Take Me Out To the Ballgame!

I'm certainly not the first transgender girl to go to an NFL game and hopefully I won't be the last. It's a god given right to love football if you are a guy or a girl or both!
Yes I did go to a Monday night NFL game with 3 friends.  My initial reaction was WOW - this trip is not for the faint of heart!
I have been to a bunch of games, but never as a girl. So I knew what to expect from the other side.
Game time temperature was about 55 degrees which was beautiful for Cincinnati in November. I was able to wear flats, jeans and a vest coat over a sweater. That's all good.
We had a great parking pass and only had to walk through one tailgate area. My major problem was   worrying about how my hair looked. LoL! On the other hand,  I just couldn't loosen up and feel the moment. Remember, a couple years ago, you couldn't have convinced me to do this.
At this point we are moving with the mob of people into the stadium and through a security checkpoint. We all had to open our jackets for a pat down. Not much choice but I tried to pick a younger female guard.  She patted me down and knew I wasn't all I appeared to be and kind of smiled as I went through and on to the ticket gate. Internally, I breathed a sigh of relief although I didn't really think this spot would be a problem.
The ticket taker was a breeze since they never look up anyhow and we all got into to the stadium as a group.
One of the other two women had to use the bathroom, so I rounded us up some beers while she was in there. I went to one of the vendors just selling out of his case and he did look up enough to see he didn't have to card me. Good, but not a compliment?
At this point the theme of the evening was being set. Yes I did get some recognition but not much and no real negatives. The problem was still me! I didn't have enough courage to use the restroom to check my look I felt as if I was flying blind.
The good thing was I didn't have time to dwell on it as we were headed for our seats and they were excellent!  We were within a comfortable distance of the field and sitting around a more "upscale" clientele.  I only had to shuffle past four older guys to get to my seat and they showed no signs of recognition. I did think I heard "that's a dude" on the way down the steps, but I can't be sure.
At this point, I had mixed emotions. If you are a sports fan and are in a NFL Stadium, they do it right. It's a spectacle and I was excited to be there! BUT those damn lights were not doing me any favors! I did manage to pull out my compact and sneak a peek and that was a mistake! Too late to run and hide!
Game time was still about ten minutes away and the camera that travels on the wires above the field was roving all over. If you never have seen one, it is about 50' above the field and has tremendous flexibility on where they can go with it. Well, here's my fantasy story of the evening. I was watching it as it came to our area of the stands and literally stopped right in front of us. So here was "Big Brother" staring at me! Now, logic dictates the camera was shooting the whole section and the live broadcast of the game hadn't even started yet. But logic also could dictate the control room guys had spotted the TG girl in the crowd. It's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Finally the game got started and everyone decided to stand through the whole half.  Not so much a problem but I'm glad I'm wore the comfortable flats and not my new boots! The best part was that no one in the section was really giving me a second glance. Maybe this won't be so bad after all? I still had a long way to go however and  the next big decision was coming up. Do I stay put or go during halftime?
Well, I didn't have to "go" so I stayed put. I got out my cell phone and got busy sending some pix of the stadium and text's to friends. Many of which didn't know "how" I attended the game.
If you don't know, NFL halftimes aren't very long and everyone was back and ready for the second half. With the new half a few new problems appeared. One of which was sitting next to my friend who got the tix. He switched seats with a friend and was very obnoxious.  He was bothering her about her Steeler" coat and looking over her shoulder at me. I kept thinking "here it comes" but it never did from him. The worst that ever happened was some guys behind me tapping me on my shoulder for a "high 5" or two. In addition, there were three or four middle aged guys a couple rows down who would look over their shoulders and lean in and talk.
So! All of this could have been just paranoia.
As we were leaving, I had a guy stop be and thought he knew me and an obnoxious woman get in my face and stare. That was it.
Bottom line is I'm really happy that I went. I'm really unhappy I didn't ALLOW myself to enjoy it more.Yes,  the major determination of you being able to do this is how you look but there is so much more.
I'm very sure there will be a next time. Everyone in the group seemed to really enjoy themselves and the lady who got the tix and I get along well.
The only problem I see is the next invite is mine!
The next time I will relax and be me!

"Old" Quote of the Day!

From "M. Butterfly":
Song Liling: Comrade! Why in Beijing opera are woman's roles traditionally played by men?
 Comrade Chin: I don't know. Most probably a remnant of the reactionary and patriarchal social structure.
Song Liling: No. It's because only a man knows how a woman is supposed to act.

Kind of says it all?

I Touched A Girl.

As I left work last night, I figured I could actually go out and enjoy myself alone...with others. Get a seat, watch a couple of the late college football games and sort of "zone" out.
Good plan until I got to my pub and found only two seats open at the whole bar. One of which had a jacket on it. A woman was standing one seat away from the open one so I asked her was the seat taken? She was every bit as tall as me and we locked eyes as she verbally bitched slapped me with "yes, and I'm sitting there!" I really didn't know (or care) if she read me as TG or just another woman invading her space. I wasn't asking about that seat anyhow and just took the next one down.
About five minutes later she turned back to me and said she knew me and we had talked in another spot. Did I remember her? I wanted to desperately and finally did. One afternoon we had sat close to each other in a tavern downtown. At that time I had mentally labeled her as either bi or gay . She is very attractive in an assertive way. I followed her lead (with my own personal confidence) and we got along and talked until her brother came to pick her up.I figured I wouldn't probably see her again. Until last night!
We chatted for awhile and she introduced me to her 3 friends and they went on their way. I thought they had left until about a half hour later someone was lightly rubbing my back and saying "pretty lady". Fortunately it was her. I obviously thanked her and ordered another beer.
This time I could see her in the mirror and was trying to muster enough courage to return the "touch" on the way out. Assuming I left before her.  I always (in both genders) have never had the courage to do this. Until last night.
I paid my tab and walked by her group on the way out.. I stopped and lightly brushed her bare arm with my fingernails and said "thanks and I'll see you!" I kept on walking and she said wait and motioned me back. I got a hug and a chance to talk to the group for a couple minutes.
I'm so glad a finally found the courage to step forward a little with others. Better yet, I hope I see her again!

Scared to Death!

What the heck did I do?
NFL Monday Night Football??? Really?
Well girl, it's almost time to put your game face on. Game time is this Monday.
What was I thinking? I was euphoric about this event until last night when I really started to think about it.
I don't have much problem presenting as a woman so what would be the problems? Plenty!
 Let's start with Footwear. 
Monday will not be the time or place for heels! Both set of boots I own have about a 2" heel.  The good thing is I still have plenty of time to pick up some low heel options. I know what I want but finding my size is always a challenge. I am fortunate to be just on the high end of women's sizes (10 1/2-11) so anything is possible.  I would love a suede pair with fur lined tops! '
Weather. Perfect! 5 day forecast calling for clear and a low of 36 Monday night. I have a couple different options for coats.  A sleeveless shell worn over a sweater or a sweater coat I have.  Sleeveless shell probably best choice.  The shell also has a couple of pockets which I will need.
No purse for this outing..Security outside of stadium really only checks bags and purses so I should be OK. Will have to utilize pockets! I can store cash and ID in my jeans pockets and stash some light makeup in my shell pockets. I would imagine the make up I start with will have to last. Probably won't be much chance for touch ups. Long lasting lipstick should work.
Once we are in the stadium, I'm with a group of four, so blending with them should get me to our seats.
Now the problems? Number one is the bathroom. My host wants the group to stop and eat and drink a couple cold ones on the way down. Plus we will probably consume at least one of the ultra expensive beers in the stadium. Somewhere along the way I will have to go.
I have had almost no problem with rest rooms for years but Monday would not be the time to start! Best case scenario would be to go with two of the other women in the group. One guy makes up the foursome.
Number two is probably pure paranoia but what if one person where I'm sitting picks me out of the crowd and wants to make a scene? More likely, all should be intent on the game. I hope it stays close so everyone stays with the game.
There you have it girlfriends. My hopes and fears for a once in a lifetime trip to an NFL Monday Night Game as a girl.
I'll keep you posted!

Asked to Leave!

A restaurant, a store, a rest room? No a transgender group blog on Yahoo! Yes girls that's right. The moderator showed me the virtual door.
Why? Because I was backing Misty's case concerning the California DMV person. *You can read my post from a couple days ago and or follow Misty's "Bad Tranny" link on our blogroll. Misty really provides much more info!
The moderator stood firm in his belief in the sacred rules of the group. No political or religious discussion.
I know rules are rules and the German's knew they were following Hitler's rules in WWII. That's all good.
Where would we all be as transgendered beings? I remember laws against even being out in public in women's clothes when I was a kid.
Bravo to all that fought those rules!
Yes I know I'm over reacting to being kicked out. There are a zillion other groups on the web and in fact one (yahoo) stepped up to email us with an invitation to their group.
It's the principal that one of ours basically supported the guy at the DMV. The moderator effectively shut down our protest.
The light of the closet when it opened ever so slightly must have blinded him.

Halloween Party?

Due to work obligations, I knew my Halloween this year was not going to happen.
I didn't give the matter much thought as I entered my usual hang out last Friday night-and walked right into their Halloween party.
I almost panicked!  A Halloween party is one of the hardest places to present as an actual female. People are obviously looking for all others in costume. "Ha Ha dude, want a beer? Nice costume" is exactly what I heard one place last year when I went to one of the biggest Halloween street fairs in the state. Unfortunately I was just dressed as me...no costume.
This year again I  was just in jeans and a sweater as I quickly surveyed the scene and got ready for reaction.. I saw about half the group was actually in costume.
I was sure someone would spot me as a possible costume contestant but  I was able to find a seat at the bar with no trouble. I got no reaction.
Soon, after my first beer, it was time to survey the crowd to see if anyone else was dressed as a girl. Interestingly enough, the only remote possibility was a person across the bar wearing some big blond hair. "He" turned out of be one of the female managers in costume and probably wouldn't appreciate my thoughts on her costume. She made a great "drag queen"!
I guess you could say my Halloween was real boring this year for all the right reasons!

Am I Going To Hell For Being Transgendered????

Why Me?

Click edit above to add content to this empty capsule.

Does God really hate me? Am I really an abomination? Will I join my other transgendered friends in hell?
NO! The California "DMV" person who took it upon himself to create a major upheaval will probably make it to the hot part of eternity before I will.
If you haven't heard the story, he sent a letter to a transgendered woman seeking to change her sex on her driver's license. He took it upon himself to condemn her to hell along with some other choice statements.
I really don't like to discuss religion here or in social settings but the fact remains mankind has always twisted religions for many different self serving reasons-including wars. I will not even attempt to make any in depth complex argument. This is a very simple view of the way I feel.
Does the fact I choose to live as my non birth gender take away from my belief in basic Christian principals? Is there some giant scoreboard somewhere?
My belief is that ideas such as the "DMV" guy come from single minded non thinking humans. Obviously your life is less complex if every Sunday someone gives you their opinion on how to run your life. Life is easier If every election day you automatically vote for one parties candidate or if your boss is always right. (He is the boss!) You don't have to think and that is a good thing for you!
I know for a fact the bible has many contradictory writings and it is man's oldest history book. I'm not educated enough to know that for sure about the "Koran", but it is probably true too.
I also know for a fact I follow many of Jesus principals. I strongly believe in treating others as I want to be treated. I don't cheat or steal. A simplistic attitude to be sure will that get me to hell?
I try to be sympathetic. When I hear stories such as the DMV, I don't want to hate. Maybe someday he and the guy who attacked me with religion one night will find a kinder gentler Christianity...the real one. Then non of us will meet in Hades!
A side note. I ran across a blog which presents A Jewish slant on transgenderism which I had never seen. I will include a link. http://gavigirl.wordpress.com/
May the "force" be with you. What ever one you choose!

I've been attempting to consolidate and bring back some of my older posts for some of your new followers. This one is more lengthy than some of the others. I hope you enjoy it!

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What is a Woman?

A True Female Is?

During an unusually bitter discussion about my transgender leanings and our relationship, my wife said "you (me) would make a terrible woman!"
Naturally the comment was a tremendous blow to my egos. My male ego was harder hit than my female ego. Of course, at that time I really didn't have a female ego. I was just a guy dressing like a girl.
How could she say such a thing? In the past several months I was turned down for admission to a TV only event. I had to prove I wasn't a real single woman. I had slutted myself up successfully with three other tall beautiful genetic girls at Halloween and held my own. I even had a male admirer sending me letters. (A long time ago!)
Then she said, "I'm not talking about looks. I'm talking about being a woman."
It took me years to fully understand what she meant. I really mean years! The time frame I'm referring to is the mid 80's and we were into the third year of a 25 year marriage. And yes, she did know about my "hobby". I told her before we got serious. That's another story.
Now, lets compare your idea, my idea and society's idea of what a woman is. First off, you have to separate sex from gender. Sure you can be born female. Does that make you a woman? No. You are just a biological female. Life experiences make you a woman, between the ears that is. At least it has worked that way for me and I've seen in it my young granddaughter. The way she plays and interacts with other young girls. My wife knew I had none of that experience and it showed.
I could look like a woman but had no idea of how a woman feels or lives in the world. Slowly and very insecurely over the years my female self began to evolve.
The first step was a quick lesson in a woman's use of non verbal communication. My initiation came at a straight/gay neighborhood bar in Cleveland. It was summer and a handsome guy rolled up on his Harley and parked it on the sidewalk outside the front door. After a couple of drinks my wife came about as close to flirting with someone as I had ever seen her. He wasn't shy about checking us out either. She looked me in the eyes and all of the sudden I was not husband but competition and she was considering winning! She gave me the look "I'll get him you won't and I will see you later."
She didn't go, but the lesson was learned that words don't have to mean anything. To this day I have quick and meaningful eye to eye communication with many of my genetic girl friends. Just a glance can tell me yes or no or even danger!
Other meaningful lesson's I've learned are listening, dispute resolution and passive aggressive behavior. You genetic girls reading this already will know what I'm going to say. You trans girls who truly want to play in the other sandbox-listen up. No pun intended!
Most men, as we know, are not good listeners. They are listening for the short term. Most just long enough to make you feel they listened and or cared. I wish I could tell you the ones I've talked to in person or on line that can not get it through their heads that I an NOT a drag queen. It's not their fault it's the wiring.
Another huge gender hurdle is problem solving or dispute resolution. A shoulder to lean or one to cry on helps a woman. Men are problem solvers- take care of that problem and lets move on! Much of this gets back to listening! What did she really say?
Last (but certainly) not least is passive aggressive behavior. Over the years my work has been primarily with female dominated crews. I've been dazzled and sometimes scared with the workings of alpha females on down. Fortunately I try to stay clear of all of that on my perch in the middle.
Why do I want to go down this path? I like the feminine style. I respect it and feel comfortable in it.
I know that no matter how much money or hormones someone puts into their body-they will never be a biological female. On the other hand I have met some transgender women who are more female than any real girl I've ever met. Some are more comfortable being women than more than a few women are. I guess that's why I place experience over biology in gender.
Personally I hope I have reached the point where people say I'm friendly and fun to be around. Sure, most know I'm still a biological male but mentally a girl. I really want to grow into a woman my wife (deceased) would have liked and respected.
On the other hand, I do understand the confusion people have with humans like me. Gender after all, is a main building block of life. What I don't understand is the fear.
But I do have a very positive outlook for the future! I believe that many of our youth are getting over the fear factor and into understanding.
Maybe the best idea is to have this discussion with them? Or with you?

Trans Girl Socially Challenged?

Absolutely!
My genetic girl friends tell me- "all the good one's are taken". Are they right?
I'm not looking for much. Just a person to hang out with and I'm not totally alone. I have my guy friend and a small group of women friends.
My personality always pushes for more so I signed up for a dating site. I probably drove them all over the map with my gender changes. Woman seeking woman all the way to man seeking woman. The bottom line is that my expectations have been reached. Nothing!
I knew the whole thing would be like finding the needle in the haystack, but needles have been found!
Then I started wondering, do I threaten other women?
I read a great post concerning just that by "Hope Alexander" on "Hub Pages" of why we do. One of the reasons is that we look better and put more work into being a girl. The usual examples of clothes and makeup come to mind. I've added one of her posts to look at! http://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-A-Man-Or-A-Woman--How-To-Deal-With-A-Crossdresserhttp://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-A-Man-Or-A-Woman--How-To-Deal-With-A-Crossdresser
I do believe it is true with some women because they have let themselves go-but not most. I also believe we play into the insecurities of genetic girls because we do play in their sandbox.
Is all of this another social problem?
We are too much girl for the gay guys. Not enough girl for the Lesbians and a competing girl for the straight women? OMG!
Finding good people in the world is hard enough! I've been blessed to find more than my share.
I can't help but think there are a least a couple more out there!