Always on Stage

 

Photo from the Jessie
Hart Archives

Sadly Sunday night involved an emergency trip to the hospital because my wife Liz was having severe pains. 

You may recall, recently she went through two surgical procedures and was progressing smoothly...or we thought. The problem with going to the hospital the way we did, in the emergency situation, I did not have any chance to prepare or, no close shave or makeup of any kind. Not even a chance to tie my hair back. I had to go the way I was  and try to rely on my inherent androgyny I have lived with since I began hormone replacement therapy years ago. As it turned out, no one on the emergency room staff seemed to care since I imagine they have seen it all.

More important of course was my wife Liz's condition which was initially diagnosed  as a bowel blockage. Fortunately, after her doctor saw her, he thought he could go forward with no further surgery but she would have to stay in the hospital on a special diet. What a relief!

The whole process meant I needed to spend the day with her yesterday at the hospital with Liz. This time at least, I got the chance to prepare. I shaved, put on some makeup and went out into the world to battle traffic to go to the hospital. Of course, during the day, I needed restrooms to use to get rid of all the coffee I drink. Most everyone was really nice except the usual two people in a group who were not. 

As I walked past a certain group in particular asking for directions to the rest rooms I was glared at by two women in particular. Since I had to go I ignored them and the fact the rest of the group's gossip had gone silent. Since it was shift change, I had to go right past the group on the way back. This time I was struggling because I can only walk so far anymore without my back killing me. So I was walking hunched over as I was in pain. Hard to present as good as possible when it is a struggle to even walk. But I had no choice I had to make it.

Make it I did, and the women who glared at me, I managed to glare right back at. After all, since I have been out and about as long as I have I am used to always being on stage as a transgender woman. Men notice me and more importantly, women do to. Most of the time, I don't have any problems at all. I mind my own business and the world minds its business. 

Happily, Liz is going to be released today so I need to go back and get her from the hospital. Once again I will get ready the way I did yesterday and face the world with a smile on my face.

The Ultimate Obsession

 

Image from Brett Jordan
on UnSplash

As I recall, the ultimate obsession I had with being feminine began with explorations into my Mom's clothing and makeup. Once I started I couldn't let it go.

Little did I know, I would need to follow quite the winding and rough path as I crossed the gender border from male to female. As soon as I conquered one of my goals and escaped my very dark and lonely closet another wall or barrier would crop up to challenge my obsession. An example would be how I imagined just improving my outward feminine appearance would be enough to help me live in the world as a transgender woman. All the process really did was set me up for other huge challenges.

Challenges such as how I would or ever could learn to communicate with other women in their world. Nothing in the process was easy and often terrifying. The old "no pain-no gain" saying proved to be all too true. Just attempting to modulate a feminine sounding voice to match my appearance was the ultimate challenge. Plus I needed to learn to always make eye contact with other women as we engaged in conversation. A simple statement saying I loved another woman's ear-rings often proved to be the ice breaker I needed to survive in my new gender world. 

Through it all, my male self was fighting me all the way. Every move I made to try to enable me to be more feminine was a problem to him. Deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle because when I was pursuing my authentic self I felt so natural. So everytime I was questioning the path I was taking, the bottom line was if it all felt so natural, it was the right thing to do. Somehow I needed to conquer my fears and temporary setbacks and follow my own personal ultimate obsession. Follow it I did.

No matter how complex my life became as I ended up attempting to share a life between the two primary genders, until the pressure became too intense to survive, I did my best to live my life. My male self kept resorting back to what he had always done...internalize his feelings and hope for the best. His best never came as I continued my path towards my ultimate obsession. Even then, I had no idea if I could make it to my ultimate goal of living a life as a transgender woman. Fulltime with no interference from my old male self. 

As I always point out the struggle nearly killed me and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I was one of the lucky trans women or trans men who all of a sudden found the doors opening which would allow me to finally follow my obsession which had followed me my entire life.  Destiny showed me the way around life's setbacks such as close friends and family dying. It all allowed me to have very little resistance to living my own life as I saw fit. Also near the same time, the Veterans health care system I was part of started to provide help with hormone replacement therapy, which I was fortunate enough to be healthy enough to be a part of.

In short, my life which was very much in shambles faded away and I was finally able to achieve my ultimate obsession. To lead a feminine life and even to become remarried again to my wife Liz who accepted me all the way. 

The path I took was never easy but on the other hand, my trip was never boring and provided me with a unique look at life others never have.  

Veterans Weekend

 

Civil War Cemetery image from 
the Jessie Hart archives.  

Since I am a veteran of the Army during the Vietnam War era, I feel as if I can expand the observance of Veterans Day to more than one day.

Veterans I think should be recognized for their service as well as their sacrifice. It should be noted many vets joined the military to try to outrun their gender issues. Or, the well worn, the military will make me a man theory. More than a few transgender people tried the same method by getting married and having children. In my defense, I did neither. I was in essence drafted into the military and decided to get married to my first wife just ahead of the birth of my only child. 

Interestingly, since I now live as a transgender woman, most of my friends and acquaintances don't remember at all that I am a veteran. As such, I receive very few thanks from anyone for my service. Then again, it fits right in with my experience as a Vietnam Vet. For those who don't remember or aren't old enough, the war was very unpopular. Even to the point of taking it out on the people who served. I gave my Army uniform to my Mom while telling her I never wanted to see it again. In the years following, I reclaimed it as memories started to fade.

It always bears mentioning, the number of in the closet transgender veterans who never had a chance to escape their gender closets and ended up paying the ultimate cost for their country is tremendous. Veterans Day is just one of several days of the year we should pause to remember those service men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country. And what would we have without their service. 

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the other veterans who I know read this blog.  Thanks for your service.