Out and Proud

Perhaps you have heard (no pun intended)  musician Ezra Furman has announced she is a transgender woman and Mom.

More from "Page Six":

“I wanted to share with everyone that I am a trans woman, and also that I am a mom and have been for a while now (like 2+ years),” she wrote. “About being a trans woman: for my own reasons I have been hesitant to use these words, especially the ‘woman’ word. I have often described myself as non-binary, which maybe is still true (I’m just gonna sit with that question for the moment).”

Furman, 34, explained that coming to terms with her identity was “complex” but added it’s “complex to be any sort of woman.”

The Peaks and Valleys

 Being Bi-Polar myself, I have become used to the ups and downs of my mood reactions to life. Quite possibly, before I was diagnosed with my own version of being "Bi" I did my share of hiding behind a dress to take my mind off the daily stresses of life. 

Of course, I could argue the simplest stresses came from trying my best to live up to male standards as I lived my life. 

The older I got and after I was honorably discharged from the Army, the worse my mental issues became. On occasion it was a struggle to just to get out of bed on certain days. Along the way, I finally resorted to therapy. The first guy I went to was a total waste of time as he didn't seem to want to discuss my fondness for cross dressing at all. I solved the problem by going to one of the very few therapists in Ohio at the time who had any knowledge at all of cross dressers as this was way before the transgender idea was even discussed. 

Ironically, it was her who diagnosed me being bi-polar and was able to separate it from my gender dysphoria. She was blunt (and truthful) when she said my desire to be a girl would never go away. For the first time in my life I felt a glimmer of hope. 

Even still, it was difficult for me to separate my two main issues and continue to live a reasonably successful life as a cross dresser. Meaning I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Years later when I needed to take advantage of the Veterans Administration health care, I was paranoid if I would find a therapist who would understand my complex problem. Fortunately I did and amazingly nearly ten years later she still is my VA therapist.

She was the "gold standard" for me as she signed off on helping me begin my hormone replacement therapy all the way to providing me documentation to facilitate changing my legal gender markers in the civilian world plus within the VA itself.  I consider her as one of my top three people who assisted in my early Mtf gender transition. 

These days, while I still have the occasional valleys in my life to climb out of, my medications keep my moods relatively stable and I am able to understand when  gender dysphoria  enters my life. More so than my Bi-Polar condition. 

Most importantly, I have done away with my self harm issues. It took a while to separate all of this out but thanks to a ton of help I have learned to live the peaks and valleys.

Truth

 This quote from an unknown person definitely could have come from a transgender person:

"Your perception of me, is a reflection of you. My reaction to you is an awareness of me.”

I found it on a blog called "Pointless Overthinking"

Why?

 It occurred to me recently, after my posts on going to the dentist, just what did all of that really have to do with a blog supposedly dedicated to a transgender lifestyle. 

Then I thought perhaps I was approaching it all wrong. Here is one example.  As bad as the anticipated discomfort and suffering associated with a long put off dental appointment was, the bigger fear came when I thought of the amount of gender confusion I had absorbed in the past. Would I have have to put up with being mis-gendered?

Because, as many transgender women and men know, a visit to a medical facility can bring on embarrassing mis-gendering situations. Even to the point of your "dead name" being screamed out in a crowded waiting room. 

Many times too,  transgender people are forced to educate their medical care givers who have never encountered another trans person.  All the way to being refused treatment altogether. 

Depending upon where you live, the situation is getting somewhat better, even in Ohio a few major hospitals and other organizations are stepping up their game as they offer and interact with transgender individuals. 

Plus, even webinars are popping up here and there focusing on LGBT elderly adults. In fact, I am attending one in May. 

Now if I could go back and erase all my unpleasant medical experiences from my past, I would experience less anticipatory problems. 

Retribution

 Well, yesterday turned out to be quite the day. My first trip to the dentist came and went, along with a trip to the phone store to replace my cell phone which did not survive a toilet swim. Outside of the obvious necessities, the day seemed like a "re-coming " out day for my fulltime transgender feminine self.

The dentist was first. As I mentioned before, the information form I filled out only had room for three genders...male, female and "unspecified." I chose the unspecified box and prepared myself for an appointment full of gender confusion. After all, this was one of a very few times in the past year I had spent any significant time without a mask. As bad as my teeth were, I didn't want to show them off which was impossible in a dentist's office. 

It turned out I didn't have to worry when I heard the woman who checked me in respond to the hygienist who was working on me as "she." My heart soared as my mouth hurt. 

To make a long story short, as I suspected, my top teeth (or what was left of them) were shot and my bottom teeth were in good shape. So, I was a candidate for top dentures. Subtitled,  goodbye stimulus checks. Finally, I will have my smile back.

After heading back home to pick Liz up, we went to the phone store. The young clerk who waited on us had no problem with calling me she and her. After another hit to my bank account, I walked out with a new phone. 

The whole day was wonderful in that it recharged my gender batteries. For once I didn't feel any inner imposter guilt when I was called "she" or "her." I felt it was my retribution for all the years of transgender struggle and gender dysphoria I went through to arrive where I am. 

One thing the pandemic taught me was how much I needed the public gender feedback I received to survive. I know who I am every morning when I wake up but sometimes it takes a little reinforcement from the public to let me know the real me. 

Truth

 

Learn the Hard Way

This is probably the strangest blog post I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning what I feel is primarily a feminine experience. 

 There is probably no delicately way to put this  but this morning as I was sitting down on the toilet for my morning "constitutional" my phone slipped out of my back leggings pocket and into the toilet.  Fortunately it was a clean bowl. 

Over the years, I have felt sending a phone for a dip was distinctly a feminine thing to do. Plus I have tried to be extra careful with my phone. Always trying to take it out of my pocket all together before even going into the bathroom. When I am out in public, I always carry my phone in my purse anyhow. 

Lesson learned. 

I can just imagine how much fun Connie will have with this post. 

Endocrinologist

 I love my "Endo" Doc. She is so nice and because of her I have been able to experience all the feminine changes I have been able to go through over the years. 

Of course it didn't hurt that before my visit (actually the night before) I washed my hair again and just let it go into it's natural wonderful waviness. You can see a bit of it in one of my profile pictures.

This picture was taken at only one of three times Liz and I have been out in the last year. As you can see in the picture, it was last summer. 

It doesn't hurt either I give my Endo the credit for my transgender transformations such as even less body hair (excluding my face of course) and increasing distribution of body fat to my hip areas. 

Now I wish my upcoming dental appointment could be as painless. Ha!!!

Changes

 It took me a lifetime of living to partially understand what we all should know. Life is but a series of changes. Once we quit changing we die. 

Years ago, due to financial considerations and other excuses, I put off needed dental work. My excuse was I didn't think I would outlive my teeth since everyone around me was passing away. Well, I proved myself wrong and now this week, I need to pay my dues and go to the dentist. I can't even speculate what will happen.

Interestingly, I am filling out the information forms ahead of time on line and quickly I came to the gender portion. I was given the usual binary choices of male and female and a third choice of "unspecified". I chuckled to myself thinking now I was unspecified? 

It's a big week for changes. Today I have a virtual appointment with my endocrinologist which is all about changes to my body. Hopefully, the visit will be all positive because I am pleased with all the feminine changes going on in my body. Even my breasts seem to be fuller these days. As mentioned, my dental appointment for dentures is tomorrow and my therapist virtual visit is Wednesday.

I haven't figured out yet if being older brings on a resentment towards change. Perhaps it's the idea I have already been through that before, why should I have to do it again?

When you consider the pain, suffering and fear which comes with gender dysphoria and being transgender, how can anything in life compare. 

Changing your gender has to be the most difficult process a human can attempt besides being born and passing away.