Owning It.

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
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Long ago I learned the hard way the power of owning my public appearance as a novice transgender woman or very serious cross dresser. 

I was tied too closely to my mirror and didn't realize until it was too late how it could lie to me. Examples included how the mirror told me I was an attractive woman who could go anywhere just to be bounced almost immediately by the public. Many times I would come home in tears wondering where I went wrong. Finally I came to the conclusion I was putting my feminine priorities in the wrong place. In reality my mirror was not in my house but was in the public's eyes. When I learned to dress to blend in with the other women around me, I began to own my existence as a transgender woman. No longer did I have to worry as much about being laughed at in public. 

Also, when I owned my life as a trans woman, I gained the all-important confidence I needed to follow and improve my right to exist in the world. If someone had a problem with me, it became their problem, not mine. The biggest pressure I faced was needing to communicate with the world as my transgender self. Suddenly the process went way past how I sounded into what I was saying. Owning the new gender world I was in meant learning to operate on an entire new spectrum involving an internal look at how the two main binary genders (male and female) communicated. Quickly I learned why men and women couldn't connect on the basics of communication. I learned also both genders put up a sort of invisible barriers when it came to talking to each other. Ironically, I began to be asked by each gender why their spouses or partners didn't understand them. 

I truly didn't find out why I had a key insight into both genders until I was allowed by other women into their world of life and communication. I learned the power of non-verbal communication as well as the seismic power shift between the genders. Basically the process is very simple. Men deal with power systems such as money and athletics when women deal with a more passive aggressive world. I was fortunate in that I was aware of how women formed smaller cliques (not teams like men did) and reacted passively aggressively to those with power. Such as management. When I was in my male management days, I learned the hard way if I wanted something done with my female staff, first I had to sell it with just a few key women on the staff.  Dealing with an alpha female was much different than an alpha male in more than the obvious ways. The ways I needed to learn if I was ever allowed to completely be welcome in the women's sandbox. I needed to win over the alpha females first.

I made it when I paid my gender dues and was able to own my life. The confidence I live with now is but a side benefit.

A Night at the Orchestra

 

Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra

Admittedly, my life as a music fan had leaned towards the classic rock genre. The closest I had been to a concert venue was years before when I went to a Halloween late night silent movie horror show dressed as a shabby prostitute. Now...

When I began to seriously date and live with Liz (now my wife), she expanded my horizons since she was a fan of all sorts of music including the classic and or orchestral scene. It turned out, she wanted someone to go with to see the Cincinnati orchestra's holiday concert. Without thinking of all the ramifications, I quickly agreed to go with her. 

The ramifications I am talking about were back in those days, I was still very much a novice as a public transgender woman. Plus I didn't have anything to wear to an event which ranged from semi-formal to formal. To find something to wear on a very limited budget, I set out on the improbable task of finding an outfit in a thrift store. Amazingly, I did find a black, very sparkly long dress which I could wear with a fringed shawl and for better or for worse I was ready to go. I finished off my black formal look with black tights and comfortable black flats for walking. Once my outfit had been decided, the toughest part was yet to come. 

Getting there was a different story. As I remember, public transportation was available for us to come close to the Music Hall where the performance was to take place. As always my limited mobility issues were a problem as we needed to arrive as close as possible. Plus, by using public transportation we could save money also as Cincinnati has a street car which runs close to the front of Music Hall but it didn't run late enough to help us in the return journey. What we did was decide to do was hail a taxi cab to take us to our next stop. Once we had the logistics of arriving and departing the concert, I needed to concentrate on the paranoia I was feeling about facing the public as a transgender woman in a totally foreign situation. 

Very soon, it was time to attempt to put my fears behind me and enjoy myself. Regardless of my fears, I think most of the public at the concert were in their own worlds and not mine. When that realization sat in, I was able to be impressed by the musical concert. It certainly was not all about me. 

The next stop for our evening was going to be a bit more difficult. First, we had to negotiate a crowd of people attempting to hail a cab. Our second stop or venue was approximately ten or more blocks away and was a place we had been to before so I felt comfortable ahead of time. We had a great time again and all to soon it was time for the trip home. Since we did not want to drink and drive, we ended up taking an Uber ride home. 

After the concert experience I had, I considered it one of the most defining experiences of my novice transgender life. I learned I could put my fears behind me and live a life I had always dreamed of. Overall, I had a great time and experienced a night I will never forget and for the year put me in a first- class holiday state of mind.

Supporting Cast

I'm on left with Nikki and Kim
on right.

There was no way I could have pursued my male to female gender transition as quickly and as thoroughly as I did without help from my women friends. 

Having said that, it is important to note I had already made it to the point in my transition when I could present rather well as a woman in public. In other words, I had paid my dues learning to dress to blend with other women in the venues I frequented. When I went to upscale malls, I went with my nicest professional business woman attire and then I would wear my jeans, boots and sweaters going to my sports bars or lesbian bars. To me at the time, the entire process was great fun and presented me with yet another facet of being feminine. 

After I had learned from all of my mistakes (or most of them), I was able to learn so much more about going even further towards my dream goal of living as a full time transgender woman. By pure chance I ran into two other women in the sports bars I was frequenting and we became fast friends. One of the main things I learned was I didn't need a man to validate my existence as a transgender woman because my two friends just happened to be lesbians.  Along the way, we drank a lot of beer, cheered on our favorite sports teams and had a great time. I think the evening I remember the most was when I was asked to be Nikki's wing person when she was trying to get a conversation started with another woman she admired. I agreed to try If you are wondering, I failed at my attempt to set Nikki up for success. It turned out to be my only attempt ever to act as a wing person at a lesbian mixer. All of that happened back in 2015.

Of course too, there was Liz who I met on a on-line dating site under "woman seeking woman" categories. She too identified as a lesbian, so I had quite a bit of experience on some of her thought patterns involving men. With her, my supporting cast just became stronger. At the time, I was in the last stages of still attempting to maintain some sense of having a male life. Very quickly, we formed a bond which included a first date to a drag show and a New Years Eve date when I first started my hormone replacement therapy medication. At the time, she very much sealed the deal on me transitioning further. I knew I was on the right path. 

I kept on putting off going full-time as a transgender woman long enough until Liz finally told me she didn't see any male in me at all and why didn't I leave him behind. I did and started a ten year relationship which culminated just over a year ago with us getting married. Throughout the years, she has been my supporting cast.

Plus I can't forget my daughter's input on my life. She has accepted me from day one. Even to the point of giving me my first hair styling appointment to her salon for my birthday. Which is a post for another time. 

To all of my supporting cast, I love you all.