Gender Chaos

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

Over time, I began to consider the chaos being transgender caused in my life. 

Looking back, I wish I had just a portion of the time back I wasted as I worried about how I was going to deal with all my gender issues. Every time I was able to set aside precious time to cross dress as my feminine self, I was only able to feel better for a short time before reality set back in and I started to resist my same old unwanted male self again. When it happened, I would become a terrible person to be around. Even to the point of losing jobs because of my actions.  Needless to say, this portion of my life was very self destructive. 

What I ended up doing was trying to outrun my gender issues which in my case I describe as gender dysphoria. I tried by changing jobs (which often involved moving) often and drank entirely too much alcohol as I attempted to out macho all my male friends while at the same time dulling my pain. Fortunately, I was able to stop my alcohol abuse in time to lessen any further chance of lasting damage to my body.

Backtracking a bit to all the moves I subjected my second wife to, we picked up and moved from our native Southwestern Ohio to the metro New York City area to run a fast food franchise. Perhaps an ulterior motive was to move to a much more liberal community which would provide more potential possibilities for my cross dressing gender expressions. After surviving almost two years, it was time to move again, as we returned to our native Ohio. As it turned out, yet another move awaited both my wife and I as I accepted a job to open fast food venues in Southern Ohio which turned out to be the exact opposite living situation than we faced in New York. We ended up renting a very rustic house in a rural area where we heated with a wood stove and utilized a cistern for our drinking water. Even still, I found ways to learn more about my gender challenges as I traveled into the nearest town.

Ironically, during this point of my life, I fueled my gender chaos by being successful with my feminine presentation. It was around this time when I started to begin doing the grocery shopping for the family as well as sneaking in quite a bit of shopping for myself. In essence, I leaned I could be on the right track thinking I could follow my secret dream of living as a fulltime transgender woman.  Little did I know how much chaos would lie ahead as my future played out. 

Recently I heard a comment which describes a large portion of the chaos I was to face. As I write about often, my deceased second wife knew and didn't object to my transvestite or cross dressing desires but never approved of me beginning hormones and starting to live more and more as a woman. As I headed down a path to no return with my gender desires. The comment involved the concept of emotional cheating and I immediately applied it to me. During my twenty five year marriage to my wife, I never physically cheated on her with anyone. However, as I became increasing involved with learning to exist in a feminine world, I started to sneak around behind my wife's back to live my new life. I wasn't proud of what I did but my only excuse was my chaos was so severe I could only do what I needed to do to survive. As I emotional cheated. 

All I know for sure, living through gender chaos is no joke and proves once again being a transgender woman or trans man is not a choice. Any transphobe who says it is needs to walk in our shoes for just a short time to see our truth.   

"Trans-Dar" Activated

 

Image from Nikki Smith

Yesterday I happened upon two television shows with  LGBTQ friendly hosts. 

During both shows, I was actually late in tuning in and missed the very beginning of the segments. During the first show, my "Trans-dar" didn't really go off at all until the questions started. Of course, once I realized the woman was transgender I began to pay closer attention to what was going on. It turned out the trans woman's sister invited her to be in her wedding. I immediately thought what was the problem? It turns out the trans woman was forced to walk down the aisle by herself because no one in the best man's party would commit to even holding her hand for the walk. Of course, I felt her situation deeply having experienced something similar to that myself.

Years ago, when I began to become close to a small group of people in a venue I became a regular in, I was invited to join in a bachelorette party. To make a long story short, my invitation was revoked for a reason I was never told. Life went on and I was disappointed but I got over it. Maybe one of more of the other invitees objected to me being invited at all. I moved on forever wondering what went wrong.  Joining in with a bachelorette women's party at the time would have done wonders for my overall confidence with my presentation as well as my confidence in my new life.

Since I rarely see any shows on television which cover transgender  women or men at all, I was surprised on the same day, to see yet another program featuring another trans person. This time my "Trans-dar" did go off and I was able to research who I was watching and came up with "Nikki Smith". During the interview, she was able to provide feedback (in a short period of time) on the issues we face as transgender women. Especially in Utah where she grew up and the problem of finding her way in a field such as rock climbing. Both her and the interviewer did an incredible job of providing an insight on our lives.

Even still, both shows plus what I heard on one of the cable news networks I am a fan of, left me deeply troubled on the future of LGBTQ people in an overall sense and trans people in particular will have to face in the future. Texas (of course) was featured in a show I was watching when they pointed out how far right wing companies such as "Patriot Mobile" in Texas are funneling thousands of dollars into winning local school board races. Which in turn force schools into anti-gender and racial systems  of education and book banning. Closer to home, the school board where I live just painted out a diversity mural the middle school students had painted. Amid many protests the board ignored.

Hopefully the whole process back fires on the gender and racial bigots and the younger generation continues on their path to providing a more equitable future for all. 

Looking back...Again

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

Rumor has it October is my birthday month and this year I am coming as close as I can  to being seventy five years old without actually being there.

As I am not really in the habit of celebrating anything but my milestone birthdays, so this year is not really in that category, yet. 

Even still this year for my birthday I find myself looking back at how I lived my life, good and bad. As I reminisce, the first thing I always encounter is how long I waited to let the world in to my true self. In other words was waiting until my early sixties until I came out to the world as a transgender woman. The time just felt right for me for several different reasons. The first being my life as a three days a week cross dresser just wasn't cutting it and I was becoming increasingly frustrated with attempting to live a life between two of the main binary genders. I felt as if I was being completely torn apart when I did it. 

I also felt as if I had taken my unwanted male existence and made the best of it for as long as I could and it was time to let it all go. During my male life I had achieved such milestones as fathering a child, completing an education, serving in the military and holding down a good job. And, maybe most importantly, my body had given me a healthy life to work with. To this day, the only operation I have undergone was having my tonsils removed. Most certainly, good health is the key to a good life. 

Perhaps, as I look back, I was a user when it came to my male life and a taker when I transitioned into a feminine world. When I made it into my sixties, I had used up most all of the male privilege life had to offer and it was time for a change. If you want to fault me for feeling this way, I plead guilty as I played the best I could the gender cards I was played. During my life, on occasion, I did gamble on moving and job changes to advance my male life, what I didn't gamble on was when I decided to complete my male to female gender transition. What I did do was explore every facet of the possibility I could live my dream and exist as my feminine self. I went out into many areas of the world to see how I was accepted and in most cases came back with a positive response.

Also, I know in some circles, waiting so long to trnasition makes me less transgender than others consider themselves to be.  I can only say, the past I lived and survived in was a different world than the one today.  Plus, I can care less what anybody says about me except my wife and daughter. With the outside world bringing all the pressure on the trans community politically, it is time to put petty differences behind us and go forward together. 

Perhaps the benefit of age can give us a better look around and not focus on the red hatted crazies who still support a former president.  But on a positive note, it is always good to put another year behind me and always hope for better in the year to come.