Why Me???

 

Image from Paige Cody
on UnSplash

Earlier in life, when my journey into transgender womanhood was weighing heavily on me, in despair I would look in the mirror and whisper why me.

During that portion of my life as I was still learning the benefits of being a trans woman, I had not had the opportunity to witness the positives I could achieve. Perhaps, the positives are one reason a certain political group is dead set on erasing us. As always, the group has ignored the times in history when entire societies worshiped dual spirted or transgender members of their civilizations. Since I do have a degree in history, I often took the chance to do extra research on the subject in my spare time.

I also think outside TERF's or transphobic women do not trust us because we have spent time in a male dominated society enjoying male privilege. When in fact, we were not enjoying our experience at all and desperately wanted out.  As far as men go, so many are desperately hanging on to their frail sexuality, they become scared and bitter as they secretly watch their trans porn. Sadly, the men's frustration turns into violence towards the transgender woman the man wanted so badly. 

Perhaps the biggest thing I did not realize until I spent time in the public's eye as a transgender woman was how much both binary genders secretly value our knowledge of the world. I remember vividly the numerous times I was approached by other women dealing with man problems of their own. I found the other women really valued my insight into the male world. Through it all, I began to lighten up on my poor, poor pitiful me idea of life and began to see the benefits of living partially between the two main genders. Once I put being a gender victim behind me, my life brightened considerably.

The entire process went far beyond other women asking me about their men, all the way to me being able to increase my overall confidence in the new life I was living. Rapidly, my life was approaching a point of no return. The pressure was on to make the right decision on how I was going to live the rest of my life. I did not think the rest of the world could understand how badly I was torn by my gender decisions, so I did the male thing and internalized them. My mental health struggled badly until two things happened.

One of which was when my wife Liz came along and told me in no uncertain terms, she had only seen a female in me, and I should stop the remainder of life I was living as a man. The other was when I began HRT or gender affirming hormones. When I finally did begin the new hormones, my body took to the new regiment of meds as if I should have always been on them. 

Between the two, even the very stubborn part of me which was desperately hanging on to what was left of his old male life could not resist any longer. Overall, when I looked for my gender truth I found it. Why me? became my truth and when I accepted it, I knew I had done the right thing. My life became softer, richer and more colorful than ever before.   

To arrive there however I needed to pay my dues and learn many important lessons before I could move forward. 

Now What?

 

Image from Kolos Kevie 
on UnSplash

During my long journey to transgender womanhood, I have encountered several "now what" moments. 

The first I can remember came during a Halloween party I was attending. For the party, I was dressed in a very short mini dress which showed off my freshly shaven legs completely. Even though the men mainly stayed away from me, several women took it upon themselves to compliment me on how good my legs looked. Now, I remember vividly telling one of the women thanks but a lot of good my legs will do me. I did not finish the thought by telling her having good legs will not do me much good if I need to wait another year to show them off again at Halloween.

As life flew by, I finally was able to show the public my authentic self, to very mixed reviews. Predictably, I went too far overboard building my wardrobe around my legs which was correct to do during the eighties when short skirts and oversized sweaters and tops were all the fashion vogue along with big hair. It was like the fashion gods were playing right into my hands as a novice transgender woman. 

As we all know, fashion trends change, and I was forced to also if I was to do my best to blend in with the other women around me. Finally, I needed to lengthen my skirts and adopt shorter wigs. I was not happy but had to adopt a new "now what" fashion mode. 

What came along to save me was a new realization about what presenting as my autentic self-meant to me. I began to survive on my new personality as the public began to want to know more about me. When I did, I began to encounter many new "now what" moments on a regular basis. In other words, I was in very deep trying my best to discover if I could or should attempt a gender transition into a new scary, exciting world. 

I discovered I very much did want to be in the new feminine world I was discovering, and I could not under any circumstances turn back to the old male life I was in. "Now what" had passed me by and it was too late. I had passed all my personal tests seeing if I could do it.

It was a long road, but I managed to do it. I just wish I had listened to my inner gender questions years or even decades ago.

A Trans Girl's Baggage

 

Image from UnSplash

Like many women, we trans girls carry a lot of baggage when we travel.

If you remember the old Paris Hilton commercials of her mass amount of luggage she brought along when she traveled, it reminded me of the size and number of bags we trans women have to have to transition from a male life to a feminine one. To the typical outsider, they think all we have to worry about bringing along is fashion and/or wardrobe necessities. When in truth, we know which wardrobe to bring is just the beginning. Examples are many and varied, often determined by when we decide to transition in our life cycle. Needless to say, an older transgender woman may have more aspects in her life to consider with family, friends, spouses and employment to think about.

In my case, I waited so long to enter trans womanhood, nearly everyone I cared about as far as family and friends went, passed away. I would not recommend it, but my method really simplified the process of telling my deepest darkest secret to others was made so much easier. In fact, I only had two family members to tell of my authentic life. My daughter and my brother which went half and half for me. My daughter remains a steadfast ally to this day while my brother and I have not talked in over a decade.

Thus far, we have only discussed the larger baggage items and not any of the smaller yet still important things we have to bring along with us as we enter a scary yet exciting new world. Such as, what would we do about the interests and hobbies we have built our male lives around. As far as I am concerned, what I always bring up is my lifetime love of sports. For years, I considered I would have to give up my interest in sports in order to transition. Because I knew so few women who were into sports.

Fortunately, the world around me began to change or I began to see more clearly what was really going in the world I was in. In other words, I began to see other women in the sports bars I was in as interested in the games as I was. It was around this time also when the National Football League began to market their product to women. It became stylish for me to wear my team's jersey into the sports bars I became a regular in. In addition, the other women I began to be friends with were sports fanatics.

All of this combined to make my path to my transgender womanhood so much easier. I can compare it to just having to bring a carry-on bag with me on a plane instead of a large piece of luggage. I was more secure and did not have to give up any of my interests I so enjoyed. 

Perhaps the only problem I had was when I talked to men. With them, I often had to dumb myself down when I talked about topics, I knew a lot about. One time, with a tow truck driver, I needed to finally act as if I knew nothing about the mechanics of the truck, we were in to satisfy his ego. It was my first interaction one on one with a man, so I was surprised how it went. Basically, I was forced to give in to him to just maintain civility on the short trip. The lesson I learned was one I kept with me every time I was with a man.

It turned out I had unpacked a whole new set of transgender baggage.