Gender Control Freak

Image from Radu  Florin
on UnSplash

 During my old male life, I admittedly let many things slide.

Primarily, I was not much interested in or put much time into how I looked. The overall sameness in what the male wardrobe had to offer me, just didn't seem to matter. I yearned for the brighter colors and the ever changing fashions the girls or women were able to wear. The process was especially painful during the times when the women who worked with me at one restaurant position I had were able to dress up in their semi formal dresses and appear so beautiful, when I was stuck wearing a restrictive tie with a suit. On those party evenings I was able to dull a portion of my gender pain with alcohol. 

Later on when I was more able to experiment with feminine fashions, I learned just how much work I never considered went into how a woman looked. Of course there were the basic passing privilege all cis and transgender women have to deal with. We all have to deal with and make the best of  what mother nature (or our parents) gave us. Two cis women in particular come to mind when I look back on examples of perfection. For the evening their makeup to jewelry all the way to dress and shoes were on point. The example they set was one I wanted to follow as a trans woman.

The whole process I needed to follow to get there turned out to be far from easy. Not only did I have to attempt to look as good as the women I admired, I needed to take the extra step to look better. I had farther to come and more to prove to accomplish my gender goals. Plus, I desperately wanted to be the one who was being admired for being well put together fashion wise. The entire idea was made even more difficult because I was trying to succeed on a very limited budget with a wife who was not entirely accepting. Through it all, I managed from excessive thrift shopping and saving what money I could to put together what I thought was a passable fashion statement. 

I was helped also by my love of boho fashion trends which took me back to my old hippie days. If I was successful with my thrift shopping, I could find the ideal vintage jeans and/or jeans skirts to really jump start my outfit. 

The difference between what I was doing as a advanced cross dresser (or transvestite)  and my male self was again in the fashion details I needed to follow. In fact, I made it to the point where I could afford to send my work shirts to the dry cleaner to make sure they looked good, while at the same time was concentrating on my feminine appearance. I think one helped the other as I look back on it now. 

To this day, I never made it to the point of being a control freak on anything. Probably the closest I come is making sure I have some sort of a transgender related daily blog post. Most of my ideas come from watching the world around me and relating it to my gender. Often it is a difficult process and I value you all coming along for the ride. I can't thank you enough. 

Mourning your Past

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Is there ever a time when you miss your old gender self? 

Do you miss your old male privileges which seemingly gave you more rights?  Remember the old days when you survived with the myth of more intelligence and less mansplaining in any conversation with a man. While I remember the shock of my first times of interaction with a group of men who essentially were ignoring me, on the other hand I thought somehow I had arrived in the place I wanted to be. I was experiencing first hand the loss of the privilege's I had fought so hard to accumulate in a male world I didn't like. 

No matter how much you enjoy your new life as a transgender woman or trans man, possibly there could be times when you miss the good times? On my end, it is very rare when I miss the "good old days" which weren't so good. 

On a recent interview with a Veterans Life Insurance representative I experienced a brief glimpse into my past when I needed to explain my gender situation with the sales person. For the sake of insurance, since I have not undergone any gender realignment surgeries, I had to tell the person I was still biological a male,  even though I lived as a woman. Through the confusion, the only person who really suffered was my daughter who was rudely interrupted by an insurance call which referred to me as a "he". Since she has a transgender child and a is a fierce ally of the trans community, she was not happy. So I ended up calling the representative and asking what she was doing calling her at all. 

Other moments of surprise and a bit of shock occurred during the times when I had my personal safety challenged. The first time happened during a party I was attending in Columbus, Ohio with my second wife who was strongly opposed to the mini skirt I was wearing. Her fears for me materialized when during the party a huge cross dresser admirer cornered me in a narrow hallway. For the first time in my life, I was made to feel powerless about my body until I was rescued by my wife and he freed me. 

The second major time happened one night when I was leaving a late night urban gay venue on a lonely, dark street in Dayton, Ohio. As I clicked down the sidewalk in my high heels, I was suddenly approached by two men. Again I felt totally powerless and on the edge of panic. That night I was lucky when I was able to use my last five dollar bill and they went away to my relief. From then on, I learned my lesson and always tried to park in close well lit parking lots. The old days of just having more personal security were over but I knew they had to go.

Overall I looked at the whole privilege changing time as a challenge and one I needed to conquer. Through it all, I had no time or will power to mourn any of my past. The only time I have twinges is during football season when I remember a few of the intense past experiences I went through when my second wife (a big fan too) attended all the biggest The Ohio State Buckeyes football games. Admittedly most  were memorable times I would not trade like the birth of my daughter which I was present for. 

Being part of the two binary genders has made me an overall better person. Mourning was just a part of my life as is it is a part of any other life. I view the process as a plus as I tried hard to leave my old male past behind and begin a new life as a transgender woman.    

Gender Misfits

Image from Bruno Guerrero 
on UnSplash

I know I am speaking to the choir here when I point out how alone we all felt concerning our gender issues early in life.

Those of us of a certain age vividly remember the days before the internet brought the world closer and social media made it easier to contact like minded transgender individuals. Or I should say cross dressers and/or transvestites were included also. Suddenly, a whole new world was available to us.

In the meantime, there was so much we needed to figure out on our own. Without any sort of a peer group to help us with our clothes and makeup, often the process of adjusting to the world took longer. So, the feeling of being a misfit became very ingrained. I know for the longest time, I deeply felt all of my gender problems were of my own doing. How else could I explain the differences I felt with everyone else? Long story short, I couldn't and often my feelings left me deeply depressed.  How could I ever move through my life.

Somehow I made it through this very unsure time of my life. The problem was I was usually unable to seek out any long term friendships. Outside of a very few exceptions, I had very few friends in the new, larger high school I transferred to from the small rural school I previously went to. Plus, as far as girl friends were concerned, it took me until the end of my junior year to have my first date with a girl at all and that one was basically set up by people I barely knew. I was being set up for a friend of theirs's for the prom that year. Once again, I felt as if I was a misfit and should be the one wearing the elegant gown and be the one receiving the flowers. Even though I was scared to death, I made it through the evening and even ended up having a fairly good time.

Even with the first big date with a girl out of the way, I still felt as if I was still a misfit. I stayed in my very small group of friends who were mainly into sports and cars which enabled me to keep the bullies away. At least if I was a misfit, I was a protected one. 

Amazingly, when I went away to college, my desire to be a girl hit an all time low...for awhile. Of course, just when I was feeling like I was able to shake my misfit status, the old feelings came back. Before I knew it, once again I was cross dressing as much as I could and I was still feeling as my old misfit self. 

It wasn't until much later in life when I was able to fully accept myself as a transgender woman. When I did, the whole time I thought I was a misfit was wrong. I also discovered transvestite mixers and support groups where I met others with similar gender issues. The whole process enabled me to discover where I belonged on the gender spectrum. Meeting others was all it took to take away all doubts of me being the one who was a misfit. 

I just wish it didn't take me so long to come to the realization society was made up of misfits and not me.