From Dreams to Reality

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection

Very early in life, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never told the truth. I would fall back on the politically gender correct answer and say the usual such as a lawyer, doctor etc. The reason I say politically correct is because how I really wanted to answer was with the truth. All along I wanted just to be a woman when I grew up.

I do think, at the time, I did know what a difficult proposition being feminine was all about. Primarily against my will, all along I was becoming more entrenched in a male lifestyle I never wanted. When I was being the square peg being pounded or forced into societies' square hole, I hated it. Even then I put up a brave front and liked the popular male things such as sports and cars, in reality I wanted to be the kid with the new doll baby at Christmas rather than the BB Gun I was gifted. But, life went on along with a pending meeting with the military along with the Vietnam War. I outran the war as long as I could. Finally it caught up with me and I enlisted for three years in the Army, rather than being drafted and insuring me a sure date with Vietnam. 

I dreamed of pursuing a goal of pursuing my early career in the radio broadcasting business while I served my military service for my country. Sure it was all a long shot but the long shot suddenly became a reality with the help of a local congressman whose radio station I worked for. With his backing, I was able to work a year in Thailand for the AFTN Radio and Television Network and then against all odds, managed to end up in Germany working a year and a half for AFN or the American Forces Network Europe. In doing so I was able to experience new cultures on different continents while I tried to keep my eye on the goal I couldn't seem to lose, the desire to be a woman.   

As we approach Halloween season, it is important to note how important Halloween was to me. Primarily because the parties I attended in "costume" as a woman allowed me to experiment on how far I was advancing  my feminine presentation and more importantly could I exist in the public's eye as my dream  woman. I have plenty of posts I will be sharing as we come closer to the actual day of Halloween. 

Spoiler alert, of course I finally did overcome all my doubts of ever being able to live out my dream but found I still had a long distance to go on my gender journey. Every time I think I was making progress, I found I still had so much farther to go.  As destiny directed me, I painted myself into a gender corner I couldn't delude myself to continue. I was ready to take the final step and live my dream of being a full time transgender woman. No more of just thinking I was just a weekend cross dresser, I needed more.

When I did, the final step was till more scary and ambitious than I ever imagined. I still remember the day I gave what was left of my male clothes to the thrift store and resolved to never look back on my old male life. No more just hiding behind my cross dressing until I could escape back to my comfortable world of male privileges. Through it all, my HRT or hormone replacement therapy helped to alter my male body enough to help my difficult attempt to present convincingly as a woman. 

From dreams to reality, the long twisting gender experience was worth it. My lifelong dream was a true one and I learned I was not making anything up. I was living how I wanted. 

Letting the World In

Image from Adrianna Geo
On UnSplash...

Recently, in one of my Veteran's Administration LGBT support sessions I have been attending, the moderator mentioned we weren't coming out as much as we were letting people in.

The idea resonated with me and I have used it extensively recently. Even more so when I considered adding it to my post from yesterday when my daughter included me in a group of her women friends who were attending a drag show. Even though I was extremely new in my explorations in the world as a transgender woman, I decided to go along. No matter how scared the whole idea made me feel. The problem was I had always thought I had carefully planned my progression within the gender labels I was dealing with at the time. In other words, for the longest time I had considered myself a cross dresser or transvestite even though (deep down) I didn't feel as if the labels fit me. 

When I was procrastinating with my gender development, people such as my daughter, my wife Liz and friend Kim were prepared to propel me quickly forward. I guess they saw more potential in my feminine self than I did on occasion. Plus, there was always my old male self to deal with. He was holding me back as he didn't want to lose what was left of his existence. Understandably he still controlled a few very important facets of my life which I could not let the world into. Those facets included my employment and interaction with friends or family to name a few. He was stubborn and very difficult to overcome so I had a tendency to try to go slow. 

Over the past several posts I have written about how going slow went with my daughter. When I summoned the courage to let her in to my true world, she went all in to help me. First with an invitation to go shopping, to a visit to her beauty parlor/salon for my first hair styling experience and last but not least, an exciting but scary night out with her girl friends. If I was going to be a woman around her, I learned quickly it was time to put my male self on hold.

The pattern continued with my friend Kim who invited me to an pro-football game with her and her family. Again, I hadn't been living as my authentic self very long and ended up wearing my old ill-fitting wig and out I went to the game. Sure, it was scary but I will forever remember Kim for the kindness she shared with me when I needed it the most on my gender journey. In addition, she really propelled me out of the closet and let the world in. She saw me as the true person I was.

Perhaps the person who propelled me the farthest ahead was my wife Liz. When we first met over twelve years ago, I still had a few basic ties intact with my old male self. At that point she told me one day why didn't I transition the rest of the way as she didn't see any male in me. I had finally reached the end of my transgender journey. There was no excuse to even consider continuing to live at all as my old male self.

With the wonderful help of the people I mentioned, plus others I didn't, my gender journey was put on hyper speed after years of going so slow. Once I let the world in, they came and conquered. 

The Original Girls Night Out

The Rubi Girls

Over a space in time, I have written about the girl's nights out I was fortunate to be invited to. During each one, I learned tons of information about how cis-women interact by themselves when there are no men in the group.

Last night it occurred to me I had forgotten perhaps the most important night out with women which I had ever experienced. My excuse is, it happened such a long time ago. Just after I came out to my daughter who immediately began to explore ways to get me more situated as a transgender woman. This time, she came up with the idea I should go along with her and her girl friends to a glitzy drag show in Dayton, Ohio.

The drag show was actually put on by a very entertaining group of female impersonators called the "Rubi Girls". They are still together to this day and have raised well over a million dollars over the years for AID'S research. They have been performing since the 1980's and I had heard about their legendary shows but had not ever made it to one...until my daughter stepped in.

It turned out the drag troupe had closer ties to my daughter's family than I had ever imagined. So close, my oldest grandson had one of the Rubi's as a fourth grade teacher where he went to school. Thanks to a remarkable amount of diversity back in those days, the teacher was a fully out gay man being allowed to teach. Further more, after I let my three grandchildren into my world, my fourth grader came home from school one day and announced how proud he was that the teacher and his new transgender grandparent were the same. Then my daughter need to explain the differences between the two of us. Which she gladly did. Diversity at it's finest.

At the point of going though, I wasn't thinking about the warm feelings involved with my new found family diversity as I was thinking about how scared I was to go at all. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my daughter or myself in front of her friends. As we prepared for the evening, my daughter even prepped me on the other women in the group to try my best to steer clear of. After what seemed like forever, the night rolled around as I obsessed on what to wear. I only remember now I just wanted to fit in with the suburban chic fashion my daughter and her friends were wearing. I also remember being very quiet and speaking only when I was spoken to. Again, because I was so scared. 

The whole evening really served to kick me out of my gender closet. I had it coming because I opened up to my daughter about my reality and she followed through in a big way. I survived by putting on my big girl panties and doing the best I could to enjoy the drag show. Looking back, after I was able to breathe, I think I could even be a little proud of myself for my accomplishment. In my mind at least, I felt I had made another giant step from being a cross dresser, all the way to achieving my dream of living as a transgender woman. In other words, I reached down and just pulled the band aid off as quickly as I could to preclude any pain.

Since my daughter owned a big van, she drove that night and for some reason I have never asked her if she had any negative feedback from any of her friends. If I remember, someday I will have to ask because I was just trying to act as if it was the most normal thing to do. When in fact, the whole evening was my first girls night out.