Was It Worth It? Just Another Guy?

I had a response to a post which started something like "Here we go again, another guy who started hormones late in life".
Of course first of all I took the comment as a personal cheap shot and shot back some babble.
But you know, if I put myself out here on this blog that is going to happen. Get over it Cyrsti.
(I need to add I do so much enjoy your comments pro or con.)
As I said, I took this comment personally until I started to think-"well it's true, I am just another guy who started hormones late in life and decided to write about it". Somehow  the fact I quit thinking of myself as a   guy years ago was  lost in the shuffle.
Whatever, I  then took my thoughts a step further and wondered how I got here and was it worth it?
No matter if you are a fully changed transsexual woman or man or a weekend crossdresser at the Holiday Inn Express (which I was accused of) we all have our own very heavy crosses to bear.
Here's how mine was heavy. (I know some of you long time readers will recognize some of this but I'm compelled  to repeat it.)
I started the way many of you did. I knew at a very early age I had something  wrong with my perception of gender. Unlike many of you I grew up in a pre Internet era to WWII/Depression Generation parents.
Yes I did try to come out to my Mom and she recommended electro shock therapy. (Really).
So I tried my best to be the best male I could. Played football, got good grades, went to college and got drafted in the Vietnam War. You know the war that never happened.
 I lived on with the torment of two genders pulling at me but I survived and tried to drink it away.
Then the pieces of the future I could never see began to fall into place. 
When I was discharged from the Army, I really thought about a full time life as a woman. Then crazy things started to happen like a daughter with my first wife who knew all about my gender problems. So I chose not to go the female route and I was the weekend crossdresser for years. It got me by. Sure it was a bandage
on a huge wound.
I can use the years all of this was occurring in the late 70's-early 80's as an excuse. I can't tell you for sure how available hormones and the like were then-still no Internet to buy bootleg drugs from who knows where?
At the age of 30, I lost a business, a wife a couple rental properties and moved to the NYC area with my second wife who also knew of my gender problems. Do you remember how much fun the "recession" was in the early 80's?
The torment went on, but this time I found a new way to get through it. I moved and started to work very hard with my second wife.
She was by my side for 27 years putting up with my sometimes "nasty" temperament when the gender war inside became too great. Through it all she became more than a wife. She became my best friend.
She passed four years ago so I can't ask her "was it worth it" that I didn't go the distance as a girl? All I do know is she had a pretty good idea her husband and best friend would be just another guy taking hormones later in life because I would finally find some inner piece.
Now re-enter daughter. The choice I made not to live a female life before she was conceived proved to be such a blessing today. She totally accepts my decision.
Looking back, karma or destiny or what ever you want to call it gave me the daughter and two wonderful wives as a reward for the gender torment that became so much a part of my life. So being able to be just another guy who is starting hormones later in life was worth it.
My way of repayment is attempting to tell my story for others to see.  No one has to agree or follow in my footsteps, there is  no right or wrong way to live a trans life.
I'm 62 and just retired to write and sell collectibles and yes feminize my body.   Ironically I was 31 when my life changed so radically years ago. To make the whole situation even more spooky is again I lost a wife and a business at this part of my life- and once again I have discovered another person who accepts me for the person I am.
So yes, it's me "just another guy who is starting hormones late in life". Just another guy who spent  a life longing to be the other gender. I worked long and hard to express my inner female long before hormones even came into the picture. If  that makes me less of a trans woman somehow- so be it. I'm thanking  God or karma or whatever to have the chance to be where I'm at today.
Was it worth it? Hell yes.  Could I have been selfish and sacrificed the ones I loved to do this earlier? Hell yes. Am I happy I didn't? Hell yes.
Does the inner girl who has always been with me like it? Hell Yes!!!!

Another Feminine Myth?

The number one feminine mystique is the bathroom. My opinion is that women who want to protect their "Alamo" from a trans woman are just trying to perpetuate the rumor that something magical happens behind the closed doors of the bathroom-other than the obvious.
The number two most misunderstood gender mystique is a woman's purse. A purse can come in many sizes from very small to a veritable suitcase. In many ways a woman's handbag can say as much about her as anything other part of her external being.
A well worn bag could represent a woman who has a family and spends her time and resources on them. On the other hand a plain girl with a glitzy purse could be showing a glimpse of a more adventurous inner self.
Regardless of all of that, what does a woman carry in that purse anyhow?
As I become more experienced in "hand bag" basics, here is what I need in my purse to survive in the world.
Of course I need my ID's and and my bank card as I try to carry very little cash. Even though I don't deal with credit cards I seemingly accumulate other plastic cards at an alarming rate. From grocery stores, to gas stations to the various restaurants I go to-everyone offers a card. Yes I do use them and I'm fairly sure I have a million bonus points and my own personal jet waiting for me when I cash in.
Then there is the makeup. I wish I could say I was a "natural beauty" and didn't need makeup.....
For added weight I always make sure I save my change. I never know when my financial empire is going to crash and I will need those coins!
To be certain I can never find my keys or anything else in my purse (karma for all the years I made fun of women) I make sure I throw all kinds of miscellaneous things in for fun.
Of course there are the feminine hygiene products I carry in case I run into someone elses' monthly emergency in the bathroom. Or how about several receipts I don't know even where they came from mixed in with a few Kleenex's?
Now I understand why the contents of a woman's purse was always such an off limits subject.  Explaining to someone the whys and hows of what's in the bag would give away the obvious. I need everything in there for my life...DUH!
Don't be sticking your hand in there...something could bite you!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame!

One of the most satisfying parts of my gender journey has been the ease of "merging" the interests of my male self into my female life.
Of course, music and movies are easy but my sports fanaticism has been more of a challenge.
Becoming the girl with the little extra knowledge of sports has been fun on occasion and I have learned to temper my actions and reactions quite a bit!
If you happen to live in the Northern tier of the United States into Canada, I'm sure your winter has been pretty much non existent like mine.
Now, since the pro baseball teams are preparing to report for spring training, warmer weather and summer aren't so far off.
I'm a baseball fan and it probably ranks just below football as my favorite sport. The problem I always had was how I could present myself at a hot summer game.
Sleeveless tops and shorts were pretty much out of the question due to body/hair issues.
This summer of course, all of those restrictions have been removed and I have a friend who can't wait to go to the games too.
Even my team (Cincinnati Reds) have even improved themselves during the off season.
So even though I know "spring has not sprung" here yet, I'm dreaming of the girls watching the "boys of summer"!

Keeping a Breast of the Situation

Following my last post which turned out to be a rant with no answer, it's time to get back to a kinder and gentler life.
This morning I finished my own "breast exam" and came away feeling (no pun intended) a definite increase in the girls.
The girls and my hair are to the point where I can visualize where the future will take me and I'm excited!
My most difficult task is to go on with life and let the changes just happen as they happen.
Slight changes are usually evident.
After my initial huge hot flash, I've experienced several smaller ones-not unlike aftershocks from a major earthquake.
Curiously, "the girls" changed course and all of the sudden are feeling really tight after an initial looseness.
I'm sure there are plenty of you here that can offer suggestions.
Also, this is as good a time as any to say I do value your inputs. I don't care if you identify as a crossdresser, transgendered or transsexual person (male or female).
Together, you all combine to help make my experience a total circle and I thank you!

Trans Not Gay?

Has the transgendered nation earned the right to ask or demand our release from the so called LBGT umbrella?
In reality how did we end up there anyhow? Must have been one hell of a rainstorm?
Isn't our mantra "sex is between the legs and gender is between the ears"?
Truthfully there are two factors which keep us under the leaky umbrella. The biggest truth is we as a trans nation don't have a powerful enough national organization to effect change. To make matters worse the trans community as a whole can't even quit bickering enough to accept each other.
A leaky umbrella has the potential to keep us dryer than none at all.
The other truth is so many of the trans community are still in the closet or are out and living stealth. I'm not throwing rocks in a glass closet because I'm not totally out.
Here's an idea for our own trans umbrella. We could call it the TTC.-Transsexual/Transgendered/Crossdresser Alliance. Of course the cross dressers would have less of a voice because as a group they are less vocal and the transsexuals would have a bigger voice since they have gone through more pain and expense.
It doesn't matter because as they say in the old country "Hey dude, that ain't happenin"!
I know what you are thinking  "Put your actions where your words are". Unfortunately I don't have the knowledge or the resources to even know how to start such an undertaking. I just do the best I can with my little blog in the vast Internet universe.
On the other hand the whole situation frustrates and even angers me.
The bottom line is the transgendered nation will probably remain mired in petty internal disputes unlike the others under the umbrella.  Is there a pecking order in the male gay community if you are an effeminate or macho gay guy . In the lesbian community do butches consider themselves better than femmes? Probably not to the extent transsexuals have the tendency to build their own pedestals in trans nation.
So maybe we don't deserve more room under the umbrella until we grow up and attempt to understand each other first. How can we ask for acceptance when we don't even accept each other?

A Painful First!

OK, I knew the feminine path I'm experiencing would have more than it's share of painful lessons.
Over the years I have experimented with such torture as "taping" and such and discovered I hated it. Hormones have started breast soreness and hot flashes.
I attempted to keep my whining to a minimum and I did-until now.
A couple days ago, I developed some sort of arm injury in my upper bicep. How bad was it? Torture when I tried to even put a bra on. So, this is what women go through when they have something as simple as an "ouchy" arm?
Another one of those obscure girl lessons learned and one of the painful ones!

Never Go To The Grocery Store Hungry!

Everything looks good at a grocery store when you are hungry.
Quite a few things look good too when you are growing your own hair.
I just got out of the car when I noticed the tall strawberry blond across the parking lot putting her groceries in the car. I really admired her soft curls blowing in the wind and wondered how it will feel when my own hair grows to that length or longer.  Hopefully as long as the next woman I admired in the store. She was "more mature"( like me) and was brushing her long straight silver streaked hair from her face with her hand. I can only imagine how long it has taken for her hair to grow that full and long!
Of course most of the women in the store were wearing that "who really cares" wind blown look. Many more were respectable in pulled back pony tails and a few shorter styles framing their faces.
The best part of the whole experience is knowing now sooner more than later I will be able to color and style my own hair-and make my own choices.
As it turns out, shopping for food was secondary to hair fashion research!

Merry "Smootch!" Day to You!

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you!
Aside from the commercial "gooey push" for the occasion I prefer to look at the day as a time to reflect on those who found their way into my heart over the last year.
As you might expect, it is much easier to put my feelings down in words than to vocalize them.
Two individuals in particular were recently able to open my soul again in ways I never thought possible!
One was my daughter and the other- a chance encounter.
Sure, if you equate Valentines Day with Christmas, there are many great people in my life to think about but only the two who have given me the greatest gift of all.
Now, don't get me wrong.  Stuffing all those cards in envelopes and exchanging flowers and candy is neat and cool but the special valentines go out with a real heart.
On this Valentines Day I hope you have enough "heart" to go around!!!!
Merry "Smootch Day" to all of you!!!!!

"Two Spirit Ranch"

I have my copy of the new trans-romance novel "Two Spirit Ranch" by Jaime Stryker.
The difference with Jamie's novel is it's aimed at a mainstream audience.
In my past I have read "transgender fiction". Most of what I have seen or read is aimed more at a erotic/sexual reader-not a romantic one.
I am going to take advantage of our snowy weather coming up this week and get romantic with the book!
In the meantime you can follow the link above to the "Amazon" site above or take a look below.

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Book Description

Publication Date: January 18, 2012

In this groundbreaking romance novel, Terri Lawson, an alluring young attorney, has it all. She’s on the fast-track at her firm, widely recognized for her pro bono work, and has a handsome suitor, who she’s sure has marriage on his mind. But when her boyfriend abruptly calls off their relationship and her favorite uncle passes away, she suddenly find herself losing all that was important to her. Not sure where to turn next, Terri heads off for a trip to small town Clearview, Montana to explore the sprawling ranch her uncle left her. It’s there that Terri while speeding down the highway has a run in with the ruggedly handsome sheriff, Jake Collins. As the two find their mutual attraction too strong to deny, Terri, who had only planned to be in town a few days, finds herself wondering if she can risk opening her heart again and sharing a secret from her past with Jake. ..Terri was once Terrence. Debut novelist Jaime Stryker presents not only a romance with a transgendered heroine but a tale of true love and acceptance.

 

Check it out!!!!!!