Falling Leaves

Image from Melissa Askew
on UnSplash

We are coming close to the peak of fall weather here in Southwestern Ohio.

The leaves on our trees are beginning their seasonal changes to red and gold and are starting to fall from the trees. On top of all of that we have been blessed (so far) with fairly mild temperatures and sunshine. In fact, we will have several days in the seventies this week. All weather news aside, fall has always been a bittersweet time of the year for me. 

I positively loved the fashion changes the cooler weather brought about. Primarily because I could cover all the pesky arm hair I couldn't cover with summer fashions with any long sleeved tops or blouses. I couldn't shave my arms because I needed to wear short sleeves on occasion when I worked in the kitchen at work. I also was/am fond of the leggings I acquired. My thought pattern is the tight leggings gave my legs a feminine shape. Completing my outfits, I normally wore fuzzy, oversized sweaters. My wardrobe even was approved by my ultra critical second wife. For the most part, this was the sweet part of the bittersweet term.

The bitter portion came when I stopped to consider the overall changes of the season. I vividly remember when I was coming home one night when I was living in Bowling Green, Ohio shortly before I went into the Army. The wind was blowing leaves across the road ahead of me in my headlights. Even in my pre-hormonal days, I nearly cried when I thought of all the upcoming changes which were coming in my life. Not only could I not pursue my gender goals, it was looking as if I couldn't even cross dress in my feminine clothes at all for the three years when I was in the military. All of the sudden, the weight of the world was coming down on me. On top of that, my fiancé at the time decided to break up with me because I was a cross dresser so I was all alone in my time of need.

To add insult to injury, I was able to bring a small wardrobe of clothes, wig and makeup with me to dress up in the apartment when my other roommates were away for break. I came home one night and after I did my prep work (shaving my legs and face) I went to look for my clothes and they were gone. Someone I discovered my hiding place and taken it all. I was equal parts mad and devastated because I just didn't have the courage to bring it up to my roommates when they returned from winter break. Besides, by this time, I only had a few weeks before I needed to report to Ft. Knox, Kentucky for basic training. I managed to salvage a bit of fun in the situation knowing how little humor a drill sergeant would have had if I showed up in a mini skirt. So I didn't need the clothes anyhow.  

These days, since I have transitioned into a transgender woman's life as far as I want to, I can enjoy the fall weather and leaves for what they are. A beautiful reminder of how life and seasons change for the better, even if I know the cold of winter isn't so far away. Without ever trying to look too far ahead, I know after the drab winter months, the green leaves and grass returns for another warm season. I mention often how the seasonal changes are fun for me because I can examine my feminine wardrobe and update it for the season ahead, Something I was always jealous of the cis-women around me during most of my life. I represented the drab winter too much it seemed while the women were able to explore new colors and fashions when the seasons changed. 

I guess you can say, I paid my seasonal fashion dues the difficult way and can now try to enjoy my new feminine transgender life. I view it this way, I lived nearly sixty years as a man and now I have lived over ten years as a transwoman. I had a lot of catching up to do. All the cross dressing in the world couldn't make up for the fact I couldn't take the final step and transition. The only good feelings I could take away from all my crossdressing experiences in the world were, at the least, I leaned many lessons of what I was getting myself into when I left the male world and entered the world of women. It wasn't easy as I needed to learn to play in the girl's sandbox before I earned my way in.

Witches Come Together

 

Witches Ball Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives...

Not so long ago, I was part of a group of Wiccans who put together sizeable parties every Halloween called "Witches Balls."

At it's peak, over five hundred people attended in a very appropriate huge vintage venue across the Ohio River from Cincinnati. Liz and I had plenty of experiences with the event because we went on several dates there before we were involved with organizing it. One of my fondest memories came when the Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow impersonator flirted with me one year when the party was featuring pirates and also belly dancers. I also enjoyed watching the sexy gyrations of the dancers as I was given a chance to sit down with Liz and kick off my heels and watch. As much as I was enjoying wearing the heels, I was still paying the price for wearing them too long. 

Of course, since it was Halloween, costumes were an intricate part of the event and I was always on the outlook for the occasional cross dresser whose look was just a little too good. As close as I ever came was when I ran into a Facebook acquaintance who is also transgender who was selling her jewelry at the party. Overall, I was surprised I never was able to see anyone else who dressed as a woman for the evening. One thing for sure, I didn't need anyone else's approval  and I had a great time. 

Sadly, the larger witches ball's have become a thing of the past around Cincinnati and now are only held in smaller venues such as bars or taverns. So Halloween has increasingly become another rather boring day. However, I will be forever in debt of Halloweens past as they opened doors for me to express my true self long before I ever thought it was possible. We don't even have enough young trick or treaters stop by to see if any of the young boys are still dressing as cheerleaders. 

I do miss also the huge volunteer organizational effort it took to enable the events to happen at all. The feel good portion of the whole affair happened when we were able to donate a fairly large sum to one of the local homeless shelters. Karma is real and it is always nice to pay forward when you can. 

Since I live fulltime as a transgender woman for so long now, I don't need the feminine experience of a Halloween costume to shore me up. But on occasion I still miss what Halloween did for me in my life. Along the way, it became my most important, influential holiday. It opened my eyes to what could be possible and I could actually live out my gender dreams.   

Welcome to Hell

Inside "Casa Susanna" A dream trip I never made. 

My early days of dealing with a severe case of gender dysphoria can only be described as being in hell.

For those of you who can remember the dark days of information before the internet and social media, you also recall the days of being completely alone in your dark gender closet. Since I was raised in a very male dominated family, I knew escaping my own closet was going to be difficult at it's best. I was forced to sneak around behind my family's back to steal away the time to cross dress in my small stash of girls clothes and makeup. I even resorted to storing away my clothes and a spare mirror in plastic bags in a hollowed out tree in the woods next to our house.

Through it all, I knew the whole process of dressing as a girl made me feel better but somehow would have to be enough to get me by. I followed the vicious cycles of feeling the gender euphoria of being feminine in my mirror with deep depression when I was denied access to my clothes. I learned very early I wanted to do more than look feminine, I wanted to be feminine. Way before the term transgender was ever invented. to put the date in perspective, I would have been in the 1960's before I hit my teenaged years and still years away from my military duty and discovering Virginia Prince and her "Transvestia" publication which only dealt with so called heterosexual cross dressers or transvestites. I mention "Tranvestia" again because it was my first link to other like minded people. 

From then on, I knew I wasn't alone and could even go to transvestite mixers which were within driving distance of me. Even though I had discovered others, it turned out I was still dealing with my own personal hell. I still needed to be able to deal with the gender euphoric times followed by longer periods of gender dysphoric down times. Ironically I brought much of my hell on myself by not knowing the best ways to dress and apply makeup to best present my inner female to the public world. I had a difficult time dealing with all the stares, all the way to laughter when I tried to take on the world. Once I began to learn how to best handle the public, along came the Army to disrupt my life. As much as I didn't really want to experience military life at all, specifically I didn't know how I could exist three long years without having a chance to express my feminine self. For years, as I waited for the Vietnam War to draft me, I went through hell considering it's ramifications to me.

One way or another, I made it through the three years and couldn't wait for the relative freedom I had to escape my own personal gender hell, no matter how briefly. 

My big escape came when I made the highly personal decision to stop considering myself a cross dresser when I went out and I transitioned into thinking of myself as a transgender woman. Semantics to be sure but a huge move for me mentally. By mentally transitioning I was able to take a huge step out of my own personal gender hell. In many ways, I entered my golden years of MtF gender transition by leaving much of my hell behind and be able to increasingly explore the world. 

From then on I was able to free myself from my gender dysphoric hell and start to live my dream life as a transgender woman. Although I want to say the process was worth it, I wouldn't wish my journey on my worst enemy.