Ode to Halloween

 

Halloween image from
the Jessie Hart Archive (Tom on
Left)

I have lived long enough to experience Halloween coming full circle.

Early in life I experienced the urge to wear a feminine costume but never had the courage to break out of my gender closet and do it. Plus I lived in such a small rural area, there weren't too many kids to go around and once you were pigeon holed into a certain category with your peer group you couldn't get out.  Examples included friends who were good or bad students as well as those who were always the outstanding athletes in the class. There was never any space for a stray boy who wanted to be a girl.

So I had a deeper reason never, ever express my feminine longings at all on Halloween. On top of all of that, I never saw any other boys who were dressed as girls. No cheerleaders, princesses or any of the stereotypes from the female world. The only time I can remember ever seeing a fellow male in drag or cross dressed was for selected festivals in high school. I was amazed at their male to female transformation. Plus I did hear the gossip concerning another guy in school I didn't really know who was dressed in his sister's clothes for his "costume" as the rumor went. I was so envious!

Once the years progressed and I naturally achieved more freedom to be my own person, I was able to pursue more courageous goals as far as Halloween went. I tentatively used the holiday to sneak out of my closet and explore. Could I dare make it in public as my feminine self. Very early I learned lessons I could take with me for years as I transitioned. I found if I dressed more conservatively at Halloween I indeed could have a chance to present well in the public's eye as a woman. As it turned out, all of this would be just the beginning of what I could learn on my ever rocky gender journey. 

Halloween made it possible for me to understand I could indeed live a life as my authentic feminine self. The only real problem came when I could only experience my terrifying yet exciting new life once a year. I was increasingly forced into the real world to learn my new gender lessons. All of which were made possible by Halloween.

Ironically, the more I learned from my initial experiences, the more I found the lessons would serve me well when I transitioned into a world ran primarily by women. If I could get other women to accept me, the better and easier I would have it. I also learned the hard way the process I would need to go through with men to attempt acceptance. Along the way, when I learned the better I presented at Halloween parties as a woman, the more of my male privileges were lost. Almost instantly, my old male friends began to leave me alone with the rest of the women. 

These days I have gone full circle with Halloween. It has served it's purpose of launching my journey down a path to be a full time transgender woman. So I don't have any need to go to any parties with elaborate costumes. I have done all of that and it is time to sit back and recognize Halloween for all the amazing experiences I was provided.

Forces of Nature

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 As we go through life as transgender women or trans men, we just have to develop a hard shell of sorts to get us by.

Sadly, we often have to resort to hiding and sneaking around our family's back to at the least keep our gender dysphoria issues at bay. At least in my case, even though I wasn't proud of it, I spent hours or even days trying to figure out how I could do my cross dressing. Even to the point I wish I could get back just a portion of the creative energy I expended on dressing like a girl. Obviously, it is way too late now to worry over expended energy as the entire process made me stronger.

Little did I know, I would need all of the strength I could summon to make it through my upcoming long and twisted gender journey. Along the way, I needed to survive all the unkind external forces I would end up facing. Before I grasped the importance of learning how to cross dress my male body to blend into the world. Possibly the biggest lesson I needed to learn was cis-women ran the world I wanted to be a part of. Without the women's help and approval, there would be no way I would be allowed to play in their sandbox, as I like to refer to it as. 

To be a force of nature, I needed to learn to be a gentle force. In other words I needed to play off my gender differences. I could never try to claim my womanhood the same way my friends did but I could claim my right to admittance to being a woman because I had always felt deep down I had always felt feminine. All the way to the point I had always been a student of everything feminine. I paid my own dues in so many ways to finally pave my path to my trans womanhood. One of the most amazing parts of my journey came when I was chosen to be a part of a photo shoot here in Cincinnati which featured all sorts of different kinds of women. 

Being a force of nature is often a burden also. On occasion I think people expect too much from transgender women or trans men. For the same reason we are feared in some circles these days, other people want to hate on us as a community. Mainly because they don't understand our lifestyle. It is especially evident to me when it comes to certain politicians I have recently seen. Primarily when my "gay-dar" immediately went off when I saw the new Speaker of the House who has repeatedly issued homophobic comments. 

All in all, it takes every bit of knowledge we trans people have acquired to make it in a world hostile to us. In a climate where certain political parties and religions are trying to erase us, the fact remains we have always been here and always will. 

Rest assured, we are true transgender forces of nature. Trained to do our best to survive as a tribe and never go back. 

Visible Activism

 

Image from the Jessie Hart Archives

I came across the term "Visible Activism" from a comment I received yesterday from Charli. It was in response to the post I had written concerning Liz's hospital stay. The entire day and a half was a real emotional roller coaster for me.

In addition to the excessive walking along with hours of sitting in unforgiving chairs being tough on my bad back, facing all those new people who could question my gender made the day and a half a real challenge. To make a long story short, I faced quite a few people.

Years ago, I came to the conclusion that most people don't care if I am transgender or not. They are involved in their own lives and can't make room to add you into theirs. Then there are the people who may notice you and approve of you living as your authentic self as a trans woman or trans man. That is the point where visible activism comes into play. Just living your life as a person in the world when people see you, it opens the door for other positive interactions with others in the transgender community.

Then, there are the minority who see you as transgender and don't approve as if it is any of their business. Naturally, they are the problem people we all dread seeing or interacting with. Out of all the people I encountered in the last two days, I ran into nearly none who reacted in a very negative way to me. One was a very small child who somehow locked on to me in a crowd of people and kept shouting for his Mother to look before I was able to disappear into the masses. The other was a clerk at the pharmacy I went to later in the day to pick up meds for Liz. He called me "Sir" as I went on my way. By this time I was so exhausted by the day, I didn't say anything and just went on my way.

To be certain, visible activism can be difficult depending largely upon your ability to present well to the world. Some days I think I represent my feminine side fairly well while other days, when my gender dysphoria kicks in, my confidence level drops and I have a difficult time facing the world. Those are the days I have to assure myself that all is not as bleak as it seems. Plus, this is the life I chose and I gave up quite a bit to arrive at where I am. 

It is also important to note I made the choice to not have any sort of surgeries at all. No facial feminization or genital realignment work at all. I know in the eyes of the medical world, I still am a biological male just living as a female. At least that is what I have been told by a very out of sorts nurse. I doubt if I made any difference to her in her world which obviously wasn't going very well the day I encountered her. 

Other people in the world I hope I am more successful with. Because ,as another transgender day of remembrance rapidly approaches in November, it will be time again to think about all of those who did (and continue) to make the ultimate sacrifice just to live as their authentic selves. Especially with the political climate around the country, visible activism becomes so much more important. It shows the world we are here to stay. 

Thanks again to Charli for the comment! It meant a lot as I never think I am doing enough to help the transgender or LGBTQ community.