Thursday, September 1, 2022

No I Don't Hate my Body

Overlooking the Ohio
Jessie Hart

 I recently happened on a post from a transgender woman about hating her body. Reason's of course bordered on the effects of testosterone poisoning. 

Similar to many others, I paid the price of T-poisoning. According to casual on lookers the only feminine attribute I had were my legs. I had the typical thick torso and broad shoulders of any other men. I had to try my best to camouflage my shortcomings. Because I was a cross dressing or transgender woman, I struggled with styles and sizes until I reached a level of getting it right. 

At this point too, I struggled with how I viewed my body. When I was cross dressing as a man often I was ego driven concerning my appearance. Over all I didn.t see what the fuss was all about and except the time I was at work and had to wear a freshly pressed shirt and tie, jeans and T-shirts were the way to go. It was the easy way out. 

The feminine side of my soul which was desperately trying to get out into the world was the opposite end  of the spectrum. The wonderful world of women's makeup and clothes presented a glittering opportunity to explore the world I always wanted to try. However, the fashion and makeup mishaps were numerous. It took me time to leave the fun behind and find the proper look to enable me to blend in and enjoy my time out of the closet. 

Through it all, it would have been easy to hate my male body but I didn't. Primarily because this was the body who helped me to play athletics . Playing sports was the way I kept the bullies away. I wasn't particularly good but the plan worked anyway, Also, perhaps the biggest deal with my body was how healthy it was. In fact the only operation in my life outside of dental surgery was when I had my tonsils taken out when I was a kid.  The older I became, the more I learned how wonderful good health was,

Now of course I have all the aches and pains of a soon to be seventy three year old body but I still have to remember how good my body has been to me. Primarily now since it tolerates my hormone replacement therapy and equally as important the medications I take to control my Bi-polar condition. I am indeed fortunate. 

Not long ago I wrote how some transgender elitists may pull a transer than thou with me because I had not pursued or under gone any gender realignment surgeries. In my mind why should I when I have been able to live a fairly successful life as a full time transgender woman without subjecting my body to extremely invasive operations.   

So no I don't hate my body for happening to be male. It's taken me a long, often interesting journey. 

2 comments:

  1. I had never been hospitalized (except at birth) until just recently. The surgery I had required an incision that started at my groin. I remember that the last thing I said to the surgeon, before the anesthetic wiped me out, was, if he should slip and cut some dangling accessories, I wouldn't mind. I was joking, and he laughed, but I really wouldn't have minded it at all. I have a very strong dislike for my male genitalia; so much so that I only look at it when necessary. Even more distressing than that, however, is having someone else see it. The dysphoria really set in when I awoke from my drugged state to find that a catheter had been inserted. Of course, the nurses had to check that regularly as I laid there helplessly in my hospital bed.

    I suppose that I should consider myself lucky that all of the medical personnel involved were professional and sensitive to my situation. The surgeon always calls me "Miss Connie," which, although rather misogynistic, is so much better than a mis-gendering. If he can overlook the remnants of my masculinity, I guess I can continue to live with them, as well.

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