask for. The chance to tell your loved one you couldn't really help the deceptions. They tore you up!
So now it's time for your truth.  It's time to throw yourself on the sword. Tell your loved one and save yourself. This is the "Titantic" going down and you need a life raft. How do you ever expect a loved to at least toss you a line?
Why didn't you tell them before the life you built? Didn't you trust them enough? Shouldn't they had a chance to make a decision then about the process. 
Here's our dilemma.  In the great majority of cases, we didn't know enough about ourselves to know what to trust someone with. I didn't know thirty some years ago at that Halloween party, I was going to end up here on my transgendered journey.
The second biggest problem is we all had or have enough male brainwashing in us to believe we could tough it out.  Marriage and kids would certainly make us whole again and get the "monkey off the back".
Communicating all of this is exceedingly difficult. You need tools to soften the blow-information and time.
More than likely, any woman who is close to you can sense a problem. Ideally, when she finally asks you "Is there someone else" or "Are you leaving me?" you don't want to blow up and say "I want to be a girl and I'm leaving for Thailand" Monday. You may now call me "Bobbi" instead of "Bob".
A better choice is to plan ahead and start compiling information concerning spouses and transgendered women and men. There is a wealth of knowledge available on line and even in book stores. "My Husband Betty" comes to mind immediately.
All of this of course is contingent on if you make it through the initial gender change shock. This is where space and time comes in. Don't force the issue. Try to make it clear this is not anything the spouse did right or wrong. The situation has nothing to do with trust. You didn't understand the scope of the gender issue.
Then step back. Think of the time it has taken most of us to understand the life we are in. Let alone someone else.
Slowly begin to offer information when you can and hope for the best.
If you can convey you are trusting them with all your inner self, then you can build even a better life together!

****Disclaimer! This is only a true reflection of my life and experiences. It is a reaction to several of you  who have written to me concerning telling your spouse.  Do not try this at home unless you have an idea of where you want to go and how to get there!


 

What Would You Do With a Transgender Child?

ABC asked the very question on their show "What Would You Do?"
Of course you have to sit through the commercial but the video does have an interesting twist about half way through. The cynic in me says it was probably set up but still effective.

New Transgendered "Mollywood" Starlet.

Have you ever heard of "Mollywood"? For you cynical Americans, no it is not part of "Dollywood" in Tennesee! For those who don't know, "Dollywood" is named after country music star "Dolly Parton" who is known for her big busted figure and big blond hair. She also is known for corrupting a whole generation of crossdressers trying to dress like her at the mall! BUT!
One of the benefits of writing this blog is gaining a world wide perspective on all things transgendered and transsexual.
My latest "learning" experience comes from a publication called "The Deccan" Chronicles:

"It is an exciting phase for the Malayalam film industry, with new experiments on format and theme. One such experiment will see the birth of the first transgender star of Mollywood. Playing the lead will be Kalki, a writer, filmmaker and activist based in Chennai. Earlier, she had played the heroine in the Tamil movie Narthaki, which highlighted the problems of transgenders.

"Kalki"

The Malayalam movie, which will also throw light on the problems faced by transgenders, will be made under the banner of Ramkan Productions. While producer Ms Halin confirms that Kalki will play the lead, she says casting for the other actors is still on. “My Malayalam debut is going to be really special because I appear in a very poignant role and the theme is very interesting,” says Kalki, who made a visit in connection with the film."

"Kalki" has some very deep ideas of the way transgendered individuals are treated in her culture. Follow the link for more!

Those Damn Trees Again!

Is "minutia" a word? If it is, can I please use it to describe how the transgendered community takes an initial relevant point and proceeds to grind it into dust. By the time two or three of us are cat fighting  over the same point that was beaten to death all over the web days, weeks or months earlier-those damn trees are in the way and we can't see the forest again!
Just when I get frustrated enough to scream, along comes an article such as this from an unlikely place; Winona State University in Minnesota.
It's a very long and complex article. Read it here.

So You DON'T Want to be a Girl!

I have two friends who identify on the "cusp" of ftm transsexuality. Until I met them, I had very little knowledge of the "Super Butch" end of the lesbian culture.
One thought did occur to me that I was similar to them on the other end of the gender spectrum.  I operate as my chosen gender without actual surgery and so do they in many ways-I think. Obviously I can't speak for them. I do watch with interest their interaction with the lesbian community. Again, I compare it to my limited interaction with the male gay folks.
Of course, as with everything in this internet/social media driven world,  others have concerned themselves with way ftm trans men interact with the lesbian community. It comes from Canada's "Xtra".
Here's an excerpt:

"The female to male trans community has long found refuge in the lesbian community but the trans community's growth is causing some re-thinking of the relationship, according to some activists.

“The comment I hear a lot is there aren’t going to be any butches anymore because they are all going to turn into men,” says author and activist Patrick Califia.

“I think that the truth is that as the trans community becomes more visible it is going to impact the structure of the lesbian community."

If you go to the link there is a video attached also!

So You Want to be a Girl?

A friend of mine (genetic female) gave me an idea for a couple posts which are fun to look back on but were not so funny at the time.
Every once in  a while I will chat with a novice trans person who is fairly sure that beautiful feminine creature staring back at her from her mirror at home is enough to establish her life in the world.
Of course "back in the day" I felt much the same way. To make matters worse, I felt the female gender had it so much easier. Back in those days, girls didn't get drafted, just had to wait for guys to ask them out-blah, blah blah.
Along the way, I found those thoughts were as much fiction as a "Stephen King" novel.
A couple of the more amusing incidents involved uniquely feminine experiences with toilet paper and high heels.
The high heel one is very common to any woman who has worn heels for any length of time.  Except I had to do it different.  My copy of the book "High Heels for Dummy's" told me about being careful for the occasional sidewalk grate and the occasional chip in the concrete. What I didn't see in the fine print was the warning about the extreme danger presented by those nasty little concrete grooves in a busy mall. 
Yes, there I was attempting to be elegantly,nonchalantly beautiful in my heels and hose; cheerfully minding my own business until-BAM! One of my shoes got firmly stuck in a crack so small only my heel could find it and the gorgeous creature (in my mind) came to a screeching halt. Not only did she come to a stop, so did the line of people walking behind her.
By this time my priorites had changed from shopping to damage control. Of course I had to pry the shoe from the crack while the world watched and then try to slide it back on without falling over!
Long story short, life went on and I learned very dramatically heel lesson #12 on page 40.
Oh, by the way I'm sure you know I was making up the book but the story is true. Just like the toilet paper story in the next post.

Transgendered Mid-Life Crisis?

I have heard of more than a few transgendered women who have said something "clicked" in them and they began their cross gender journey.
The vast majority of the trans folks I know though knew at an early age there was something "different" in their perception of the gender world.
I'm over 60 and several of my best friends over the years believe my "mid-life" crisis started when I was crying over a beer on my 30th birthday.
Transgendered or not, I believe 30 is the hardest birthday. Like it or not, youth is behind you and mid life is lurking around a not too distant future.
Using myself as an example, I knew I was becoming more than a "weekend crossdresser". I was experiencing a growing dissatisfaction with my feelings as a transgendered person. Just putting on women's clothes just didn't cut it anymore.
I know I'm no different than many of you. Other not so minor happenings in your life such as kids, career, spouse and mortgage become equally distracting.
During this period, transgendered or transsexual leanings are often buried very deeply.
As mid-life approaches, our pressures increase to an often intolerable rate. "It's now or never" becomes a real possibility  as you begin to speculate on the number of days you have left in this life.
All of the sudden, being a husband, provider and "Good Old Dad" isn't enough and the guilt sets in.
Was your life worth being dishonest about your transgendered leanings over the years worth it?  Now are you not only considering a gender change you are considering your own basic truths. You may have lived an upstanding honest life except for this?
The unlucky ones commit suicide at this point. The lucky ones discover a support structure they never dreamed of.
Then, there some like me. Life or destiny or whatever stripped me of nearly everything dear and gave me a real midlife crisis. At the center of the vacuum sat my choice of gender. It was my choice to go the direction I felt most comfortable doing. Somehow my karma told me if I did go the female path I would need to pay the process forward to others or fail.So here I am for the most part looking back at my mid life crisis and trying desperately for words of wisdom.
Here we go:
There is no easy answer to the mid life monster staring you down.
IF you can get out and explore any part of a feminine existence outside of your house DO IT! Try not to make any assumptions of what you think and assume living as a woman maybe like.  For the most part you will be wrong.
Seek a therapist if you are sure everyone in your life will reject you and then maybe hold therapy as an option with a spouse- after you tell her.
Stay out of WalMart and malls in a tiny mini skirt and 4" heels.
Most importantly, follow your soul. Don't assume it is damaged after all the years hiding yourself from everyone. And-
"May the force be with you!"

Quite Possibly One of the Best Posts I've Seen.

Rarely have I read someone who puts the Trans-profiling dilemma in such concise and concrete words.
Go here to read it!
Here's a clue. The post comes from "Stana" at "Femulate" of course!