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Image from Sebastian Demitro on UnSplash. |
After my initial experiments with my mom’s clothes, I blamed the cross dressing and started to plant my gender seeds, as I wanted to be feminine all the time. Sadly, for me, it took me decades to realize the seeds were already planted and were growing. All along, I had an idea that was the case, but I was afraid to do anything about it. Mainly, because I had no one to turn to for understanding. The times were very dark in the 1950’s when I was growing up for any understanding of gender issues at all. As I always mention too, I grew up as the oldest son in a male dominated family, so my goals were set for me as a boy.
It wasn’t until much later in life that I had served my time
in the military that I was able to water my gender seeds and watch them grow. My
first realization I could come out of my gender closet came in the final months
of my time in Germany in the Army when I went to a Halloween party thrown by
the nearby hospital staff dressed completely as a woman with shaved legs and
all. The biggest moment came weeks later when I admitted to my closest friends,
my costume was not a costume at all. I loved to dress as a woman and was a
transvestite as we were called back then. In the 1970’s.
The best part was, my friends could care less and more
importantly, the higher up’s in the Army never found out and I was honorably
discharged after my three years were up on time with no problems. Coming out to
my friends really set me up for success in growing more and diverse gender
seeds…until my mom came along and tried to kill them. I was emboldened by my
recent success in coming out and one night I decided to tell her. She responded
the expected way with shock and the added offer of paying for a trip to a psychiatrist.
From there, the discussion rapidly ended, never to be brought up again for the
rest of her life. I knew deep down I was not crazy and did not need a mental
health professional to tell me I was.
With that knowledge, my gender seeds continued to develop,
even though they were in the darkness of my closet for the most part. Until I
could stand it no longer, the only times I ventured out in public as a novice
transgender woman was the occasional Halloween party and business trip I went on.
Somehow, I was able to smuggle my feminine wardrobe, wig, and makeup past my
wife and enjoy a night out on the town when I arrived there. For the most part,
the experiences I went through helped me to nourish my transgender seeds and
come away with a better understanding of where I fit into the world as a
transfeminine person.
Even though I was becoming more successful in chasing my
dream to ever live as a trans woman, I kept finding I had a long way to go. In
order to see my seeds finally bloom, I needed to have the cisgender alpha
females I encountered to accept me. They closely examined me and let me in to
play in the girl’s sandbox. To get there, I needed to tend to my seeds which
were still blooming. The mistakes I made all centered around when I was overconfident
about where I was headed and I got burnt. Fortunately, I was able to reach down
and pick one of my flowers and offer it as a peace offering. The flower was
enough to move my life along.
My garden proved to me to be worth all the effort I put into
it. All the tears I suffered early on when I went out into the world as a
transfeminine person were used to water my seeds and watch them grow. Plus, all
the time and effort I put into learning the makeup arts after looking like a
clown in drag came back to help me. I took the time also to plant diverse seeds
which helped me when I encountered difficult situations. Which I never knew
where and when they were coming from.
It turned out that I never had much of a green thumb in my
male life, but a flourishing trans thumb when it counted the most. It was quite
the discovery for me when I discovered how layered and complex the women’s
world I was in. I also benefited from the careful job I did of planting and
protecting my young seeds. On occasion, I regret the time it took them to grow,
but in many ways, I was the prisoner of when I grew up in the dark days in the
pre-internet era. But taking the extra time to become strong and thrive in my
new life was worth it. As I said, the seeds were there all along, all I needed to do was nourish them.
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