Gender Hack

 

Photo by Nahel Abdul Hadi on Unsplash

Since I have spent the majority of my morning fixing my bank account following a hackers damage, I thought perhaps a post would be relevant. The more I worked on stopping the damage it seemed the more I discovered I had to do.

Not unlike when I made the slow decision I was gender dysphoric. One of the big problems was the word I think had not even been invented or if it was I didn't have access to it during the pre-internet era. I can only remember vividly something was terribly wrong and why was I one of the few boys in the world who wanted to be a girl. I barely knew what a transvestite or cross dresser was. 

One of the problems I had was I  mistakenly thought girls had it so much easier than boys. They were the gender who were allowed to wear the pretty clothes and seemingly didn't have the pressure to compete for things like grades and sports. The entire idea was cruel and unusual punishment as I had to sneak behind my families back to wear my small collection of female clothes. Why couldn't I just be like all the other boys in the neighborhood and forget about the insanity of wanting to be a girl. 

It wasn't to be and my gender was hacked. I was hopelessly locked in to desiring to be the other gender. Why couldn't I be the young girl with all the dark hair I saw on vacation one year or be the girl I always sat across from in study hall or home room. 

Perhaps the worst part of the hack was how difficult it was to negotiate getting rid of it. Sadly, it wasn't until much later in life when I finally learned I couldn't get rid of it. Somehow, someway the hack was installed at birth and I didn't have a choice. In fact, the hack turned out to be just the opposite of what I always grew up thinking it was. All the time I was looking in the mirror dreaming to be feminine, I spent more time in public struggling to be masculine. 

I was fortunate in the fact I found a whole new set of friends who didn't believe I was hacked at all and was just living my gender truth as a transgender woman. I have mentioned several of them in recent posts. Essentially they saw through the gender maze I was attempting to negotiate and helped to bring me out the other side. 

I found out the hard way that women do not have it easier than men and lead very complex and layered lives. So much more than being able to have pretty clothes and spend hours on your makeup. Even though on occasion it is fun to do. 

One thing being transgender teaches you is to roll with the punches. So I'm sure I will continue to exist until the next pain in the rear comes along. After all what can they do? Laugh at me or make fun of me behind my back? Been there, done it. 

Hopefully I won't have to be hacked again to realize how good I really have it.

A Plan?

 

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

As you followed the long and winding path towards living as your authentic self, did you have a plan? Looking back, I think my plan was relying on luck more than anything else. 

Having said that, I did at one point a plan to try to visit different places when I was cross dressed as a woman. For example, when malls and clothing stores became too easy, I began to choose other places such as stopping to eat all the way to seeing how I presented at the big male dominated home improvement stores. 

What I didn't plan on happening was how fast the public remembered me if I saw them more than a couple times. I didn't plan on becoming that close to anyone that I happened to start to know. All of those life events destroyed any possible idea of a detailed orderly plan during my transition.

Along the way, any idea of having a plan went out the window. Changes came fast and furious. So fast I had a difficult time keeping up. Times became so rough, I think the hardest years of my life came when I was trying to live part time in both of the binary genders, male and female. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Life became so complicated, I had to make a conscious decision on which gender I would be that day. How I walked, how I talked and the rest. An example of the difficult time I was having was the evening I went to see the amazing Christmas lights at nearby Clifton Mills, an event I could leave the car in my boots, leggings and sweater and mingle with the public. Even stopping to order a hot chocolate. A first at the time, actually stepping up and dealing with the public one on one. The best part was no one gave me a second glance.

What made it worse, I was still married to a disproving wife who was due home at anytime and the next morning I had to be back at work crossdressing as a man. The stress became nearly unbearable and I had no plan to deal with it. 

Finally the universe came together and I was able to fully transition to my authentic feminine self. Then I had to make the most dramatic plans at all, to live my life full time as a transgender woman and begin hormone replacement therapy. Following those decisions, I had to plan how to legally change my name and gender on all the documents I could. Including the Veterans Administration which handles my health care.

Now of course, we are planning a very low key but legal wedding in October. We are going downtown to the courthouse next week to get the paperwork filed. We have the shelter house reserved in a nearby park as well as the officiant for the ceremony. So plans are coming together. 

A Vacuum?

 

Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash

Nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter how hard you try, there are always outside influences which effect the outcome of what we want to happen. 

This is especially true for transgender women and trans men. During our gender transitions we rely on others on occasion to show us the way. Recently, I have mentioned cis women such as Liz, Kim, my daughter and Min who provided guidance or even a shove to get me moving in the right direction. Liz in particular told me she didn't see any male in me at all, my daughter took me to her hair salon and Kim took me to a professional football game. All were totally instrumental in me becoming a full time out transgender woman.

Ironically, early in my transition I didn't believe in needing a cis woman to assist in furthering my own gender trip across the frontier. I went back to my much anticipated visit with my fiancé when she would completely dress me head to toe as a woman. Even though it was a thrilling day, deep down I wasn't impressed that much with the results. As far as the makeup went, by that time I had plenty of time to practice on my own over the years. Her improvement just wasn't that noticeable. As far as the clothes went, I picked out the outfit myself. I should have known she wouldn't do that good because she is the one who wanted me to say I was gay to dodge the draft. When I wouldn't she dumped me which turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me in my life. Nothing happens in a vacuum for sure.

Vacuums however are funny creatures. Without the women I mentioned above, there would have been no way I would have developed the confidence to go public and learn how to communicate with other women. I consider communication the most important hurdle I had to cross when I MtF gender transitioned. I say that because appearance wise I had reached a point where I didn't have much of a problem with the public but building a new life as my feminine self was something totally different. I needed to build a new person from the ground up plus I was in a vacuum on how to do it. 

Slowly but surely and again with the help of friends, I managed to find a place in the girls sandbox and after a few mishaps, survive. I made the mistake of trusting smiling faces who were holding knives behind their backs. I think when I surrounded myself with cis women friends, negative people couldn't get to me. Expanding on the vacuum theme a bit, essentially I expanded my vacuum to survive and thrive as a new person.  

I may be age biased but I believe older transgender women have a more difficult time coming out of their vacuums. Many lose family and friends and find it difficult to restart their lives. Many are content to let their lives play out as I was until Liz came along and changed everything. She found me in an on line dating group. Proving once again how wrong a vacuum can be.

Before a Girls Night Out

 

Min on right during Halloween party

As I reread yesterdays' post about my daughter's birthday, I remembered one person who helped me on my journey as a novice transgender woman so much who I rarely if ever mention. 

Her name is "Min" and she accepted me from the beginning as a friend. In fact, she used to invite me over to her house for coffee once a week if I could make it. 

She included me so completely that there was a group of approximately five other woman (including Liz) I became close with.

One of the events we went to was a small Halloween party in suburban Cincinnati which I still have a picture of. As you can see, I brought out the big hair for the evening. One of the rare chances I had to wear it.

It was quite the experience. Not from a Halloween party so much as other happenings. By this time I was an experienced "pro" at Halloween so I was just trying to present as a cis woman dressed for success. I know you would be thinking business chic if I wanted success, I would have to try to out sparkle a couple other women in the group. I have another picture to share of me and another woman who went who is nearly my size I will share before Halloween.

Perhaps the special moment of kindness Min shared with me occurred when I had to go to the ladies room. The venue where the party was being held wasn't the most upscale one in the world so I was afraid of going by myself. Plus I was still fairly new at being out of my gender closet at the time. My solution was to gather my courage and ask Min to go with me. Thankfully without saying a word she helped me find the correct bathroom and helped me . After all that beer, I was desperate!

Min was also instrumental in many other occasions when I was included for the first time in my life in the company of women only. The whole process meant so much to me and aided my progress as a transgender woman. More on that later.  

Girl's Night Out

My daughter on the right with Liz and I

It's my daughter's birthday today and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" and look back. 

Before I came out as transgender to her, I had hoped she was raised right and would have no problem accepting her new "parent." 

I was correct in all my assumptions and I "passed" my first test on coming out to the family and the public. 

Once she found out, she proceeded to help me out of my male self and make it into the world as a novice transgender woman. 

One of the ventures she quickly planned for me was a trip with her and approximately six other of her woman friends to a local huge drag show. The Rubi Girls in Dayton, Ohio over the years is a drag troupe which has raised over a million dollars for various LGBTQ causes. They put on a tremendous show. But, I had to get there first. Before hand, my daughter warned me about a couple of the others going who may not be so approving of me. So I pretty much tried to stay low key and blend in. 

For the most part I think I managed to hide my fears and only speak when spoken to. It was quite the experience. The show was entertaining and fun. Too this day, I don't know if my daughter received any negative feedback for my presence. Some day I will have to ask her, if she still remembers. 

Another day out with my daughter which I have mentioned many times was the occasion when she took me to my first visit to a woman's upscale hair salon. My hair was rapidly growing and I guess she thought it needed personal professional attention. The first first turned out to be one of those terrifying yet exciting times of my life. As it turned out my stylist was clear in the back of the room so I had to walk past a seemingly endless row of women in various stages of hair repair. Even though I was so scared, I wondered how I had went this long in my life without experiencing such an estrogen dominate experience, I couldn't wait to do it again which I did until the finances got the best of me and I moved away. 

As you can tell, my daughter did buy in one hundred per cent to me living as my authentic self plus she helped to insure I was accepted by her in laws also as well as her three kids. She means the world to me and laid the groundwork for many other "girls nights out" to come. I learned a lot.

Mentors

Myself on left with Nikki and Kim

As I was looking back through a few of my numerous older posts, I found this one which was originally was posted near my birthday in October of last year. The topic was transgender mentors:

" Referring back to a Cyrsti's Condo post concerning several cis women friends I had when I first was learning to play in the women's sandbox, the term "mentors" came up. 

As I thought about it, I became aware mentors could be a very vague term. For example, many could consider a mentor who aides you with your appearance, make up and clothes. 

As you can tell by the photo , my friends did not emphasize much make up at all. I was the only one who did and I did it all myself.

Of course by that time, I had years of practice. 

What my cis friends did teach me was how to value my self as a transgender woman.  Since they both were lesbians, I learned  I did not need a man to validate me as a woman. 

This picture pre dates my relationship with my current partner Liz, so by the time I met her I had a clearer idea of who I was and how I fit in in a feminine world. 

My advice is to be your own mentor. Practice makes perfect as far as your appearance goes. Plus, once you make your way past the appearance phase, the real work begins. Learning to rebuild your personality away from when you tried and failed to live as a guy is a major task. One example is communicating  woman  to woman and dressing to blend. I learned the hard way not totally accept the compliment of looking great. Great for what? A man cross dressed as a woman? 

Granted, finding a mentor of any form is rough. I was just fortunate when I threw caution to the wind and put myself out in the world.  When you find a mentor of any sort, put your old male ego aside and learn all you can."

I met Kim through her daughter who was a bartender at one of the big sports bars I was going to. It was her suggestion her Mom and I got together for a drink. Nikki was much different in that one night in the same sports bar, she came in for a pick up order and ended up sending me a message down the bar. The whole process just proved to me how successful I had a chance ot being in public if I made the effort to put myself out in the feminine public, no matter how scary it was. I do know perhaps especially in todays world caution is to be used when escaping your gender closet. This is one time your presentation needs to be on point to prevent problems. 

Once I had my mentors and became a part of a small group, life as a transgender woman became so much easier and most of all...fun.  

New Seasons

 Even though it is still fairly hot and humid here in Ohio, the calendar has turned over into September. Unless climate change has completely destroyed what to expect, we should have another month of summer like weather to go.

Jessie with Brutus Buckeye

One thing that climate change can't disrupt is the beginning of football season. Football is one of my favorite fall happenings for many reasons.

As a cross dressing man, football was the only sport I was remotely good at. Thus, I have a little inside knowledge of the sport and remember vividly when I was hit so hard by a pulling offensive lineman, I thought right there I was correct about wanting to be a cheerleader instead. Even though I couldn't play at a high level I still maintained a love for the sport. Plus, as I have written before, liking sports hid my greater desire to lead a feminine existence 

As I transitioned into my authentic self as a full time transgender woman, my love of sports became a problem. After all the stereotypical woman didn't spend a lot of time or energy involving herself in the world of sports. I remember stressing on what I was going to do. Give up my love of sports for my love of being a transgender woman. 

With a little help I made the right decision. I was able to look at my wife as an example who was nearly as big a fan as I was and we went to many sporting events together. In fact, I can only think of a few times I went to an Ohio State game without her. Drawing on her as well as a few new female friends I had made as my new self, I was able to continue that part of my life I loved so much without any interruptions I used to plan days off around big games and wear my best makeup along with my favorite team (Ohio State/Cincinnati Bengals) and go to one of the big sports bars I was a regular in to watch the game. Ironically I had to play down my knowledge of the game around certain men I met.

Later the process and friendship evolved to a point when I was invited to a real live NFL/Monday Night football game Thanks to Kim even though she knew I was going to lose. Even though I took the loss in stride, I was the real winner. I went to a stadium full of people as a transgender woman! What a thrill as I look back at it. And, terrifying at the time.

I wrote this post today because tonight is the huge The Ohio State Buckeye versus Notre Dame football game in Columbus, Ohio at the Horseshoe Stadium. It should be a classic. Regardless, fall brings along other notable happenings such as the changing of the leaves, leggings, boots and sweaters and of course Halloween, Which I will have my yearly series of posts explaining all the fun and games.

In the meantime "GO BUCKEYES"

No I Don't Hate my Body

Overlooking the Ohio
Jessie Hart

 I recently happened on a post from a transgender woman about hating her body. Reason's of course bordered on the effects of testosterone poisoning. 

Similar to many others, I paid the price of T-poisoning. According to casual on lookers the only feminine attribute I had were my legs. I had the typical thick torso and broad shoulders of any other men. I had to try my best to camouflage my shortcomings. Because I was a cross dressing or transgender woman, I struggled with styles and sizes until I reached a level of getting it right. 

At this point too, I struggled with how I viewed my body. When I was cross dressing as a man often I was ego driven concerning my appearance. Over all I didn.t see what the fuss was all about and except the time I was at work and had to wear a freshly pressed shirt and tie, jeans and T-shirts were the way to go. It was the easy way out. 

The feminine side of my soul which was desperately trying to get out into the world was the opposite end  of the spectrum. The wonderful world of women's makeup and clothes presented a glittering opportunity to explore the world I always wanted to try. However, the fashion and makeup mishaps were numerous. It took me time to leave the fun behind and find the proper look to enable me to blend in and enjoy my time out of the closet. 

Through it all, it would have been easy to hate my male body but I didn't. Primarily because this was the body who helped me to play athletics . Playing sports was the way I kept the bullies away. I wasn't particularly good but the plan worked anyway, Also, perhaps the biggest deal with my body was how healthy it was. In fact the only operation in my life outside of dental surgery was when I had my tonsils taken out when I was a kid.  The older I became, the more I learned how wonderful good health was,

Now of course I have all the aches and pains of a soon to be seventy three year old body but I still have to remember how good my body has been to me. Primarily now since it tolerates my hormone replacement therapy and equally as important the medications I take to control my Bi-polar condition. I am indeed fortunate. 

Not long ago I wrote how some transgender elitists may pull a transer than thou with me because I had not pursued or under gone any gender realignment surgeries. In my mind why should I when I have been able to live a fairly successful life as a full time transgender woman without subjecting my body to extremely invasive operations.   

So no I don't hate my body for happening to be male. It's taken me a long, often interesting journey. 

You Said What?

 

Image from Unsplash

More than a few novice transgender women and trans men think their gender presentation is the major path to being able to survive as their authentic selves in the world. Following my nearly fifty years as a cross dresser and novice transgender woman I was locked in totally on my appearance. In other words, I had made all the stupid mistakes I could as far as my appearance was concerned. I was also becoming fairly proficient in going out as a woman. Somehow I knew something new was going to happen on my transgender path. No matter how hard I fought saving my male self the more I failed and the more frustrated I became. 

What happened was I was suddenly beginning to meet the same people as my feminine self. All of a sudden I was expected to come up with a name, wear the same wig to look similar and use it all to try to communicate with new people. By this time you may be asking how did I handle the voice situation. Early, what I did was try to mimic the women I was talking to and attempted to not talk to men at all. Yes, that worked for awhile. As I progressed in my gender transition, the more I learned I had so much farther to go.

It was around this period of my life I learned the true secret of of blending in with and being able to play in the girl's sandbox had to to with how well I communicated with other women.  Dressing similar to them was not a problem, understanding what they were saying was a whole other issue. As a guy, I worked primarily with women and prided myself on understanding what they were saying. When I transitioned to being a full time transgender woman, all of it changed. 

First of all I learned the feminine equivalent of silent communication. I learned to watch (no really watch) other women's eyes when they were talking to me. On several occasions other women helped me to stay clear of interactions with other toxic men, On other occasions I learned to take what I heard from other women very lightly because often they were carrying a knife behind their back. I was clawed several times before I learned. A prime example would come when a woman, normally at Halloween, would say I "made" a good looking woman. What they didn't say was for a man, 

Gone were the good old days of straight forward communications. As I always thought women operate on a much more layered existence then men. I had to learn a whole new communication system. Of course all the effort was worth it as I assumed my feminine place in the world. Ironically the whole experience taught me women are the stronger gender. Even though I would never go back to being a guy, my time served as a woman would make it so much easier. 

What is Normal?

 

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

I love this question because the easy answer is nothing is normal. The more that transphobes and other haters like to say about it, the more they prove themselves wrong. Just because they think they are in the majority of hetero-straight humans, doesn't make it normal. 

On the other hand, during my life, I disliked being called "normal". If I was normal as compared to the rest of society I would have never succeeded in being accepted into the American Forces Radio and Television service when I was in the Army. Other lesser examples were how my daughter came along against the odds as well as various college changes kept me out of the military draft as long as I did. 

For the longest time in my life, I did my best to be a normal guy. In middle school and high school I did play sports, worked on cars and begrudgingly dated girls. In other words, I did what was expected by my family and society. Of course the entire process brought extreme confusion and often pain. My parents always were fond of telling me not to be into what other people said. But of course, all of that  ended when I wanted to be a girl. Then, normal, took a whole other turn in my life.

For the longest time I considered myself less than normal when I was dealing with the everyday public. I used it as an excuse to explain my cross dressing "habit" to myself. Somehow since I felt I had a different "hobby" I was less than normal. 

Once I started to increasingly explore the feminine world as a transgender woman, all of my thought patterns started to change. Slowly but surely I began to realize I truly wasn't normal. I had been doing my best to live a lie and exist in the male world. The more I transitioned into my authentic self the more natural I felt. Often how I was feeling was the only thing which kept me going during the dark hours I went through as I learned to play in the girls' sandbox. Even though it is painful to remember and write about, the tears were real and came too often. 

The more I learned the more normal I felt. I can only assume it is because I am finally living my own feminine reality. As I face the world now, I have found my own normal 

I am now living a better life because of it. After all, normal is fairly simple. It is what you make of  it.

The Results are In.

 

Photo Courtesy Connie Malone

After a reasonably short wait, my mammogram doctor contacted me and said everything turned out fine and they would see me next year. I take nothing for granted, especially with my health so I was naturally pleased. 

Others are not so fortunate I realize but I didn't remember Connie's wife had the different response from her doctor that no one wants to hear. Here  is Connie's comment:

" It's good to hear that your mammogram went OK.

I will always remember the day, many years ago, when my wife's doctor called the afternoon after her mammogram of earlier that morning. I was at home, all dressed up in my closeted feminine glory, to answer the phone, as my wife was at work. The doctor told me nothing, except that she needed to talk to my wife ASAP, so I was almost certain that she had cancer. I called her work to leave the message that she needed to call the doctor, and then proceeded to withdraw to my locked room and further depression. When she got home early, I was still hiding myself, and I could hear her crying in another room.

This may sound selfish of me, but I had never felt the urge to fully come out to her more than I did at that moment. She knew that I was "cross dressing" and hiding myself, but I had reached the point where my gender identity had far surpassed the activity of cross dressing. Of course, I wanted to be there for her, but, because of my ever-increasing withdrawal, I had become unable to be fully there for her as the husband she so much wanted me to be. That doesn't mean I didn't do my best to try, however, so I quickly de-feminized myself and went out to be with her. That dichotomy of love and guilt/shame has never been so intense for me.

Throughout my wife's radiation treatments, surgery, and chemo, I suppressed my femininity as much as I could. I tried the beard growing technique and began lifting weights. My wife was suffering from her perceived loss of femininity after her surgery (I never thought that she was any less feminine, myself), while I was trying to overwhelm my femininity by letting my testosterone aid in my physical masculinization.

My wife has been cancer-free for many years now and, thanks to reconstructive surgery, still has amazingly perky breasts for a woman in her 70's. I'm so jealous of them, of course, but I'm also happy to have shed the beard and musclebound body that I'd developed. Her attitude toward life changed after realizing that it could be cut short at any time, and I'm sure that is the biggest reason for her acceptance of me being the woman I am today. I don't recommend this method for coming out and transitioning, at all, but I think this proves that happy endings can come from tragedy."

Happy to hear your wife has been cancer free for all those years and thanks for the deeply personal comment. In many ways I consider my transgender transition came from a tragedy also. I'm sure most of you know my story. My un-approving wife passed away quite unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. All of a sudden I was free to pursue being my authentic feminine self. Not the ideal way I wanted to change my life. 

Now, down with the negative, the results are in...on with the positive!