The Original Girls Night Out

The Rubi Girls

Over a space in time, I have written about the girl's nights out I was fortunate to be invited to. During each one, I learned tons of information about how cis-women interact by themselves when there are no men in the group.

Last night it occurred to me I had forgotten perhaps the most important night out with women which I had ever experienced. My excuse is, it happened such a long time ago. Just after I came out to my daughter who immediately began to explore ways to get me more situated as a transgender woman. This time, she came up with the idea I should go along with her and her girl friends to a glitzy drag show in Dayton, Ohio.

The drag show was actually put on by a very entertaining group of female impersonators called the "Rubi Girls". They are still together to this day and have raised well over a million dollars over the years for AID'S research. They have been performing since the 1980's and I had heard about their legendary shows but had not ever made it to one...until my daughter stepped in.

It turned out the drag troupe had closer ties to my daughter's family than I had ever imagined. So close, my oldest grandson had one of the Rubi's as a fourth grade teacher where he went to school. Thanks to a remarkable amount of diversity back in those days, the teacher was a fully out gay man being allowed to teach. Further more, after I let my three grandchildren into my world, my fourth grader came home from school one day and announced how proud he was that the teacher and his new transgender grandparent were the same. Then my daughter need to explain the differences between the two of us. Which she gladly did. Diversity at it's finest.

At the point of going though, I wasn't thinking about the warm feelings involved with my new found family diversity as I was thinking about how scared I was to go at all. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my daughter or myself in front of her friends. As we prepared for the evening, my daughter even prepped me on the other women in the group to try my best to steer clear of. After what seemed like forever, the night rolled around as I obsessed on what to wear. I only remember now I just wanted to fit in with the suburban chic fashion my daughter and her friends were wearing. I also remember being very quiet and speaking only when I was spoken to. Again, because I was so scared. 

The whole evening really served to kick me out of my gender closet. I had it coming because I opened up to my daughter about my reality and she followed through in a big way. I survived by putting on my big girl panties and doing the best I could to enjoy the drag show. Looking back, after I was able to breathe, I think I could even be a little proud of myself for my accomplishment. In my mind at least, I felt I had made another giant step from being a cross dresser, all the way to achieving my dream of living as a transgender woman. In other words, I reached down and just pulled the band aid off as quickly as I could to preclude any pain.

Since my daughter owned a big van, she drove that night and for some reason I have never asked her if she had any negative feedback from any of her friends. If I remember, someday I will have to ask because I was just trying to act as if it was the most normal thing to do. When in fact, the whole evening was my first girls night out.

Confidnece

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Collection
Ohio River in Background

Perhaps the most important and the most fragile accessory we can add as a transgender woman or trans man is the confidence to be ourselves. Positivity gives us the power to move forward on our gender paths. 

In my case, confidence was hard earned and still remained very difficult to hold on to. The problem was it seemed as if every step I took forward as a novice cross dresser (or transvestite if you prefer), I would fall back two steps by doing something wrong. If I had the appearance of the presentation down perfect, then I would trip and fall in my heels which I was still attempting to learn how to walk in. To make a long story short, confidence was fleeting because this was the portion of my cross dressing life when I was still trying to dress too sexy and it turned out to be just trashy. I was learning the hard way to dress for other women, which allowed me to blend in and not cause unwanted attention.

When I arrived at the point when I began to effectively blend in, I became more grounded with my feminine presentation. When I did, I was able to gain more confidence and then attempt to communicate in the world as a transgender woman.  Sadly, my new found freedom was so fragile, I could lose it without much warning. I was always ready for pushback from the public. With someone laughing at me or worse yet inquiring which gender I really was. If the truth be known, I still feel the same way today. The difference is today, I am better situated mentally to take care of any attacks by a transphobe or a TERF. I know who I am and it is none of their business. 

In my overall presentation I think hormone replacement therapy has helped me greatly. The changes in my gender hormones over the years have helped me to change my way from the old unwanted male body I so disliked. My skin softened to the point my facial features became more feminine along with the rest of my body including the hair I have been able to grow. The whole process has enabled me to move with more confidence in the world. 

Speaking of more confidence, I recently saw a news story which said the Department of Defense or Pentagon was now going to make it easier for LGBT Veterans to have their less than desirable discharges reversed. Just having an Honorable Discharge is huge when it comes to being able to claim many veteran benefits and increases their confidence. Many of the discharges came during the ill-fated "Don't ask, Don't tell" military program. Hopefully many if not all of those who are trying to upgrade their discharges will be aided by this new program. I know my Veteran's Administration hospital has had an initiative to help LGBT vets upgrade their discharges for awhile now. 

My final VA ten week group session is coming up, so I should be able to find out more then. In the meantime, it is important to note confidence is earned not given. The more you live as your authentic gender self, hopefully the easier it becomes. Human's are like sharks and can smell blood in the water if anything is wrong. Just make sure you are not bleeding in the water and life will become easier.

It Takes a Village

Virginia Prince
in her later years.

Does it really take a village to allow a transgender woman or trans man to fully let the world in so they can express themselves? 

For me it did but it took years and years for me to advance to the point in my life when I could live the trans life I always just had dreamed of.  On this blog, I write long and often concerning how isolated I felt during the pre-internet and social media years. Putting it bluntly, there was no village at all to help me along.  Those of you in my age bracket know what I am talking about. It wasn't until the Virginia Prince and "Transvestia" publication years did I feel there were any others in the world with gender issues similar to me. Maybe I had a village after all.

As I explored this new and exciting village, ironically I found I still didn't fit in with the village. Primarily because there were very few who still felt the same as I did. At that time I felt more serious than a casual cross dresser (or transvestite) but not as serious as one of the few transsexuals who attended who were on the path to having their own gender realignment surgeries. Plus, I found out (as I had suspected) there were other than all heterosexual members in the group as too much action was happening behind hotel room doors. The whole process showed me the village I had discovered was quite diverse which continues to this day.

The life I led directed me to be a loner on the gender path I was following. Sadly, my best friend became my mirror or other mirrors I encountered along the way which I wrote about yesterday. It wasn't to become much later in my life that I was able to discover others who I could form a village with and live as my authentic transgender self. It wasn't until I advanced out of the appearance crazy mode I was in as my feminine person and move into a more realistic idea of how a cis-woman has to go through life. It was a very difficult process to change gender gears and leave my old male life behind. 

As I finally let my inner feminine self out of her closet, she essentially did the rest. She chose the friends I am still indebted to for showing me the way to a better life when I needed it most. Gone were my lonely days of staring longingly into the mirror. I wasn't quite confident enough to not be petrified of certain situations but I was getting there thanks to the fact I was learning so much from the small village around me. 

Looking back, it most certainly did take me a village to build a new person essentially from scratch. What I thought I knew I didn't and what I learned was so exciting, I couldn't wait to see what was around the next corner. Anyway I cut it, it took a village to help me reach my lofty goals as a transgender woman and I have so many others to thank for helping along in the process.