Telling Others- The Real Problem?
When you anticipate telling a loved one that you are a transsexual woman or man for the first time you have to look at the obvious. The person you are will make one of the most dramatic changes known to man. You will change genders.
Of course that fact alone makes the choice to tell the most dramatic life changing event of your life.
Let's look closer, take the experience a bit further and then step back and look at a couple of other factors: deception and trust.
Deception of course leads to trust. No matter how you approach it, you deceived some one.
Take me for an example. One of my first dates with the woman who turned out to become my wife of 25 years was to a huge Halloween party. We went to two or three straight bars with me dressed totally female. It was a wonderful night but was the beginning of a giant cover up. I presented myself to her as a guy who just liked to dress in women's clothes and just happened to be pretty good doing it. I can make an excuse (Excuses are like opinions, everyone one has too many of them and most are worthless in the real world.) Here's mine anyway: I didn't know how deep my transgendered leanings went (not even a well known word then). So true at that time but worthless to me now.
I was feeling attracted to her and she was somewhat accepting of my "hobby" so life was good! Well, in the short term it was. Long term it wasn't.
Call it what you will, by not telling her then my attraction to everything feminine was much more than an innocent past time was a deception.
This deception led to a trust issue overtime. Not only did I "dress" on occasions she knew about I started to sneak around and do it when she didn't know. Of course I was discovered on several occasions which led to huge problems with trust. Does this sound familiar? Did it lead you to yet another "purge" when you threw away everything feminine? You didn't even trust yourself.
By this time my life took on many of the characteristics of a classic comedy show when one lie leads to more and more-except there is nothing funny! Finally my comedy show was coming to an end. Both my wife and I knew where the train was headed. Before it arrived, she died. No matter how bad the situation, just seeing tomorrow gives you the chance to do something about it. That's all you can ask for. The chance to tell your loved one you couldn't really help the deceptions. They tore you up!
So now it's time for your truth. It's time to throw yourself on the sword. Tell your loved one and save yourself. This is the "Titantic" going down and you need a life raft. How do you ever expect a loved to at least toss you a line?
Why didn't you tell them before the life you built? Didn't you trust them enough? Shouldn't they had a chance to make a decision then about the process.
Here's our dilemma. In the great majority of cases, we didn't know enough about ourselves to know what to trust someone with. I didn't know thirty some years ago at that Halloween party, I was going to end up here on my transgendered journey.
The second biggest problem is we all had or have enough male brainwashing in us to believe we could tough it out. Marriage and kids would certainly make us whole again and get the "monkey off the back".
Communicating all of this is exceedingly difficult. You need tools to soften the blow-information and time.
More than likely, any woman who is close to you can sense a problem. Ideally, when she finally asks you "Is there someone else" or "Are you leaving me?" you don't want to blow up and say "I want to be a girl and I'm leaving for Thailand" Monday. You may now call me "Bobbi" instead of "Bob".
A better choice is to plan ahead and start compiling information concerning spouses and transgendered women and men. There is a wealth of knowledge available on line and even in book stores. "My Husband Betty" comes to mind immediately.
All of this of course is contingent on if you make it through the initial gender change shock. This is where space and time comes in. Don't force the issue. Try to make it clear this is not anything the spouse did right or wrong. The situation has nothing to do with trust. You didn't understand the scope of the gender issue.
Then step back. Think of the time it has taken most of us to understand the life we are in. Let alone someone else.
Slowly begin to offer information when you can and hope for the best.
If you can convey you are trusting them with all your inner self, then you can build even a better life together!
****Disclaimer! This is only a true reflection of my life and experiences. It is a reaction to several of you who have written to me concerning telling your spouse. Do not try this at home unless you have an idea of where you want to go and how to get there!
Of course that fact alone makes the choice to tell the most dramatic life changing event of your life.
Let's look closer, take the experience a bit further and then step back and look at a couple of other factors: deception and trust.
Deception of course leads to trust. No matter how you approach it, you deceived some one.
Take me for an example. One of my first dates with the woman who turned out to become my wife of 25 years was to a huge Halloween party. We went to two or three straight bars with me dressed totally female. It was a wonderful night but was the beginning of a giant cover up. I presented myself to her as a guy who just liked to dress in women's clothes and just happened to be pretty good doing it. I can make an excuse (Excuses are like opinions, everyone one has too many of them and most are worthless in the real world.) Here's mine anyway: I didn't know how deep my transgendered leanings went (not even a well known word then). So true at that time but worthless to me now.
I was feeling attracted to her and she was somewhat accepting of my "hobby" so life was good! Well, in the short term it was. Long term it wasn't.
Call it what you will, by not telling her then my attraction to everything feminine was much more than an innocent past time was a deception.
This deception led to a trust issue overtime. Not only did I "dress" on occasions she knew about I started to sneak around and do it when she didn't know. Of course I was discovered on several occasions which led to huge problems with trust. Does this sound familiar? Did it lead you to yet another "purge" when you threw away everything feminine? You didn't even trust yourself.
By this time my life took on many of the characteristics of a classic comedy show when one lie leads to more and more-except there is nothing funny! Finally my comedy show was coming to an end. Both my wife and I knew where the train was headed. Before it arrived, she died. No matter how bad the situation, just seeing tomorrow gives you the chance to do something about it. That's all you can ask for. The chance to tell your loved one you couldn't really help the deceptions. They tore you up!
So now it's time for your truth. It's time to throw yourself on the sword. Tell your loved one and save yourself. This is the "Titantic" going down and you need a life raft. How do you ever expect a loved to at least toss you a line?
Why didn't you tell them before the life you built? Didn't you trust them enough? Shouldn't they had a chance to make a decision then about the process.
Here's our dilemma. In the great majority of cases, we didn't know enough about ourselves to know what to trust someone with. I didn't know thirty some years ago at that Halloween party, I was going to end up here on my transgendered journey.
The second biggest problem is we all had or have enough male brainwashing in us to believe we could tough it out. Marriage and kids would certainly make us whole again and get the "monkey off the back".
Communicating all of this is exceedingly difficult. You need tools to soften the blow-information and time.
More than likely, any woman who is close to you can sense a problem. Ideally, when she finally asks you "Is there someone else" or "Are you leaving me?" you don't want to blow up and say "I want to be a girl and I'm leaving for Thailand" Monday. You may now call me "Bobbi" instead of "Bob".
A better choice is to plan ahead and start compiling information concerning spouses and transgendered women and men. There is a wealth of knowledge available on line and even in book stores. "My Husband Betty" comes to mind immediately.
All of this of course is contingent on if you make it through the initial gender change shock. This is where space and time comes in. Don't force the issue. Try to make it clear this is not anything the spouse did right or wrong. The situation has nothing to do with trust. You didn't understand the scope of the gender issue.
Then step back. Think of the time it has taken most of us to understand the life we are in. Let alone someone else.
Slowly begin to offer information when you can and hope for the best.
If you can convey you are trusting them with all your inner self, then you can build even a better life together!
****Disclaimer! This is only a true reflection of my life and experiences. It is a reaction to several of you who have written to me concerning telling your spouse. Do not try this at home unless you have an idea of where you want to go and how to get there!
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