Just be Yourself

 

Image from Cory
on UnSplash

When you are a transgender woman or trans man, finding yourself can be a daunting task. 

Are you a boy or a girl is bad enough when you have to think about it but is even worse when you need to live your gender desires. Just being yourself becomes extra difficult when you are applying it to real life when you leave the mirror and take on the world. We all know that sometimes the world can be a very unforgiving place. Human beings are sharks and will sniff out the slightest hint of blood in the water. A bad place to be in when you are a novice transgender woman or cross dresser who is trying to make it as your authentic self and you are very insecure. 

At this point, many trans folk resort to fairly drastic measures to attempt to present well as the gender they are attempting to be. Fashion mistakes are made, just to name a few potential problems faced. It is difficult with no previous training or input from peers to catch up with the world and not appear as a clown. I do not want to remember how many thrift store items I returned because they did not fit me or flatter my male body style. For the longest time, I did not think I was ever going to find appropriate clothes I could be myself in. Not to mention the hair and makeup I was struggling with. Somehow I managed to fight through my inner gender biases and come up with fashion choices which the public could life with. When I did, I started to explore different venues such as community festivals and outdoor concerts to see if I could be myself.

Even though I was successful, I still fought internally my desire to be feminine. It took me decades to understand I was a woman cross dressing as a man and not the opposite which caused me such inner turmoil. 

Another problem I had when I was transitioning genders was staying in the present. When I was out and about as a novice femininized person, I was so busy being worried about every little thing, I could not enjoy being me. It took me years to actually accept the gender euphoria I felt when I had succeeded in presenting as an attractive woman in public. To battle my instincts, I did events which were more lengthy so I needed to live in the present longer. An example was the Joe Cocker outdoor concert I took myself to, just to see if I could and the NFL Monday night football game a lesbian friend took me to. There were no easy escapes to these events so I had to put my fear aside and try to be myself.

I am not a quick learner and my male self battled me for control of my life for a half a century before I finally gave in to my gender truth. When I did, my inner woman took charge for good and I was finally able to be myself. I could live in the present and not wait for the next time I could run and put on my feminine clothes and feel good about myself. I was wearing the clothes all the time and if or when I felt my old gender dysphoria creep in, I could solve the issue before it became too major.

It is easy to say all of us deserve the chance to be ourselves but it is extra important for a transgender person. Because, first we need to discover who our true inner person really is. Once you do, just being yourself is a much reachable goal to have.

Gender Anxieties or Paradise

Image from Cacique 
Nacimento on'
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During my gender transition, all the way to today, I have experienced my share of anxieties.

Early examples revolved basically around the way I looked when I was cross dressed in my very limited feminine wardrobe. I kept telling myself I was OK when I with my cross dressing and I was for a couple of days before my gender anxiety returned. Making me difficult to live with. Paradise was fleeting and hard to find. 

Much later on in life, when I began to try out the public's perception of me, the whole process was anxiety ridden. When I used to shop till I dropped in clothing stores, my feminine life was easy because everyone was just interested in selling me something. Or I was in thrift stores where the clerks barely looked at me at all. Maybe because they were used to waiting on cross dressers? Very soon I came away with feeling no anxiety at all when I shopped so I felt I needed to challenge myself further. I needed to see if it would ever be possible to live my dream of being a full-time transgender woman. It was close to this time also when I began to seriously challenge the world as a woman at various Halloween parties I went to. Most of them happened when I was married to my first wife who knew I was a crossdresser  when I married her, so there were no surprises when she saw the "costume" I settled on. 

Even at Halloween, I experienced growth with my gender issues. When I dressed trashy, early on, I was treated the same way but when I decided to see if I could present as a business woman at the party, I was treated with more respect and even surprise at my true gender. Little did I know at the time when I dressed as a woman, I was presenting as my true gender. Very quickly I learned, Halloween was never enough and I needed to express my authentic self as a woman more than once a year. When I did, I began to do more of the household grocery shopping as a novice transgender woman as well as haunting the antique malls and bookstores for the perfect gift for my wife. Anything to take me out of my male comfort zone. When I was successful I was in paradise and when I failed, of course the opposite occurred and  I was sent back to my gender drawing board to re-think my plans. Could I ever make it to my dream the way I was heading. 

Spoiler alert, I could and did make it. Somehow and through the help of therapy I was able to work my way through a large amount of my gender anxiety. My therapist helped me to realize there was absolutely nothing wrong with my transgender desires. Which was as close as she could come to telling me I should proceed with my dreams. Paradise was reachable if I wanted to pursue it farther and I had already accomplished most of the hard work. I had established myself a foothold in the world as a transgender woman and it felt so good and natural, so what was I waiting for.

The answer to what was I waiting for was the outside chance my male self would finally get on board with my decision. He didn't and hung on to the bitter end. In fact he tried to ruin my transition all the way to when I was medically approved to begin gender affirming hormones or HRT. What happened was, the HRT changes were so dramatic, even my male self needed to finally give up and go away. He finally did, leaving most all of my gender anxiety behind and replacing it with a lifetime of feeling freedom such as I had never felt before. 

I had paid my dues and it was time to move on.

Mental versus Physical

Archive Image
Ohio River in
background.

Is presenting as a woman when you are born male more of a mental or a physical effort?

I think, in my case, I started out with a more physical experience and then moved on to a more mental one. Possibly, it is because it took me so long to grasp the idea I was more of a transgender person in the making and not a cross dresser. I have nothing against cross dressing but it just was not for me. I wanted to go past just looking feminine to being feminine. Sadly, because of the lack of information and other excuses, it took me decades to understand myself. During those times I tried anything I could to resolve my gender pain I was feeling. 

What I did not understand was the amount of pain I was feeling was due to the transition from being a physical appearing woman to a mental operating one. Walking the walk and talking the talk with the public as a novice transgender woman certainly took a toll on me mentally. Finally I was coming closer and closer to solving all the public gender issues I was feeling. Walking and moving as a woman started to feel more natural but communicating with the world as a trans woman was much more problematic. I was very self conscious about the tone of my voice among other things. 

Another concept I did not consider was for the longest time I tried to fool the public into thinking I was a cis-woman. Instead of just resulting to being my natural feminine self. When the public interacted with the real physical person who was me, women in particular were intrigued with me and wanted to know what I was doing in their world. When they learned, I was not up to no good, the response was for  the most part positive. At that point, the mental aspect had to kick in with being transgender. I needed to work on what I was going to do with my old unwanted male self and decide what sort of a life I was going to build for an exciting future.

How I appeared to the world as my physical feminine self was still important and I am not saying it still is not. It just that is much of my appearance became easier to approach because I was all of a sudden I was just dressing to blend in with the rest of the feminine population. An example was this morning when I did not have to put on a fresh face of makeup and a dress to make the short trip to the street curb to pick up the trash cans and bring them back to the house. I could do what the neighbor lady does and just pull her hair back, throw on a pair of jeans and get the cans. This is an extreme example I know but a realistic one when the mental part of being transgender meets the physical part. 

When the two aspects did come together, my life improved dramatically also. There was less stress on my mental health primarily when my feminine inner self took over. It was as if she was saying what took so long. The main reason I took so long to transition was I ran from the gender truth I was feeling for all those years. I should have realized I was born to be a girl/woman long before I did. I did not and paid the price.

I also do not feel good about convincing people like my first two wives to come along through my turmoil. I convinced them I was just a casual cross dresser at the beginning and I was trying not to go further into a transgender world. It was unfair to all of us, Since  I was the driving force in both relationships, it was up to me to do better. Instead, I decided to take the lonely gender path for most of my life. Until I could put the mental and physical aspects of being a transgender woman together and discovered I could settle in and live a good life.