Joy to the World

Image from JJ Hart Liz on right.

Gender euphoria is so wonderful to a transgender woman or trans man striving to present themselves in the world as their authentic selves. On the other hand, it is often very rare to obtain. 

The brief moments I experienced euphoria in the world when I first went out as a novice trans woman or cross dresser, kept me going but barely. The reason was, I suffered from huge bouts of  gender dysphoria which wrecked my life. It seemed every morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror, would I see the same old male I never wanted to be or somehow see behind him and view the girl I always dreamed of being. My dreams even reflected my gender issues when I would awake following a very vivid dream where I was the pretty girl. When reality set in, I was very sad.

It took me years to realize I could fight back against my gender dysphoria and do more to live out my dream of living as a woman. Years of sorrow when I failed became years of joy when I succeeded. Progress was very slow at first as I went out shopping in the world and sought out every mirror I could find to restore my faith I was indeed a presentable woman just minding her business in the world. When I discovered most people did not really care about me, my life became much easier and took quite a bit of the pressure off I was feeling. 

Still, I needed more. On every occasion I could, I was out the door seeking new places to visit as my new exciting self. I was walking the gender border and feeling the joy on some of the days I was successful and torment on the days I was not. My main problem was trying to find feedback with what I was attempting to do. The only time I did receive any response was when I went to the small, diverse parties I went to at an acquaintance's house in nearby Columbus, Ohio. From transgender admirers to inquisitive lesbians, I had a chance to meet new people in my world and see how I measured up to them. I knew I could never be a beautiful as a few of the impossibly feminine transgender women who attended but just maybe I could elevate my appearance to a feminine level where I could get by. The parties also proved to be the initial starting point of developing my own new personality as a trans woman, so they were very beneficial.

As I experienced the joy of being my true self, something had to give. Sadly, the something turned out to be my male self and my marriage of twenty five years to my second wife. Both of them suffered terribly. Naturally, neither of them wanted to lose any power. My male self was quite comfortable in the life he had built and my wife did not want to lose the man she married, so I was in for very difficult times. What happened next was my mental health went into a very steep decline. I did not know where to turn and at that time did not have a good therapist to fall back on. Then I resorted to the worst possible choice when I tried to internalize everything. By doing so, I made everything worse. 

I continued to go out as much as i could but ended up just forcing the gender issue and losing any of the joy I had previously felt. It wasn't until I decided to begin gender affirming hormones and transition fully, did I begin to reclaim the happiness I felt. 

Was it worth it? Sure as I finally achieved my dreams of living fulltime as a transgender woman. I just wish I had the courage to do it sooner. Or as my second wife told me a number of times when we bitterly fought...be man enough to be a woman. 

The Double Edged Gender Sword

Image from JJ Hart. Wife Liz on left.

The longer we live as transgender women and trans men, often we find many aspects which represent a double edged sword. 

One of the edges of the sword has to be the duress we feel when at first we arrive in public for the first time. To make matters worse, we have no peer group to help us out of the mirror to be judged by the harsh eyes of the world. No one to tell us we looked clownish as we tried the makeup arts for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I hurried home in tears following being stared at at the least, or laughed out of a venue at the worst.

From it all, I learned to develop a thick skin and always go back to the drawing board as quickly as I could to help solve any presentation problems I might have had. Even when I was doing it, the cross dresser drawing board was certainly difficult to figure out. What happened was, I used the very brief moments of gender euphoria I earned and moved forward attempting to tightrope my way along the sharp edge of my sword. I was risking ridicule at the least and the loss of family, friends and employment at the worst. Failure as a transgender woman was a very real pressure.

Once I began to learn how to present in public more effectively as a transgender woman, I began to use my sword more effectively.  Then the world became much more comfortable for me in my quest to live my femininized dreams. In addition, my makeup arts became better as well as my use of hair to enhance my appearance. 

It bares mentioning also, going through the overall transgender experience, made me a more resilient person and set up to battle the more challenging times we face. I learned in my research transgender folk have always been around and always will be, no matter who tries to erase us. Battling the sword all these years helped me be more secure in my transgender identity. 

In all fairness to my sword, it started out very dull. I worked long and hard to sharpen it by going out in public which was the best indicator of my progress.  So I took all the good and bad and did the best I could with it. All my interaction with the public included the dark evenings when red-necks repeatedly kept playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the juke box in a venue where I was a regular. Since management at the time would not support me, I left to find another venue and took my money elsewhere. I was rewarded months later when an employee from the venue I was discouraged from coming to, found me in another venue and invited me back. To make matters even better, the manager who would not back me up was fired for drug use. Excluding a stray bigoted woman in the woman's room, I never had any further problems there again.

Once my gender sword swung back into doses of gender euphoria, I began to appreciate all it had done for me. Transgender womanhood was finally mine to enjoy when I learned I was not a quitter and was in my transition for the long haul. 

Trans Girl in the Winter

Image from Freestocks on UnSplash.

I happen to live in Ohio where there is often a weird mixture of the four seasons of weather. For example, when it seemed fall has set in, summer returns and the sweaters and leggings you have pulled out have to temporally go away. Now, around here we have made our way into winter. Which means I have had to dig a little deeper into my collection of leggings to find the lined ones. I love the soft feel of the leggings and how they keep me warm when the temperature dips well below freezing.

For my wife Liz and I's winter time walks, I usually pair my favorite leggings with my furry boots and bulky soft sweater before I have to go outside and brave the elements. These days, I need to force the issue with my walks since Liz and I are going to visit the Florida Keys in January. So I need to do my best to walk as long as I can when we go. Since there is thirty days away, there is plenty of time to write about our winter vacation before it arrives. Such as my first time swimming as a transgender woman.

If I had my choice, I would choose winter over our hot, humid summers any day. I like the fashion and the fact it is easier for me to stay warm in the winter rather than cold in the summer. I know possibly, I may be in the minority of all transgender women who value the look and feel of bare skin in warmer times. While I remember vividly the freedom I felt when I could finally shave my arms and wear short sleeved women's fashions, over the years, the feeling has somehow went away. One way or another, I have traded the feminine feeling of leggings for the sensation of shaved legs in the wind.

Either way, the entire fashion process is one of the reasons I enjoy my transgender womanhood so much. The planning ahead for the seasons means so much and winter is just a portion of the process. Of course we will see if I am just as enthused if we get any sizeable snowfall in December since I have one Christmas lunch coming up with the Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity council as well as a Yule get together with Liz's circle of friends. During which I will have the opportunity to explain why I turned down an interview with a local television reporter after the election. 

So there is quite a bit coming up in December, including awaiting the arrival of a new laptop I thought I would go ahead and purchase before the proposed tariff's go into effect driving prices upwards. It will be interesting to see how easy or difficult the set up will be. I am not very technologically advanced. The laptop was one of the biggest purchases I have made in a long time. It was an online Cyber Monday purchase so I did not have to put up with any lines or pestering sales people. Patience, along with many other attributes will have to be my main goals following trying out a new laptop in over a decade. 

Overall, the month of December is more enjoyable with the fashion and festive Christmas lights in the neighborhood. I have respect for those who put effort into holiday decorations since all the work I put into my second wife's extensive decorations 

It all makes up for the drab months of January and February. Being a trans girl in the winter is yet another challenge.