Intersections

 

Image Courtesy Transvestia Magazine

Over the years, I have realized I have experienced several important intersections in my gender development. 

Perhaps my first intersection came when I initially glimpsed my image as a girl in a full length hallway mirror I had at home when I was growing up. I was enamored and immediately wanted to do more. I was hooked to the point where I knew I wanted to do more than just look like a girl, I wanted to be one. Which turned out to be the first indication I had I was more than a cross-dresser, I was transgender. A key intersection into my future.

As I grew up, I faced the same problems other gender dysphoric youth faced too. Our gender closets were very dark and lonely. Particularly in the pre-internet and social media era. Many of you remember when Virginia Prince and her Transvestia publication intersected our lives and we discovered we weren't alone in the world. For me it was a life changing experience when I began to regularly receive my bi-monthly issue of the publication. Of course I wanted desperately to look as good as the models I saw in Transvestia. 

The next major intersection of my gender life came when I started to attend transvestite mixers I read about. Finally, I could meet like minded cross dressers and see what they were up to. What I discovered was a multi layered group of people who were much more diverse than the run of the mill cross-dresser.  I was very enamored with the group I called the "A" listers. Most of them were impossibly feminine and headed towards gender realignment surgeries but others weren't and even brought their girlfriends or spouses. Deep down, I knew where my intersection needed to be, I wanted to hang out with the  "A's" . Just not share their often arrogant attitudes. Even still, I felt I still didn't fit in with either of the groups. I wanted more than just looking like a woman or going under the surgical knife to somehow prove I was a woman. 

Even though I have been able to maintain my attitudes concerning gender surgeries to this day, none of it applied to the decision I needed to make when I approached the choice of undertaking hormone replacement therapy. Again the intersection of my gender life took over and I went to a doctor to be checked out and approved for my hormones. Finally I was on the external and internal gender path I wanted to be on. Externally I was feminized to help me get by in the world as a transgender woman and surprisingly there were many internal changes also. I intersected with my deep seated feminine self and suddenly I was able to feel the world in ways I never thought possible. 

Excepting gender surgeries I never had, I was intersecting with the world as my authentic self in ways I never thought possible. My days living in the mirror and wishing I was a girl were coming true. 

Under Twinkling Holiday Lights

Image courtesy Clifton Mill 

In my past, when I was progressing down my very difficult gender path and leaving my old male self behind, I began to try to experience new and exciting things. 

Part of my plan was to experience activities I enjoyed as a man and experience them as my new feminine self who was enjoying the time in the public's eye. Keep in mind she did not  know how being in public would work at all. She had so little time having done it. 

One of the activities my second wife and I enjoyed doing on a regular basis was taking the short trip to a vintage working grist mill It has become famous in the area for it's Christmas decorations To put it all into perspective, the venue says there are four million lights although I don't know who is patient enough to count them all. None of that mattered to me as I planned for my chance to experience life as my authentic self which was becoming much more than an impossible dream. At the time, my second wife had not passed away as yet and I was very much sneaking around behind her back when I cross dressed as a woman and left the house. I arranged my work schedule to have a rare Friday night off, knowing she would have to work because she was in retail as a manager of a major book store. My plan worked to perfection and in the holiday season hustle and bustle she indeed had to work. She knew all along of my cross -dressing desires but drew the line at me going public as my feminine self. 

As the time went by, I needed to plan what I was going to wear for this all-important evening. I needed to plan for the weather and for my comfort at the same time. I knew the parking situation at the Mill was not the best and I would need to walk a distance to see the lights and holiday displays. For the evening, which turned to be an ideal mid-December, chilly winter evening. The moon and stars were out and I was ready for the magic which was coming my way. But first things first, I had to choose my warmest, fuzziest sweater, leggings and comfortable boots which were suitable for walking. After putting on my clothes and makeup I thought I looked the part of an upscale woman out for a night at the Mill. Little did I know how wonderful the evening would turn out to be. Under the sparling stars and twinkling Christmas lights I finally would have the chance to live as the feminine transgender person I always felt I could be. 

Of course, the first obstacle I needed to conquer was the fairly simple task of stopping and waiting in line for a much-needed hot cocoa with marshmallows. Once I reached the front of the line, I was so nervous, I could barely order. I summoned every ounce of my courage to tell the woman behind the counter and in a low voice ordered my beverage. I was happy and my confidence grew when she smiled at me, took my money, and gave me my drink, and she even wished me a Happy Holidays.  From then on, I had to make a conscious effort to slow the evening down because I was moving so fast and not enjoying the moment as much as I should. From then on I slowed down and enjoyed being in the public's eye as the feminine person I always wanted to be. To celebrate, I even splurged and stopped at another concession for hot cocoa. 

What I remember the most about the whole experience was how heightened my senses were. The lights were brighter and twinkled even better than before. The only thing missing was a visit from Santa Claus himself. He was scheduled to appear later, much to the joy of all the kids in the crowd. In the meantime, I was able to shop the Mill's gift shop but could not buy anything for several reasons. The main one being having my wife questioning what I was doing there in the first place without her.

Before I knew it, I had seen all the animated attractions, plus the Santa doll display. All in full view of an accepting world which was a first for me. From that point forward I had the confidence to do more and more towards exploring the world as the person I always wanted to be. When I had the chance, I started to do the rest of my Christmas shopping as a transgender woman. I look back on my trip to the Mill as the beginning of a wonderful lifetime transformation. I discovered I could be me no matter how difficult the path may prove to be. Discovering the basic differences, the binary genders deal with was a major path to follow.

In many ways, the excitement of the first evening under the holiday lights would be a wonderful beginning to the life I was always destined to live. It was never as easy as walking among the crowds of people un-noticed sipping a hot drink, it was enjoying the totality of being myself. Which would become so increasingly complex as the years progressed in my life. All in all, the holidays lights were a wonderful, even magical beginning to a better life. Without knowing it, I was giving myself a wonderful holiday gift my inner self was wishing for. 

Sadly, time was up too soon and I had to head home to beat my wife there as well as take all vestiges of my makeup off my face. I knew one thing; I couldn't wait to experience such a fun night out again.  

Fear as a Motivator

 

Image from Amanda Jones
on UnSplash

Most of the time I can't remember the number of times I was paralyzed with fear as I pursued my gender path from a serious cross dresser to novice transgender woman. 

Examples include nights I sat in my car sitting in fear trying to figure out if I would go into the venue at all. Some decisions were easy such as entering gay venues but others were much more difficult.  Along the way also I made poor choices on which venues I was trying to go into which caused me to have more fear in the future. Mainly when I tried to visit redneck-ish places to see if I could present well enough to be accepted. The end result a couple of times were not good when I had the police called on me. I learned my lesson and was much more selective on where I went. It worked and the power of my fear was ultimately rewarded when I discovered venues where I could relax, have rest room privileges and become a regular patron.

There was a time when I considered the rush I received when I conquered my fear was a primary reason I cross dressed at all. Of course I finally realized fear was not why I wanted so badly to be a woman. The entire process went much deeper than all of that. What it did do was encourage me to go farther down my gender path. I set up goals I wanted to achieve. When I considered fear as a factor in future cross dressing decisions, it soon was reduced to just being nervous. Ironically, being nervous still sticks with me to this day. I need to push myself to certain restroom decisions because years ago, choosing the women's room was the primary reason I became a target of the public. By years ago, I mean the last time I experienced any restroom problems was nearly three decades ago but then again I am still nervous even though I know my way around the etiquette of using the women's room.  

Eventually I began to understand fear and used it as a powerful motivator. When I was considering not going to a party or a new venue I use fear as a reason to move forward. Of course now since it is rare I go anywhere without my wife Liz, we make a couple which keeps most transphobes at bay. 

Since I am mentally predisposed to having anxiety, I still have a tendency to worry about things such as me being mis-gendered again at my upcoming colonoscopy. Even though I keep thinking if that is all I have to worry about, I really don't have any issues at all...relatively speaking. I better begin to worry about the results of the exam as well as the unpleasant prep process I will have to go through before hand. 

It has occurred to me also, maybe I should have done a better job separating fear with excitement. My earliest days of exploring the world as a transgender woman were very exciting and the fear on occasion was a powerful motivator to conquer the gender anxiety in my life and move on. Plus, overcoming my fears gave me the all important confidence to move into a transgender life.