Masculinity and Trans Woman Intuition

Recently I have been seeing again a few posts here and there about the effects of masculinity. After reading one of them, I began to think of my own up bringing. I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo about the macho-centrist family I grew up in. Between my other brother, my Dad and I, I don't know sometimes how my Mom made it. In our house, sports dominated along with a liberal amount of fishing and some hunting thrown in. We lived in a rural area and there were very few girls even in the neighborhood.

During this time I had discovered the allure of feminine finery in my Mom's closet and even tried it on when I had the rare chance to be alone. I even had a minimum income source to buy a few makeup items and clothes from my paper route and mowing grass.

I often wonder if these were the formative years when I learned how I had to be as ultra masculine as possible to get by. Of course I was scared to death my Mom would discover my "secret." I knew there would be no "understanding" of any desire to be a girl.

Overwhelmingly I hung out with a group of guys and girls were just the impossible dream. Impossible to figure out and even harder to date. For the longest time I considered I was taking the easy way out by creating my own girl.

On the other hand, by nature, I was shy and sensitive. Not male traits in my family, so I hid them too. Through sports and cars I was able to effectively disguise my growing feminine desires and show the public a macho male outward persona. 

To put it mildly, it was hell trying to maintain such a life, plus by that time I had the Army to look forward to. It seemed my masculinity was never going to let me go. And, after years of gender dysphoric struggle, I finally gave up and tried to commit suicide.

So masculinity was tough on me, even though I was able to live the lifestyle without many struggles. On the positive side , I still am easily able to judge a man's reaction to many different scenarios.

Call it trans woman intuition. 

Carmen Carrera

From last year, transgender activist and beauty Carmen Carrera. During the Glaad media awards.

Volunteered

Yesterday turned out to be a travel day. First, I had an appointment with my long time therapist. As always, it went predictably well and in a relatively short period of time she determined I wasn't a threat to others, or myself :). Approximately an hour later, I was sent on my way.

Perhaps you remember I was also going to meet one of the board members of the Dayton, Ohio Rainbow Health Alliance. He wanted to talk to me concerning doing any outreach programs they may be invited to in the Cincinnati area. It all worked out very well.

I told him of my transgender "nursing home paranoia". In other words, being forced back in the closet at one of the most fragile times of one's life. Or run the risk of just being abused.

Ironically. he said he was trying to work out a "training" conference currently with at least one nursing home in the Cincinnati area. I told him I would be interested in helping.

Then we talked about the importance of just being visible for transgender women and trans men. Especially during an era when so many republican administrations are trying to take away our rights across the country.

Plus,it was neat when he said the restaurant was "family" owned. Meaning it was owned by LGBT people. I noticed it immediately when I came in because of a huge rainbow flag which was in a corner. 

So, the deal was sealed over a great Italian lunch. I will help whenever I can with any transgender training sessions he schedules. Hopefully, any good karma I can build up will come back to help me in the future!

Sports and the Transgender Woman

It's Super Bowl Sunday and it's time to look back at my former love affair with the NFL. I say former because following the futile games of the Cincinnati Bengals has nearly broken all interest I had concerning pro football. I feel much different of course when it comes to The Ohio State Buckeyes and college football. It could be argued the Buckeyes were the best football team in Ohio last year when compared to the Cleveland Browns and the Bengals.

Along the way as I transitioned, I wondered if or why I would/should maintain any interest in sports at all. Then, as I established a new set of female friends, I learned they were as loyal and knowledgeable sports fans as I was. I found out I could bring my love of sports with me. The whole deal was as I was building the new me, I found out she wasn't the girly-girl type I thought at one time I would have to be. I could as easily sit at a bar with other women and drink beer as well as some fruity feminine drink.

I even was invited to tag along to a NFL Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati years ago. Sure I was scared to death but I went. Another lesson learned how sports didn't have to have a gender.

It does help I played quite a bit of football and baseball when I was young and understood the games strategies as they play out. In my past it was humorous on the rare occasions I became involved in conversations with men on sports, I had to dumb it out in order not to hurt their precious male egos.

The moral to my story is you can bring your loves with you as you transition. You don't have to adhere to the gender norms society lays on us.

Of course if you decide to go to a Super Bowl party today and really don't care who wins, you can watch the game for the commercials and the half time entertainment. As many women will do. Just have a good time!

Good News

With all the recent Republican bills designed to erase the already limited rights we transgender women and men have in many states, at least the legislature in the State of Iowa has restored a touch of sanity to the process:

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — A bill proposed by a group of Republican lawmakers on Wednesday that would have amended the Iowa Civil Rights Act by removing protections against discrimination for transgender people is dead, a powerful committee chairman said.

Nine Republican House members sponsoring the bill introduced it Wednesday morning but by evening Republican Rep. Steven Holt, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee to which the bill was assigned, said he wouldn’t allow it to move forward to a subcommittee hearing.

Also, there is finally an official transgender flag emoji for those of you who are into such things!