How the Heck did I Get Here

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

In many ways, this post is an extension of yesterdays. 

When I woke up this morning following a night of having multi gendered dreams, I glanced at my femininized body and wondered how I arrived here. The answer of course is not an easy one to come by. Plus, most of you have followed a similar path. You started in the mirror and slowly made your way into the public's eye. Some of you actually made it as a transgender woman in the public and others still make it as a cross dresser on line with your own blog. Whatever path you take, perhaps you wonder also how the heck did I get here on the gender divide.

I know many of us offer up the suggestion we had no choice because of the effects of the pregnancy medication "D.E.S.". Here is a description: " DES is a synthetic form of female hormone estrogen . It was prescribed to women between  1940 and 1971 for problem pregnancies."

Even though I will never know for sure, I am positive my Mom probably was prescribed the medication because she suffered through several still births before I came along. In the transgender community it has long been suspected being subjected to an overdose of estrogen in the womb, set us on a path to being trans. So essentially I didn't have a choice on the life I eventually determined I had to lead. 

I had several main gender cross roads to navigate before I could arrive where I was this morning. The tragic part was, I couldn't stop to appreciate my work and all I had gone through. All the times I was stared at, or even laughed at when I was a novice in the world as a transgender or cross dressed person. All the time I wondered all the gender hassles I was going through to figure out where I was going was the right way. After all, I was walking the tight rope on sacrificing my entire life as I knew it. All to jump into a life as a transgender woman I didn't know if I could do at all. 

Finally, I could take the pressure no longer and I decided to take the plunge and transition into a new world. I knew deep down I really didn't have a choice after I tried suicide which was tied to my gender issues. Maybe all along, I truly did not have a choice and just had to do it. At that point, destiny led me to seek out a new group of women friends who helped me along in my journey. Plus the new gender affirming hormones I was on proved I was doing the right thing for a change. It was as if my body recognized the new hormones as doing the right thing and all the resulting changes I recently wrote about felt so natural. As my life changed, so did my mental health as my long hidden female soul kept telling me I told you so.

Now I wonder how long it will take for my old male life to fade away and I won't have to be so amazed by my body when I wake up in the morning. I will be to recognize my body for what it is and should have been all along. 

Emergence

Image from Alfred Schrock 
on UnSplash 

During our long and twisted gender journeys we have points of emergence. 

I always prefer to explain to others I experienced more than one transition. I feel as if the first portion of my life as a cross dresser in the mirror was one part of my life and coming out as transgender was another. The whole process took me years too long to discover. Much too long observing transsexuals around me to see if I wanted to or even go the route they were headed. Ultimately I decided I did not want to undergo sex change surgery as it was known back in those days. Also expected or recommended was you needed to move away and assume an entire new life. I was selfish and never wanted to totally give up my past I worked so hard to obtain. Plus, I didn't have the life background a couple of my acquaintances had who had gone the gender distance by having surgery.

One of the people I knew was a soon to retire fireman with a good pension to fall back on and the other was an accomplished electrical engineer who would not have a difficult time maintaining a job. Not to mention, both were drop dead gorgeous. At the time, I was far from retirement in an industry which would have been nearly impossible to transition in. Also, I was very insecure about my feminine appearance. Even with all of those factors going against me, I still was intrigued by the possibilities my gender future presented to me. All I really knew was I needed to discover how my path would open a new world of emergence for me.

My potential emergence as a transgender woman was an exciting time for me. Discoveries were like no other I had ever experienced in my life. Directly and indirectly, I was exploring everything from my new feminine life to what would become of my sexuality. At the same time, I needed to consider a wife I loved very much who was dead set against me going any farther in my quest to be a transgender woman but never had any problems with my cross dressing tendencies. It was as if she never liked or even tolerated my inner woman. It was difficult for me to learn my new gender ropes when she was against me but I did. 

Along the way, diverse parties and mixers assisted me in my emergence. By doing so, I was able to test out how well my possible new world was working. I even had the rare time, my wife didn't come along to keep track of what I was doing. Needless to say, the times she wasn't with me led my times to be more productive. Primarily, I discovered negative interactions with a few men, all the way to positive interactions with lesbians I met. All lessons which turned out to be very important in my emergence as an out transgender woman. Ultimately, I decided against the surgeries but completely wanted the lifestyle. After all, my gender was between my ears and not between my legs.

Overall, my gender emergence was never easy but all worth it in the short and long term. In essence, an entire new set of life lessons. 

Patch Day

Image from the Jessie 
Hart Archives

I am on estradiol patches I change twice a week. The hormonal patches help to make me who I am and have been fortunate to be prescribed them for years.

Early on progress was slow as I was prescribed the minimal amount of hormones by my doctor. I remember vividly the night I asked my future wife Liz out on New Years Eve when I started my gender affirming hormones. It was a very big night. Initially I began my dosage on pills which as I said were very minimal in dosage. 

Even on the minimal amounts I still felt changes beginning to take place. Possibly because I was already in my sixties and my testosterone levels were decreasing anyhow so there were fewer hormones to do battle with. At any rate, I was beginning to see (or feel) changes primarily in my breasts. Before I knew it, I was experiencing problems finding shirts which were loose enough to not show my protruding breasts. Little did I know, there was so much more to come.

What happened was, when my doctor determined I was not experiencing any ill effects from the new hormones, I was cleared for a higher dosage. With a higher dosage came more changes which I needed to deal with and the changes forced my hand on when I thought I would need to go public as a transgender woman. At the time, as predicted by my doctor, my hair began to grow as fast as my new breasts. More importantly though were the internal changes which were beginning to take place along with the external softening of my skin and facial lines. 

Of course the internal changes were less noticeable in the beginning because I was still so obsessed with my feminine appearance. All the way to the point of thinking my appearance was the reason I went through with HRT or GAH. 

The more I became one with the new hormones which were allowed to invade my old male body, the more I began to understand the process. I really began to change when I switched my health care to the Veteran's Administration and began seeing a new endocrinologist who almost immediately changed my dosage from pills to patches so the new method would provide less wear and tear on my inner organs. At the same time, we discussed upping my dosage slightly as well as how I used my testosterone reducing medication (Spiro) at the same time. 

All of this was working together to provide me with significant internal changes. Suddenly, I could cry for the first time in my life as well as feel my world around me soften. I was more sensitive to temperature changes as well as noticing a big improvement in my sense of smell. Through it all, I even experienced my first feminine hot flashes which initially made me think I was going to internally combust. Little did I know at the time I was just going through another gender puberty in my life. As far as more external changes went, finally I started to develop hips for the first time ever.

Perhaps I am a little dramatic when I think my estradiol patches helped me to become the person I am today. Plus I never forget, how blessed I was with having the health to undertake such a radical hormonal shift in my body. I know so many who couldn't. I know also, so many other transgender women who prefer injections over patches to deliver their life changing hormones. For what ever reason, I have never had much of a problem having the patches adhere to my skin and seem to deliver an overall smoother dosage over the span of a week. That of course, is only my perspective.

Then again, there are those of you who naturally have a higher level of estrogen in your body and don't require gender afforming hormones at all to help you feel secure as a transgender woman. Whatever works, more power to you.