Home Alone

This is quite the comment from Connie. It has to do with my comment concerning paranoia spending any real time alone due to the effects of the Corona 19 virus:

"I have a difficult time falling asleep without the TV on, myself. In fact, I have a difficult time staying awake while watching TV any time after 9:00 PM. Many times I've awoken to some infomercial being shown at 3:00 AM while I'm still laid back in the recliner. At that point, there is no sense going to bed, if it's a work day, since my normal wake-up time is 4:00 AM. If I were to retire to the bedroom to go back to sleep, though, I'd have to turn on the TV there in order to do it. Without the TV on, I can't turn my brain off. The trouble is that, when I should be sleeping, my brain will turn all-OC on me - rehashing everything that really only required a passing thought. The TV is just enough of a distraction to keep this from happening.

There are very few TV shows that are so good that I really regret missing the second half of them. I've often wondered if I might be finishing the plot lines in my own dreams, but I don't remember many of my dreams, anyway. Most of them are probably no more interesting than the show that had put me to sleep in the first place!

I'm trying very hard to resist the temptation of reflection these days. I have so many things that need my attention in the here-and-now, and the uncertainty of the world around me is out of my control. I've lost some work, my wife has been asked to stay at home without pay indefinitely, and our governor has announced that he is seriously considering mandating that anyone over the age of 65 not to work at all. I don't know how they would police that, and I already joked to my boss that I might have to start a half-hour later to give me more time on my makeup in the morning - I only need to look 64. :-) Geesh, I've been a trans woman so long that there was time I could have been arrested for presenting as a woman on the street. Now, that's OK, but I could still be arrested for being an old woman on the street. Without enough income, though, I may have to resort to living on the street (in which case, the police wouldn't even give me a second look in this city).

I am trying to live as close to what was familiar to me before this Covid-19 thing started. There's no way to keep up with the changes coming, sometimes by the hour. Having a job to get up for every morning helps, but I still will get up and ready for the day if the work goes away - maybe at 6:00 AM instead of 4:00, though. And I'll end the day falling asleep to the TV, too!"

 Indeed we have entered scary times. Our three income family just lost one income and our main source of money (Liz) maybe forced into part-time hours...or worse. My income comes from Social Security which these days has been under attack from the current administration. Fortunately I have not let it bother me to the point of being up all night watching the television.

Selfish?

As I touched on in the last Cyrsti's Condo post, the more I wrote, the more I thought about my ideas... the more I had. Of course it doesn't hurt with all of the virus's impact, I have had quite a bit of more time to look back at my life and re-discover the factors which have so impacted my life.

One idea I had came after I unexpectedly reached across my body to pet a very needy cat and ended up with a very uncomfortable twinge coming from my left breast. It turns out I had mildly pinched the newer breast mass I have been developing again recently. Then, along the way I began to think how selfish I was feeling.

It could be argued though the whole transgender experience is a selfish one. Especially when one embarks on a hormone replacement therapy routine.

In many ways, HRT is a no return situation unless you just hate the changes or the Goddess forbid, you run into health issues. Take sex for example. Unless you are one of the very few, under the influence of HRT, you are chemically castrating yourself. Even though the process may not bother you, it is a definite impact on a spouse who has been by your side for years.

As I have written about many times, I faced the process with my deceased wife who accepted me as a cross dresser but never as a transgender woman. Even back in those days it was a terrifically tough internal struggle for me. After all, how selfish was I being to only look after my needs.

Finally after a failed suicide event, I had to decide to take the path for me...self survival.

So, ideally, you can say HRT was the ultimate in selfishness for me and had she lived I am sure it would have ultimately led to our breakup as a couple. As she so concisely put it...she didn't set out to be with a woman. Little did she ever know, the person she spent twenty five years with was a woman internally all the time.

I cherish all that I have become and I paid heavy dues to get here.Every morning when I get up, I thank my Goddess for the chance to experience softer skin and my own breasts.  Sadly, if I had the information and courage to have gender transitioned decades ago most certainly, I wouldn't perceive this portion of my life as being selfish.

Maybe it was though. I deprived the people closest to me of my real self. It would have been up to them to accept me or not. 

I'm Such a Boob

One topic I don't write about much is hormone replacement therapy (HRT.)  I don't cover it much because of a couple reasons.

First and foremost, I know for medical reasons many transgender women can't take on HRT. Secondly,I also know , many trans folk attempt the dangerous route of attempting to do the whole process without securing medical professional help. Doing that just opens yourself up to many very terrible health issues. Finally, I am always paranoid about giving any indication of me putting myself up on a "transer than thou" pedestal.

Now my warnings are behind us and we can get to the real reason for this post.

You may recall, approximately three months ago, I was able to increase my dosage of estrodial by half after many medical tests. Now I am beginning to feel changes again in my body. Of course what most want to know, does that mean bigger breasts. In my case yes it did, plus I was able to add more volume to my thighs too.

Now, keep in mind, I have been on HRT for over six years, with time off for medical reasons. Plus I spent at least the first six months on a very minimum dosage. I started that way to see how my body reacted to the hormonal changes.

I know too, quite a few individuals who have just started (or are considering starting) HRT for the first time want to know what to expect. Again, I don't write about it much because the results vary so much depending on the age and dosage of the recipient.

In my case, it wasn't very long before I began to feel sensations in my breasts, hot flashes and emotional changes. Then I went years before I went through any other definite changes until I was allowed to increase my dosage. To put it into perspective, my breasts became easily noticeable but not really large enough in my mind to wear a restrictive bra. Now, as summer approaches and hopefully restrictions from the virus lift, if I wear any sort of tight tank top I will need to wear a bra.

Plus, I have a series of appointments coming up early in April which will hopefully confirm I can stay on my current hormonal course. Most importantly to me is the emotional well being I have achieved on my current HRT dosage.

I just hope I am allowed to maintain it. 

As I wrote this, I thought about other like minded ideas to write about and will continue this post tomorrow.

Cyrsti's Condo Thought of the Day

"I found my true self when I learned being transgender was the least interesting part of my life."

Introspection

With the advance of the Corona Virus 19, most of us have had been forced to stay home. With the extra time alone many of us have had the chance to reflect on our lives.

Reflection is tough on many people, including me. A totally quiet room is often my worst enemy and I even sleep all night with the television on. (Thanks Liz! who is my partner and only mildly protests.)

It could be much worse. I think back to the days when I was first exploring the feminine world and was out and about as much as I could to do it. The very essence of my being revolved around how and if I could make my way in the world as a woman. The very places I went to do it...restaurants and taverns are all currently closed around in my section of the world because of the virus. In so many ways, my femininity was based on what others thought of me. Looking back on that time of my life, I know I would have been strongly affected by the experience. Not to mention being mostly unemployed because I was a restaurant manager.

Timing is everything though. After all these years, I don't need to put on all the feminine finery to feel like a girl. In fact, I am a fairly "plain Jane" type woman. I guess my feelings go back to my very early days as a cross dresser when the clothes lost their appeal. What replaced the "urges" was an over powering desire to be a girl, not just look like one.

These days, I am so fortunate to have a solid base of gender support around me. Family and friends who look past my transgender lifestyle and instead see the true me. The true me is a happier more satisfied person than many of my family knew before. I have found through much trial and error happiness may still be impossible to find for a person such as me but joy isn't.

Since we are all stuck in this current crisis together, please do your best to keep yourself safe. I know many of you may look at this as a form of being forced back into your closet. Also, I have a dear friend who is really upset her genital realignment surgery has been postponed from March 31st. My thoughts go out to her.

Reach inside yourself and find your inner woman and use the time to cherish her. Hopefully, all of this will be over before we know it and your woman will flourish again.

 

A Trans Milestone in Argentina

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) — Diana Zurco did not attend her high school graduation because she refused to receive a diploma with her birth name. At 17 and considered a boy by school officials, she grew her hair long and adopted the name Diana after the alien character on the show “V” about an extraterrestrial invasion.

Now 40, she recalled her youthful rebellion while sitting in a comfortable chair in the studio of Argentina’s public television station ahead of her debut as the country’s first transgender newscaster, a milestone for an excluded community that is often the target of violence and has a life expectancy roughly half that of the rest of the population."

Of course there is much more to her story and you can see it here.

More on Jenner

In response to a recent post here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the influence over the years of Caitlyn Jenner on the over all transgender community, Connie submitted this comment:

"Jenner never impressed me, except as an athlete. Nevertheless, she provided me with the means for one of my best comeback lines, back when she was first coming out. While I was standing in line at the meat counter, I struck up a conversation with another woman. An older man in line ahead of us turned around to look at us, subsequently clocking me (probably from my voice). He interrupted our conversation by asking me, "Are you like that Bruce Jenner guy?" Without hesitation, I answered back, "Well, I don't really like to talk about my gold medal." I guess I could have said that I wasn't a Republican, but I think the gold medal line was my best choice. :-)"

What a great comeback! 

As most of you know, I have never been a big fan of Jenner either but supposedly she has now rejected her "love" affair with rump. I hope it is true. 

On another note, I discovered a post you may be interested in while checking in with one of the blogs I follow called "Mybookworld24". The post critiques five current transgender books. Go here to see it. 

Rubies

From the "Daily News" : "A father proved that necessity is indeed the mother of invention.A Toronto-based super dad who created a swimwear line for his transgender daughter now wants all trans girls to be confident and comfortable in their clothes.

Jamie Alexander, a serial entrepreneur and tech adviser, had to get creative to help his daughter Ruby feel as feminine and fun as all girls of her age.

“As a father of a transgender girl I want to make the world a safer place for every girl,” he said in a statement, when he launched his latest project, an online store called Rubies.

“We design form-fitting clothing for trans girls and their friends — so that they never stop being active and being girls, no matter where their day takes them. We believe that every girl should be able to enjoy the same level of comfort and confidence as her friends — whether it’s the beach, ballet, gym or swim,” Alexander added."

Follow the link above for more.

Transgender Protection in Death

As you Cyrsti's Condo's regulars know, I am not getting any younger and my future in an assisted care facility is one of my re-occurring unpleasant fantasies. But what if I pass on before I have to worry about it? I shouldn't have to worry because my two closest next of kin people are firmly in my corner of acceptance. But...

Depending upon what your final wishes for a funereal might be, once again you can face the danger of being denied being viewed as your true transgender self in death. Seemingly, the final lack of gender dignity would be the worst indignity of all.

Here is a rather lengthy video from You Tube on the subject  I thought may interest you: