Planning Ahead

Image from Mohamed Nohassi
on UnSplash 

At some point in my transgender MtF transition I was forced to plan ahead.

The point I am referring to is when I came to the point I knew I was going to attempt to go "all the way". When I did, I needed to seriously consider first of all how I was going to be able to support myself. I worked at a job which was very male dominated and relied on serving the public, so I knew my company would resist my gender changes. Plus I couldn't even imagine how a kitchen crew would react to a transgender manager. 

I ended up taking the easy way out and was able to retire early on my Social Security benefits and augment them by selling the houseful of antiques and collectibles my wife and I had obtained over the years. Between the two, I managed to support myself as a novice transgender woman. Perhaps what I didn't plan so well for was the experience of actually living as a trans woman. Once I threw away or donated all of my male clothes, acquiring an everyday women's wardrobe proved challenging. I learned very quickly I couldn't be the "pretty pretty princess" I was for most of my transvestite or cross dressing years on a daily basis. I needed to fall in line with the women around me and dress for comfort when they went about their normal life's. Blending became my word of the day when I faced the reality of dressing feminine on a daily basis.

Once I conquered dressing the part, I then needed to adjust to going to places I may  have felt uncomfortable in as a transgender woman. Examples included places such as auto parts stores all the way to junk yards when Liz and I searched for a hard to find part for our old car. Through it all, I tried to keep my head up and deal with situations (which for the most part) never came up. What I didn't realize was  dealing with other women on a daily basis would prove to be the most challenging experience for me. All of a sudden, I was forced into deeper communication other than I love your ear-rings. Specifically from women who wanted to pry into who they were communicating with. Some were gentle and calculating while others were more blunt and to the point. Similar to how a man would attack. The most important point was I learned quickly how to  protect myself when I began to be out on a daily basis as a transgender woman.

I learned all the planning in the world all of a sudden didn't do me any good. I was making good on a lifetime gender dream and there was no turning back. I just can't say enough how big the changes were when I finally had the courage to go full time. I will never forget the experience and how fulfilling it was for me. 

Civil War

Image from Valentin Salja
on UnSplash

When I see a gender bigot of any sort  who says we transgender women or men had a choice of our gender lifestyles. I just shake my head in disbelief. Having any sort of a choice in my gender battles has always been the furthest  thing in my mind.

In my case, the best way I can describe the torment of the transgender dysphoria I went through was similar to fighting an individual civil war. My feminine side fought a vicious war to free herself from the male self who was fighting equally as hard to remain in control. Even though deep down he knew the existence was built on a false premise. From a very early age, I knew I deeply admired the girls and dreamed of how it would be to have the chance to be the cheerleader instead of the defensive end on the football team. A prime example among others including not have to wear the same old boring clothes. I so envied the girls with their pretty dresses and shoes.

None of my envy did me any good and my civil war grew more intense the more I did to relieve the problem. Even though I was able to increase my meager wardrobe of feminine clothes, the more I wanted. Especially when I was able to buy my own makeup and began to experiment ever more seriously when I viewed my new image in the mirror. Even though most of my attempts were predictably clownish, I slowly became more skilled and every now and then even was able to catch a glimpse of my true inner female in the mirror. Sadly, when I did, I usually wanted more which did nothing to stop my civil war.    

Through it all, my male self behaved predictably. He held on, refusing to give up any of his battlefield. He made the process much more difficult by internalizing his pain. Looking back, he fought back the only way he knew, to be brave and fight on. He thought I would lose most of my beloved hobbies such as sports , as well as friends, if my female took over after winning the civil war I was going through. Even though most all of that turned out to be false, the fear was real.

All my gender battles created extreme pressure within me. Finally the strain culminated with me attempting a self harm or suicide attempt. Fortunately I wasn't very good and failed. From the attempt I began to think back at all the other self destructive attempts I tried in my life. Not all as dramatic but all equally as sad. If I had not been busy fighting my own destructive civil war, how much more could I have accomplished in my life. 

No matter how you cut it, civil wars are never kind or pleasant and transgender civil wars are no different.  

What If?

Picnic picture from the 
Jessie Hart Collection. Liz on right.

Often I think about what my life would had been like if my wife had been transgender and I was the one trying to deal with it.

What if she wanted to become a he and started to date other women? Of course the easiest answer would be I would be the accepting one but would I have been if I had never been trans. Then I think of the amazing spouses which have come to acceptance of their former husbands new gender. The wives who come to understand the internal self is the important part of the total person are so special and in so many instances so rare.

My second wife, as well as my current spouse are prime examples. My first wife was a very much go with the flow person and I often thought if I told her I would be gone for a few months to complete gender reassignment surgery, she would have not missed me. Second wife was very much against me being a transgender woman at all and Liz, my current wife encouraged me to follow my gender dreams. I guess you could say I covered almost all the aspects of being married when all my spouses knew I was at the least a cross dresser or transvestite from the very beginning of our relationships. The only feeling I hid was the fact I was so much more than just a relatively harmless cross dresser just pursuing a hobby. My excuse is the whole time I was hiding the truth from myself as I tried my best to live a lie as a male person.

Looking back at my second wife a little deeper, I think she was suffered from a little paranoia of her own sexuality. We were members of a very active civic organization which did an incredible amount of good in the community. Within the group were several women whom I considered to be lesbians as well as a couple gay guys. All were in the closet and nothing was ever said, I think. What I wonder is if my wife ever was attracted to those other women and was in fact some sort of an embedded lesbian. It is all speculation on my part because she passed away in 2007.  Sometimes I think she protested my gender dysphoria too much.

 The exact opposite happened with Liz, my current wife. When we met, I was still trying to live a life which straddled both of the two main gender binaries. Within a very short period of time, she told me I should shed what was left of my male self and live entirely as my feminine self. As it turned out, she was the final push I needed to come out of my closet and live as my authentic self.

For all of you who are fortunate and have an accepting spouse, you have an understanding of what I am attempting to say. Gender is such a basic need and to change it is such a big deal. Often the road to acceptance for wives takes years. If you have the power to do it, try to understand all the dynamics which are going on. Plus, if you can do it, try to put the shoe on the other foot and what if your spouse was considering changing their lifestyle in such a dramatic way. 

What if you could change or not.