Into the Fire

Actual Image from Bar-Mitzvah 
Liz on left, daughter on right.

 Shortly after I let the world into my gender closet, I had to hitch up my new big girl panties and get in the game. Under big time fire. 

What happened was, just after I came out to my daughter just happened to closely coincide with my oldest grandson's Jewish Bar-Mitzvah. Little did I know at the time how closely I would be involved.

What happened was, since I was one of the grandparents, I actually had a small part to read at the formal ceremony at their temple.

Fortunately, I had plenty of experience in public speaking from my old radio days so I wasn't afraid of getting back up in front of a crowd of people. Plus, I thought, how many people would show up anyhow and this would be my first chance to interact with many strangers for the first time as a transgender woman. No pressure, right????

When the time quickly rolled around, I was surprised how many people showed up for the ceremony. The rows of pews quickly were filling up along with my anxiety. What would all the strangers think of me and especially, what would my grandson. Finally, it was my turn to speak my part of the ceremony and there was no turning back. Naturally I was petrified and tried to hold back my panic. To make a long story short, the presentation I gave went by in a split second and nobody in the audience seemed to pay any attention to me anyhow as far as my gender presentation went.

After I was tossed into the fire, I was warmly greeted by the Rabbi who welcomed me into the ceremony plus, later I had the opportunity to meet her again at the party which was held afterwards. Of course the party was my chance to wind down and relax following my brief but intense place in the spotlight. 

On the way home, when I could finally breathe again, I marveled on how completely I was accepted by my daughter's new religion. I'm far from an expert on the difference in Jewish faith's but I think her temple is part of the Reformed Jewish religion. Since that time, I have been easily accepted by all of her in-laws, so that must be the case.

When I thought of the entire occasion later, I came to the conclusion of when you are going to jump into the fire, do it all the way. 

And finally, the best part was my grandson seemed to be really proud of me for participating as my authentic self.  Lesson learned from being a good role model.

I don't write it nearly enough, but thanks to all of you who stop by to read my writings. Your input makes it all worthwhile!

Camera Ready?

Local Alzheimer's upcoming Schedule

 

Today is one of the rare days I have dual appointments with my Veterans Administration providers. 

To attend all my virtual VA appointments, I was sent a tablet which is only for VA use because my old lap top I use for blogging somehow did not work well enough for the system I was working with. Ironically, it seems to work well enough for other online or virtual appointments I have had with the Alzheimer's diversity committee I serve on, so I don't know what the problem is. Plus I have a virtual Zoom class coming up in a week or so with the Cincinnati Council on Aging, so hopefully my old lap top will hang in there.

Regardless, I always have to make myself look presentable as possible. At the least a fresh shave, eye makeup, and lipstick is a must along with brushing back my long hair. Sometimes, I tie my hair  all the way back. The issue I have with the tablet is it provides only a thumb size image to work with. Then again, the days my gender dysphoria is kicking in,  I don't really want to be seen anyhow. The tablet provides me with the next best thing. 

I need to point out also, the VA keeps very strict standards on how someone should look during the virtual visit. In fact, during one of the LGBT group sessions, one participant who decided to attend in a bikini received a call from the moderator and was told to change. Plus, I know for those of us who are under mental health care also, how you look goes into our file. Seems a bit radical to me but I of course don't set the rules. My guess is, if your provider sees your appearance dramatically slip, it is a warning sign.

Also coming up fairly soon will be my chance to make myself available for my yearly blood labs for my nurse practitioners who keep track of my overall health. I have an in person, local visit scheduled with one of them in October. Before then, I have another Alzheimer's diversity committee scheduled for the latter part of September. It is in person All of which have kept me on point when it comes to thinking ahead on my appearance. Already I have been thinking about what I am going to wear.

All in all, it doesn't seem possible time this year is flying by as fast as it is. All too soon it will be time for my birthday to have come and gone and then be time for my wife Liz's operations in late October. Time to quote my Mom again...Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.  

Friends

Friends! Nikki in middle and 
Kim on right...

 Despite of all of my early successes (along with failures), when I was experimenting so alone with being a cross dresser, the fact remains the friends I made later in life proved to be the most valuable experience of my life. 

Even though I had arrived on many public stages on my gender journey, it seemed there was always another major step to take. After all, I had gone through the difficult steps of sneaking out the door of my gender closet and into the world but the process just taught me I still had so far to go. I somehow needed to find away to develop as a full fledged transgender woman. To do it, I needed to take the plunge and seek out public acceptance. 

I began similar to so many back in those days. I explored several on-line dating sites which were still relatively new. Predictably, I was a dismal failure on the sites. To try to do better, I would change how I approached the dating world. On a few places I would advertise as a woman seeking woman (then tell them in my profile I was transgender) while on others I would post a woman seeking men profile. Over all I failed miserably with just a few responses who actually showed up at venues of my choice to meet. Most of them just stood me up and didn't show at all. One less than memorable night, I even had a guy show up and want to wear my panties. 

Amazingly, I did strike success when over twelve years ago now my wife Liz answered my woman seeking woman ad on a dating site. Following writing back and forth on line nightly I finally gathered up the courage to talk to her in person. The problem was, I was afraid of how my voice would sound over the phone. Through it all and eleven years later we were married. I guess you can say I believe in long courtships before I got into my third marriage. Mainly, it was my daughter's doing because one day she suggested why don't you two just get married and we did. For you new regulars to the blog, I should mention Liz is a cis-woman (born female) and identifies as a lesbian. Our first date was a drag show and the rest is history,

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention several other cis-women who accepted me into their world and taught me so much. Through my entire life, I thought a woman's acceptance of me would basically just include helping me with my appearance. The idea was blown away when my first fiancé helped me to cross dress one day. I was not impressed with her efforts which came back to haunt me later when she tried to "out" me to the world. Lesson learned and I took responsibility for my own feminine appearance. What I didn't learn until much later were all the other factors which went into being a successful transgender woman. Ironically, my second wife told me I had no idea of the feelings I would have to develop to learn what she was talking about.

Phase two of my attempt to pursue my own coming out just occurred when I began to visit my favorite sports bars as my new authentic self. In a relatively short period of time, I was able to meet two other women whom I was able to bond with and we had a great time. It was with them I learned more of the essence my second wife was trying to tell me about. I learned I didn't really need a man to be validated as a transgender woman and went on to build my new life from there. I owe them all so much and will forever be indebted to them.

Through my life, I have always had a difficult time finding who I considered real friends. Friends are a learning process to me and I did learn so much.