Just Weary

 

Image from Harry Quan
on UnSplash

Following a lifetime of doing my best to maintain a male lifestyle, I grew weary of living a lie.

Similar to many transgender folks and/or cross dressers I grew impatient with the progress I was making with my gender transition. I had two main problems, the first of which I did not know where I was going and the second was I had no basic idea if I was ever going to learn the basics of what I was doing. Very quickly, I tired of just looking at myself in the mirror and wanted more. I wish now I would have seen my feelings as being transgender but all of this occurred well before the term transgender was invented and became popular.

At the time, my frustration level was rising to an all time high. I was doing my best to learn the basics of feminine presentation but rarely had the chance to try my efforts in a public setting. Those occasions just happened to be Halloween parties which I learned many new basics from. Such as what happened when I dressed slutty compared to when I dressed in feminine professional attire. As Halloween rapidly approaches, I will try to be more in-depth on what I learned which helped me along on my journey to be a transgender woman.

As I went along, my femininization lessons just increased my weariness of being male. I grew extra tired of all the games guys play when they size each other up in the world and I wanted out. I could not wait until I could head home and escape into the safety of my woman's world, The whole problem was, my world was still so isolated and I needed to get out. To enter the world, I dreamed up ways to do it and began by going shopping where clerks had to accept me for my money, not my gender. I also started out by going to gay bars thinking I was safe there. In the long run, I discovered neither did me much good as I was not challenged to build a better feminine self. As I said, acceptance was a given in the clothing stores I went to and not a given in the gay or lesbian venues I went to. Through it all, with the ups and the downs, I learned I was on the right track to my gender discovery. Even though I needed to make sure the light up ahead was not another on-coming train.

My salvation turned out to be being myself, as I ended up going full circle and enjoying the sports venues I enjoyed going to as a guy. Sure I was scared at first, but I followed my instincts of being friendly to the staff, dressing to blend in with the other women and tipping well. Before I knew it, I became a regular at several venues as I enjoyed myself. During this point of my life, even though I was still intensely lonely, I still was increasingly weary of any idea I was still a man. 

To do away with any of my masculine traits became a primary goal of mine. I worked hard to lose weight and take care of my skin to do my best to improve my femininized appearance Plus the addition of the gender affirming hormones I began very much improved my confidence and outlook on life, I finally had arrived at my gender tipping point when all the male clothes had to go and it was time to consider coming out to the closest friends and family I had left. 

It was time to leave my weary life behind and open the doors to an exciting new life as a full-time transgender woman.  .  

Affirmation

 

Recently I had a very important reminder of my initial affirmation as a legal female in the world.

It came several years ago when I decided to have as many legal documents as I could changed to reflect my authentic feminine self. One of the major documents I needed changed was my Ohio driver's license. I made sure I acquired all the name change documents plus a letter from my therapist to insure I did not have any problems. The process was scary but exciting because among other things, I needed the picture ID of the license so I could vote. 

It just so happened my license was due to expire just ahead of the all-important election coming up in November so it was important for me not to procrastinate until the last minute so I can cast my vote against tRumpt. 

In many ways, being able to renew my license symbolically was similar to renewing my gender vows with myself. As far as completing the process, it was easy this time because I was already in the system as female and no one questioned me. Probably the most difficult part was having my picture taken because of all the insecurities I feel when it comes to my appearance. For the morning I chose one of my most feminine tops, applied a foundation, eye makeup, lipstick, blush and tied back my hair and was ready to go. I arrived early and only had to wait approximately fifteen minutes before being waited on. 

Even though I knew the process would be nearly painless, for some reason I was still suffering from needless paranoia. I was able to put it all behind me and reaffirm  myself as a legal transgender feminine person. 

Next stop is my upcoming mammogram appointment which is in the process of being scheduled now. I consider mammograms as a slightly unpleasant rite of passage I need to go through since my maternal grandmother died from breast cancer years ago.

Affirmation is good.

It is NOT a Choice

Image from Alexander Grey 
on UnSplash

I still get aggravated when someone says being transgender is a choice.

Realistically, why would I have ever chosen to live the life I am living. Would I have made the choice to give up everything I worked so hard to achieve just to put on a dress, makeup and heels and attempt to live a feminine life. All the material benefits I had acquired as part of my life as a white male privileges disappeared for good, if I wanted them to to or not.

Suddenly, I learned the hard way what it was like to have my personal security threatened as well as being mansplained when I attempted to insert my feelings on a topic I knew quite a bit about. Quickly I discovered many examples. I nearly found out the hard way, if I dressed too provocatively at a mixer, I would be cornered and harassed by an over bearing transvestite admirer. In an instant, I learned how it would be to be a helpless woman being overwhelmed by a much larger man. Not a pleasant experience and it was not all of my lessons. One night when I was blissfully minding my own business on a dark city sidewalk, I was approached by two sketchy men wanting a handout. Fortunately, I still had a lone five dollar bill for them and they went on their way. From then on my new feminine common sense began to grow and I started to develop the gender protective sense all women acquire as part of their life experiences.

None of what I was experiencing was a choice and not part of me being validating  myself as a woman. All I needed to know was I had no choice but to follow my path if I was able to look myself in the mirror and know I was doing the right thing. Coupled with the natural feelings I was experiencing, my supposed choice was made. 

I knew over a span of time, I would learn to deal with being mansplained was something I just had to deal with as a transgender woman. I will never forget the day I had to sit in a tow truck and be subjected to being bored when the driver was telling me how the truck worked. Finally, I gave him my best blond act until he finished all his rock bottom explanations. On one of my few dates with men, quickly I found I knew nothing about subjects such as sports and politics.

Why would I choose to be something as difficult as being a woman? My entire life became dedicated to proving the world wrong. I could carve out and experience a new life as a transgender woman and thrive. But again, I needed to prove all the naysayers wrong. The only natural feminine attribute I started with was my brain. Which for some reason, kept telling me I was doing life completely wrong because I was living it as a male instead of my more natural female. Finally, all the pressure to change and all the stress to explore the world as a trans woman. I was living in a world of alternate facts which was increasingly too complex to handle. I came to the point where I felt as an impostor when I went out of the house as a man. Can you imagine that? Feeling as an impostor when you attempt to live as your birth gender. It happened to me.

All the process proved to an outsider is gender issues are not a choice. During the process none of us understands, we are born into system we never asked for. The path is often a bumpy one with plenty of curves and stop signs. We have to wait our turn before we move on. 

For any number of reasons, the true number of transgender women and trans men may never be known. One thing is for sure, there are many more hidden transgender individuals waiting to take their turn and enter the world. Regardless of all the negative publicity we receive, transgender people have been around forever and will remain a part of the human experience. After all, we don't have a choice.