 |
| JJ Hart |
When I jumped from the cross-dressing world and I went into the public, I found myself in a situation where all that was more in my life.
Why? Because I was very naïve about how the two binary
genders react to each other. In my relatively sheltered male life, naturally I
had only experienced life from the male side only, and I was trying my best to
make all I could out of it. To make matters even worse, I was so shy I could
barely talk to girls at all. So, I never had any experience with them. No
experience led to no confidence which sent me further into my shell.
I used my shell to protect myself the best I could and give
the best impression I could that I was a so-called normal boy. For years, I
fought the good male fight and internalized all of my feminine feelings. In
the meantime, I was studying the girls and women around me, daydreaming of the
day I could be just like them. My gender workbook was blank at the time, and I
should have hung a sign on me saying “no experience necessary to survive.” In
the meantime, I immersed myself in sports and cars and appeared to the outside
world as a normal young male. There I go, using the “normal” word again, when I
know now, there just isn’t such a thing.
It took me years of trying to break out of my shell or
closet and tentatively go out into the world as a girl. I started at night by
going to places I knew would be deserted but then again had big windows where I
could still see my dim reflection. I was actually headed to a book/magazine store
where I could hopefully navigate the books but never had the courage to do it
and ended up going back home deeply disappointed in myself. Slowly, I resolved
to do better but I never did make it into that particular store. Instead, I
began to explore the world of women’s clothing stores where I found any number
of helpful clerks who were more than willing to look past my gender, and into
my available money.
After I realized that the women’s clothing stores were too
easy on me and did not present a challenge, I began to branch out and try to
look for more challenging venues. I came up with the plan to stop for lunch
when I went out cross-dressed, just to see what would happen. I discovered that
when I was dressed to blend in with the rest of the cisgender women around be,
I was able to interact with the servers waiting on me. More importantly, I was
beginning to realize, it was easier for me to talk one on one with another
woman than it ever was when I was a man. It was a huge point in my life which
ranked right up with realizing I was much more than a male wanting to wear
feminine clothes on occasion. It would lead the way to me discovering I could
live the transfeminine life I had always dreamed of.
In many ways, I was able to channel the pure fear I felt
when I went out for the first time as my true authentic self and turn it into energy
I used to further my communication skills with the public at large, and women
in particular who seemed to be more receptive to me because I was in their
world. Before I knew it, I was able to settle down and begin to enjoy my new
life as a transgender woman. To be sure, I was different than most everyone
else I encountered but I wanted desperately to make it a positive difference.
Mainly because nearly everyone I met had never known another transgender woman
or trans man in their life. I just had to make our meeting a special occasion
which was all of that, and more.
In return, I was learning valuable lessons from the ciswomen
I met. In ways they never realized, the women helped me discover the wonderful
world of my own womanhood. In doing so, I was able to navigate the pitfalls of
my male to female transition and always move on to higher ground.
When I did, I went on to discover the layers of life women
live in during their lives which they hide from men. My life went from chasing
a dream to living it as I discovered a transgender woman’s life was all that
and more.
