I know fellow transgender veterans Michelle and Georgette have commented of past posts here in Cyrsti's Condo. Again, thanks for your service.
Carla Lewis t-shirt on the left sums my thoughts up perfectly. I believe she had to leave the Air Force when it became known she was transgender.
Just imagine how many others similar circumstances happened to. Or, then again, how many alive and dead served in silence.
For once I am happy to write it's all quiet on the gender front around here. It's like I am some sort of vacation.
Yesterday I had my virtual therapist appointment and we talked about almost everything but my gender dysphoria. Rarely do I feel comfortable in my own skin, now it seems I have a brief respite from my gender dysphoria. Finally a chance to breathe deeply and recharge myself.
As we all know, looks aren't everything when it comes to gender dysphoria. As I told my therapist, I am feeling better because of my interaction with the public. The last time we went out to dinner, I had no problem communicating with the server and he didn't seem to have any negative problems with me. Of course we don't go out much anymore and most of the time we still wear a mask so the chances of interaction are slim. In a couple weeks I will be part of a group presenting to a master's level sociology class at nearby Miami University of Ohio. So I will have the chance to really get out in public.
The problem I have is waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I am referring to is waiting for my dysphoria to return. I have lived with it for most of my long life and it has become a part of me. Plus I have never been one to face life on it's own terms without questioning what is around the next corner.
Perhaps also I am moving past gender dysphoria into some sort of impostor syndrome stage of my life. Deep down do I feel even though I may look/act the feminine role, have I earned the right to be here. To be clear, I have because I went through all the changes which cis women experience, Mine were just different. I have always felt women just didn't become women because they were born into it. They had to grow and become women. Just like some boys actually become men.
All in all, it's too early to speculate if I have any impostor's syndrome. In the meantime, I am going to try to enjoy my quiet period the best I can.
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| Source: Cyrsti Hart |
I have written a number of times how I used athletics to cover up the fact I really preferred being a girl. For example, being a football player kept the bullies away. Enough said. Perhaps what I haven't written so much about was my military service. Unlike so many others, I didn't voluntarily join the Army to make me a man, I was drafted during the Vietnam War. Guess what, my time served still didn't help me to stay in my male closet. It only helped to reinforce what I already knew, I had a woman lurking to experience the world. In fact, the military provided me the opportunity to come out of my closet to three close friends for the first time in my life. When I told them I was a transvestite.
Now we can fast forward through all the years of Halloween parties being the only opportunity to leave the closet and experience the world as my girl self.
In the 1980's was the first time I could be aggressive and force my gender closet open and sample the world as a woman. As with any other tremendously difficult endeavor, my path had it's ups and downs. I was frustrated when I felt I was taking one step forward then two steps back. For example, when I felt I looked the feminine part, I would do something such as twist my ankle in heels.
Finally I decided I needed a plan for my path. Instead of meandering without a plan, I decided to begin a process which would lead to a transition...or not. Here is what worked for me. Plus, I need to point out, it was a different time to attempt to come out of the closet, so stick with me.
What I did was try my hand at so called "easy" places to pass in. I went to bookstores and shopped at women's clothing stores where all which really counted to the sales clerks was the color of my money. Emboldened by my success, then I expanded my trips to stopping and eating lunch. I still remember two of my favorite outfits. The first was a pastel green "business style" suit which I pared with pastel green hose and heels. The second was a black dressy jump suit with black pumps. Both outfits were worn with my long straight blond wig I loved so much. The end result was I blended well in the upscale malls I chose to go to.
Even with all the so called success I was experiencing, there were downfalls also. Most came when I tried to do too much and ended up looking like a drag queen. I can't tell you how many times I went home in tears. One day I even learned my lesson from one young girl I estimated to be four or five in a women's clothing store. As I turned the corner through another rack of clothes, we startled each other and she shouted to her Mom "Look at the big woman!" I quickly thought at least she saw me as a woman. But there was more. The girl went on to say "A big mean woman." Lesson learned. Wipe that male scowl off my face.
I tried also to challenge myself to accomplish different goals as I experimented surviving in a feminine world.
It turned out my path would take several different branches before I arrived where I am today. Living full time as a transgender world with a successful relationship and an accepting daughter. More on it later.
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I remember back to the earliest days of rummaging through my Mom's makeup drawer and "borrowing" certain items I had seen her use such as lipstick and eye shadow. The challenge always was to use the items and put them back so well she would never notice. She never mentioned it, so perhaps I was careful enough to get by.
All of this took place during the 1950's and I lived in a rural area where I was able to deliver news papers for extra money. I saved my paper route money and combined it with the small allowance I received for doing chores around the house and actually had enough money saved to purchase my own makeup. Having the money was one thing but finding a place to spend it and buy makeup was another.
Those days were way before the advent of any makeup specialty stores. The closest I could afford and find away in town to go to were a couple of the old "five and dimes" department stores. They featured a small selection of many items (including makeup) a lunch counter as well as other items. I was even able to find me a pair of women's shoes I cherished on one of my shopping excursions.
Another problem I encountered was how was I going to get to the stores I wanted to shop at plus once I was there, having the courage to actually go in and search for makeup. I was able to overcome the transportation issue by spending the night at my grandma's house. She lived very close to downtown where the stores were located. I could walk and pick out my hard earned treasures.
As I wrote, I vividly remember the fear or out right panic I felt the first time I gathered the courage to go in the store and shop. I ended up feeling very relieved when I finally reached the makeup section...until I saw the selections which were available. I thought, now what? My plan had been to briskly walk in, pick out a couple makeup items, head back to the checkout counter and leave. My plans did not include a lengthy stay to shop.
Through it all, I stayed the course and purchased a couple of items. I was certain the whole world was staring at me but they weren't. I survived the checkout counter and headed back to my grandma's.
Little did I know from my humble beginnings at the makeup counter, I would have many more occasions to feel nervous. Over the years I would have much more error than trial when it came to applying my own makeup. Finally the internet came along and I was able to study makeup tutorials and improve my craft.
Ironically I became so skilled my two wives (who wore very little makeup) would come to me for advice when they wanted to dress up.
When I became very serious about transitioning was when I attempted to take my makeup to another level,. During this period I was desperately trying to blend in with the professional woman and proper makeup was a necessity.
These days I have basically gone full circle with my makeup. Thanks to the results of hormone replacement therapy and age, my skin has softened and the angles of my face have rounded, Naturally, I need less makeup when we go out although I still wear more than Liz. Since Liz is a former "Avon" makeup sales person, she still retains a knowledge of the artform.
She has been threatening to do a makeup job on both of us before we go out. I can't wait for her to work her magic.
Recently I posted a Halloween photo of Melonee Malone and Mark asked if the picture was of me. No it wasn't and I could only say I wish I transitioned that well. To be fair though, I believe Melonee has completed several surgeries, Including gender realignment as well as facial feminization. Sorry for any confusion. To put any comparison in perspective, I have had no surgeries. Including electrolysis.
As much as I am loathe to do it, here is a totally unfiltered picture of the before and after me. I need to point this recent picture of me is not too current because it doesn't reflect the weight I have lost in my face.
Also I need to point out I have been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for nearly seven years now. As a result, my use of makeup has been drastically reduced. In the picture I am only wearing eye and lip makeup. On the left I was wearing my guy makeup and I was severely depressed.
I hope all confusion has been solved.
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| Source: Cyrsti Hart |
Since my partner Liz is still very much a working woman, she gets up before me to have her morning coffee, take care of the animals (except me) and get her morning meditations done before clocking into work as she works from home.
As I turned over and noticed all the power was off, Liz met me at the steps to the bedroom to tell me the energy company had robo called her and said the power would be restored in approximately two hours. Approximately was the key term as it was nearly twelve hours before our electric was restored.
We live in an all electric home, so everything ground to a halt. Including our heat.
Heat wasn't so much of a problem to me because it isn't that cold and I could but on an extra sweater. What really bugged me was not having a television. I was forced to spend extra time faced with only me. I am my own worst best friend always overthinking every situation which causes me extreme anxiety at times. To counteract part of my destructive thought processes, I even sleep with the television on. The harmless shows on the "Hallmark Channel" always seem to do the trick and I can quickly fall asleep. I truly get panicky inside if I have to think of sleeping without noise. Fortunately, Liz has learned to live with my quirky behavior.
The whole day of facing myself stressed me so bad I still couldn't sleep when I went to bed, television or not. I finally fell asleep approximately four thirty in the morning. It's barely 10:30 AM now, so that is my excuse for this rambling post.
As with any negative situation, there is usually something positive which comes from it. The good thing that happened was I found I was going to get an extra night out because we had no way to cook dinner. The trick was to put what ever small amount I wear anymore on by flashlight. The whole process turned out to be surprisingly easy. In fact, I thought of many cheap shots to use when describing my makeup which I won't use. The good part was I was riding a wave of confidence because when we went out to vote on Tuesday, the lady who checked me in called me mam. That's always reassuring even though I have never experienced any problems when I have gone to vote.
The only problem we possibly experienced at dinner was one older woman who couldn't seem to not wanting to stop and stare at Liz and I as she was leaving. It was so bad even Liz noticed which is rare. Normally I always do before she does. It's possible also, since Liz and I were sitting together across from her son, the woman thought we were lesbians which is a whole other story.
All in all the power was on when we returned home and life returned to what passes for normal around here. With or without sleep.
Mark sent this comment in regarding the recent post called "You Make a Terrible Woman". "Very well done too Liz viewing YOU as a WOMAN ...NO--Way do YOU make a terrible Woman . Putting your self down there .MARK"
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| Source: Cyrsti Hart |
Being of a stubborn nature, it took me awhile to understand exactly what she was trying to tell me. After all, I had spent a lifetime admiring and observing the girls and women around me. By doing it I could only observe the external workings of a feminine world. If I had the chance to go inside, perhaps I wouldn't have been so enamored with the feminine binary gender. As I learned so many years later women operate with their own set of unique passions. Specifically with aggression. Understandably, men deal with power and women with passive aggressiveness.
I am fond of saying when I started to play in the woman's "sandbox" I found I had to be on the outlook for knives being aimed at my back. Smiles many times meant nothing.
So Mark, I wasn't really putting myself down. Her comment served to send me back to the drawing board. I had to find out what she meant. In those days it was difficult because of the very rare times I had to get out of the closet and live as my authentic self. In fact, it took me twenty years before I could even come close to doing it.
Once I did begin to get out in the world, I found appearance was the easiest hurdle I had to face. Not because I looked so good, it was because other factors became so important. Such as very quickly I had to learn to communicate one on one with other women. All of a sudden, what they didn't say became as important as what they did say. Plus, what was I going to do about my voice. I finally went to a voice coach to learn the difference between men and women as they communicate.
In some senses I feel the powerful "terrible" comment is a wonderful motivator for me. It keeps me focused on being the best person I can be and not squandering a truly powerful opportunity to lead a quality life as my authentic self.
Image from JJ Hart. Yesterday was my Hematology appointment at the Cincinnati Veteran's Administration hospital. The hospital itself...
